A/N: Hello, people of the fanfic world! I, the ultimate Insane but Happy, am back! (Insert fans cheering here) Wait…do I even have any fans? Dammit, I'll just pretend I do. Anyhoo, it's is currently 1:44 A.M. and my two friends and I are terribly high and delirious, and have therefore decided to write the very first ever Iruka/Gaara fanfic. My two friends 'Sally McPhee' (Why the hell do you wanna call yourself that?) and 'Your Pimp' (Jeez, you guys are weird) shall be communicating to you all too.
Your Pimp: May God help you.
Sally McPhee: I like chopsticks too.
Insane but Happy: Uh…huh. Don't we all…ON WITH THE FANFIC!
Caramel Latté
One day, Iruka spiked Gaara's caramel latté from Starbucks.
Why?
I don't know. He just felt like it. You know, one of those strange impulses you get, like the sudden urge to eat a cracker, or maybe watch Aladdin and the Forty Thieves for the first time in five years. There's no reason for it. You just do it.
Now why did Gaara drink the caramel latté?
Cause he was thirsty.
Duh.
But the reasons hardly matter. What did matter was that that one, single, solitary caramel latté would change their lives.
Forever.
Dun dun dun…no.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Gaara's vision was hazy, and his body ached. Why? Because he had slept on the kitchen floor, and man, does that ever hurt. Don't try it at home. Unless you like it that way. Eh, Ashley Simpson? Haha…whore. Not only that, but he had also slept on his pet cat. What's this, you ask? Gaara has a pet cat?
Haha…no. No he doesn't.
But you just said he did, you ask?
Haha…shut up. Stop asking stupid questions. We're trying to tell a freakin' story.
As he tried to untangle himself from the mess of his silky white sheets (Yes, he had silky white sheets on his kitchen floor. We all have a fetish, admit it.), his eyes fell upon a surprising, shocking, dastardly, and all out unusual sight.
He saw Iruka.
On the floor.
Under his silky white sheets.
His jounin vest and attire lying like stray cats on the floor.
(Insane but Happy: Nice metaphor, Your Pimp. Very nice.)
Gaara's eyes widened in horror, his jaw dropping in shock. A cold sweat broke out on his beautifully eyebrow-less forehead. What on earth had happened? Suddenly, Iruka stirred. Gaara watched the grown man wearily. Iruka lazily stretched his arms, yawning. Then he slowly blinked open his eyes, his vision slowly gaining focus.
He saw Gaara.
Gaara stared at him.
A beat.
"Good morning, Gaara!"
"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"
The walls shook. The ground shook. The coffee table shook. Why was there a coffee table in the kitchen, you ask? Jeez, we told you to stop asking stupid questions! Seriously, do you need a freakin' explanation for everything? Why do we even bother! Screw this, we're leaving.
…
…
…
We're sorry. We overreacted. Let's never fight again.
On with the story!
Finally, when Gaara stopped screaming, panting for breath, throat parched, Iruka opened his mouth to speak.
But before he could say anything, Gaara opened his mouth and started screaming again.
"RAPE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!'
Gaara's cat twitched its ears in annoyance.
"Jeez, since when did this kid get so loud and out of character?" the cat asked himself, "Screw this, I'm outta here."
The cat got up and left.
Then it got hit by a car.
Want to know the best part?
I was that car.
The end.
Haha…no.
(Sally McPhee: I like pretty hamsters. They make me smile.
Insane but Happy: I was that hamster.
Your Pimp: I own that hamster.
Sally McPhee: I own my socks. … Well, actually, the government does.
Insane but Happy: There, there, we love you anyway.
Your Pimp: Pat pat.)
Iruka, using the power of anime, sweat dropped. Ah, good fun.
"I didn't rape you. I just spiked your drink," he said in annoyance, "Then you invited me to share your silky white sheets. They're rather nice, I must say."
Gaara's eye twitched.
"But…they're my silky white sheets…"
Iruka winked.
"Yes. Yes they are."
Gaara's eye twitched again.
"So you didn't rape me?"
Iruka was silent.
Gaara's eyes both began to twitch.
A beat.
"Nah, I'm just shitting you." Iruka said.
Gaara slapped him.
"How could you play with my heart like that?" he shouted, his voice strangled.
Iruka shrugged.
"Shit happens."
Gaara scowled.
"I may just have to kill you." He said with a deadly glare.
"Meh. Shit happens."
"Will you shut the hell up?"
A beat.
A beat.
A beat.
A beat.
Another beat.
Yet another beat.
A pear.
A beat.
A beat.
A beat.
A bat.
A beat.
A sheet.
A silky white.
Sheet.
A beat.
"Actually, I did rape you."
A beat.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"…"
"…"
"I'll be eighteen in six years."
"I guess that counts for something."
"Yeah."
A beat.
"Wait, you raped me? YOU BASTARD!"
"Shit happens."
A beat.
"Hey, where did my cat go?"
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Insane but Happy: …wtf?
Your Pimp: Ahhhh…the minty fresh goodness of our screwed up minds.
Insane but Happy: Amen. So…is Sally McPhee passed out on the couch?
Your Pimp: Meh…Shit happens.