I keep forgetting I have this account
um...
enjoy the angst?
Kaneki wakes up screaming.
Not that this is particularly new, but this time, it's different.
Because Hide's right next to him, still shaking him worriedly. "Kaneki? Kaneki? You okay, buddy?" His voice is carefully controlled, the tiniest tremor giving away his concern.
"I. I'm fine," he manages, voice hoarse. Hide. Is still here. Yes. Right here.
"You don't exactly look fine." Hide's looking straight at him, and Kaneki fights the urge to cover his eyes. All he can remember are those same eyes, dull and lifeless, still staring at his own. I'm fine, Kaneki! Why do you look so sad?
No, no, no—not Hide, not Hide, anyone but Hide…!
"Kaneki!"
Kaneki turns around so quickly he can feel his neck already healing from whiplash. "Hi-Hide…" He doesn't know what else to say. What can he say? Hide's—he's—
"Hey. I'm right here, okay?" Hide presses Kaneki's hand to his chest, where he can feel the steady rhythm of Hide's heartbeat under his palm. "See?"
He wonders how Hide always knows what to do to calm him down, even when Kaneki doesn't say a word. "Just breathe, Kaneki. You're okay. I'm okay."
It's just simple repetition, but having Hide's voice is enough. Kaneki does as told, taking a deep breath, then letting it out slowly. "That's it. Better?"
He takes another few breaths, until he feels he can actually speak again. "Yeah…" His voice cracks, so he swallows. "Thanks, Hide."
"No problem! I'd be a pretty shitty friend if I let you sleep through that, right?" Hesitant, Hide asks, "Can you tell me what you dreamed about?"
How can he. He can't even bear to think about it, but talk?
"If you don't want to, that's fine." Hide's perfectly understanding, as always.
"You were dead," Kaneki blurts out. He can't take this either, can't take Hide being so complacent. Say something, for once! "But you kept saying it was alright, but it wasn't, because you were dead and how could I just leave you like that?" He's near hyperventilating, blinking rapidly.
"It's just a dream, Kaneki." Hide reassures. "And I've got you to protect me, right!"
That's right. Kaneki's here with him now, so he can protect Hide from everything. It's only then he realizes how hard he's clutching Hide's shirt, his grip so tight it's torn the light fabric. But how am I supposed to protect Hide from myself?
Hide follows Kaneki's gaze. "Ah, don't worry about that! It's a pretty old shirt anyway—"
"I could hurt you, Hide."
Hide shrugs. "So could that lamp if it fell on me. I try not to dwell on what ifs too much." He lies back down, pulling Kaneki with him. "I'm too tired for this."
He's a little confused by the sudden conversation change, but he won't argue with him. "I can't sleep," he says, instead. Not if Hide shows up in his dreams again. Especially not if it's a dream like that.
"'Cause you keep having nightmares, even if I'm right here?" Kaneki nods, a little reluctant to admit to that. "Then…maybe this." Hide just pulls Kaneki closer, uncomfortably close, even, Kaneki's ear smushed against his chest. "You can hear it, right?"
A heartbeat. It's easy to pick out in this closeness, the steady rhythm lulling him to sleep. "Hide…"
"Shhh. Just sleep, Kaneki."
And Kaneki does just that.
Hide is shaking when he wakes up.
Or—being shaken? "Hide. Hide. Wake up."
Someone's there?
That's strange; usually, he's alone. I'm dreaming again, huh?
Because dreams are the only way he'll get to see him again. Since he's already left Hide alone, so alone it feels like someone's dug into his chest and tore his heart out, leaving a gaping emptiness where it used to be.
It hurts, he thinks distantly, and touches his cheek. As expected, it's wet. Should that bother him? It's not like anyone would care.
"Hide? Why aren't you looking at me?"
Dreams are cruel. Sometimes, Hide wakes up thinking they could be real—but of course, that's not true. Can't be. Kaneki's abandoned him, and Hide doesn't expect him to come back. Not that he blames him; he gets it. They have their own paths, and as a human, Hide can only do so much.
That doesn't mean Hide doesn't wish Kaneki could've stayed. Taken him along? Or at least said anything, anything at all, before he just disappeared—
Kaneki. "I'm so lonely, Kaneki." He's going to cry again, isn't he. He cries a lot now, for some reason. Perhaps he's making up for all the time he's forced himself not to cry, for Kaneki's sake.
Whatever the excuse, it's pretty pathetic.
"Hide! I'm right here!"
"I,"—hic— "miss you so much." His vision's starting to blur, so he wipes his eyes with the back of his hands. For some reason, that makes him cry harder. "Kaneki, Kaneki, it hurts, please," he begs, even though there's no one there.
There's never anyone there.
"Hide, I'm here now! Look at me!"
Don't leave me alone… Hide can't stop crying even if he wanted to, hugging his knees to his chest. It's so cold, all the time. He can't stop shivering, either.
He wonders what Kaneki would do if he saw him cry. Hide's never let himself cry in front of him, not really—Kaneki didn't need another burden. Now…would he just leave him alone, again?
Maybe. Maybe not. Hide doesn't even know really Kaneki anymore, does he? And he'd been so careful, never to disrupt the fragile balance of their friendship. So selfish—would it have been better if he'd told Kaneki he knew? Or would it be worse? The same?
Hide hates not knowing. Now, he doesn't know anything.
"I made you cry, Hide, I'm so sorry…" If Hide closes his eyes, he can imagine Kaneki's there with him, his presence enough to cheer him up. Kaneki would help him, right? If he could see how alone he is…
That's what friends do—help each other. Hide's kind of a shitty friend.
(Kaneki was screaming, and all Hide could do was listen.
Those same screams still echo in his ears, so he covers them in a futile attempt to make it stop. He's being selfish, again. How much did Kaneki suffer through? And now Hide's uselessly pitying himself, when he's done nothing to help Kaneki when he needed it the most.)
"Hide! Listen to me!"
Someone's calling him? Hide turns around, to look straight into Kaneki's eyes.
Wait, what? "You were crying in your sleep, so I woke you up. And then you started saying all of that…are you okay?"
Okay. He has to be okay, now that Kaneki's here. He opens his mouth to casually answer with a "yes," but ends up with a half-sob stuck in his throat. "Hide. You're not okay…"
He's not. Kaneki pulls him close, so all Hide can feel is Kaneki's warmth, all around him. "I'm sorry, Hide, I never should've left you…"
Hide clutches onto Kaneki's shirt, afraid that if he lets go, Kaneki will disappear again. Maybe that's irrational. It doesn't feel that way, not after what's happened.
Kaneki tilts Hide's chin up, brushes away the last remnants of tears that stick to Hide's cheeks. "See? I'm not going anywhere."
He smiles, heartbreakingly gentle, and Hide shatters all over again.
I can't remember if what I edited in the AO3 version
there's definitely something dumb I missed
copypasta author notes?
ok
this was kind of a challenge to see how quickly i could write something
it turned out okay...?
the second part's better-written, I think, but probably less in-character
i guess? we don't see how Hide reacts emotionally, really...
i'd imagine having your best friend of over a decade disappear would affect you, but maybe that's just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I intended this to go a different way, but instead Hide just cries a lot
um
is Kaneki hallucinating? is Hide hallucinating? both?
maybe it's all actually real?
you decide
...well, it's actually quite obvious what's happening
i think