False Alarm
"No, thanks, we don't want any girl scout cookies," said the Joker, as he opened the front door to Poison Ivy. "I already did a gag where I poisoned a batch and had Harley send them round to a few innocent people. They died laughing, but that will teach them to take sweets from strangers."
"Harley just happened to have a girl scout uniform lying around?" asked Ivy, entering the house. "That's kinda sick, y'know, J, even for you."
"Well, what can I say? Clowns just love kiddies. Or is that the other way around?" he said, grinning. "Guess it doesn't really matter. Why have you decided to inflict your presence on me yet again, Pammie? If I didn't know better, I'd say someone had a little crush on me. I hope Harley doesn't have cause for concern."
"In your dreams," she retorted. "Harley invited me. Said she had something she wanted to talk to me about."
"Oh, good, maybe you can figure out what's wrong with her, then," he retorted as they walked into the living room and sat down on opposite sides of it.
"Something's wrong with her?" asked Ivy, immediately concerned.
He nodded. "Just wait until you see her. It came on really suddenly, and it's only gotten worse. And there's nothing I can do about it. She won't tell me what's wrong, but I'm going to go crazy if I have to put up with it for much longer."
Ivy stared at him. "J, you mean she's seriously sick?"
"I didn't say she was sick," he retorted. "Just that there was something wrong with her. You'll see what I mean."
"J, what…" began Ivy, but at that moment she heard a strange wailing noise coming closer to them. The door opened and she realized that the strange wailing was Harley singing.
"Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face; brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face! Take off the gloomy mask…Red!" she exclaimed, suddenly noticing Ivy and beaming. "I'm so glad you came! Aw, it's just so great to see my bestest buddy again!" She threw her arms around Ivy's neck and hugged her tightly. "Have I ever told you that I love you, Red? I mean that, I really do love you. And I also love my beautiful, gorgeous, handsome puddin'!" she exclaimed, breaking away from Ivy and bounding over to Joker, embracing him and covering him with kisses. "He's just the greatest guy in the whole entire world! The whole, entire, beautiful world! My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, that's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody! Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way, when you're in love to stay!"
Ivy stared at her, then shared a look with Joker, who was vainly attempting to avoid Harley's continuous kisses. He was saved by a sudden beeping from the other room. "Laundry's done!" exclaimed Harley, still beaming. "Back in second! Don't go anywhere, my big, beautiful, strong lover! Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together…"
She bounced out of the room. Ivy stared after her. "What have you done to her, J?" she murmured.
"Nothing," he retorted. "Nothing out of the ordinary. A few stray punches, a couple random beatings, that kinda thing. But suddenly I'm sharing a house with Julie Andrews. You wanna try talking to her? Assuming you can get a word in edgeways, of course. I certainly haven't been able to."
Ivy nodded and followed Harley down into the basement. She was singing while folding laundry on the couch, skipping from the washing machine to the sofa and doing little twirls.
"Harley? You ok?" asked Ivy, gently.
She looked up, beaming. "I'm just super, Red, just as super as Superman! No, even more super than that! Why shouldn't I be? I've just got the best life in this whole, entire, beautiful world! I'm just the luckiest girl, Red, the luckiest, happiest girl on this whole magical, special earth! You're here, and you're the greatest friend a gal could ask for, and I'm here with my precious, precious puddin'!" she breathed, seizing one of his shirts from the laundry and kissing it. "Aw, Red, everything's just so wonderful! And I think to myself, what a wonderful world…"
"I'm…glad, Harley," said Ivy, slowly. "You just seem a little more…cheerful and affectionate than usual. Which is saying something, by the way. I was just wondering if anything out of the ordinary had happened. You said you wanted to talk to me, remember?"
She beamed. "And you are such a fantastic friend for coming right over!" she exclaimed, hugging her tightly. "I must have done something good somewhere along the line to have you in my life! You mean so much to me, Red, I hope you know that."
"Um…thanks, Harley, I feel the same about you," replied Ivy, patting her back. Normally she would have loved a hug from her best friend, but this Harley was kinda creeping her out. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"
Harley giggled, then pulled her down to sit next to her on the sofa. She was beaming. "Red, can I ask you something?" she said, taking her hand.
"Sure, Harley, anything, you know that," replied Ivy, truthfully.
"You had your period this month?"
Whatever Ivy had been expecting, it hadn't been that. "Uh…yeah."
"Oh. That's good. But y'see, the thing is, Red…" She looked absolutely ecstatic, crazily so. "I haven't!"
Ivy stared at her, slowly processing the information. "Harley, are you trying to tell me that you're…pregnant?"
"Rightaroonie!" she cried, throwing her arms around her neck and squeezing her tightly. "Well, at least, I think so! The tests haven't been conclusive, but I just feel all bouncy and joyful, and I think I must be glowing! That's evidence enough, right, Red?"
Ivy still stared at her, unable to fully process what she meant. "Have you told J?" she asked.
Harley shook her head. "Don't wanna get his hopes up until it's confirmed. But he's just gonna be over the moon, Red! He'll be such a good Daddy – he's just great with kids! They always trust him, right up until the moment when he stabs them in the face! He wouldn't stab our little J. J., of course, he'll be special. J. J. if it's a boy, Joker Junior, but we'll call him J. J., and if it's a girl, I've got my heart set on Arlene. It just really speaks to me, that name. What do you think it'll be, Red? Boy or girl?"
"Harley…I don't think you should get your hopes up until it's been confirmed either," said Ivy, gently. "Missing a period doesn't really mean anything, and if the tests are inconclusive, it means you shouldn't jump to any conclusions."
Harley gaped at her. "But I'm glowing, Red!" she exclaimed. "They say mothers-to-be glow, don't they? Mothers-to-be," she murmured. "Mother. I'm going to be a mother. I'm going to be a mommy! Oh God, Red, I never thought I could be so happy!"
And she burst into tears. "See, I'm all emotional and everything!" she sobbed. "I must be pregnant! I'm gonna have a baby, Red! I'm gonna have Mr. J's baby!"
"Maybe," said Ivy, firmly. "But you should tell J as soon as possible, anyway. I think he might need to prepare himself for the news. Could come as quite a shock."
"I'm sure he'll see it as a wonderful surprise, just like I do!" sighed Harley. "A precious little miracle, a blessed bundle of joy! We're going to be parents, Red!"
Personally, Ivy couldn't think of anything more disturbing than Joker and Harley as parents, but of course she would never admit this to her friend. She just nodded and repeated. "Maybe. Don't get too excited yet, Harl. And whatever you do, don't start picking out wallpaper for the nursery or anything."
"Aw, Red, I wouldn't jump the gun that much!" laughed Harley.
Ivy looked at the load of washing she had just folded. "Are those baby clothes?" she asked, pointing.
"…Yeah, but it's not what you think," said Harley, hiding them under a pile of shirts. "I didn't buy them because of this, I just happened to be passing…erm… Baby Gap and thought they looked cute, so I stole them. Y'know, just in case…in case I…or any of my friends got pregnant anytime soon."
Ivy sighed, shaking her head. "You need to go tell J, Harley. He deserves to know why you're acting like this, especially if he is going to be a father."
"Father," she murmured. "Daddy. He's been my Daddy for so long, and now he's going to be my baby's Daddy too!"
"And there's my disturbing thought for the day," muttered Ivy.
"Come on, Red," said Harley, taking her hand. "I want you to see his face when I tell him the good news! He'll be so happy, you just wait and see!"
"Harley, I don't think…" began Ivy, as she dragged her up the stairs. She really didn't want to be here for this. It was none of her business, and she didn't want it to be her business. She didn't want to have anything to do with the insanity of Joker and Harley as parents. She felt sorry for the poor kid, though. Really sorry. Assuming Harley was actually pregnant, of course.
"There's my gorgeous, handsome, beautiful puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, bouncing back into the living room and leaping into Joker's lap, crushing the blueprint he had been studying. She began covering him with kisses.
"Jesus, Harley, what the hell's the matter with you?" he demanded, angrily. "You pregnant or something?"
She stopped kissing him abruptly and looked at him, astonished. "Um…well…actually, yeah, I might be, puddin'," she replied.
He stared at her. "I was being sarcastic," he murmured. "What the hell do you mean, you might be?!"
"I might be," she repeated. "The tests aren't conclusive, but I ain't had my period this month, and I'm glowing. Ain't I glowing, Mr. J?"
He was stunned. "Is this a joke?" he muttered.
She laughed. "No, no joke, puddin'!" she exclaimed, hugging him tightly. "You're going to be a Daddy! Ain't that just the most wonderful news you ever heard?"
Ivy watched his face change from stunned to utterly furious. "How could you let this happen, you stupid girl?!" he shouted. "Don't you take pills to prevent this kinda crap?!"
Harley was shocked. "Well…yeah, puddin', but…I mean, nothing's 100% effective…I thought you'd be happy."
"Why would I be happy about your goddamn mistake?!" he shouted.
"Hey, it takes two to make a baby, you jerk!" she shrieked.
"You two clearly have a lot to discuss, so I think I'll just be going…" began Ivy, heading for the door.
"You stay here, Red!" shouted Harley, rounding on her. "Red's happy that I'm pregnant!"
"Yeah, she don't have to deal with all the crap that goes along with you being pregnant!" he snapped. "You being all sick and hormonal and fat! I don't want you getting fat, Harley!"
She gaped at him. "You don't want me getting fat?!" she shrieked. "I'm pregnant with your baby, you selfish creep!"
"Well, I certainly didn't ask you to be!" he shouted. "This is your fault, Harley, all your fault, and you need to fix it right now!"
"What do you expect me to do?!" she shouted. "I ain't getting rid of my baby, Mr. J! It's a miracle, a precious miracle, and you're gonna be happy about it, dammit!"
"Do I look happy about it, Harley?!" he shouted.
"Red, tell him he should be happy!" shouted Harley, turning back to Ivy. "Tell him he should be over the goddamn moon! It's wonderful news, you bastard, and you're going to act like it's wonderful news, you hear me?!"
"Just leave me out of this, ok, Harley?" said Ivy. "It's really none of my business. It's something that's happened between the two of you, and the two of you need to settle it."
"We are settling it," growled Joker, seizing her hand. "We're going to the clinc right now, Harley."
"I ain't going to no clinc!" shrieked Harley, ripping her hand away. "How can you be so heartless, wanting to destroy something we created together?! It's a blessing, Mr. J, a magical blessing, and I ain't getting rid of it!"
"You're going to do what I tell you, you dumb broad!" he shouted. "You can do it relatively painlessly at the clinc, or I can beat it out of you, but we're stopping this nonsense right now!"
She stared at him. "That ain't funny, Mr. J," she whispered, tears shooting into her eyes. "You wouldn't hit me when I'm pregnant with your baby, would you?"
"You think I wouldn't?!" he shouted. "Go on, Harley, refuse to come to the clinc again, and we'll see what I would and wouldn't do!"
"Don't you dare hit her, J," hissed Ivy. "I'll kill you if you touch her, do you understand me?"
Harley was staring at him, tears trickling down her face. "I don't understand why you don't want Joker Junior, Mr. J," she whispered. "I always thought we'd start a family someday, and that you'd be really happy about it. I can't tell you how much it hurts me to see you react like this, how much it breaks my heart to think you want to kill our baby. I get you wanting to kill other people, but our baby, something that's precious to us, that we created…I don't understand, Mr. J. I just want to know why you're so angry and upset about this…this wonderful blessing that's been given to us. You tell me why, and I'll come to the clinc."
He glared at her. "I don't want a baby, Harley," he snapped.
"Why?" she repeated.
"Why?! Because I'm a busy man! I have a busy life, responsibilities, obligations, commitments! I don't have the time or the inclination to put my life on hold for some accident you created! I'm the Joker! I'm the most dangerous supervillain in the world, the Bat's nemesis, and I ain't got time to take care of a baby!"
"This is about the Bat, isn't it?" murmured Harley, quietly. "You couldn't stay out all night with him if you had a family who depended on you, and a kid waiting at home for you. This is about you preferring to devote your time and energy to a caped freak in a mask over your own family. Well, maybe it's time for you to grow up, Mr. J."
He stared at her. "What did you say?" he murmured.
"I said maybe it's time for you to grow up!" she shouted. "Yeah, you do have responsibilities, Mr. J! You've got a responsibility to me to help me with this baby we created together! You've got a responsibility now to be a good father, a loving dad to your kid, rather than playing stupid games with another child stuck in a grown-up's body! 'Cause that's what you both are – kids who never grew up, playing kids games night after night! Yeah, they might be on a larger scale, and people might actually get hurt and die, but they're still stupid, childish games! You've finally got the opportunity to enjoy the most precious thing in life, the birth of a child, a whole new life that you help to nuture and guide, and you want me to give it up for your stupid, silly, meaningless games with Batman? Well, I ain't doing that, Mr. J. I'm sorry. I ain't killing it. And I believe that somewhere, deep down, you don't really want me to kill it. I believe you want to have this responsibility, that you want to live up to your obligations and be a good daddy. But I might be wrong. And if I am, I'll leave you to raise this kid on my own, because I wouldn't want you raising my baby anyway. I wouldn't want a selfish, silly kid raising my kid."
Ivy was waiting, every muscle tense, for Joker to react. She knew he was going to beat her, beat her really badly for saying anything like that, and she was waiting to intercept him.
But he didn't react. He didn't do anything but stare at her, stunned. Then he suddenly raised his fist. Ivy started forward, but Harley didn't flinch, just stared back at him. He brought his fist down, stopping it inches from her face. "Don't," he hissed, enunciating every word. "Don't…you…dare…EVER speak to me like that again, you stupid bitch! I oughta beat you into a bloody pulp!"
"Then you do that, Mr. J," she murmured. "You wanna kill your baby, you do it yourself. That's only right, isn't it, puddin'?"
She took his fist and lay it gently against her stomach. "That's your daddy, J. J.," she whispered. "And you'd better get used to his fist. You'll be feeling it a lot, if he treats you like he treats Mommy. If we're fighting like this now, it'll only get worse when you arrive. So maybe it's best you don't arrive. We'll let Daddy decide."
Ivy was incredibly tense – she had no idea what she would do if Joker decided to punch her. She couldn't just stand by and let it happen, but she didn't know if she could rightly interfere either.
Joker didn't do anything, just kept his fist against her stomach for what seemed like ages. "What if it's a girl?" he growled. "We can't call her J. J."
"I've always liked the name Arlene," replied Harley. "What do you think, puddin'?"
"I think," he said, quietly. "I think…"
And he burst suddenly into laughter, crazy, maniacal, happy laughter. "I think I couldn't have planned a better gag!" he chuckled. "Joker and son? Joker and daughter? Either way, it'll give Batsy the surprise of his life! I can just imagine the look on his face! The Boy Blunder can finally pick on someone his own size! And Batsy wouldn't dare beat up a kid! He couldn't possibly counter that, except with a little Bat brat of his own! Oh, it'll be hilarious! We can have a whole Joker brood! Maybe four or five more after this one! A little gang of little criminals all of our very own! Oh, baby, you're the greatest!" he exclaimed, picking Harley up and spinning her around. He suddenly put her down carefully. "Sorry, sweets, you'll need to take it easy and look after little J. J. Kid needs the best start in life he can get, only the best for our precious little angel," he said, patting her stomach gently.
Ivy had been stunned almost every moment since entering their house. But she was never more stunned than now. Harley too looked at him in astonishment, but that quickly turned to joy. "Oh, Mr. J!" she cried, leaping into his arms and kissing him. "Oh, puddin', we're going to have a baby! Oh, I love you, puddin'! I love you so much!"
He kissed her tenderly. "See, Red, I told you he'd be over the moon!" exclaimed Harley, turning to Ivy and beaming. "Do I know my puddin' or what?"
"Yeah…that's…great, Harley," stammered Ivy. "And I hate to ruin the atmosphere, but I feel I should remind you both that we're not even sure Harley is pregnant…"
"Well, let's go make sure," said Joker, taking her hand and heading for the door. "We'll get a test done at the hospital right now. Coming, Pammie?"
"No, thanks, I think I'll just go home," said Ivy. "But call me with the results, will you, Harley?"
"Course I will, Red!" said Harley, hugging her tightly. "Keep your fingers crossed!"
Ivy watched in astonishment as Joker opened the car door for her and helped her inside. If Harley really was pregnant, Ivy supposed she would have to get used to J acting like a gentleman, creepy as it was. But he really seemed to be excited about it. Ivy didn't understand the way his mind worked – no one did – but she could only assume this fatherhood thing was somehow all a joke to him, and he was putting all his heart and soul into that joke, as all great comedians did. She could only hope that joke lasted, for the kid's sake, and for Harley's. But Ivy couldn't honestly say what she wanted the results of the test to be. She sighed, and headed for home. Guess she would just have to wait and see.