Title: Weekend at McKay's
Author: Ellex
E-mail: Everyone
Category: Humor
Archive: Wraithbait, anyone who wants it, let me know.
Feedback: Yah sure you betcha.
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate:Atlantis. I would have thought that was obvious by now. And make profit from this? You gotta be kidding me.
Spoilers: None
Summary: When Elizabeth goes away for a few days, things get out of control back on Atlantis.
A/N: Written for the 'parents gone for the weekend' challenge at SGAHC.
Elizabeth came through the Stargate to find the GateRoom in total chaos.
Kavanagh and Sheppard were standing at the top of the steps screaming at each other like a couple of parents at a PTA meeting. Rodney sat at the bottom of the steps, holding a bloodstained handkerchief to his nose, which was streaming blood. Zelenka hovered over him, hands on hips, talking rapidly and fiercely in a mix of Czech and English and being completely ignored by the Canadian. Beckett wandered by, slung an affectionate arm around Elizabeth and kissed her soundly, giving her an unwelcome taste of whatever he'd been drinking – which was apparently several hundred proof.
Grodin could be seen on the balcony, exhorting the others to 'shut the hell up before I come down there and shut you up'. Miko Kusanagi ran in screeching in Japanese, shoved past Elizabeth without apologizing or even acknowledging her, and threw herself at Rodney. The impact knocked him back and he smacked his head on the steps behind him, then slid down onto the floor, clearly unconscious. Radek pulled Miko off him and commenced to lecturing her, but she pushed him aside and ran up the steps to fling herself on Kavanagh. The collision had little effect on the bespectacled scientist, and Elizabeth watched with numb fascination as Miko reached up and grabbed his pony-tail, dragging his head down to her level so she could repeatedly slap him. Sheppard left her to it, and spotting Rodney being tended by Zelenka at the bottom of the steps, rushed down only to slip on a large patch of something slimy and glistening and bounce the rest of the way down. When he landed he lay there gasping and moaning, clutching at his elbow. Zelenka left off trying to wake McKay and started yelling at Sheppard, now completely in Czech.
She spotted Bates coming in through one of the ground floor doors and sighed with relief, certain the security chief would straighten things out, but he ignored the chaos around them and knelt in front of Elizabeth. When he drunkenly declared his undying love for her, she had to close her eyes and put her head in her hands.
Some time later, everything was back to normal – or as normal as it ever got on Atlantis – and her section chiefs were all in the conference room, groggy but sober. Rodney held an icepack to his head, and it looked like he was going to have a nice pair of raccoon eyes to go with his swollen nose. John was holding another icepack on his elbow while squinting against the lights, Bates looked like he wanted to disappear, and Beckett was blushing red as a beet.
"I went away for two days to negotiate a treaty. Two days, gentlemen. Would anyone like to tell me what happened?"
They all started talking at once, and she held up her hands. They shut up immediately.
"Major Sheppard? I believe I left you in charge?"
The story which followed was almost surreal in its string of odd coincidences and unexplained phenomena, but what it boiled down to was that somehow the settings on the desalinization tanks had been changed – whether by accident or deliberately was still unclear – and the water everyone had been drinking had properties similar to alcohol. Extremely potent alcohol. Everyone was fuzzy on just what had happened after they got drunk, but it seemed that Kavanagh had decided to go fishing off one of the piers and had caught some kind of jellyfish. Why he'd brought it to the GateRoom no one – including Kavanagh – knew, but it had burst all over the steps. While Kavanagh was looking for something to clean it up with, Rodney had slipped on it going up the steps and broken his nose. Everything had gone downhill from there.
Finally she dismissed them all wearily, feeling like she'd been talking to bunch of five-year-olds. Rodney stayed while the others shuffled out.
"Rodney? Are you okay?"
"Yah," he replied, sounding like he had the mother of all head colds. "Bud I thing id was my fauld."
Elizabeth stared. "You're the only one who wasn't doing anything, Rodney. You're the only one who wasn't…" the pieces suddenly fell into place, "drunk."
"Yah, I know. An' id's compledely unfair thad my head hurts jus' as much as if I had been." He sighed noisily. "I should've known bedder than to tinker wif something thad was already working, but I found whad I thoughd were instructions for flavoring the drinking wadder. I was trying to warn everyone nod to dring the wadder – far too lade, obviously – when I slipped on the resulds of Kavanagh's fishing expedition. Led me tell you, 'Lizabed, dat stuff worked fast. The wadder hadn't been changed for more dan a few hours."
She closed her eyes and massaged her temples. "I don't suppose you thought to bottle any of it?"
A long pause ensued before she heard a cautious, "Yah."
"Give me all of it – every single drop – and I'll forget this conversation ever took place."
Another pause, then, "Okay."
She heard him leave, and contemplated going to her office to start on the mess she'd glimpsed through the transparent walls, but couldn't make herself move. Before long, Rodney came back lugging several canteens he'd filched from who knew where.
She opened one and took a swig. It tasted kind of like lilacs smelled, with just the faintest hint of an alcoholic burn at the back of her throat. She took a longer drink, and gasped, "Oh, that's good. That's really…good." Elizabeth looked up at Rodney, who was gazing at the canteen with longing. "Nope. You don't get any, Rodney. It's mine. And now," she hiccupped lightly, "I'm taking it to my quarters and I don't wanna be disturbed until tomorrow morning, you unnerstan'? Huh? Do ya?" She lurched to her feet, gathered up the canteens, and wove unsteadily out of the conference room, leaving McKay feeling forlorn and distressingly sober behind her. As soon as she was out of sight, he pulled a flask from his pocket and took a swig.
Sheppard walked in a few minutes later. "You gave her the canteens?"
"Yup."
"She doesn't know about the kegs?"
"Nope."
"You want to go fishing, see if we can catch any of those jellyfish?"
Rodney considered it. "If we catch any, cad we throw 'em ad Kavanagh?"
End