A/N: The muse has struck again. Thankfully it has only spat out a one-shot. Takes place directly after Clash of the Mutanimals. Hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Raphael knelt in front of the tree in the dojo, eyes closed and head bowed. To anyone else it would have looked like he was asleep, but he was actually, for once, meditating. Scenes played through his memories. Images of a battle between himself and Leonardo. He was not in control of his actions; his body was Shredder's weapon. He was aware of what he was doing, but he had to do what his master had commanded; and that had been to destroy his brothers.

"Raph! Snap out of it, man! Shredder's the enemy!"

"You are the enemy."

Raphael squeezed his eyes tightly closed and clenched his hands into fists. He could still hear the sound of betrayal in his brother's voices. But, underneath all that, Raphael couldn't forget the bliss of not feeling anything. There had been no anger, no rage, nothing. For the first time in his life, Raphael had felt strangely at peace. Not with the situation...heaven forbid. He had been pitted against the ones closest to him. But, the no emotion part, that he wouldn't mind feeling again.

"Raphael? What are you still doing up? You should be in bed," came the gentle voice of his father.

Raphael opened his eyes and looked over his shoulder. "Couldn't sleep," he replied. "Too many things on my mind."

Splinter walked over and knelt down next to his son. "What things?" he asked.

Raphael looked down at the floor. "Just thinkin' about what happened tonight."

"About being under the control of Shredder?" Splinter guessed.

Raphael nodded. "I can't get what Leo said out of my head," he replied.

"And what did he say?" Splinter questioned.

Raphael swallowed nervously, unsure if he should confide in his father about his thoughts and feelings. But, if he couldn't talk to Splinter, who could he talk to?

"He said that I enjoyed being under Shredder's control," Raphael answered. "That I enjoyed not being able to feel any emotion."

"And was he right?" Splinter asked.

Raphael couldn't bring himself to look at his father. He couldn't bear to see the look of betrayal on Splinter's face when he heard the truth.

"Yes," Raphael said in a small voice.

"Explain," Splinter instructed, his tone remaining gentle and caring.

Raphael took a shaky breath. "There was nothing, sensei. No anger...no rage...It was blank. All my life I've been pegged as the hot-head. The loose cannon. But, under the effects of the serum there was nothing."

"Do not forget, my son, that you were under Shredder's control," Splinter pointed out.

"I'm not saying I enjoyed that part," Raphael replied. "I just want that feeling of nothingness."

Splinter put a hand on his son's shoulder. "Raphael, you are much stronger than your emotions. You do not need a drug to keep them under control."

"I don't want to control them, sensei," Raphael said. "I want to get rid of them."

"Raphael," Splinter spoke in a warning tone. "Wishing to get rid of emotion is very dangerous."

Raphael finally met his father's gaze, his eyes wet with tears. Splinter sighed.

"Raphael, if you were to become truly emotionless, that would make you no better than Shredder himself," the ninja master explained. "Do you truly want that for yourself?"

Raphael looked away. "No," he answered quietly.

"Shredder turned you into a mindless drone. He took away the thing that makes you unique."

"I doubt my bad temper makes me unique, sensei," Raphael told him.

Splinter shook his head. "I am not talking about your temper. I am talking about your love for your brothers. Shredder does not know anything besides resentfulness."

Raphael's eyes began to burn and when he blinked tears streamed down his face. He couldn't argue. Splinter's logic was sound. Besides, it was a mind control serum. Even if he went after it, if he were to take it, he would always be under the control of someone else. Raphael wiped the tears from his eyes. Splinter gently pulled him into a hug, holding him close.

"If anything were to happen to you, there would be a hole in my heart that nothing could fill," the ninja master said. "You are my son, Raphael and I love you. And I would not want you any other way than what you are."

Raphael squeezed his eyes tight and clenched his teeth as he tried to fight back the wave of emotion that was threatening to crash over him. But, the wave was too strong and Raphael broke down into uncontrollable sobs, burying his face in Splinter's chest; clenching his father's robe like a lifeline. His body shook with violent sobs, his cries echoing through the dojo. Splinter sensed that there was another reason for his son's tears, but he didn't say anything; waiting for Raphael to speak.

"I could've killed them," Raphael sobbed, his voice muffled by the robe. "I could've killed my brothers."

"But, you didn't," Splinter told him, his voice soft and soothing. "You broke free."

"I couldn't fight it. I knew what I was doing, but...I...I just..."

Splinter rubbed his son's back as Raphael continued to sob.

"I'm sorry, father. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, my son," Splinter replied.

Raphael's breath hitched and he choked on a sob. "I never wanted...I didn't mean..."

The walls rang with the young turtle's anguished cries. Splinter put a hand on the back of Raphael's head and closed his eyes. Raphael had always been loyal to a fault, and Shredder turned that loyalty against him; making him raise a hand to his own flesh and blood; the ones Raphael had sworn to protect with his life. Splinter had a feeling that the reason why Raphael didn't want to feel any emotion was because he was so guilt ridden he didn't know what to do.

"If only you could see that it wasn't your fault," Splinter whispered to his anguished son.

Tears spent, body weak from exhaustion, Raphael slowly relaxed into his father's arms. Every now and then a small sob would escape him. Splinter held his sleeping son in his arms as he used to do when the turtle was little. He picked Raphael up, holding him close to his chest and got to his feet. Splinter made his way out of the dojo and made the short trek across the lair to Raphael's room. Using his tail, Splinter pulled back the blankets before carefully laying Raphael in the bed. He pulled the blankets up to cover his son. Splinter wiped away a stray tear from his son's cheek as he bent down and kissed the top of Raphael's head.

"Sleep well, my son," he whispered. "May the angels watch over you as you dream. And know that you are loved beyond measure. And no matter how old you grow, you are, and forever will be, my son."

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