Chapter 1: A Face to Remember
The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.
- St. Jerome
Marina's Diary 17th September 2016
Before I moved into campus to begin my studies, I felt really nervous and anxious by the people who surrounded me. Everyday was teeming with people on campus passing by me, unaware of my existence or just indifferent when I was around. Out of all those faces that I have imaged in my memory, none etches in my subconscious other than this one student, a popular student named "Laura Woodson".
What was it about her that attracted my attention towards this popular and beloved student? Like all people I see in the flesh, I know them all based on appearance, but don't know what their lives are like just from observing them. With social media becoming the popular means of communication and networking, I got to know the girl whom I would so desperately try to earn her respect and attention.
Only by reading Laura's Facebook profile would I learn who she was, and why virtually everyone around campus wanted her attention, and to be a part of her life. She had quite an exciting social life, going out and basking in the activities and pleasures I have never experienced before. She has accomplished so much by participating in activism and charity work, which she has posted pictures of on her Facebook wall.
I will admit that Laura is a very attractive girl, she reminds me of a porcelain doll that I owned from childhood. Full lips, luxurious thick hair and big expressive green eyes. When she smiles, my heart skips a beat, and I melt like warm butter; how her cheeks protrude and her lips stretch and sheen, and how cute tiny little stars burn brightly in her eyes.
She was the reason why I transferred myself to psychology, so I could be close to her, and hopefully get her attention. On the day of my transfer, I entered the canteen anxiously and sat at a table, where I fixed my eyes on her. On some occasions, I did see her turn around to look at me. Whenever that happened, my heart raced, I could hear my own heartbeat; and I could feel a stream of ants running down my throat, and into my stomach. I've never had this feeling before, a feeling that was racking but pleasurable at the same time.
When she did lay her eyes on me, I wondered what she thought of me, does she like me; or is she sort of interested in me? Those occasional glances at me must mean something, no other person has looked at me in that way since school, where the teachers and staff always noticed me when I was around. No longer did I feel like a ghost, I felt that Laura would be my savior to pull me out of my world of loneliness.
The following night, I would sit in my dark bedroom with my laptop, and with Laura's Facebook profile open. Next to her profile picture which was her smiling and looking bashful, I saw the option that gave me the option to take that one step into Laura's life. I moved the cursor slowly near the option, taking one big breath and holding it in, as I let the cursor hover over the "Add Friend" option. All I had to do was click and the request goes through, it was now or never. Was I to live through the rest of the semester, staring at the girl whom I wanted to be involved with, or was I going to make an effort to actually get involved in her life.
The still cursor on the "Add Friend" option was what scared me the most, and deterred me from clicking on that option, but then I scanned my eyes to the left to see Laura's smiling face; I visualised her encouraging me to press the button, and become part of her social circle, which gave me the strength and eagerness to tap with my index finger. My finger was down, and I expelled the breath out of my lungs, and started to breath again. I swerved my eyes back to the centre of the screen, and there was a window allowing me to type a message. My heart abruptly started to pound and butterflies were in my stomach, my lips were firmly sealed and I swallowed to wash down the tickling sensation in my throat. Clicking that button was only the first step, as the next step would be to write a message, which I assumed was to be the message to convince Laura to be my friend. I hesitated at first, with my hands over the keyboard and fingers spanned out, ready to type the message. With determination and eagerness to get the whole ordeal over with, I typed as swiftly and efficiently as I could ever type. Without spell checking, and being indifferent to how I written out the grammar of the sentence, I moved the cursor to the send button and clicked impulsively; as if I was scratching an irritable itch. Before I knew it, my finger was held on the click button and the window with the message disappeared. My heartbeat slowed down, but pumped slowly, still nervous about what the response was going to be; will I be rejected, or will I be accepted? The wait was killing me slowly, I started to regret ever sending that friend request, the rejection would have been too hard to bear; I would lose the will to go on living.
After minutes of waiting for the response, I would get a new entry in my notifications, it meant that I got a new message. Excited like a kid on Christmas, I would zip the cursor over to the notification icon, and clicked and would see the response I was hoping for. There I would see confirmation that Laura and I were now officially friends, a streak of happiness surged through my body, and I had the urge to jump up and dance around the room like a fairy. Instead, I was shaking with this wonderful feeling of being accepted, and just stared at Laura's beautiful smiling face, then I started to anticipate the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Marina's Diary 23rd of September 2016
It's been less than a week of getting myself acquainted with Laura through her Facebook profile, but today was the day I finally got to interact with her in the flesh.
It was after today's class where I forgot what the topic was about, and a single word of what the lecturer said, but I sat there and daydreamed about Laura. When class was over, I just stood on the stairs observing Laura and her blonde haired friend whom she sat next to, I could remember her name as "Olivia"; whom I saw her a lot of in Laura's pictures.
When Laura turned her head to look at me, I threw my eyes onto the steps and my heart was in my throat, but I knew it was in my chest beating; I just hugged my laptop to my chest to slow the beat. When I lifted up my head, I noticed that Laura was closer to me, and she was no longer accompanied by Olivia. I didn't hear any whispering, the sound of my heartbeat must have drowned out the sounds, or prevented me from listening in on the conversation. Laura was embellishing her face with a closed smile, and greeted me. I greeted her back with a soft tone, as I raised a slow open smile on my face. She asked me how I was, and I was elated to hear her ask me that question. After I answered her question she invited me to walk with me to my dormitory.
While we walked from the classroom to my dormitory, we talked about today's lesson and about the course. Laura even talked a little bit about herself and that the reason she studied psychology, was because she wanted to follow in the footsteps of her late father, who was a highly respected psychiatrist. She even asked me questions why I took up psychology, I didn't want to give her the real reason, as it was clear that the reason was just to be close to her. She even told me about the flat she shares with her three other friends, and how they struggle to maintain their shared accommodation.
I didn't know how to word my responses, or even find the correct response, I was submissive in letting Laura take control of the conversation; and do most of the talking. I barely talked about myself, and was quite reluctant to do so, because my past was a nightmare; which I did not wish to share with my only friend.
Laura parted ways with me as soon as we walked next to the entrance of my dormitory. When Laura said, "See you around campus" I responded with, "Bye" but included her name with such a soft tone, I wondered if she heard me or not. I watched her disappear into the distance, then I would turn my attention to the dark recesses of my dormitory, and went back to my place of solitude.
To be continued...