Where must we go,
We who seek the wasteland
in search of our better selves?
~The First History of Man
There is too much to do for Capable to grieve.
She likes it that way. Building a new empire on the ruins of an old one is no mean feat, and by the time she throws herself into her bed every night after a long day's work, she's too tired to think about Nux or Angharad or anything else. Sometimes, when the work slows for a moment, she can feel the sadness start to creep in.
I wish they were here now. It's a tiny inkling of a thought that takes days to pull herself out of, so she shakes her head and finds something else to consume her. She secretly hopes the work never ends, because that means she'll have time to think, and time to think means she won't be able to stop thinking about them.
It's hard enough to not think of them as it is. She spent every hour of every day with her sisters—they can't not remember Angharad. Angharad, who was Capable's only companion in the days before the Immortan had claimed Toast as this third bride. Angharad who made a deal with Furiosa and got them out of the Citadel. Angharad who died for them. And then there's the War Boys she and Cheedo are teaching to become human again...they're so like Nux in their childish simplicity, their difficulty with grasping the idea of a bigger world and their eagerness to try.
The ache comes to her chest and she swallows it down. There is too much to do for Capable to grieve.
.
She's helping Cheedo explain to a flock of War Boys and War Pups why Immortan Joe was a liar, why there is no chrome-plated Walhalla, when it happens.
One War Pup raises a bold hand.
"Then who looks after us?" he asks in a high, piping voice, not yet roughened by sand and grease. "Who watches over us and opens the gates of Walhalla for us?"
Capable opens her mouth to tell him No one. No one watches over us and opens the gates for us because there is no Walhalla. There is only death, and nothing after it.
But Cheedo speaks first. "The Mother," she says, sounding as sure of herself as if this is the doctrine with which she grew up. "The Splendid Angharad. We are all her children, and when we die she is the one to carry us to the Green Place."
"The Splendid Angharad can't be our god," a War Boy says. "She was a breeder, and she died."
Cheedo holds her head up high. "Immortan Joe was a warrior, and he died. Who killed the world?"
"Men," the boys answer. It is a response they know well by now.
"Who made it grow again?"
Capable turns and stares at Cheedo. What have you done? she wants to ask.
But all around them, the War Boys and War Pups begin murmuring. "The Green Place. The Green Place. The Mother will carry us to the Green Place."
She tries to imagine it. She imagines Angharad pulling Nux out of the wreck and carrying him to someplace green and lush. The Green Place waits for me.
Cheedo looks at her and beams.
.
That night, Capable dreams of them. She dreams of the first time she met Angharad, when the older woman helped her get ready for her "wedding" to the Immortan. Angharad bathes her and dresses her in white, just as she had before. "Don't be afraid," she says. "You're not alone."
Rictus comes in then, but instead of escorting them to the branding as he had done before, he plants an anti-seed in Angharad's head. Capable screams and catches the other woman in her arms, but when she turns her over, it's Nux's face staring up at her. "Witness me," he mouths before he bursts into flame.
She doesn't realize she's screaming until there's a bright light in her face and several voices are shouting and someone is shaking her. Capable opens her eyes and squints against the overhead light. She's in her room, the room she shares with the other wives (not the one in the vault—they refuse to go back. This is a different room, one that doesn't have locks or bars), and they are all standing over her and staring.
"You were screaming," the Dag says unhelpfully. Her hand is resting on her belly, which is finally starting to show signs of a baby inside. It won't be long before she swells up like Angharad.
"I'm sorry," Capable whispers. She eases into a sitting position, her head pounding, and accepts a cup of water from Toast.
Cheedo sits on the bed beside her. "Did you dream about...them?" she asks in a soft voice.
Capable nods but doesn't elaborate. She doesn't need to. Cheedo and Toast and Dag all crowd in on the bed around her and bury her in an embrace. It reminds her of the old days, when the Immortan would finally leave them for the night and they would all wrap themselves around whoever had been unlucky enough to suffer his attentions. But there's a gaping hole where Angharad should be, and a heavy silence that ought to be filled with Angharad's soft, crooning words of comfort.
Capable feels bile rise up in her throat and swallows it down. Not now, she begs silently. But it's coming for her, sooner or later. It's only a matter now of how fast she can run before it all catches up with her.
.
She doesn't feel quite right the next day, and she chalks it up to her nightmare. Her head aches and her stomach won't stop roiling and all in all she just wants to crawl back into bed. She won't, though, no matter how badly she wants to. If she falls asleep, she might dream about them again, and if she keeps herself awake, she'll definitely think about them.
A welcome distraction arrives in the form of Max. They haven't seen him since he slipped off the platform and out of the Citadel on that day almost two months ago. His hair has grown out, but only a little, and the wild, hunted look about him has toned down, if only slightly. He doesn't say why he's there and no one really asks—tired of running, maybe.
The sisters plus Furiosa plus the two remaining Vuvalini make a big to-do about him being back and all chip in to make dinner. It's a nice, private affair on the roof, lusher and greener than ever, with the sky turning orange to red to purple to blue to black above them. They light a small fire when it gets dark, and they would marvel at the stars above them if they weren't so excited for Max to be back in their midst. He doesn't say much about his time away and instead shifts the focus back to the Citadel, which the women are only too happy to talk about. Even if he isn't interested, he makes a good show of pretending to be. He relaxes under the weight of food and conversation, and when he doesn't think anyone's looking, Capable can see his eyes lingering for a second too long on Furiosa. Furiosa is less discreet; her eyes keep drifting to him when someone else is talking, and it's really quite endearing. If only, Capable thinks. In another place in another time...maybe.
The women have finally roused themselves to clean up and head for bed, but Max catches Capable and motions for her to join him at a distance from the others. Confused, she follows him off to the side and ignores the curious looks she can feel directed at her.
"I went back through the canyon," he says quietly. "I thought...maybe they hadn't...maybe there was a chance..."
It sounds indiscernible, but Capable knows what he's trying to say. She's been hoping for the same chance.
He pulls something out of his pocket and fingers it. It's a round piece of metal with a few links of a chain hanging from it. It takes a moment, but Capable recognizes it and feels the bile rising to her throat again.
"Someone had already buried Angharad," Max mutters, still fingering the cuff. "But he was...he fell out of the rig. I buried him with the wheel, because, you know...I thought he'd like that. But this I took off him." He licks his lips. "No one should be buried in chains." He holds it out to her—a memento, poor as it is, for her to remember Nux.
But she will never forget Nux. That's her whole problem. She can't forget him, no matter how hard she tries. She reaches for the cuff and instead finds her hand gripping Max's sleeve as she loses her footing. "Capable?" she hears someone call before everything turns black.
.
She wakes up in a bed that isn't hers. It takes her a moment to realize that she's in the infirmary with a flimsy curtain partition around her bed. Someone must have taken her here after she fainted. She eases herself into a sitting position and hears movement; looking to her left, she sees Max starting up from a chair at her bedside, a worried look on his face. "How are you feeling?" he asks at once.
Somehow, she feels better and worse than she did all day. "I'm all right," she says. "How long have I been here?"
"All night. It's eight in the morning."
Longer than she thought. She sees a water pitcher on the bedside table and reaches for it, but Max pours for her, handing her the clay cup.
"I'm sorry," he says, and he looks so pained that Capable feels guilty for fainting on him. "I thought it might be hard on you, I just...didn't realize how bad..."
She shakes her head. "I was feeling sick all day yesterday," she assures him. "To be honest, I can't believe I didn't pass out sooner. It's fine, Max, really." He still doesn't look convinced, so she sets down the cup. "Do you still have it?"
He does; he pulls it out of a pocket and carefully holds it out to her. Bile threatens to rise in her throat again but she swallows it down, more for Max's sake than her own. She takes the cuff and holds it in her lap, staring down at the black metal. For the briefest, chilliest moment, she can feel Nux beside her. But the moment passes and instead of Nux there is only a hollow ache in her chest. "Thank you," she manages to choke out.
"Don't pass out on me again," Max tries to joke, and he's so bad at it but Capable is pretty sure this is the first joke she's ever heard him make and she can't help laughing. A rogue tear rolls down her cheek and she wipes it away.
Harper, one of the two remaining Vuvalini and the only doctor in the Citadel now that the Organic Mechanic is gone, pokes her head through the partition. "Max, might I have a moment alone with our girl?"
Max nods and gets to his feet. "Take care," he mumbles and then lumbers out of the flimsy excuse for a room. Harper takes his seat.
"How are you feeling?"
Capable shrugs. "Tired, mostly. Still have a headache from yesterday."
Harper has a curious look on her face that Capable can't quite place. "Been feeling sick lately?"
Capable considers. "Not really. I'm tired most of the time, but who isn't these days?"
Harper nods, looking preoccupied. "And...how long has it been since you had your period?"
Period. It's an archaic term, one Capable hasn't heard since she was a child, but she still knows the meaning. "I...it was before we escaped, two..." Her throat goes dry. "Two months ago."
Harper reaches out a brown, weathered hand and rests it on Capable's. "It must have happened right before you left," she says softly. "Or-" But she stops herself.
"Or?" Capable repeats, bewildered. "What 'or'?"
Harper gives her a searching look and then smiles, patting her hand. "It's nothing."
Capable thinks for a long moment. Pregnant. She doesn't want a baby—not this one, anyway. For two months she's been unlearning everything Immortan Joe nailed into her head, removing every trace of his existence. To have his spawn inside her, growing and becoming a person that is half Immortan...it makes Capable feel sick all over again.
"Can't I do anything about it?" she asks quietly.
Harper gives her another searching look. "Get rid of it, you mean?" She shakes her head. "Not a lot of options on that front, m'dear."
"Why not?" Capable demands. "Why can't I do it?"
Harper pauses to choose her words carefully. "The easiest and safest way is to take some herbs," she says. "But there's a few reasons that won't work, and the biggest one is that we don't have any on hand."
"What about...an operation? You were a doctor before the fall, weren't you?" Capable asks desperately.
Harper heaves a sigh. "Well, yes. But it's not as cut and dry as all that, m'dear. I was a general doctor; if my patients wanted abortions, I'd have to refer them to another doctor who specialized in pregnancy, and then they'd have to find a surgeon to perform the abortion. Do you understand?"
"Sort of," Capable says, deflating, because even if she doesn't understand all of the terminology, she understands that this is a lead-up to a no.
"I don't have the knowledge or training to perform that procedure," Harper tells her gently. "The closest thing would be an abdominal surgery, but I hadn't been in the operating room for years even before the fall, and it's too great a risk."
"But-"
"I will not put you in danger," Harper says in a voice so firm that Capable actually recoils. "I know you're scared, and that man did horrible things to you and I know you can't bear the idea of his child inside you, and I'm sorry for that, I really am. But I put everything, including my own life and the lives of my clan, to keep you girls safe, and I will not throw that away now. Do you understand?"
Capable can only manage a nod.
Harper gets up and puts a hand on her knee. "I know it seems hopeless right now," she says in a gentler tone. "But it will get better. I promise it will."
Capable wants to laugh in her face, but she doesn't think she has energy. "I'm going back to my real bed," she says, sliding off the bed. She doesn't wait, just walks out of the infirmary and down the labyrinthine corridors until she's at her own room. The other girls are gone, which is a relief to Capable; she strips down to her underwear and climbs into her bed. She holds Nux's cuff in one hand and presses the other against her belly. It's still flat, and it looks and feels completely normal. She turns over on her side and breathes. For the first time in almost two months, she doesn't stop herself from thinking about another pregnant woman she once knew.
Angharad hadn't wanted her baby, either.
"I'd always hoped Joe would die before I could get pregnant," she'd said in the early days of her pregnancy. "Or I'd be infertile and he'd just kill me like he did with the others. But now...now his child is inside me. He's never letting me go. If my baby is a boy, he'll be taken from me and raised to be a warlord. And if it's a girl...she'll be a thing, just like us."
Capable's baby isn't going to be a warlord or a thing—of that she is certain. But that doesn't make her any happier about having it.