The Nightmare

Disclaimer: Sadly I own neither Saving Hope nor Daniel Gillies.

Pairing: Joel & Alex (or if you prefer Alex & Joel)

Rating: T

Summary: Alex experiences a loss that hits close to home.

Alex Reid's vision was so blurred by tears that she found it difficult to see to drive home. It was late and she was tired but she knew that there was no way she'd sleep tonight.

There aren't enough bottles of red wine in the world to make me forget this.

Forget her.

The patient's name was Anna Klein, a five year-old girl, with CF, that Alex had treated since she was a baby in the NICU. She'd tried the same treatment that had been successful with Connor.

I was so nervous that day.

And Joel took me to the junk yard and let me smash car windshields with a baseball bat.

After that I felt better.

He kissed me that night after Connor's surgery.

Alex smiled at the memory.

Only this time the treatment had failed.

Anna had died on the table.

She's almost the same age as Charlotte.

She instantly regretted the thought but it was too late to dispel it.

There were suddenly fresh tears on her cheeks.

She gripped the steering wheel too tightly in an effort to stop her hands from shaking.

Suddenly she couldn't catch her breath. It was almost as if she was having sympathy symptoms the patient she'd just lost.

That little girl could never catch her breath.

I'm a doctor.

I was supposed to fix it.

I was supposed to give Anna a chance to catch her breath.

That was my job.

I failed her.

I lost her.

Relief flooded through her body as she turned off the street and into the driveway. She knew who would be waiting for her inside.

Luke.

Charlotte.

Theo.

Joel.

Just the mere thought of her husband made her feel a little bit better. She couldn't wait to go inside, peel off her clothes, shower, crawl in bed next to him, and lose herself in the comfort of his arms.

She went inside and wearily made her way up the stairs. She checked in on the kids on her way to the bedroom, but she lingered a moment longer in Charlotte's room.

She swept a stand of soft dark hair identical to her own off of her daughter's forehead.

"I love you, sweet pickle," She whispered, kissing her daughter, before she rose to her feet, still wiping tears from her eyes.

She walked into the darkened bedroom, taking off her clothes and throwing them in the hamper.

Her gaze lingered on Joel as he slept.

She longed to kiss the thin layer of stubble on his cheek.

God, he's sexy.

She thought, a shiver of desire running through her body as she looked at him, shirtless and sleeping peacefully.

She stepped naked into the shower, and didn't try to fight the tears as they fell.

Joel was awakened by the sound of the shower running.

Alex is home.

He thought drowsily, feeling the same sense of relief that he always felt whenever his wife was nearby.

He was just about to drift off to sleep, when he heard yet another familiar sound, muffled by the sound of the running water.

She's crying.

Joel was just about to get out of bed and go to her when the bathroom door opened and she got into bed next to him wearing nothing but her brother Luke's oversized hockey jersey.

"Joel…" She whispered, her salt tears, falling against his skin as she kissed the mole behind his ear. "Joel, baby…Are you awake?"

Her voice sounded soft and desperate as though she'd break in half if he didn't reply.

"Hey Reid," He mumbled sleepily, automatically wrapping his arm around her waist, "What's wrong?"

"Anna…She…She died today…I couldn't save her, Joel, I couldn't…"

Her fragmented words dissolved into tears as her husband pulled her closer, and pressed his lips against the column of flesh at her throat. "Alex, love, I'm so sorry. "She was almost the same age as Charlotte." "I know." He whispered holding her tightly and kissing her even as she cried herself to sleep.

In the dream everything was the same.

The medical equipment beeping out its incessant warnings while Alex called out the same orders to push epinephrine and atropine while her patient's tiny body finally gave up the struggle.

Alex pulled off her surgical mask and scrub cap, sweating with the exertion of the failed attempt to save the child's life.

There was nothing left to do but call it.

Alex sighed, "Time of death, 3:33p.m."

But when she looked down at the patient's tiny lifeless form on the operating table, it wasn't Anna she saw.

It was her daughter.

Charlotte.

Alex screamed, "No…No…No!"

Joel felt Alex tense in his arms as they slept. He jolted awake from sleep when he heard her scream.

"Alex, it's just a nightmare. Wake up!" Joel shouted so she'd hear him over the sound of her own screams.

"Alex, wake up! Joel called out again, as he watched her pounding her fists against the pillow, as if she were fighting invisible demons that only she could see. "Reid, wake up, Reid!"

It was only when he shouted her name for the third time that she awoke. Her blue eyes met his, even as they danced back and forth in panic.

"Joel?" She whispered, reaching for his hand, shuddering away the afterimage of the terrifying dream.

"I'm right here, Reid. You're okay. It was just a nightmare." Joel said, keeping his voice steady as he grasped her shaking hand.

"I was working on Anna… I called it. But then I realized it wasn't Anna. It was Charlotte. It was our baby girl on that table, Joel!" She whispered crying against his chest, "No, love, Charlotte fine. She's fine, Alex. I promise."

Alex knew she wouldn't sleep until she saw her beautiful, perfectly alive, perfectly healthy, slumbering daughter with her own eyes.

And so did Joel.

That was the only reason he let her get out of bed, when every part of him wanted to hold her in his arms until her body stopped shaking.

Joel watched as Alex got out of bed and walked toward their daughter's bedroom. A second later, he got out of bed too, and headed downstairs.

I know what she needs.

Alex sighed with relief as she walked into Charlotte's room and saw her sleeping soundly.

She sat on the edge of her daughter's bed, and reached out to stroke the baby soft skin of her cheek.

Joel appeared in the doorway with a glass of pinot noir, practically filled to the rim, in one hand.

Alex smiled, "Thank you, Doctor Goran. I love you." She whispered so she wouldn't wake her sleeping daughter.

It was Joel's turn to smile, "You're welcome, Doctor Reid. And I love you too." He said, placing his hand gently on her shoulder as she whispered, "She's okay."

Joel nodded, "She's more than okay. She's healthy and beautiful. Just like her mother."

Alex smiled, as Joel extended his free hand toward his wife and pulled her to her feet.

"She's okay." Alex repeated, reassuring herself, "Let me drink this wine and we'll go to bed."

"Yes, ma'am. " Joel replied, following her back into their bedroom and softly closing the door.