Title: A Parallel Life.

Author: Canonisation

Part: 1/1

Pairing: Frieda/Penny

Rating: 12

Thanks to Team Frenny who inspired this :)

Synopsis: An alternate version of the storeroom conversation in 13x28, 'Crossing The Line', and has spoilers for Series 13 up to that point. This is, of course, an alternative Series 13 :)

1

Frieda Petrenko made her way through the hospital corridors, trying to remember the correct storeroom. She knew that there was a particular one that had almost always been used for a certain purpose - she just wasn't sure exactly which one it was. She finally reached the door of what she was sure was the correct one, and went inside. As luck would have it, she was right - the object of her search was sitting slumped up against the wall, head in hands, soft whimpers trying to escape.

As Frieda walked in, Penny Valentine looked up, surprised to see her. Her pale skin was laced with tear stains, and her eyes were still swimming with sorrow. "Frieda?" she asked softly. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to find you," said Frieda, trying to keep her tone as close as possible to her normal brusque manner and hoping that she was being successful. "Malick sent me. Wanted to see how you were doing."

"Fine," said Penny sarcastically. "Just fine. You can go now. Tell Malick he won't have to worry about me any more."

"Any..?" Frieda cocked her head to the side. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm quitting." Penny's stared down at the ground. "I'm not doing anyone any good here."

"I..." Frieda tailed off. She stared at Penny for a moment, then sat down next to her. "Quitting? What has brought this on?"

Penny glanced over at her. "What are you doing?"

"Sitting. Talking. Is okay with you?"

"Don't try to talk me out of it." Penny looked away. "Don't try to cheer me up, or reassure me, or..." She was cut off by a hollow laugh from Frieda.

"Me?" Frieda raised her eyebrows. "You think I am good with cheering people up? Or reassuring them?" She shook her head. "Do not worry, Valentine. I could not do any of that even if that's what I wanted. I just...want to know what is going on with you. Why you are planning this."

"Because my brother's dead. Because everyone was right all along - I don't have what it takes. All I do is screw things up and make things worse. Even when I thought things were getting better...all I was doing was kidding myself. My family was right - this was a massive mistake, and it's time to finally fix it." Penny glanced over at Frieda. "I saw how you looked at me when I came in. I saw you talking to Malick earlier. You didn't want me here either."

Frieda blinked in surprise at Penny's outburst. "I...you are wrong! I was surprised, yes. I just think it is too soon...you know Malick - he is 'sink or swim' person. But I...I did not think you were ready. I thought it was too soon after...after...the accident. Not that you did not belong here."

"You were right. All I've done is screw up today...all I ever do is screw up." Penny's voice sank to a whisper. "I just need to accept that this was all a mistake. A stupid, seven year mistake."

"You think..." Frieda took a deep breath. "You think I do not feel like that sometimes? That I am...fake? A fraud? That soon someone is going to find me out and discover that I should not be here? It is common feeling - it does not mean that it is true."

"I should have just left with Scott when I had the chance. Then I would never have known. I would never have had to put him in that position. I would never have..." Penny's voice cracked and she fell into silence.

Frieda looked at her intently. She was starting to get really worried now. This was more than just simple grief - she had to get to the bottom of this, or Penny Valentine was going to throw her entire future away, and that wasn't something Frieda was going to let happen. She had no experience or prowess in handling things like this, but she had to try - for Penny's sake.

She moved closer to Penny, and took Penny's hand in hers. Penny looked up, surprised by the gesture, but did not pull away. "Penny," said Frieda softly. "I am no good at this, but...please do not quit. It would be waste. The hospital needs you. The team would miss you." She took a deep breath. "I would miss you." She squeezed Penny's hand softly. "There is more here than just Oliver's...death, isn't there?"

Penny stared at her through tear-stained eyes and finally nodded curtly. Frieda tried to give a reassuring smile. "Then...can you tell me what it is?"

"No."

"Can you tell anyone? Do you have another person you can talk to, or..."

"No."

The sheer despair and hopelessness in Penny's words shocked Frieda. She'd never heard the redhead that despondent before - that...broken. Fighting her natural urge to run, to leave the situation alone and remain as aloof as always, Frieda reached out her other hand to stroke Penny's face gently, to move it so Penny could look into Frieda's eyes. Penny needed...someone, and Frieda was the only person available. She might not be good at this, but she was going to try - she owed Penny that much. "Penny?" she said softly. "I know you said you can not talk to me, but...I am here. I will listen. I will not betray your confidence. You need someone to talk to, and you know I am a person of my word. None of this will leave this room."

Penny's shattered gaze fixed on Frieda for what seemed like an eternity, and finally a tortured whisper escaped her lips. "I killed him."

"What?" Frieda shook her head. "Penny, no. It was accident. Just...stupid accident. Was not your fault, okay? There was nothing you could have done. Nothing anyone could have done."

"You don't understand. I was the reason he was there. If it hadn't been for me..."

"You think you should have gone?" Frieda squeezed Penny's hand harder. "Then it would have..." The thought was too terrible to even voice, so she pushed it out of her mind. "Are you wishing you had died in his place? Is that it? Penny...that will help no-one. Just...please...do not think that way."

There was a gleam in Penny's eyes now that Frieda did not understand, something back behind her eyes that was screaming out to be released. Something that Penny desperately wanted to say, but was holding back with all her will. "You don't get it - he went there because of me! If I hadn't been so insistent, he..." Penny tailed off and looked away. "You don't understand," she whispered.

"Then make me understand!" snapped Frieda, a little more forcefully than she had intended. Penny's head swung round to look at Frieda, surprised at her tone. "Help me here, Penny. All I want to do is help you, but you are not letting me. There is something big here - something you will not say. It is tearing you apart inside - I can see it. You need to let it out - you need to let me help you."

Penny stared at Frieda in silence for several agonising moments. Frieda started to fear that she'd gone too far - had alienated her and prevented from opening up in the way she desperately needed to do. Thankfully, Penny finally nodded. "Okay," she said softly. "I'll tell you. On one condition."

"What?"

"You can't tell anyone else - no matter what I tell you, it never leaves this room. Not ever."

Frieda frowned. "What are you going to..."

"I mean it, Frieda - swear to me that you'll never tell another soul, no matter what I tell you."

Frieda looked at her, confused about what Penny had to say that was going to be so terrible. However, the expression on Penny's face was one of...almost desperation. There was no question in Frieda's mind that she would agree - she could not abandon Penny to despair like this. "I swear," she said firmly. "This will be between us."

Penny nodded slowly. "Oliver..." she started tentatively. "Oliver wasn't a doctor."

"What? I know he was a bit rubbish at many things, but..."

"No." Penny took a deep breath. "I mean he wasn't a doctor. He wasn't qualified." At Frieda's confused look, she continued. "Back when we were at school...our final exams. He passed, and I failed. I had to retake it later. It was pretty humiliating...no-one at home let me forget it, and it really destroyed my confidence for the next few years."

"I don't under..."

"He switched them." Penny's tone suddenly became harsher, and she took a deep breath and paused for a second. "He switched the test papers - I passed and he failed, and he changed it so that he wouldn't have to face up to failure."

Frieda's stomach churned. Her mouth was dry. She couldn't believe what Penny was telling her. However, one look into Penny's eyes told her the truth of the statement. "And you knew? When..."

"Just before I went on leave. He told me that day. I couldn't take being here and knowing, so I told him to tell the truth and left to give him a chance to do the right thing. I'm sorry, Frieda. I know you were confused and hurt when I left...but I couldn't tell you. I couldn't risk your career. That's why I didn't call you while I was away."

"I..." Frieda did not know what to say - how to react. She could only imagine what it must have been like for Penny.

"So, I come back today," continued Penny, "and he still hasn't told anyone. And I start to think that he's never going to tell. So I give him an ultimatum - either he tells Hanssen by the end of the day, or I will. And then we get the news of the train crash, and...you know the rest."

"But...why do you think was your fault?"

"Don't you see?" asked Penny tearfully. "He volunteered for it because of me. Because he wanted to prove to me that he had what it took - that me blowing the whistle on him would be a waste of a good doctor. That's why he crawled under that train. That's why he's..." Her voice cracked noticeably. "That's why he's dead," she whispered.

Frieda's head was swimming. She hadn't been prepared for any of these revelations. The thought that Oliver could do anything like that stirred confusing, conflicting emotions in her. She tried to push them away for the time being to focus on Penny. "Penny, listen to me," she said, trying to get Penny to look at her. "You are not to blame, okay? You did not force him to do this. We are all responsible for our own actions in this world - you cannot blame yourself."

"He died thinking I hated him," muttered Penny. "And you know what? At the time, I did. And now...I remember what he did, and how angry I was, and all those feelings come back...and then I remember that he's gone, and I don't know what to think of him. He was my brother, and I can't...I can't even decide whether I loved him or hated him more. What kind of a person am I?"

"You were angry," said Frieda softly. "You did not know that this would happen. And you had..." She tailed off as the enormity of what Oliver had done - of what Penny was going through hit her. She'd had a crush on Oliver at one time - he was an attractive man, after all. However, the crush had faded over time as she grew to know him better, and she had no longer thought of him in that way at the time of the accident. She'd still retained a soft spot for him, even after all his numerous screw-ups, and she'd grown to love the almost dysfunctional family dynamic of AAU, with Penny, Oliver, Michael and Malick.

Now, though, the thought that Oliver had lied and cheated - not just in his recent struggles, but all the way through his medical career - was confusing and upsetting. The thought that he'd destroyed his sister's confidence and watched her struggle, knowing full well that he was the cause, for well over half a decade enraged her. Then Frieda remembered the times his genuine want to help people had shone through, the times he'd saved people's lives, and his tragic death helping someone else with no thought for his own safety, and conflict raged within her. She could only imagine what it was doing to Penny - his sister, after all.

"Penny," she began, "I can only imagine what..." She stopped as she saw Penny looking at her - or more accurately - at where she was sitting.

"He was always there. He always talked to me, tried to cheer me up, kept at me not to quit..." Penny shook her head. "But all that time...he knew what he'd done...and he never said. I don't understand...!"

Frieda glanced down at where she was sitting. "Oh," she said in a small voice. "This is where he sat..." With this, her struggle to contain her emotions failed, and she let out a small sob, her eyes filling with tears.

Penny looked up at the sound, and her face fell. "Oh, Frieda," she whispered. "Frieda, I'm sorry. I was sitting here wallowing in self-pity, and I didn't think...I didn't think of what you must be going through as well."

Frieda tired to blink away the tears with little success, and she wiped her eyes with her sleeve quickly. "I'm fine," she said quickly. "You need to worry about yourself, not me..."

"No...Frieda, come here..." Penny shifted closer to Frieda and wrapped her arms around her, pulling Frieda into an embrace. Despite herself, Frieda gladly hugged her back. "I'm sorry," whispered Penny. "I know you really liked him."

"I did not have crush on him anymore," admitted Frieda. "But yes...I was fond of him. I...am like you - I do not know what to think now."

"I know..." Penny leaned over and kissed Frieda softly on the top of the head, nuzzling against the Ukrainian's hair. "I shouldn't have told you...I didn't want to put you in this position," she whispered.

Frieda was surprised by the contact, but welcomed it. "No...I asked you to tell me. You should not have to go through this by yourself...I take it no-one else knows?"

"No-one."

Frieda closed her eyes and relaxed into Penny's embrace. It felt incredibly good - something she had not realised she needed until it was given to her. "And...what will you do now? About this...information?"

"I don't know." Penny gave a hollow laugh. "There doesn't seem any point in telling anyone now. Nothing to be gained except ruining a dead man's reputation. And I...I can't do that. He died trying to save lives...that's how he should be remembered, shouldn't he? Not for his...not for...you know."

"Your parents...will you tell them?"

"I...no. No...things are...difficult enough between me and them at the moment. They haven't said anything, but...they were always closer to Oliver, and now...well, I don't think me telling them would help things."

Frieda's heart broke as she heard the pain in Penny's voice. She could only imagine exactly what was going on between Penny and her parents - there was obviously some major issues going on that Penny could not go into right now. Frieda desperately wanted to find out what was going on, to try to help - but she sensed that now would not be a good time to do that.

"Frieda?" Frieda pulled back to look at Penny. Her face was a mask of worry. "Can...I confess something to you?"

"Of course," said Frieda tentatively.

"And you promise that you won't hate me?"

Frieda reached up a hand to stroke Penny's face gently, and she gave her a reassuring smile. "I could never hate you. Be annoyed with you, yes. Wish you'd be less perky, yes. But hate you? Never."

Penny returned the smile nervously. "There's a part of me...a small part...that wants to tell everyone the truth...to show everyone that I was never the stupid one." She closed her eyes. "And I'd be willing to destroy my brother's memory to do that. There's still, even after all this, part of me that wants to do that. Can you believe that? I'm a terrible person...a terrible sister..."

"No..." Frieda pulled a surprised Penny to her and kissed her forehead softly, lingering against her skin. "Listen to me, Penny Valentine," she whispered firmly, "you are not bad person. Everyone has dark side. Everyone is tempted sometimes. It is how you react to these temptations that define you as a person."

"I'm not going to tell anyone. Not right now. Maybe not ever. I don't know if that's the right thing to do, or...I don't know. I just know that's the only solution I can live with right now." Penny pulled back and looked into Frieda's eyes. "I'm sorry...I've put you in a terrible..."

"Do not worry about me. I will not tell anyone either, you have my word."

"Do you..." Penny paused for a second. "Do you think this is the right thing to do?"

Frieda looked at Penny for a few moments, then gave a half-smile, half-shrug. "I don't know," she admitted tearfully. "I really don't."

"Me neither," said Penny helplessly. She took a deep breath and composed herself.

"You okay?" asked Frieda, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Penny gave a quick nod. "As well as can be expected," she said with a hollow smile.

"Thank you," said Frieda sincerely. "For trusting me with this. I know...it must be hard."

"You're the only person I do trust." Penny's tone was dead serious. "I mean it, Frieda. You are the only person right now I can rely on. I don't know what I would do without you."

"I..." Frieda was taken back by Penny's statement. She tried to lighten the mood a little. "That is little sad...I am not best person for that role. You need to meet more people if you think I can be relied on..."

"Don't. Just..." Penny took Frieda's hand and held it tight. "You always try to pass things off as a joke, or try to make people think you just shrug things off. But I know you...and I trust you. You're my best friend, Frieda. I honestly don't know what my life would be if you weren't in it."

Despite her discomfort with the level of intimacy, Frieda felt her own hand curl tighter around Penny's. "Thank you. I feel...I feel the same." She still felt slightly self-conscious about revealing so much of her own feelings, but Penny needed to know how much she cared. "You are...my best friend, too."

"I should tell you how much you mean to me more often. I don't want you to ever think that I take you for granted." Penny glanced downwards, suddenly shy. "There are a lot of things I need to tell you..."

She raised her head again, and her eyes locked with Frieda's. They looked into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity, the air between them crackling with things left unsaid. Frieda was suddenly filled with the desire to tell the other doctor exactly how she felt, and she sensed that Penny was feeling the same way. But...now was not an appropriate time. There was time enough for that after the healing was done. "I don't think I could take it if you did it more often," she said, trying to keep her tone light. "Could be quite embarrassing."

Thankfully, Penny seemed to sense what she was doing and went along with it. "I didn't know the mighty Frieda Petrenko could be embarrassed."

"Then I shall have to make sure you never see childhood photos." Frieda gave a small smile. There was a brief pause, and she gave a shrug and an empty laugh. "You know what? I have been trying since we started talking to think of a way to make you stay, to not resign. And I have nothing...I am really bad at this."

"You're better than you think."

"All I have...is this." Frieda reached over and cupped Penny's face in her hand. "Please, please do not quit. You are good...no, great doctor. I would miss you, on personal and professional level. And...you would not let me leave, so I should return favour." She shrugged. "That is all I have. Just...don't go."

"Oh, Frieda..." Penny leaned forward and hugged Frieda closely. "I'm not going. You're better at this than you think."

Frieda hugged her back tightly. "Good."

"Thank you," whispered Penny into Frieda's shoulder. "Besides, what kind of friend would I be if I abandoned you...slunk off in self-pity when you needed me? I know you're hurting too..."

"I will be okay." Frieda paused. "You think I need you?"

"I know I need you...and I also know that you're not quite as tough as you try to make out." Penny hugged Frieda tighter. "I'm sorry, Frieda. I should have been there for you more over the past few weeks."

"You had...your own problems. No need to worry about me at moment." Frieda allowed herself a smile. "I am glad that you are staying. Would be hard to maintain air of indifference towards you if I have to find excuses to be with you."

Penny smiled. "Is that you saying that you'd come see me even if we didn't work together?"

"Is as close to that as you get from me at moment, Valentine. I have a reputation, you know." Frieda gave Penny a final hug and pulled back. "So...what now?"

"Well..." Penny sighed. "Pull myself together. Go back to Malick, hope he's not too mad about the mess I caused today..."

"He isn't. He was just worried about you too. He is big pussycat, you know, inside."

"Why, Frieda, do I detect that you and Malick's relationship might have thawed a little? Maybe even progressed to maybe just a little bit of mutual affection?"

Frieda snorted. "Do not get me wrong. We can work together fine now...but affection? Not likely."

Penny smiled. "I know you better than that. You're just a...big pussycat too."

Frieda shot her best withering glance to Penny. "If you say so." She sat back against the wall again, Penny following suit. "Are...are you ready? To go back, I mean."

Penny looked over at her, and shook her head quickly. "Can...I have a few more minutes? Just to gather my thoughts."

Frieda nodded slowly. "Okay. You...want to be alone? I can..."

"No." Penny's response was swift and firm. "No...if it's okay with you...I'd like you to stay. I...feel more in control when you're around."

"Of course." Frieda rested her head on Penny's shoulder, and smiled when Penny did the same. "You do not need me to be in control, Penny. Earlier...I should have had more faith in you. You are stronger than you think. You came back to work and I should have supported you more."

"You already give me more support than you know," whispered Penny. "I...I really care about you, Frieda."

Frieda closed her eyes, relaxing against Penny. "I care about you too, Penny," she whispered. More than Penny realised right now.

With that, the two women fell into silence, leaning on each other, each supporting the other.