A/N: Had this idea last week, while listening to "Here With Me" by The Killers. It was supposed to be a one shot. Then a 3 chapters story... Now we're settled on 5 chapters, for good. Hope everyone likes it! Remember: reviews make me happy and updates can come quicker! :) Thanks Terrie for editing!
Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey.
Chapter 1: To Reach You
Present Day
John listened, for the most part. It was better to listen, and it wasn't as if he had any news to share, not really. His friend Robert, on the other hand, was of course filled with news. His first grandchild had been born whilst John had been gone, a little girl, and he was ecstatic. John was happy for him, truly. He rather enjoyed hearing of the new discoveries of a child than talk about what really mattered, what he knew Robert wanted to know. Mary was getting married next year. Sybil and Tom had moved back to England permanently now. Edith had moved to London. Robert and Cora would be going to America for the New Year.
He didn't eat much. Not that the food wasn't good; with Cora visiting Edith in London, they had opted for pizza. It was just a simple catch up dinner. He had arrived back in England just a couple of weeks ago, and though he had managed not to run into many acquaintances, he couldn't run from his friends, few as they were. And at least they had managed to stay away from what was bothering him. But not for much longer.
Robert finished his beer quietly, and let out a sigh. John had declined the beer; he hadn't drank anything in a long time and he wouldn't start now. But he felt his friend's eyes on him, as the silence reigned for a brief period of time.
"Have you seen Anna?" his friend finally asked, and though it wasn't what John had expected, it was an equally frightening question.
John shook his head. "No. Not yet."
Robert seemed surprised at his reply. "But you will see her."
It was more of a question than a statement. John didn't know the answer for that.
"Yes. Maybe. I don't know," he confessed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm not sure she wants to see me. And I don't want her to see me like this. I need to get my life together first."
Robert pursed his lips. John knew what he was thinking - that his life was with Anna. And he was probably right, only - he needed to take care of so many things first. He needed take care of his mental well being. He wanted to make sure she was fine, of course, but he had the feeling that she would always be better off without him anyway. Perhaps everything had conspired for what they had to end; the key to her happiness. He would never be happy without her, he knew, but he didn't want to bring her any more pain.
He just couldn't see what kind of happiness he could be able to give her. Especially now, after everything.
"How is she?" John asked, because he simply had to know.
"She… Well, she knows you're around," Robert sighed, fidgeting with the beer bottle. This surprised John, though he wasn't sure why. "Mary told her, of course. Apparently she asks of you frequently."
John said nothing.
"I don't think she'll look for you just yet. She'll probably give you time," Robert took a deep breath. "At least that's what Mary has mentioned. But you know she will see you eventually."
At this, John frowned. "Why would she?"
"You are returning to the hospital, aren't you?" Robert asked.
"Not at the moment. Not for a few months," John explained. A handful of factors contributed to that. He couldn't work properly when he got back, not with his leg injury, though that was getting better now. He had yet to pass the psychological exam to go back to work. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to get through that. A doctor needed to be stable - physically and emotionally. He was neither.
"Well, you ought to see her eventually anyway," his friend insisted. "You know her. She's just giving you time. It will do you better if you see her before she sees you."
John cringed just slightly. "Is she angry?"
He wouldn't blame her if she was. He was the one who had been a fool in the end. Anna, on the other hand, was incapable of fault. He hadn't ended it because of her. He had ended it because of him. And for that he felt no regret.
"I think she's past that point," Robert revealed. "We haven't seen her much, but you know she meets up with Mary often. She… Well, she misses you."
And he missed her too. Every minute of every day.
But he only nodded.
It was Robert who spoke first.
"You should talk to her. She will be able to help you."
"No one can really help me, Rob," John interrupted. His voice sounded harsher than he had wanted it to be. "I should get going."
Formalities weren't exchanged; Robert seemed to sense the evening was done for him now, and it was only when they had reached the door that he spoke again, and John didn't anticipate the hug that Robert gave him. Their greeting had been no more than a strong handshake, which was usually enough for them, but Robert gave him a pet on the back and seemed emotional as they broke apart.
"It's good to have you back, my friend," he said.
John tried to ignore the wave of emotion that ran through him as well. "It's good to be back. Give Cora a kiss for me. And the girls too."
"Will do," Robert said as John slowly walked down the driveway. "Do you want me to give you a ride? Call a cab?"
John shook his head and half turned, managing a smile. "The walk is good for my leg. But thanks."
That was not a lie. Driving wasn't very comfortable and he didn't live that far, not really. But tonight his feet took him to a different route.
The streets were a little slippery from the recent rain, but nothing too bad. It was chilly but at least the rain had stopped. It wasn't so late and there were quite a few people about. From his position, he could see the back of the hospital's main building, just a couple of streets over. He would always drive by this street to get to work. The path was familiar to him, and it was as if nothing had changed. The bakery around the corner was still there, and so was the little graphic and art gallery. His steps were slow and careful. The diner was still open, but no one that he knew was in sight. He stopped in front of the flower shop.
It was closed, of course. But it was still colorful inside, with all the lovely flowers. He took a deep breath, feeling a new, sudden wave of emotion hit him. This time, he had to sniff to contain himself. He knew the inside of this shop as if it were raised above the palm of his hand. It was ingrained in his memories - the smiles, the laughter, the colours and the fragrances. He told himself it would be enough but… He wasn't completely sure. It was still dark and empty inside, save from a light from the back room. She sometimes forgot it turned on, he knew that. How many times had he come here, first thing in the morning, after a long shift or just before it? How many times had he come here to drive her home?
He had been gone for ten months, but it felt like centuries ago.
For now, the memories would have to do.
April 2013
John was nervous upon entering the shop. He wasn't sure of what to get, not really. Could Mary be any more cryptic? Women liked flowers. He assumed they had a favourite, but of course Mary couldn't tell him what. It was enough that he had finally accepted being set up for a blind date, years after a rather nasty divorce. He was nervous, he would admit that. He hadn't been with a woman on a while and not in serious date in years. Robert spoke wonders of her. Mary insisted they would be great together. He hated blind dates though - it was odd to meet up with someone he had never seen before. But he supposed it wouldn't hurt to try.
He had decided to stop here on his way home from work because he wasn't sure if it would be open later. He couldn't very well buy a bouquet. They would meet in a casual restaurant. He wasn't one to draw attention to himself. But Mary insisted he would score good points if he gave her some flowers, and it wasn't as if he had much to lose.
But the shop had so many options - he was lost within less than five seconds.
A young woman quickly approached him with a smile. She had dark hair and was very small next to him, but her expression was friendly. "Can I help you?"
"I'd like some flowers," he said helplessly, hating how obvious that was. "Just, uh, something small. Discreet if possible."
The young woman frowned. "Right. Do you have a specific flower in mind, sir?"
Damn. All he knew were roses and daisies - he couldn't recall any other by the name. At his silence, the young woman asked one more question.
"May I know who is it for? I mean, just the occasion. It would help," she said softly, her eyes hopeful.
"It's, ah, for a lady," he replied, again hating how obvious he was acting. He looked around - there were those long white flowers his mother used to love. Perhaps would buy one of those - though it seemed a little big. Before the girl could say anything else, the bell rang and another customer arrived - a young man.
"I'll be with you in just a second," the girl said with a smile. Her name tag said 'Daisy'. How fitting.
John arched his eyebrows. "You can go and see what he needs, if you'd like. I'm at a loss here. May take me a while."
The young woman was surprised but appreciative. The young man asked for a bouquet of red roses. If only he could be that specific. He knew flowers had meanings but it was never a subject he took great interest in. Vera never really liked to receive flowers and he may have given her some maybe once, a long time ago, before they were married, even. The young man was choosing the roses now. Another woman appeared from the back door, wearing gloves and an apron. John watched as she looked at her co-worker and then at himself, and left her gloves behind the counter to walk to him. She was as petite as her colleague, but her hair was blonde and a little wavy in her ponytail, and she had a slight tan. He couldn't help but notice that her apron hug her waist nicely. And that she was much younger than him.
"Hi," she said with a bright smile. Her blue eyes were clear and friendly. There was no name tag on her apron. "How can I help you?"
"Hello," he said, feeling a little more comfortable with this woman than the girl before her. "I need something small. I'm not sure what. I'm not much of a connoisseur."
She laughed. "That's quite all right. For a lady, then? Or would it be a get well bouquet?"
"Erm… Yes, for a lady," John said. Oh well, he thought. It's not as if I'd ever have a chance with this woman. "I haven't met her yet, actually."
The woman pursed her lips, her eyes darting about. "I see. So you'd want something discreet, right? That narrows things down a little," she walked towards the rose display. The girl named Daisy and the young man were now by the counter. The shop was small, but cozy. "I would suggest a rose, because it's discreet and classic. You can't really go wrong with them. You just have to choose a colour."
White, red, yellow, pink, light pink… The options were many and he didn't know which one would serve the purpose. He eyed the red roses; they were the most classical ones, he supposed. He never really gave a woman a rose before. He guessed there was a first time for everything. The woman was eyeing them as well. He took a chance. "Which one would you like? I mean, if it were you?"
She eyed him in surprise and he noticed a faint blush that appeared on her cheeks, but she smiled. "Well, I… I do love flowers. Any of them would make me happy."
"Which ones are your favourites?" he motioned the shop around them.
The woman pursed her lips. "I love poppies. And daisies. They're very cheerful," she confessed. John couldn't help but smile. "But well, for a date… A rose would do well. As for the colour, red is the most classic choice."
He sensed there was more to her tone than that. "But?"
She laughed - a beautiful sound. "I'll say that men usually choose it to apologise for doing something wrong. That's what we always get here," the young man left with the bouquet of red roses at that exact moment.
A look of understanding crossed his face. "They're overrated."
She shrugged. "A little, which is a shame. They mean true love, passion, desire."
John nodded. "And the others?"
"The light pink means new love," she explained, then pointed to the yellow one, "withering love or jealousy, which is not as nice. The white is purity and the pink means happiness. I suppose it doesn't really matter, though. Most people don't know their meanings."
"But you do," he sighed wistfully. "Maybe the lady I'm meeting does too."
She offered him a smile. "True enough. Oh, we have these too. They arrived today. The pink is almost a lilac, really," she pointed to a basket of roses in the corner. He couldn't really tell the difference between these and the light pink ones but he took her word for it. "They don't have thorns, so their meaning is love at first sight."
The young woman waited. He picked out the thornless rose. It seemed nicer next to the others, and he rather liked it. He was a romantic man, deep down - he had to make an effort, even if it didn't work.
"This one," he said with a smile. "If she's unpleasant, I'll just hope she doesn't know any flower meanings."
At this, the woman let out a hearty laugh. She took the rose from him. "Just one?"
"Yes, just the one."
"Well then, I'll wrap it up for you," she said, motioning for him to follow her.
When he left the shop, a few minutes later, he made a vague mental note to come back here, just in case the date failed.
He couldn't have anticipated his surprise, when later that evening, he found the same woman from the shop laughing upon meeting him at the table at the restaurant, finding the humour in the situation very amusing indeed. He couldn't help but finding it too - that the Anna who had gone to school with Mary was also the same woman who owned the little flower shop, not far from the hospital. She took the flower gracefully and confessed that it was her favourite rose.
He did return to the flower shop many times in the future.
Present Day
John saw her again just a few days later. It hadn't been on purpose, even if he wouldn't admit to himself that he drove past her place once or twice since he got back. She had a lovely little cottage, inherited from her father, not far from the shop, but still a little off town. He had often worried about her being alone there. It was perfectly safe, he knew that, but he still worried. It was impossible not to.
They had planned that he would move there once he came back. His flat was small compared to her place, and he had thought that they could try and expand the cottage in the future - in case it was necessary. When he thought back to those plans, it was as if it had happened in a dream.
But it surprised him when he walked home one evening, having stopped to buy some groceries, and just as he was about to cross the street he saw her.
Anna was at the little café, one they had been to many times before, just around the corner from his apartment building. He would recognise her anywhere, and he stopped short. The drizzle that had been falling for the last hour didn't make it hard for see her. Her hair was loose, and shorter, he noticed. She was sitting alone, staring out, but she wasn't really looking at anywhere in particular. She looked beautiful.
Part of him wanted to run towards the café and see her up close - hug her, kiss her. He was still standing, unsure if he should do that. For a split of a second it seemed like the right thing to do. Until she was taken back to the café, and a man stood by her table. John watched as she looked up, and though he couldn't see it he just knew she was smiling. The man kissed her cheek and sat opposite from her. Dejectedly, John couldn't bring himself to keep watching and got back to walking.
The world had changed while he was away, he knew that. His mind was filled with possibilities, and by the time he got home he was convinced that perhaps she was on a date, perhaps that was her new boyfriend, perhaps she had changed her life too. Their relationship ended less than six months ago, but that was enough time to meet someone new. And he couldn't blame her - he hated himself what had become of them, but not her. Never her. If she found strength to move on, she did the right thing.
He fell asleep many, many hours later, in the early morning hours, and his thoughts were filled with her scent, her voice, and her skin.
June 2013
They were inseparable. Their friends were happy they found each other, and they tried to see each other as much as possible. His work at the hospital sometimes left him with little time for himself. He was a pediatrician then, working for Scarborough General, and there was always a lot of work to do. After the divorce, he made himself available for night shifts and long weekends, but with Anna in his life that slowly changed.
Still, it was early in their relationship, too early for the sentimentality that filled his mind these days. He had never really made himself available for relationships after the divorce. He had never truly thought he would find someone again, or that he would think of marrying again. Anna made him question his principles, every time he saw her. It was far too easy to give in to her, to her mind and her body. They had been on many dates before taking the relationship to another step. They had had fun watching films and going for walks and finding new restaurants. And now, he was glad they did. Because once the next step was taken, it was torture just thinking of leaving her bed.
Now, he worked his way up her body, kissing and sucking and nibbling. He was slow and careful - her breathing was still erratic and the sweat from his body clung to hers. Before long, he reached her neck and her jaw, and he loved the look of pure bliss on her face. They kissed one more time, the taste of her mingling in their mouths, and she sighed, blinking a few times. He settled beside her, not wanting to part just yet. It had been days since they'd seen each other. His front pressed to her back as she molded herself to him, his fingers running through her hair as a satisfied sigh escaped her lips. He smiled into her neck.
"I love you," she whispered into the faint light of her bedroom, and he froze, surprised at her words. She laced their fingers together around her stomach and snuggled further against him. He knew she would expect him to say something - and it would be so easy for him to do so, because he felt he loved her ever since she smiled at him, that day at the shop.
His silence proved to be worse than anything, however, when he didn't bring himself to say the words. Anna turned in his arms, her long hair completely dishevelled after their lovemaking, and she looked absolutely perfect, save for the slightly worried expression on her face.
"You don't have to say anything," she told him, just as he opened his lips to speak. "I know it's… A little early for that. It just escaped me. I'm sorry."
But John shook his head. "No, don't be sorry. It's not that," he let out a deep breath, bringing his hands up from her waist, stopping just slightly on her collarbone. She had been to Spain just about three months ago, and the faint tan line of her bikini made her look even sexier. But now was not the time for that. "I don't think it's early. It's just… I never thought I'd hear that."
His hopeless explanation drew a smile from her. He felt calmer.
"I'm still getting used to the idea that you like being with me. Love, even," he added, and she let out a small laugh. "It's not that I don't love you back. Because I do. I do love you, very much. And I'm afraid because every day that passes I find myself loving you more."
At this, Anna let out an 'aww' and embraced him. "You're such a romantic. I love that."
John chuckled. "I'm glad you do. I'm sure you'll find it annoying sometimes."
She pulled away just slightly. "I doubt it. I love you," she repeated. These words were never so lovely. Her fingertips traced his lips. "What are you afraid of?"
He took a deep breath. "I don't know. Us not working out."
Anna frowned. "But we are working out, aren't we?"
He nodded. "Yes, of course."
"There are always risks, I suppose," she admitted. This was the first time they discussed their relationship properly. So much for pillow talk. "But we… Well, we have fun together. We enjoy many of the same things. And we've been accepting of what else we don't have in common. At least I think so."
He let out a chuckle, thinking back to the new Grey's Anatomy episode he endured watching because of her. He had never been a fan of medical shows, but he had refrained from pointing out obvious mistakes to her.
"Yes, we have."
She gave him a bright smile. "Yes. And I love it when we're like this," she confessed, her hands now rubbing against his chest. She was blushing slightly - it was an endearing sight. Being with her was like coming home, over and over again. He felt as if he had been waiting all his life for her. "And I love our conversations."
"I do too," he agreed.
"So there are risks," she continued. "And it won't always be a rosy garden, I know that. But I think it will be all right."
John smiled at her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "And I believe you when you say that."
"Well then," Anna said brightly. "Will you say it again?"
He arched his eyebrows. She was making fun of him, in the best possible way.
"I didn't quite hear you the first time around," she said, her eyes twinkling with mischief. He could swear he had just fallen for her again in that moment.
To humour her, he cleared his throat. She giggled, but turned serious when he said the words. "I love you."
It felt easier this time around.
She was smiling when she spoke. "And I love you too. See, that wasn't too hard-"
He interrupted her with a kiss, his fingers tickling the skin of her stomach, and in between giggles and kisses, he found himself putting his faith in her - it would be all right. He could believe that. And he could now stop pretending that he hadn't been hers right from their first kiss.
Present Day
It was early on Saturday when he reached the beach. He had had a therapy session earlier at the hospital, and as it had been particularly trying, he decided some fresh air would be better than stay inside his flat all day. Most of his things had been in boxes ever since he left months ago, and he only had the essentials out of them. He should be working on those soon. It would be good - give him something to think about.
It was early enough that most locals were out of sight, and the shops were beginning to open for the weekend. A couple ran past him, jogging. He and Anna used to do that sometimes, when the weather allowed it. He walked slower than usual, taking care of his leg. The wound in his knee was still healing. He passed by a little family sitting on the sand, even on the cold day, and their little boy was running rapidly towards the sea. It didn't take long for the father to run over to catch him. He heard a bark behind him. John took a deep breath, and allowed himself to purse his lips - the ghost of a smile. He felt better already, here - breathing in the salty air, seeing people start their weekends. He stopped walking and turned to watch the sea. It was a little cloudy and chilly, but still pleasant, if one wore a coat, of course. The barking grew closer. He turned his head.
He couldn't believe his eyes. Before he knew it, he was bending his knees and crouching down to welcome the dog into his arms. Of course he knew him - dogs never forgot. But he was so much bigger than the last time he laid eyes on him. Probably at least twice his size, really. And when he looked up, he saw her.
Anna was running towards them, wearing sneakers, leggings and a baggy pink jumper that looked quite good on her. When their eyes met, her steps ceased. Her surprise was obvious, but then so was his, and she took tentative steps towards them. Her cheeks were rosy pink from running and her eyes seemed to dart everywhere - his face, his hair, his body. He wasn't sure what it was that he saw in her eyes - perhaps relief. Perhaps love.
"Byron!" she called as she approached them, and the furry white dog ran towards her, visibly excited. She laughed at him, but not before crouching down to put his leash on. "Do not run away like that again!"
The dog merely sat up between them, eyes darting back and forth. Anna stood up again.
"I'm sorry. It's the first time he's done this," she explained, a little flustered.
"Ever since he was a puppy, you mean?" he asked, remembering all too well how the little puppy Anna had taken from a shelter would run away quite a lot whenever they took him on walks.
She let out a laugh. "Yes. He's been much better lately. Still learning, though," she added, chancing a look at the dog and then back at him. "This is… Well, it's a surprise."
"Yes, I, uh, got back a couple weeks ago," John told her.
"Yes, I know," Anna said with a nod. She looked even more beautiful now than before. "How have you been?"
"I'm better," he told her, but he meant physically. "I suffered a… knee injury there. Walking helps to heal it, to use the muscles. It's a slow process."
She nodded. "Yes, of course," her voice sounded odd. He thought he saw a trace of tears on her eyes, but only for a moment. "I'm very glad that you're back. I was worried."
"I know," John sighed. "I'm sorry."
She smiled, but it did not reach her ears. "Don't think I'll ever be able to watch the news properly again."
He simply nodded, hating that he had caused her such pain. But he knew they had to talk. Not like this - properly. She didn't seem angry, which was good - but at the same time, it made him worry.
"How are you?" he found himself asking.
"I'm okay," she told him, sniffing, but sobering up quickly. "The shop is doing well. Byron keeps me good company at home."
They shared a genuine smile at that, but he knew he should be the one to keep her company. And he could only hope she didn't share his thoughts.
"I should be going, to open the shop," she said a moment later, apparently annoyed at that. "I'd like it if we could, you know, talk properly. If you want to."
John nodded. "I'd like that."
His reply apparently surprised her. "Yes? So… When are you free? Tonight?"
So soon. But he nodded. "I'm free."
She smiled. "Good, that's… That's nice. Would you like to come over then? We can, you know, catch up. It would be better if we were there, I think."
John could see that she was nervous, and he knew he was too. He couldn't give her hope now - there was nothing worse than to live with false hope. And yet, just by seeing her, he knew that she gave him hope. More hope than he should really have.
"Yes, that would be better," he agreed.
"All right then," she said, and he suspect her tone was brighter than she truly felt. She looked at him expectantly. It was a miracle itself that she wanted to see him again, after their last few conversations. He tried to keep the image of her tears away for now. She was in front of him now, not across the world on a computer screen. She was right here.
And before he knew, she launched herself forward, her arms wrapping around his middle. She rested her head against his chest and he couldn't help but put his arms around her again. There were times when he thought that he would never see her again, or feel her warmth against him. And yet, she was here now - clinging to him, making his heart beat faster. When he looked down, she had her eyes closed. And as she pulled away, slowly, he saw that a tear had fallen into her cheek. She wiped it away.
"I'm sorry," Anna said. Her voice wavered. "It's so good to see you here."
"It's very good to see you too," he said with honesty. "So, tonight."
She smiled. "Yes. I'll see you then. Best get going now. Come on, Byron," she asked the dog, whose tail went from side to side, but did not move. "Come on, boy."
With a tug on his leash, Byron did walk towards Anna. She was his rightful owner, after all, even if they had adopted the dog together, even if they had named him together. John watched as they walked away towards the street, and Anna looked behind once, twice, three times before he started to walk away. He did it because it was becoming hard to not go after her, to not kiss her lips and let her into his life. His arms felt empty now that she was gone, but it was as if his heart had started breathing again now that she was around. It only confirmed what he already knew.
He had never stopped being hers.