It's All a Bit Technical
Batman and Joker were fighting. What else was new? They were always fighting, it seems. Over the silliest little details, too, such as who completed who more. Joker kept on repeating "You, comple-ahte mmee!" every five seconds while Batman slammed his fists into his head over and over. They had just saved each other from a band of angry mobsters who were trying to beat them to death, only to escape in time to rescue their respective nemeses from certain doom. Because one carrying the other in his manly arms was just too sexy an image for the generic fanfiction authoress to leave out.
Now Batman was being all angsty. Again. He was always angsty, it seems. Yep, that's Batman, just a huge ball of inner demons and two-word lines. That is, until he realized his undeniable attraction for the Joker, which suddenly released his inner poet and started him spinning out flowery, romantic language like a regular Shakespeare.
Which would begin just about…nnnow!
"Wow," Batman gasped as he finished punching Joker into a wall. "I think I just realized…I love you. I love you more than anything on this earth. Even more than Rachel, who I grew up with my whole life, while I've only known you for a few years and I've hated you this whole time. I've secretly loved you since the moment I first saw you, because a guy who wears face paint and blows up people I care about…there's just something absolutely kinky about that!"
Joker looked up through the gorgeous carmine that was running from injuries on his face, and gazed up at Batman with his sparkling green eyes (regardless that the Joker's actual eye color in the movie was brown, because the color green can be described in far sexier ways). "Of cours-ah there iss, Batsy! And i-tah should come as nno surprise-ah that, ahem, I looove you, too-ah! Becausse, like I sai-dah, you, comple-ah-"
He was suddenly interrupted as Batman punched him again, then kissed him deeply. He instantly responded and then the two were going at each other with their mouths, tongue and all. Of course, Joker liked how Batman felt, and Batman inexplicably liked how Joker tasted. Because apparently, tooth decay and halitosis is the ultimate turn-on for billionaire playboys. Keep that in mind, Natasha. Lay off the Colgate Total.
When they finally broke apart two hours later, Batman whispered, "I have no idea what you just said, because your pretentious 'Joker-accent' makes it impossible to understand a word that comes out of your mouth."
All that Joker heard was a weird chain smoker rumble, creating a huge miscommunication gap. Ah well, he decided. "Let's just have some angry hate sex that quickly turns into passionate lovemaking!"
"Wait," Batman said dramatically. "I have to do something first." And, dun dududun!, he…pulled off his mask!
"I already knew it was you, Bruce," Joker admitted, making the tense moment quite anticlimactic. Of course he knew, and don't start questioning why, everyone just assumes that even though the police and the FBI with all their resources and high-tech gadgets can't figure out who he was, the Joker's just a genius with an incredible intuitive sense of all things concerning the Batman. Or he's just a really lucky guesser. Either way, it's irrelevant. It makes for some gushy romantic moments between two very un-romantic fighters.
Such as what the Joker said next: "Even though I'm supposed to detest all humanity and how they live pathetic existences, so I should naturally hate Bruce Wayne because of the façade he keeps up, I feel as if I've always loved Bruce Wayne, too!"
"Perfect!" Bruce/Batman exclaimed. "Let's get it on to celebrate, even though neither one of us is all that experienced with gay sex!"
"Agreed!" Joker…agreed…, "especially since I have no past and no one in their right mind would actually sleep with me in my current state…good thing you're not in your right mind!"
"That's true, otherwise why would I be attracted to you?" Bruce pointed out. "We'd better take this somewhere else though, there's probably a million ex-girlfriends/supervillainesses/butlers/cops/random joes spying on us right now."
"DAMNIT!" swore the million voyeurs who had been watching the entire time, as they ran away screaming and puking all the way home, scarred by what they saw. For they were all going to chronicle their night's experiences and post them all on this site, so that everyone in the real world would have more archenemy porn to get off on.
"Well," Joker said, "now that we're alone again, let's have a night to remember, since our pairing is the hottest thing since McDonald's coffee!"
"Our fics should have warning labels…" Bruce murmured as Joker kissed him again (even though it would be quite difficult to say something while someone's covering your lips, but since we've committed so many other fallacies of logic in this fic so far, what's a few more gonna hurt?).
"So, when am I gonna see you next?" Joker asked. "How bout tomorrow night?"
"Can't," Bruce replied, "I'm scheduled to be all angsty and filled with self-loathing for a few weeks after tonight. Then I'm supposed to get carried away with you again in about 17 days. That work for you?"
"Sounds perfect!" Joker said, then the two proceeded to orgasm like rabbit porn stars. And so did the silly authors that wrote the fics. And unfortunately, so did the readers, because even the bad fics about these two are surprisingly hot, in their own misguided way.
Okay, I figured I've been writing stuff on here long enough, it's time to offend some people. I've been having the worst time trying to get two of my longer oneshots done and posted, so here's what I did to pass the time. Because, let's face it, people use this stuff. A LOT. Like the whole one saving the other from certain death thing. Or the fighting then I suddenly kiss you and love you maneuver. Or the random shmoe who walks in on them. Not to say that some of those things /wouldn't/ happen in a canonical piece, but I feel they're way overused. And some people who use it just take it several steps too far and just end up butchering this gorgeous pairing with ooc crap and gushy nonsense where gushiness just isn't their style.
And yes, I know I've used some of this stuff too. Sue me. Just don't Mary-Sue me. The world could use a lot less of those. xP
And the 'Joker voice'? Don't even get me started. You know who you are, STOP ADDING IN RANDOM BOLDED AND ITALICIZED LETTERS IN EVERY WORD THE JOKER SAYS. It doesn't make his dialogue sound more "real" or "Joker-esque", it just hurts the eyes and makes the reader double back to understand what was just said. Makes for a very confusing read. Trust me, if it's written true to the character, it will naturally sound like his voice in the reader's head, you don't need to add the stupid emphasis to every third letter. Sheesh.
And about the carmine...it's such an overused word on this site to describe blood that I now cringe every time I see it. What makes it worse is when I read multiple fics with authors actually bragging about using the word "carmine" instead of "red". I admire your boldness in vocabulary, but please, try for some originality.
Flames are the shit. I needed something to roast my marshmallows on anyways. ^.^ S'mores anyone?