Hello all! More TMNT brotherly goodness to be shared with you all! This was an older idea I've hand floating around for a while, and since I haven't posted any Leo/Raph brotherly-ness in awhile, I figured, why not.
With that, please enjoy! I own nothing. All characters go to their respective owners.
Psychological Counterpoint
Ya know somethin'... I never asked my brotha Leo what kind of music he listens to. Neva really cared much about his interests- if he had any. I mean, its LEO of all people, fuckin' Masta Splinta Junior! Has to be so damn perfect, must be the best, must be the bossy, stick in the mud one!
So yeah, neva really cared for what he liked. Including music. Nothin'. He just wasn't interesting to me. I wasn't expectin' anything intrestin' to come of him except train, eat and sleep.
See, that all changed one random night. That night, we all just came back from patrol. Well, almost.
Leo asked us to go on ahead, that he'll be home a little later. Now here's where ya really gotta think about it. Leonardo Hamato. Mr. Masta Splinta Junior. My older, must be bossy, boring brother. Asking us to head home without his bossy attitude.
I was HIGHLY suspicious. I wanted to know what he was up to that we couldn't see him do it. Besides, I don't normally listen to Leo any other night.
As Mikey and Donnie headed home, I told them I'll be over at Casey's house. They fell for it and said the usual- ya know, hurry back before Leo gives you another lecture, blah blah blah. I agreed and as soon as they were out of eye and ear range, I followed Leo.
He was walking- yes, even I was shocked- and he seemed to look... relaxed. I stayed close to the shadows and watched his every movement.
Neva once did he pull out his katanas, neva once did he do some showoff move. He just walked from rooftop to rooftop, every so often stopping to look at the evening sky. I thought he was bein' weird and I was soon gettin' bored watchin' him do nothin' but walk and stop!
About... what, maybe a half hour later or something like that, he stops at this real creepy looking place. Its as small as a store, if anything, and it looks like its ready to collapse.
He kneels down, and I lean forward to see what he's doin'. He pulls somethin' out and shoves it in his shell before I have a chance to get a real good look at it. I then watch him walk back the way he came.
Halfway back, he pulls the thing out- which I gasp at.
It's an MP3 player. Complete with blue headphones.
I remember bein' shocked that this person... this always serious, always boring, wanna be perfect person... was listening to music and taking a walk like he needed to think...
... like he was thinking about something serious.
So of course, seeing what I had needed to see, I decided to ask questions- the good ol' fashioned Raph way.
I startled the living hell outta him, too, and the expression on his face when he realized I knew I guess what he thought was his 'little secret' was priceless!
"R-Raphael?! What are you doing out here?!"
"Could ask you the same thing. Ya came out here because of that thing?" I reply, pointing at his MP3. Leo shrugs and looked like a kid whose hand got caught in the cookie jar.
"Well? Ya gonna talk or what?" Leo stands there for a moment longer before he shakes his head no and pushes past me. I can't tell if he's angry or what but I know I am. He just ignored me!
"Leo! Come back here!"
"For what? Can't you listen to me for once in your life and just go home?"
"No! You still haven't answered my question yet, dammit! Get back here!"
So Leo starts running and now I'm annoyed because I have to run after this fucker to catch him and make him answer me... damn jerk.
He picks up speed and I pick up more anger because this is shit! Why am I running after this fool?! ARGH!
Soon, we're running after one another from rooftop to rooftop, him dodging and me... well, obviously, I'm just angry. I was honestly ready to chuck a sai at him and call it a day.
We soon reach this one roof that splits into two directions, and Leo darts to the left. It's then I get an idea.
I slow down my running and once again, blend in with the shadows and take the other path. Leo, shockingly enough, come around the bend, and rests against the door there, catching his breath. I'm so quiet as I close in on him, its not even funny.
As soon as he's relaxed, his eyes close and for a few seconds, I hear his steady breathing. I smirk and the next thing he knows, I'm in his face, pinning him against the wall.
"Gotcha, Leo."
He just stares at me, shocked. Yeah, I can be stealthy and crafty when I feel like it too, bro.
After a few minutes, he starts shifting, trying to get away from me. I know he won't be able to- I'm far stronger and bigger than him, so he can't get past me when I have him pinned like this. I win for once, Leo.
"What do you want, Raph..." he finally gives in. Satisfied, I lean closer to him, being sure to keep both his hands pinned. He feels like a damn doll in my hands, and I realize he's actually TIRED... wow, that's new.
He's always up trainin', so I thought he didn't know what sleep meant. Maybe his body knows, but his empty head sure as hell doesn't!
"Why the hell were you runnin' from me. And what's up with the whole MP3 secret stash thing." I asked him again, angry as hell.
Leo doesn't answer me. He just looks off at the concrete, at the random space next to him, ANYWHERE but my face and of course, ignoring me. I get annoyed because he STILL refuses to answer me!
"Damn, Leo!" I curse, and toss him to the side. He lands pretty hard on the ground, but he pulls himself up.
"Now what, Raph?! What did I do that made you hate me this time!" Leo finally snapped at me. I turn on him and I punch him square in the face. He falls a lot harder this time, and struggles to get back up. I feel... achieved right now. I actually took the 'Fearless Leader' down with one hit!
"What's the problem, ya can't fight all of the sudden?! Any other day you would TRY and hit me back, you wuss!" I sneer at him, ignoring the fact he has to rely on the wall to stand.
"What?! For crying out loud, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" he screams at the top of his lungs, lunging at me with all he's got. He connects a kick to my side, and I fall, the air knocked right out of me. Damn, that hurt.
"Why you little... I'm gonna kill you!" I charge at him, pulling out my sai.
"Well, it's pretty obvious ANYTHING I do, you have a problem with! I can't even listen to my own music without you finding it a problem?!" Leo goes on, standing up. He huffs.
"What did I do that you despise me that much, Raph..."
I feel kinda hurt he says somethin' like that. I mean, I don't pay attention to him, but... I don't hate him, I just wanted to know why he was actin' so weird!
"To answer your question, I like taking walks this way. I keep the MP3 as a little reward for myself. If I need to be alone or I wanna think, I usually come out here and listen to some music to help me relax."
He turns on me and he wants to say something else, but decided not to and picks up the MP3. "I can't have something that's mine. I want some time away from life, too, Raph. Especially you."
"Me?!"
"Yes, you!"
"Why the hell do you want to be away from me?!"
"Because I'm tired of dealing with a guy who hates my guts every waking moment of the day! I'm tired of the insults, I'm tired of the side comments, I'm tired of it!"
He slumps on the ground, looking up at the sky. "I've been trying to figure out for years what I've done to you that I can't get respect from you. You have to fight me on everything, insult me when I want to better myself for us all... I get tired of it. So I come out here to walk. I need to have fresh air, too."
I have nothin' to say right now. I neva knew he felt like that...
"I... I don't hate you, Leo... I just wanted to know-"
"Well, now you do. Go ahead and laugh at me if you want. I don't care anymore." he says, obviously tired and somewhat annoyed. And I guess hurt too, I think.
I just stand there, my mouth slightly open. Am I really that... bad?
"Leo, I don't hate you. I don't hate you!" Damn, now I'm gettin' frustrated. That's great. I swear he planned this, but judging from his crouched position on the ground, I don't think he would.
I stand next to him. "I guess, I hate the fact you always have to be so damn perfect. No matter what I do, I can't fuckin' catch up to you! You always get praise, always the perfect little student... look, I got tired of it, too."
Leo sighs. "When are you going to get it, Raph? I'm not the fearless leader I pretend to be! I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect..."
"Bull shit."
He looked at me. "Huh?"
That look... I don't think I remember the last time I saw him so... child-like. Right now he looks like Mikey does when he tries to worm his way from a beatdown. I can accept it from my baby bro, but NOT from Leo. It ain't right!
I cross my arms; now I gotta be all sappy... dammit, man... but this ain't the Leo I know right now. I dunno who the fuck this is but its not my damn brother!
"Leo, I don't hate you. I just... I hate how ya gotta act all fearless and perfect, and make the rest of us look like punks!" I snap. Leo looks away from me and says something under his breath I don't catch.
"What?"
"I said, I don't want to act like that. I'm not trying to make you guys look like anything. But... I have to train more than you guys. I have to or who's going to keep you safe..."
He still doesn't get it. My legs are kinda tired so I plop down next to him and make him face me. "Leo. Listen. You remember these?"
I pull off my left wraps and Leo goes quiet. On my arm are dozens of marks. I've never been one to open up to others, and even today I still hate lookin' at them. But I didn't do this to myself. I did it saving my baby bros.
Flicking my eyes upwards to him, I see his face pull into one of pain and I know he remembers these. Good.
"You remember, dotcha. You remember those damn Foot almost chopping Mikey and Donnie's head clean off? I didn't CARE about myself, but I refuse to let them get killed. I refused."
Leo still isn't trying to say anything but I already know exactly what this fool is thinkin' about. "It wasn't ya fault, either. And this is what I mean. Back when we were kids, you always tried to make us look like we have to rely on only you. That wasn't true then, it wasn't true when this happened, and it's not true now. Leo, we'll always need you. But... ya gotta stop being' over protective and let us live too. We're gonna get ourselves hurt, we're gonna fall, but you're here to pick us up and let us try again. We're older now, and while we act stupid, and we fight, we know we always got each other's shell."
He nods once and runs his arm across his face. "You too. Shit, I ain't never knew you actually heard of music. You went to all this just for a damn music playa. You are 15, not 55. Ya not an old man, so stop actin' like ya are. Live, Leo. Live just because."
"But what if-"
"ARGH! Dammit, Leo! Stop fuckin' sayin' 'what if'! What if I grew two heads and went on a damn rampage?! What if Mikey actually used that head of his to think?! What if, what if, I don't fuckin' know what if! We DON'T know what'll happen in the future, but we're not lettin' that slow us down! Fuck, Leo! Just live and stop being such an ass kisser!" I snap unintentionally.
Leo's shoulders start trembling, and he flings himself into my chest, sobbing. I was caught off guard but little by little, I let my arms rest on his shell and the back of his head, pulling him closer. I don't say a word. I think he needed to hear that. I kinda did myself and it was out of my mouth that it came from.
When he finally looks up, except for the red, puffy eyes, he starts lookin' like the Leo I know again. I smile at him. "I don't hate you, bro. Ya the only big bro I got." I pat him on the shell and we sit back in quiet for a minute, until I ask Leo something.
"Why do you keep your MP3 out here? Why not in your room?" Leo shrugs, curled up tight.
"I needed some time to think for awhile. I left it here the last time I came out for a run and it just... sort of became my routine, I guess." he explains, fiddling with his knee pad.
I lament on that for a split minute before I ask him what's really on my mind.
"Leo. Honestly. Do you really think I hate you?"
His head lowers and he's utterly quiet for a moment. Then he talks.
"I can't tell you. I want to believe you don't, but... you go too far with things you say and do. It's hard for me to be sure with you because I don't know what I'll do next that might piss you off and have you screaming and cursing at me." he says softly. He's been thinkin' on this for a while now... and apparently so have I.
"I don't want you to hate me, Raph. I just want your acceptance."
I grunt irritably. He just doesn't fuckin' get it! I don't hate him, I just get frustrated! But maybe I'm not being very clear about it...
"I don't mean to hurt you, Leo. I just... I get angry! I mean, Masta Splinter practically has you on this damn golden pedestal and we have to be just like you or we're not good enough! It seriously ticks me off!"
He draws his legs in and rests his head on his knees. "That's what you guys don't understand! I never asked him to do that. I never asked to be leader of you guys! I just wanted to be like you guys. You're able to live freely and I... can't." he says. His voice sounds like he's on the verge of crying yet again.
"Why not?"
He scoffs at me. "You would never take me seriously. Just like tonight. I listen to music too, Raph. I have times when I need to be alone and I want to lash out but I end up getting in trouble because I'm supposed to be the damn leader and I have to be perfect with EVERYTHING! Who the hell would understand me?!"
I never heard Leo sound like that before, and now that I have... I never wanna hear it again.
I let him calm down for a moment. "To be honest..." he says as his eyes start to close. "... I wish I could be more like you."
Now that, that caught me off guard. "You say what now? Why me?"
He peeks at me from one eye and I see that true Leo smile faintly appearing once again. "You've always been opinionated, and even when you know your anger can get ugly, you've never let that slow you down. You want to be the best just to be the best and you don't care who stands in your way. And yet... you can still keep our brothers and father and friends safe..."
He sighs in thought. "You allow yourself to make mistakes because you know you'll get better. You know when to be serious and sometimes, you being that tough and rude is what we all need. Especially Mikey. He's closest to you because you two can relate. I'm... kinda jealous of that."
I scoot closer to Leo and he allows me to rest my head on his shoulder. "You, jealous? I never thought the day would come." I say sarcastically. To my relief, Leo laughs a little.
"I'm not all that great myself, Fearless." I explained quietly. "My anger seriously gets too far outta control. I've damn near beaten Mikey to death with a pipe over some wrestling, and I almost betrayed you- my own family- over a nutcase turtle that used to be my pet. I've almost murdered you in cold blood on that rooftop just because I was too scared to admit I wanted you home that year..." I list off, my voice trailing off more and more as I talk.
I feel Leo's shudder, and I know why, too... that rooftop battle didn't just scar him that night. I'll never forget all that I've done.
"Sometimes, I scare you all. I scare myself. I'm not the great turtle you think I am. I'm just... me. I have anger and attitude that I wish I could control. I want to be perfect like you, but I know I'll never be."
Leo shook his head. "That's just it. You're you, Raph. You only have your strong determination to get you where you want. I'm... I'm just too afraid to find myself."
I sit up and punch Leo playfully in the arm. He looks at me, confused. "W-What was-"
I get in his face, jabbing a finger in his face as I speak. "Shut up and hear me out. Yeah, ya not perfect. You may be a kiss up, but you have flaws and weakness and fears too. You train, you study your Japanese, you stay up and talk sense to my hard headed ass when I get whooped at 3 in the morning because you... you're just like that, Leo." I can't explain what's in my head right now. It's harder than I thought.
"You care about us, and I get you think you can't be who you wanna be around us, but remember. You will always be our big brother You're always gonna be the one that's gonna nag and mother hen us to keep us safe, but continue to be you. You're our big brother first, Leo. Don't forget it."
Leo just sits there, and so do I. Damn, since when was I this sappy? Leo's rubbin' off on me. Dammit...
"Understand somethin' else, Fearless. We can handle ourselves. Let us get hurt. Let us mess up. We know we got you to help us up until the day comes when we can't be together anymore."
Leo nods. "I don't want to think about it..."
"What?"
"Losing my brothers... I keep having nightmares that you guys were gone and I was lost... what if I can't handle-"
I clamped my hand over his mouth and looked away from his eyes. Dammit, I hate it when he gets me like this! "Don't start with that 'what if' shit again. It ain't happenin'. We will drift apart but we'll always find our way. Somehow."
Leo moved my hand and taps me kinda hard on my face. I swear that was a damn sucker punch but I let him get away with it for now. I glare at him and see him smiling in relief for the first time in like... forever.
"Wow, Raph sounding philosophical on life? Never thought I'd see the day." he laughs. I roll my eyes and punch him again for good measure. I'm glad Leo understands. It'll take time, but... he'll be good. We'll be good
"By the way... what were you listening to?" I suddenly ask, remembering the MAIN reason I'm out here is because of his music. Leo pulls his MP3 out and hands me an earbud.
The music I'm hearing sounds like somethin' he'd listen to. Instrumental, jazzy type of joint. Yep, totally Leo.
"April told me to give him a listen. The song is called 'Psychological Counterpoint' , and its by a Japanese artist called Nujabes. I didn't know they made this type of music until I searched around and found some of his work. I have a few more songs by him on this thing but I guess I must've been on this one when you stopped me."
I nod in approval; it's actually kinda catchy. "I like this one. Whatcha said his name was- Nu... ja... best?" I attempt to pronounce. Leo laughs again, much... more Leo-y, I suppose.
"No, Raph, Nujabes." he says, pronouncing that damn name again. "I'll show you some time, if you want. I saved a few of his songs on the computer."
After that, we sit there for a few more hours talking about random shit- training methods, to which I can tell you we completely disagreed on, our fears- I never knew Leo was terrified of heights... and he didn't know I cannot STAND bugs. I will seriously kill Mikey if he plants another one in my room on April Fools!
We talked about music, and I was surprised to know Leo listened to jazz and Japanese stuff. Frankly- and I said this to his face- I didn't think he knew what music was considering all that ever usually came out of his mouth was something with training. He was equally shocked when I told him I do like very select classical pieces, but I mostly prefer anything with a loud, catchy beat.
We talked about our futures, what we wanted to do, and Leo surprised me by saying he wanted to have a family, but wasn't quite sure how human-turtle relationships normally worked. I assured him women were nothin' but trouble and to stay away from them for a long time. He was baffled but I think he got the jist of that.
After that, we just got quiet and started listenin' to whatever song Leo had playing on that MP3 of his. He was tired from being up so late, and I didn't know HOW late until my Shell Cell started ringing.
"...Yelllo..."
"RAPH! LEO! Where the shell are you?! Master Splinter is worrying himself sick! Where's Leo, is he with you?!" Donnie's screamin' so loud he damn near broke my hearing!
"Ouch! Damn, Don, chill! Leo's right here, he fell asleep! Yeah, yeah, we're fine and YES, we're outta sight! Okay, sheesh, we'll be home soon! Alright, see ya." I ended the call and looked down at Leo.
He must've curled on my thigh a few minutes ago, and he didn't move a muscle during that two minute fiasco. He must've been tired. That's weird though- we're all used to seein' Leo up until the break of day but he probably hadn't been sleepin'... as usual...
"Hey, bro. Come on, let's roll. I think we're gonna get in trouble for bein' out so late..." I said as I roused him up. He sits up and yawns before rubbing his eyes.
"H-Huh... o-oh, okay. I kinda miss... miss my bed right now." he mumbles sleepily. I chuckle and help him up to his feet before we start heading back to the Lair we call home.
Long story short, we were allowed to miss training that morning- apparently, our ever so wise father had noticed that we've been arguing more and more, to the point where Mikey and Donnie were afraid to be around us. It was probably driving him crazy too, and if we hadn't had this talk we were both gonna be locked in a room until we worked out our problems.
Damn... we WERE pretty bad now that I think about it. Ah well.
I'm laying in my own hammock right now. Leo's fast asleep in his room. This night turned into something I seriously and honestly hadn't planned on. I didn't quite think me and Leo could have a conversation without wantin' to kill each other. And seeing him like he was... maybe it was a good thing we just happened to talk about a random MP3.
I yawn and turn on my side, and soon sleep takes me over and I'm pulled into dream land.
I don't regret this talk. I know Leo doesn't, either.
END
And complete! Random little one shot, nothing in particular. Just felt like clearing my fanfiction mind.
Please let me know what you think, and any constructive criticism will be appreciated!
Until next time!