Hello everyone and welcome to What is Deserved, this is my first Supernatural fanfic so I hope you all enjoy it. Please remember to leave a review thanks!

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, and Sam I'm so sorry….

Ch. One: When brother is gone:

It had been one hundred thirty nine days since Sam Winchester celebrated his birthday by burying his brother in a small clearing in the forest on the outside of town. He had insisted on digging the grave on his own, hell, he had insisted on doing everything on his own. He'd removed Dean's torn and mangled body from that house in New Harmony where he'd become a Hellhound's chew toy and placed him in the backseat of the Impala, had built the make shift casket and placed Dean in it only six hours after the clock had struck midnight. It was Sam that dug the hole that would be the final resting place for his brother earning himself nothing but a few calluses on his hands, that task had taken hours of none stop work but finally it was done to Sam's liking. Sam rigid up a chain and pulley system to the back of a truck he had borrowed from Bobby to slowly ease the casket into the ground. One hundred thirty nine days since his world shattered, since he had put the last family member he had in the ground, since he built a cross to mark the burial site. But the one thing Sam had not even considered until he tossed the shovel into the back of the truck and looked over his shoulder. It had been one hundred thirty nine days since he became free of his brother's control.

At first Sam couldn't accept his freedom, it wasn't that he didn't want to accept it, he just didn't know how to he felt lost like an abandoned puppy looking for his master knowing full well he never would. Master is gone and it's time for the dog to survive on his own Sam had tried everything to bring Dean back to him, countless spells and charms were as effective as trying to break a rock with a toothpick. A couple of weeks after that day he'd summoned that bastard Crossroad demon more than ready to make a direct trade, but his plea to take his brother's place were met with a cruel laugh and an immediate 'no. He had made it clear, Hell had its arms wrapped around Dean Winchester and it wasn't letting him go for anything. If he had the courage he would drive the Impala out to Dean where he and it truly belonged, pull out one of the many guns they had kept in the trunk and blow his brains out over his brother's grave. But he wasn't going to do that. God knows, he wanted to, but Master had orders and Sam had learned his lessons well, each and every single time. Or at least he thought he had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'You're mine Sammy.' Dean had whispered viciously in his ear as he pushed his hard cock inside Sam without having prepared him and stayed there, forcing himself in fully he clamped his hand over his little brother's mouth to mask the pained scream that would have alerted the man sleeping in the next room. 'Be quiet Sam. Dean warned, his green eyes never leaving Sam's. 'You move, or cry out and I'm going to make this harder than it has to be. Now, are you going to be good?' Frantically, Sam moved his head up and down, submitting to being the obedient pet that Dean not only wanted him to be in but expected it and like a good dog he was rewarded with Dean removing his hand from his mouth. Sam wondered vaguely what crime had he committed that this punishment had warrant. The pain of Dean forcing himself inside Sam filled his being with a sharp white hot burn, making his body jerk slightly (Don't move! Don't move) against the much too tight handcuffs Dean had locked around his wrists the moment they stepped foot in the bedroom they were sharing at Bobby's . 'Sam, do you have any idea why I'm doing this?' Sam didn't know. Had no fucking idea really. He should have lied and said 'Yes.' To confess may have ended the punishment right then but Sam chose silence at his brother's question and the hands that held him and protected him all his life grabbed a hand full of his hair and slammed the back of his skull into the hard wood bed frame sending stars dancing in front of his eyes. 'I expect an answer from you Sam.' This time Dean didn't stop himself, ever so slightly he pulled out just enough to give Sam's tight hole a small bit of release before shoving himself even further then before. 'God, …you're tight Sammy.' Dean said through clenched teeth as he slammed his body into Sam's. The pain was enough to bring Sam out of his daze and the reflexes he'd acquired over the last year took over. Sam spread his body out for Dean even more then he had already been forced to, giving him even more access to go deeper to taunt and tease every part of his body that Dean wanted. Dean's fingers uncurled themselves from around Sam's hair and gently stroked his cheeks. 'Love you Sammy…only you, me and you that's all there is. You're never gonna leave me, you're mine' Dean whispered before pushing his lips to Sam's. Sam nipped and sucked at Dean's lips while allowing himself to bask in the wake of Dean's tender hands exploring his body, finding the erect nipples and giving them taunting little flicks and pulls and then finally touching where Sam wanted him to really be. The hand around his own cock rubbed the tip with expert care knowing just how to work Sam while still keeping his balls about an inch away from Sam's ass at all times. Sam's cock was already begging for Dean to move his hand across it, to wrap his mouth around it, anything. 'God, D-Dean please!' Sam gasped and his eyes widened in horror. He had spoken when Dean told him not to.

Oh, fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck….

Sam clenched his eye lids closed and waited for Dean's fist to meet the mouth. (that was the usual punishment he got for talking when Dean didn't allow it) but the blow didn't come. Instead, Dean pulled his dick out, his cum and some blood leaking out of his brother. 'I'm going to let you sleep on it little brother.' Dean practically growled as he pushed himself off the bed. 'We have a big day tomorrow, gotta take one last shot at saving me from the pit.' Sam nodded, knowing that he wasn't going to be getting any sleep, not with his body aching and his wrists pinned above his head. 'Give you a hint Sam.' Dean mumbled as he crawled under the covers on his side of the bed. 'Even accidently touching a hot stove gets you burned.' And then Sam knew why Dean had punished him, he knew what sin he had committed against the brother who had sold his soul to bring him back to life and was going to Hell the next day if he couldn't figure out a way to save him. At the restaurant, he had accidently touched the waitresses hand as she slid him the check.

Sam kept the note that he found in Dean's jacket the day he buried him. He kept it in his wallet and he found himself looking at his brother's last message to him scrawled hastily on a piece of notebook paper, 'Don't follow me.' The message read and Sam obeyed the command because that was just the kind of 'good boy' Dean had trained him to be. Sam tried to follow every single rule after Dean died he really did but like with the waitress accidents happened, and Sam took on the role Dean played. On day number one hundred thirty eight Sam sat clenching the open lighter away from the water of the shower and tried to keep his body from shivering against the ice cold water that sprayed on his back. He could practically hear his brother whispering in his ear. 'Do it slow Sammy…you go fast and it will be over sooner, but you won't learn…' Sam took a deep breath and held it. In one quick movement he brought the flame to life and stuck his left arm over it. 'Hold it!' He told himself. 'Hold it and count to ten!' Sam bit hard into his lip, instantly feeling the skin tear, "One." He gasped, fighting the urge to pull away and stop this. Oh fuck it hurt…. "Two." 'Good boy Sammy, keep going…' "Th-three!" His skin was blistering and the insane thought of 'is this what they're doing to Dean?' ran through his mind. He opened his mouth to choke out the next number when he heard someone banging on the door. He jumped in surprise and knocked over the lighter into water, ending the punishment before he was suppose to. "Sam! Sam open the door!" The person shouted at him. "Fuck!" He mumbled under his breath, pulling himself up and wrapping a towel around himself before opening the bathroom door. "What do you want? He asked the woman standing outside the door. "I wasn't expecting you for a couple more weeks, Ruby." He knew exactly why she was here, she'd been following him for weeks now, ever since that night he'd gotten back from that time he tried to bargain with the Crossroads demon and found a whole hoard of them waiting for him in his hotel room, they had pressed a blade to his throat and he had let them, Dean's orders said he wasn't allowed to kill himself, didn't say a fucking word about getting someone else to do it "Come on.." He had taunted, lifting chin up. "Do it.." He closed his eyes when he saw the knife rise ready to slash open his neck, but the demon didn't deliver the blow that was meant to send him into a dark oblivion Instead the black eyed bitch did something worse. She saved him, saved him and started teaching him about some 'gift' he had, but the gift came at a price and he had to pay it each time. "Figured you wanted some juice Sam." Ruby said as casually as if she were offering him a stick of gum instead of her putrid yet somehow addicting blood. She pulled out the small knife from her pocket and offered it to him. "So come get it." He didn't want it, he really didn't. But it helped, he couldn't care less that he could get demons out of people and send them crying back to Hell, it gave him an excuse to inflect the punishments on himself because those times when he deserved the pain he gave himself, the times he cut into her skin and sucked the blood out and those times afterwards when he fucked her those were the only time he could sense his dead brother around him, and it was the only time he truly felt safe…Sam let the towel fall from his body as one hand grabbed the knife and the other grabbed her throat. He wasn't hurting her, he never did. Not when he slammed her down on the bed, not when he brought the knife to her flesh and watched the skin bloom red with her blood, not when he used his tongue to lap at the cut, she remained quiet the whole time only whispering praises in his ear when he'd finished drinking and started ripping off her clothes.

'Finish last night's punishment Sammy..' Sam hadn't needed the voice to encourage him, he'd already turned the cold shower back on full blast and had pressed the lighter to a new spot on his arm, this time he used his shirt to gag himself, taping a piece of tape over his lips, didn't want Ruby to hear him cry out when the crime had been paid for because he would have to do this and then something else to make up for last night. Tears streamed from his eyes as he screamed the final number into the shirt he had stuffed into his mouth feeling the fabric slowly falling towards his throat. Nearly gagging he pulled the shirt out of his mouth, gasping for air. He plunged his arm into the cold spray of the shower, knowing that it was going to burn even more as soon as he took it out of the water, but he didn't care. 'You did so good Sammy…' He heard the praises and smiled to himself in spite of the pain. Tenderly he turned his arm over on its side and examined the fruit of his labor. It was at least a second degree burn the flesh red and blistered from the flames heat no doubt this was going to leave a hell of a scar. And it would match the other dozen that decorated his arms and legs. But he wasn't done yet, the punishment had to go with the crime, taking in a demon's blood was like taking a small bit of Hell into himself and he deserved to wear marks to show that. The sin of drinking her blood was forgivable if he punished himself enough but using what was Dean's on her to fuck her until he nearly passed out with exhaustion wasn't just unforgiveable, it was beyond redemption no matter what he did to himself the praises and encouragement to continue never filled his head. When he was sure he wouldn't scream he used his good arm to pull himself up from the tub and stood dripping on the tile of the bathroom. He kept the water running still worried Ruby would wake up. He didn't dare wrap the towel around himself, because that would have provided warmth, and right now that wasn't something he deserved. Sam had already laid out everything he would need to take care of the burn on his arm and in moments he had the area cleaned, gauzed and bandaged. But there was still the last punishment. He took one step forward and turned towards the sink and turned the water on, catching his reflection in the mirror his eyes full of hate for himself. You're pathetic. Sam looked away, he hadn't been able to stand looking at himself in months, not since the first time Dean had decided to punish him for forgetting to clean the guns, resulting in Dean fucking him with the barrel of the gun and giving him a blow job at the same time. This wouldn't have been too terrible if Dean's finger wasn't on the trigger and the gun was loaded. 'It's for your own good Sammy…' Dean told him 'Have to keep you whole, pure…' Sam never understood what Dean had meant by that but he knew not to ever question it. Sam had sterilized the three inch long sewing needle in a paper cup full or rubbing alcohol, the last thing he wanted was to get an infection, that was another rule, once the fine was paid no need to make it last longer than it had to be. Sam took the needle out and dried it on the washcloth and sat down on the cold porcelain seat of the toilet. Dean hadn't permitted Sam to touch himself in months; 'No one touches Dean Winchester's stuff' had been the golden rule since Sam was old enough to walk. Sam gripped his limp penis and pulled the shaft roughly, flinching in pain but not making a sound. He had to make sure he didn't get too hard, just enough to expose as much of his flesh as he could. Finally, when he was ready he pricked the head of his dick with the needle. The pain was extreme and Sam's hand released the needle and he bent his body over drawing in deep breaths as the needle fell to the floor, his hand flew to his mouth and he bit down on his knuckle, his teeth leaving white indentions on his skin. 'Do it Sammy….pick up that fucking needle and prove you're still all Sam…all my Sammy.' "Dean, I can't do it, it hurts too much…" Tears stung his eyes and he wiped them away in shame. 'Yes you can. Come on baby brother…do it for me." That was all Sam needed. Gritting his teeth he picked up the needle from between the tiles and this time he pushed the needle in full length, his back arched and he cried out. Sam yanked the needle out and looked at it, the silver had a red tint from his blood. You know what you are Sam? You are the shit inside a maggot's ass. And nothing you do to yourself is gonna change that. "Shut up. Shut the fuck up." You can burn, cut, inject yourself with drugs, and shove needles in your dick all fucking day but it's not going to bring Dean back…and you wanna know the truth Sammy?

"D-don't call me Sa~" He started to say out of habit but the voice in his head cut him off; Sammy Sammy Sammy poor pathetic baby Sammy, not happy unless he's getting fucked by his older brother. You know the real reason you do this shit, because you hate the fact that you don't want Dean to come back somehow. Sam repositioned the needle and dug it into his skin again trying to ignore what he was being told. You didn't want him to be saved, 'oh we'll find a way Dean. I'll get you out of your deal.' Bullshit. You knew there was no way out. He pulled the needle out and this time he let it fall to the floor. It was true. He hadn't wanted Dean to be saved, he couldn't wait for the Hellhounds to come and eat his brother alive. Dean may have been his father's attack dog but that was much better than whatever it was Sam was trying to be, his brother's pet? His toy? 'Just prove to me you're still Sam…Do what I say…show that you're 100 percent Sam Winchester.'

Sam didn't realize he was already on his feet, or that he was standing in front of the sink glaring at his reflection, "You are a pathetic piece of shit." He told himself and he slammed his fist into the mirror. He looked at his fist, his skin painted with blood and shards of glass, and he swung again and again "I am Sam Winchester!" He shouted "I don't fucking deserve this shit!"

It was the loud rapid banging outside the door that broke him out of his rage. Guess he finally woke Ruby up. "Yeah, I'm coming!" He shouted to her quickly picking the glass out of his hand, he needed stitches, but he'd worry about that later. He threw on a pair of semi dirty jeans over his aching body and turned off the water. He looked down at the needle on the floor. It almost made him sick. Slowly he bent down and picked it up. "No more punishments." He told himself tossing the instrument of his own torture into the trash and wrapping a towel. Dean's never coming back, he could accept that now. No way for Dean to watch his every move and make him sit in the electric chair for jay walking. This ended today. Right the fuck now. Sam flung the door open expecting to see Ruby standing there with that bored expression she wore most of the time and bitching that she wanted to get some breakfast. But she wasn't there. "Ruby?" Sam called looking around. From what he could tell she was still sleeping in the bed, her head tilted to one side facing the wall, a position he hadn't seen her sleep in before, not that he had given it much thought. Sam threw on his plaid blue shirt and lay down on the bed, closing his eyes and resting his head on his hands. Fuck he was exhausted. Something warm and thick dripped on his cheek…'Nightmare..' He told himself, 'just sleep it's not real….just bad memories' but the drip came again and this time he opened his eyes. Ruby, like Jess, was pinned to the ceiling above his bed, her naked body fixed with her arms out stretched by her sides and her legs crossed the knife they had used to destroy demons was perturbing out of her chest, like she had been crucified, but there were no lifeless eyes peering at him and a scream escaped him as he realized why. Her head. Her head wasn't attached to her body. Gasping in horror Sam flung back the tangled blankets that he had been so certain was her body under them and found exactly what he had been expecting. Her severed head rolled over and landed against his arm. His stomach turned and he found himself on his knees puking up the contents of his stomach. He felt a hand gently pat his back and he froze. "Shh…It's okay Sammy, I'm here." Oh, God, no….Sam turned his head, and saw the rage in his brother's eyes. "I'm going to make everything better." Dean's fist found the right spot without any effort and Sam fell forward into darkness.

Ch. One/End