Willow's first day back in Sunnydale after being away in England for the summer was certainly an eventful one. Firstly, her own fears of not being accepted back by her friends had caused her to inadvertently cast a spell that made her invisible to them, and vice versa. And then, in an attempt at trying to find her friends she ended up trapped in the cave of a magick-immune skin-eating demon. Thankfully they found her, but not before the aforementioned skin-eating demon had managed to do some damage. But the moment that Willow saw Buffy and Xander she almost forgot the awful pain because all at once her fears of being rejected were gone. She felt loved. She didn't feel that she deserved it at all, for many, many reasons. But in spite of the terrible things she had done, Buffy, Xander, Dawn and even Anya, in her own way, still made her feel like she was back home. Accepted.
It had been three months since Tara had died in her arms. Being back in their old room brought back all the painful memories from that day. The window was fixed now, but she could still see the hole in the glass where the fatal bullet had passed. She looked down at the floor and could still see Tara's body lying there, still in death.
A cool, night breeze fluttered the window curtains. Willow walked stiffly from the bedroom doorway to the window, her face tense with pain from the fresh wounds on her abdomen. She shut the window, closed the blinds and then climbed into bed, wincing as she did. The physical pain almost seemed metaphorical for the mental and emotional pain of the last three months; it was constant yet increased exponentially when she tried to do normal, everyday activities.
For the first couple of weeks in England, Willow felt that she deserved to die. She deserved pain. She wanted pain. The pain of Tara's death was so severe that she went numb and completely lost herself in black magic as a way to somehow drown it out, to take revenge and somehow bring about justice. After torturing and killing Warren and wounding all her friends she felt that she deserved the same treatment. Initially, she almost resented Giles for being kind to her. She expressed those feelings to him and he explained that no, she wasn't getting what she deserved, but she was getting what she needed. He was right, of course. He helped her grieve over Tara, and he helped her to focus her energies on learning the good magics and to not be afraid of herself. What he taught her helped enormously, but there was no quick fix for the damage that she had done, to herself or to others. Time and hard work combined were the only things that could slowly mend what was broken.
Willow sighed, winced and then turned off the bedside lamp. Laying back, she tried to clear her head of its restless thoughts and ignore the pain in her abdomen. Tomorrow she would definitely have to try some meditation to heal herself. Until then, sleep, which was long overdue was definitely the best course of action.
"Willow!" Willow turned around quickly at the sound of a familiar voice. A voice she hadn't heard in far too long.
"Tara? Tara, baby, is that you?" Tara came striding gracefully through the drifting white fog, a peaceful smile upon her face. Her whole being shone with a pure, unearthly light and her bare feet left no prints in the sand where she walked.
"Hey, baby." Willow just stared at her for a moment, and then ran towards her. Time seemed to stand still, and it felt like she was running in slow motion. But then she felt Tara's arms around her in a tight embrace and everything was perfect. Willow was overcome by so many emotions that she could hardly get the words out.
"I never thought I'd see you again... Tara, I've missed you since you've been away. It was so hard..."
"Sshh," said Tara soothingly.
"I haven't been away, Willow. You have. But now you're home." Willow nodded, trying to hold back the tears that sprang to her eyes.
"You're hurt. I can feel it."
"I know, but it doesn't matter, now that you're here." Tara suddenly pulled back from their embrace and looked Willow in the eye, lovingly but firmly.
"Willow, I'm not really here. This is just a dream. When you wake up, you'll be in your bed in Buffy's house. I'll still be gone." Willow took a step back and shook her head, her eyes breaking away from Tara's gaze.
"But you can't leave again," she said pleadingly. "You're here, you're really here, I can feel you, and you're just like I remember. You can't..."
"Willow, look at me." Willow looked back into Tara's eyes. Silent, angry tears slid down both cheeks.
"You're not ready to see me again. You have to wait. You have to take the slow path. You have so much more to do before you see me again." Tara reached out a hand and placed it on Willow's cheek, gently wiping away a falling tear.
"I have to go. You can't dream forever." Tara pulled her hand away and took a step backwards before fading into the mist.
"Tara? No, come back. You have to come back. Tara, baby..."
Suddenly, Willow was back in their room at Buffy's house. Tara was standing with her back to the window.
"Tara, get away from the win-" Too late. The gunshot, the shattered window, Tara's last words...
"Tara?! Tara, baby..."
Buffy lay awake in her bed, staring at the ceiling as she did so often. Willow was back. She was still trying to figure out how to feel about it. She was happy, of course. She was her best friend. Always. Even after... anyway, she was happy. But in the back of her mind there was that feeling of disappointment. She knew it would always be there. Disappointment because nothing would ever be the same. Murder changes you. Knowing that Willow lived every moment with the guilt of what she had done made it hard for Buffy to look her in the eye. But hey, everyone had their demons. She'd screwed up many times and her friends had always been there for her. Willow was still her best friend and no one could take away the good times they'd had together.
Buffy sat up and got out of bed. She decided she should check on Willow and see if she needed anything. Water, a blanket, aspirin. She would've done the same for her. Buffy quietly slipped out into the hall. She stood, listening for a moment at Willow's door. At first she didn't hear anything, but then...
"Tara?! Tara, baby..."
The words were more whimpered than spoken. Buffy got a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach and sighed before slowly opening the door. Willow was tossing and turning on her bed, her forehead and face glistening with sweat. Her breathing was fast and labored. Buffy could see a tinge of blood on the bandages on her stomach. She quickly walked over to the bed and grasped Willow's shoulder with both hands. She shook her firmly.
"Willow, wake up. It's Buffy. Wake up. Wake up, you're dreaming." Willow grew still and her breathing slowed slightly. She looked up at Buffy with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"It's okay." Buffy looked away. This was hard. Willow
"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry, I should-" she interrupted her own sentence with a soft moan of pain. Her hand traveled to the bandages on her abdomen, which were damp with blood. Buffy grimaced at the sight.
"I should get you another bandage. Do you need water, or aspirin, or..."
"Buffy, please." Willow's voice was pleading, and tears were still rolling down her cheeks.
"You shouldn't..." Another moan.
"You shouldn't do this to me. You should've left me in that cave. You should have let me die."
"No, of course I wouldn't do that. Willow, what are you talking about?" Buffy sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at Willow, who was completely breaking down. She couldn't even get her next words out. Buffy leaned over and just held her in her arms as she cried.
"Sshh... it's okay, Will. It's okay. You're my best friend, no matter what, okay? I love you. I want to help you. It's okay..."
A few minutes later, Willow was able to pull herself together. She pushed herself into a sitting position but not before gasping from the pain. She brushed away the tears from her cheeks and then gave a sigh.
"I think I'm okay now." Her voice was steady. Buffy nodded.
"Good."
They sat in silence for a moment. Willow swallowed.
"Um... I know that I... I still have a ways to go. In getting better. I'm sorry. I should've stayed in England. Giles wanted me to come since the Hellmouth was getting all, y'know, Hellmouthy again." Buffy smiled.
"Same old same old." Willow sighed and looked down at the bed. Buffy reached out and gently held her hand.
"Listen, Will. None of this has been easy. It's been really, really hard. I don't need to make it any harder for us by being angry at you right now. And there's something you need to do." Willow looked over at Buffy, her face the picture of contrition.
"I'll do anything, just tell me."
"You need to start trusting and forgiving yourself." Willow rolled her eyes.
"You sound just like Giles." Buffy smiled.
"Uh-oh. I guess that means I actually listened to him at some point." Willow sniffed and smiled, squeezing Buffy's hand.
"I know what you mean. Trust me, I've been trying." Buffy nodded.
"Good."
Willow rested her head back on the pillow, sighing uncomfortably and bringing a hand to her stomach once again. Buffy noticed.
"Hey, it looks like you could use..."
"Yeah, I guess so. Would you mind..."
"Not at all."
After Buffy helped change her bandages, Willow settled back down to try to get some more sleep. Between tossing and turning in her sleep, crying while awake and the pain from her wounds, she was exhausted. But she felt better. She smiled at the memory of her dream with Tara. The feeling of her arms around her comforted her. And of course, her talk with Buffy. It was a long journey, and it wasn't over yet, but she was with people that she loved, and they were with her.
She was home.