A/N - I've noticed that a lot of people are doing Mary-Sue parody stories, and I couldn't resist the chance of taking a shot at Mary-Sues myself. For the purposes of the plot, Legolas Greenleaf is a Field Researcher working for the Restoration Department of the Biology Association of Mirkwood (BAM), and everyone is alive and in Middle-Earth.

Disclaimer - I own no one and nothing except the field journal of Legolas, BAM, the tea cosy Bilbo gave me, the potted plant Sam gave me, the spoon Lobelia gave to me, the pretty shiny chainmail Pippin gave me, the mushrooms Merry stole from Maggot's field, the fish Gollum gave me, the mallorn tree Legolas named after me (isn't he a sweetie!), the pretty shiny preciousss gold Ring Frodo gave to me (it's mine, it came to me!), the broken axe Gimli was giving away, the shiny glowy rock from Gandalf's staff, Boromir's lacy handkerchief (well YOU try retaining your self-respect if you're a Steward of Gondor and have a lace handkerchief!) and myself. My friends, as they appear, own themselves and nothing else except maybe some chocolate. I do not own the Mary-Sues, thank Eru. I don't need them after me to make me give them rights to Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Gollum, Faramir, Gimli, Boromir, Eomer, Elladan, Elrohir, Elrond, Sauron, etc, etc...

Chapter One

Field Journal Entry #1 - It has been given to me to study the new race of creatures in Mirkwood Forest. Though they show obvious signs of intelligence, they are not civilized, nor are they -

Legolas brushed the end of his quill against his chin, thinking. He hadn't had much of a chance to observe the new creatures, really, even though they were everywhere in Mirkwood now. What could he say?

He scratched out his last sentence and began it again.

There is very little difference between the individuals. All possess unusual beauty, with perfect features. One can usually only tell them apart by small differences, such as a dimple in the left cheek instead of the right. They appear to be Elven, but certain characteristics (varicoloured eyes, odd-shaded hair) prove that they are not. No one has, of yet, spotted a male of this species either. Theirs is probably a matriarchal society.

They have an intriguing system of communication as well: a high-pitched scream that varies in the notes of the scale, consisting of 3 distinct syllables : aay, ooh, laa. No observations have been noted as to the use of the cry.

"Aaaaaay-oh-laaaaaa!" There was that call again! Legolas couldn't, for the life of him, make head or tail of it. The new creature did indeed show signs of intelligence, but the Elf-prince honestly couldn't tell if it was a warcry, or a way of passing on news, or a mating call, or something else entirely. Whatever it was, it was spooky, and it was driving him insane.

"Aaaaaaaay-ooh-laaaaaaa!" One of the new creatures, this one with silver hair and humongous purple eyes, bounded by outside his study window, like to a cat in grace and elegance. She was calling out, and muttering strangely under her breath in between calls.

"Aaaay-oh - Oh!" he heard her say, and suddenly she backtracked and peeped in his window.

Legolas jumped in surprise, for so far none of these new creatures had attempted to make contact with the Elves. He stared at her, and the creature stared right back, boldly. An odd look appeared in her eyes.

"Ooo," she muttered, "Pretty, pretty Legolas. He's mine! I found him first, no one else can claim him. He's mine, all mine..."

Legolas was growing distinctly uneasy. "Pardon," he said politely, "are you talking about me or some other Elf?"

"Legolas spoke to me!" she shrieked joyfully, then attempted to climb in through his window - which, Legolas noticed, too late, was wide open.

"Aaaay-oh-laaaa!" One of the other creatures was drawing near. "Laay-oh-laaa?" The cry became questioning, and more distinct.

Legolas didn't notice. "Back, spawn of Morgoth!" he cried as the first one vaulted at him and attempted to give him a slobbery kiss. He pushed her away. "Back, scion of Sauron! Back I say!"

"Leeeee-go-laaaaaas!" came the cry, much, much more distinctly. Legolas heard it this time, and he nearly froze to the spot with fear as its meaning became clear. He recovered himself enough to push the creature out the window as she attempted to kiss him again.

The Elf-prince pulled out his field journal and scribbled a hasty note. They call for Elven blood. I believe them to be some sort of vampi(Here trails and blots of ink score the now ripped and crumpled page as the second 'vampiric' creature, commonly known as the Mary-Sue, attempted to hug Legolas to death).

"You're mine! I claimed you, you are my love, my own -" she purred happily.

Legolas, in one swift, smooth move, picked up his hefty dictionary and brained the hapless Mary-Sue with it. She fell to the floor, unconscious.

Legolas rubbed his sore neck, where bruises and hickeys were already beginning to form. He was breathing heavily.

"Leeeeegolaaaaas!"

The Elf sprinted for the door, clutching his field journal. Definitely a mating call, he noted ruefully.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Legolas crouched unseen under a table as the Mary-Sues rushed around his father's Great Hall, calling out his name in a coaxing way. However, Legolas had no intention whatsoever of answering their calls.

Ever the scientist, Legolas deducted that they must be a subspecies of the Sirenia genus, due to their inherent charms and melodic voices.

"Legolas!" squealed one just then, interrupting his train of thought. She had tripped on the long flowing dresses of the others, fallen, and now could see exactly where Legolas was hiding. (The only reason none of them had noticed him before was because they were all extremely tall.)

Legolas yelped and made a dash for the door, but unfortunately several Mary-Sues grabbed ahold of him and quickly overpowered him. He flailed and struggled as the Mary-Sues closed in.

It was no use.

"Heeeeeelp!" he howled, abandoning all dignity. "I'm too young to diiiiiiie!"

"What's all the commotion in here about?"

Several Mary-Sues broke away from the main pack pressing in on Legolas as they heard the new voice.

"Aaaaaaraagoooooorn!"

"Run, Aragorn!" screamed Legolas, clawing away a Mary-Sue who was clinging to him. "Run!"

As the apparently Aragorn-loving Mary-Sues ran - and in some cases, tripped - their way towards the unlucky Ranger, a look of horror formed on his face, and he too, ran screaming - but at the Mary-Sues, instead of away, sword drawn.

Almost immediately the extremely feminine and Aragorn-loving Mary-Sues fainted from the shock of seeing a sword waved in their direction, wielded by - in some cases - the love of their life.

This left Legolas with enough freedom to kick his way out of the Mary-Sues. He dashed toward the Ranger, yelling, "Let us flee before they awaken and give chase!"

The two friends shot out of the hall at full tilt.