He couldn't do this, didn't want to do this. He desperately wanted to look anywhere else but at Mal and Simon as they lowered the small wooden box into the muddy ground but he felt compelled to watch horrified as they shoveled dirt back into the hole. He flinched as the first slop hit the box with a sharp slap reminding him of gunshot.

No touching guns. That was one rule she could never follow, it was one rule he vowed he'd keep. Jayne could never pick up a gun without remembering her, with her big crazy doe eyes, wavy hair and bare feet. Her feet were always so cold, could never keep her boots on. He shuddered trying to keep the chill of the hard pelting rain out of his heart. He tried to concentrate on Book's solemn voice but he could hear the tears the man was holding back and he was dangerously close to losing his mind, so close to becoming as crazy as the girl in the box.

Girl in a box. Its how the mercenary had first seen her, small, pink and screaming from within the cryo tank her brother had lovingly stuffed her into. Right then he knew the girl by herself was all sorts of trouble. He had found himself with his head tilted and thoughts racing through his head, thoughts he didn't ever want to think, not even then, the whole experience was downright unsettling.

He heard Kaylee's broken sobs, Simon and Inara's hushed words of assurance. He felt his jaw tighten as he saw the crew begin to walk away. His feet did not want to move, he wanted to be right here when she woke up screaming like a frightened child because of the gorram dark they stuck her in. Weren't right leaving a little girl alone in the dark.

"The weapon needs someone to make sure she functions properly."
"Ain't a weapon, you're a lil girl."
"Then the girl would like a home."
"Now you're just askin' the wrong person. Go find your brother."
"Simon only sees the River-that-was. He can't see what you see, can't see the new light in all the darkness."
"I don't see nothin, now git."
"You don't see River as she was or what she could be just simply as she is and she doesn't even have to ask."
Then she just had to flash him that hundred watt smile that was so full of trust and secrets. He tried to push her away as she leaned up to brush her warm lips against his cheek, tried to ignore the heat that fanned out across his skin, all he could do was close his eyes and wait until she left.
"Thank you, Jayne."

When he opened his eyes, she was gone leaving her soft tinkling laughter in his ears. He didn't know why he felt the need to smile he just did. Later he realized if he carried on with the feng le girl his days were numbered and the bitter irony that it wasn't his days he should have been worried was like rubbing salt into a gaping wound.
He stood there with Mal's sympathetic gaze drilling holes into his brain. He knew he would be wanted back on the ship with the rest of the crew in an attempt to recover from his loss. All Jayne wanted to do was lie right on that mound of mud and wait, wait for something he knew would never happen but it didn't stop him from wanting it.

No power in the 'verse can stop me.
He heard her mumble that phrase a thousand times and he desperately needed to believe that when first realized there would be no Jayne Cobb without River Tam.

One single bullet was all it took to stop her.

A bullet to the brainpan had stripped him of saying goodbye to the one person who would always matter.
He could feel Mal waiting to escort him back to Serenity, back home. He reread the grave stone one last time.

River May Tam
Beloved Sister,
Devoted Friend
Big Damn Hero.

Jayne met Mal's torn eyes full on before he gave him a half hearted attempt at a smile then turned and walked away from the dim glow of Serenity's lights that were waiting to welcome home someone who wasn't coming.