ENEMY, this fic, is my last fic. My last time submitting in the Animorphs category. I know that I haven't done Part II of A Warriors Way, or the last two "drode fics" after Chains of Fate: Bound to Evil and Tied to Sorrow. I also have a few other fics I'd been working on, but never really got to complete. They're not finished, and I'm a bit disappointed I didn't get a chance to complete them (especially Bount to Evil and Tied to Sorrow...I'm really proud of those), but I think it's time for me to "quit." I've enjoyed being a part of FFN, maybe more than you can imagine, but I want to (and kind of have to) move on. Maybe you've noticed I've been gone for a month (~meekly~ I was grounded...Christy knows why...), but even before that I was planning on "resigning." And so sprang ENEMY, the last fanfic I was going to submit, along with my little note of resignation.
When I started Animorphs fanfiction, I began with writing Rachel and Tobias stuff (at fanfic.net...). Though most likely a lot better (I hope) than what I started out writing, I thought it'd be kind of ironic if I wrote a R/T fic to end my time writing Ani-fanfiction. Also, I love the idea, because it's unique (again, I hope) and, even though maybe, at times, a bit OOC for Rachel, I think it's quite an interesting play on her life after the war. And so, I present to you my last gift (at least, I hope it's a gift...) to the Animorphs section at FFN. I hope you have better luck than me with staying (if you want to, that is), I hope that maybe I touched your life in some little way with my writing (doesn't every author?), and, last but not least, I hope that you enjoy ENEMY as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'll miss you all.
Of course, as always, I have a few certain people to thank - Ax's Girl, RenegadeLegacy, Starfish, Christy_986, Chard, Sky Sorceress, and AniSky for helping me with this. I really owe all you guys...not only for this fic but for all of my fanfiction...and everything else. You're all so awesome.
I want to dedicate my last Animorphs fanfic to all Animorphs authors out there - or, hey, authors in general - all of you that have helped me, touched my life, affected me with your writing, or anyone else, for that matter. I guess, in a way, I'm dedicating this to the whole of FFN itself. A dedication, a goodbye, and a thank you. You all deserve thanks, for helping me so much during my time here. This is for you, all of you. Thank you. ;)
ENEMY
She stands frozen, her icy gaze sweeping over her surroundings. Surveying her position.
"Where am I?" she snaps irritably. "Is this a dream?"
WHO CAN SEPERATE DREAMS FROM REALITY?
She hears the bodiless voice and rolls her pale blue eyes. "What now? More offers, more bargains? More meddling?" Before an answer comes, she speaks again. "You know what, Ellimist?" She spits the word angrily. "I'm tired of you and your interfering-that's-not-interfering. We've all had enough. What have we actually gained, huh?"
PERHAPS MORE THAN YOU THINK. "WE," AS YOU HAVE PUT IT, HAVE NOT LOST AS OF YET, NOW HAVE WE?
"What does not losing matter if we do not win?" she demands. "Is a stalemate any cause for celebration?"
IS KILLING INNOCENTS?
"Hypocrite," she mutters. A cool breeze blows her hair about her face, and she shivers.
AM I A HYPOCRITE, THEN?
She remains silent, without a response.
AS MUCH AS THE YEERKS ARE "OUR" ENEMY, YES?
Her eyes snap open, wide and alert. "You're saying they're not?"
ARE THEY?
"Yes," she snaps defensively. Then, "No?"
YES? OR NO? WHICH IS YOUR ANSWER?
"Is this some sort of trap?" she questions suspiciously, eyes narrowed.
A TRAP?
"Yes...I don't know," she sighs. "What are you saying?"
WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M SAYING?
"Answer me with a proper answer, not a question, if you wouldn't mind?" she requests icily.
I'M AFRAID I CAN GIVE YOU ONLY THE ANSWERS TO WHAT YOU KNOW.
"So you're no help at all, is what you're saying," she laughs, with a bitterness in her voice. "Why exactly am I here, then? What do you want?"
YOU HAVE A BATTLE SOON APPROACHING, YES?
She nods silently.
ARE YOU PREPARED?
Her head jerks up, her eyes bright and angry. Then she sighs, realizing no challenge of her fighting was meant. "Prepared?" she echoes. "As prepared as ever, Ellimist."
IS THAT WHAT YOU BELIEVE?
Her eyes narrow. "Is something going to happen?"
WHO CAN KNOW THE FUTURE?
She sighs, clearly annoyed. "Something's going to happen."
AND ARE YOU PREPARED?
Again, she glares. Nowhere in particular, as the being speaking is nowhere to be seen, but she glares nevertheless. "Perhaps I would be, if I knew what was going to happen-" she begins, her voice slightly angry.
PATIENCE.
"What good is patience and wisdom and morals and peace and love if the people spouting these ideals end up dead?" she yells.
YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN ALL OF THESE THINGS?
She sighs, subdued to a more calm tone. "I-" she begins, then stops. Hesitates. "Do I?"
ONLY YOU KNOW THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS, RACHEL. THE ANSWERS LIE IN YOU.
She opens her mouth. Shuts it. Remains silent.
LOVE THE ENEMY, RACHEL. LOVE THE ENEMY AND YOU SHALL LOVE YOURSELF.
"What?" Her question hangs in the air as she disappears.
I awoke abruptly, shaken by a dream I could not recall. The anamnesis tempted me, floating just beyond my reach. Something...almost...
Shaking off the feeling, I rubbed my eyes and looked towards the clock. It blinked 9:47. I sighed, then sat bolt upright. Tobias! He was going to come...get me for the mission... I had fallen asleep while waiting! What time had he said? 10:00? Or had it been 9:30? I shivered in the cool air blowing from the open window. I was freezing in my bare feet, but could not close it. I searched my memory frantically for his words, all traces of the dream forgotten.
"Rachel?" Jordan called from the hallway. "You in there?"
I hesitated, then called, "Yeah." A moment later, the door opened and she walked in.
"Why's the window open? It's freezing!" Before I could answer, she pushed on, a determined look on her face. "How can you be so mean to Sara?" she demanded, watching me accusingly. I stared back at her, bewildered. "Okay, ignore me, I don't care. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. But Sara? She thinks you hate her! Do you? Do you hate her? Or Mom? Or me?"
I was startled by her sudden onslaught, having just awoken and having been distracted by the thought of the mission. "Of...of course not, Jordan. But...I, well-"
"You know something, Rachel? Sometimes I hate you. You know why? Because you don't even know what you're doing! She cried herself to sleep tonight, Rachel, and do you even remember what you did to hurt her feelings?"
I felt a pang of guilt, trying to focus on her words. "No..."
"See!" Jordan's expression was a mixture of triumph, disgust, and hurt all at the same time. "You don't care, do you? And Mom! She's so worried about you, and you don't even know it!"
"She - she's always working on a case," I protested weakly, turning my head slightly so I could watch the window. I felt guilty, only half listening, but the mission was first priority. Always. No matter what. No matter what. I winced, hearing how harsh those words sounded. Cold. Unfeeling. Me.
"She took off a whole day last week, Rachel, to 'get back in touch with her daughters.' But you, you were gone from after school until who knows when, doing something with Cassie or whatever your excuse was. I guess that ruined her plan, now didn't it?" I winced. I'd come in at 12:30 that night, weary and exhausted from a mission, and was nearly grounded for a month. Mom hadn't said anything about taking off work, though.
"I'm sorry, Jordan," I said tiredly. "Is that what you want, an apology?"
"No," she retorted stubbornly. "I want a sister."
"Jordan..." I started, touched by her angry words.
Rachel?>
Tobias...the mission! "I - Jordan, I-"
"I guess that's too much to ask, though," she snapped harshly.
"No, really, I - we'll talk about it later, okay?"
"Later, later, later," she echoed. "You don't understand, do you. You never will. I'm not three anymore. I've learned, okay, Rachel? With you, there never is a later!" She stalked out the door, slamming it behind her. I wanted to follow, to explain somehow, but Tobias was waiting. The mission. More than ever, I resented how the war was taking over my life.
Rachel?> Tobias called again.
"I'm coming!" I snapped irritably. Was it my fault I was an Animorph? Was it my fault that I had to go risk my life all the time for the good of the world? I started to morph owl, feeling my features melt and harden into a beak. My skin turned feathery and I began to swiftly shrink, becoming more birdlike in shape.
You okay, Rachel?>
Fine,> I said tersely, testing my wings. My inner organs gave a last, nauseous shifting and I pushed off, aiming for the open window. Got the finishing touches?> I added, changing the subject. The mission had been Marco's idea, his planning. Of course, with Cassie's input, as she had decided what morph would be best. Unfortunately. The rest of us had gotten our morphs the day before, through the connections of a..."friend." At best.
Marco changed his mind,> Tobias replied grimly. Actually, Jake thought it would be better to have backup, so he changed Marco's mind.>
What?>
You, me, and Cassie are the lucky ones. We get to...well...carry out the original plan. Marco and Jake are going battle morphs.>
I secretly resented that - being left out of the fight. The real battle. Instead, I would be... I shuddered.
It's really better that way, Rach,> Tobias said, maybe sensing my resentment. I only have to make one trip then, instead of two.>
Yeah...> I laughed. It sounded fake, hollow, to me. Most likely to Tobias too. Well come on, let's go get it over with.>
I followed him as he fluttered off, out into the cool night air, soaring over the trees. I could see every detail below me, lit as bright as if it were day. My eyes were drawn to a mouse, sniffing cautiously as it poked its head out of its hiding place. I looked away, back towards our destination.
Marco and Jake will distract them, while Ax taps into the computer to find who the voluntary hosts are. Like we planned. You and Cassie morph, and I stay hawk to fly over the Yeerk pool with you. Once you're safe there, I dive into the pool and morph Yeerk too.>
And we infest who Ax tells us to?>
Exactly,> he responded.
Tobias, this...> I trailed off. I had been ready to say that this was one of our worst missions. The morph...the idea...
What?>
Never mind.> Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to say it. Couldn't bring myself to admit that the idea of morphing Yeerk just to infest someone - even a voluntary host - bothered me. It was wrong. I knew that. But necessary. That was what Marco had seen - the necessary part of it. I guess I was expected to see the reckless, dangerous part of it. I knew we had to do it, that it was harder to get information now. The Chee didn't know what Visser Three's new plans were, only that there were some. And we had to find out.
Tobias was silent for a moment, soaring easily on the night breezes. I let my mind drift away from the upcoming mission, thinking suddenly back on Jordan's brief but angry message. Do you even remember what you did to hurt her feelings? she had demanded. I searched my memory. What had I done to so upset Sara...and Jordan? More than usual...More than usual, I mimicked myself angrily. So it's become routine behavior to upset your sisters, and all you care is that today it was more than usual?
Rachel!>
I suddenly realized he had called my name several times. Silently hating myself at that moment, hating what I'd become - in the war and out of it - I turned towards him. What?>
We're, uh, there.>
I looked up to see the familiar structure of the mall below me. Where're the others?> I questioned, beginning to become irritated that I only knew parts of the plan.
They're meeting us there.>
We all knew where "there" was. The Yeerk Pool. I sighed.
Then come on.>
"Ready, Cassie?" I whispered, about ten minutes later, after we had gotten inside the Yeerk Pool with little problems. Cassie and I had demorphed, preparing to morph Yeerk, and Tobias was perched on my shoulder, ready to carry us when we were done. We were waiting for Ax's signal. Ax, Marco, and Jake were on the other side of the pool, doing battle morphs.
"Ready as I'll ever be," she whispered back.
We are prepared, Rachel and Cassie,> Ax said finally, and immediately we started morphing. I felt the changes begin, and shuddered. Yeerk. I was morphing a Yeerk.
You okay, Rach?> Cassie asked after a moment.
Okay?> I rolled my eyes - my eyes that were swiftly melting into slime that was seeping from my pores to cover my body. Oh, eww,> I commented. This is just gross. But yeah, I'm okay.>
It's bad the first time,> Cassie said. If it was supposed to comfort me, it didn't help. She paused. Okay, it's bad the second time too.>
So are we, Ax,> Cassie finally called, as I felt my organs - what organs I had left - shift one last time and finally the changes stopped.
After a moment, Tobias announced, Okay, I've got them in my talons. Rach, Cassie, I've got you.>
We're ready too,> Jake called.
I grinned mentally. Then let's do it!>
Tobias took off, flapping hard. At the same time, I assumed Jake and Marco were attacking, while Ax slipped to the computer.
Almost...there...> Tobias informed us. And then, a few seconds later, Okay, they're shooting at me. And Jake... But I'm over the pool.>
Drop us!> Cassie called.
After a moment, I felt myself drop into the Yeerk pool, felt sludgy liquid surround me...felt horrifyingly right, horrifyingly at home. Cassie,> I said. The Yeerk senses...in the Yeerk pool...>
Start moving,> she directed. And I know. The...they think it's kind of like home.>
How am I supposed to move?> I demanded, a little annoyed at a totally new morph that I couldn't work with. And not to mention frustrated. This is crazy - we'll never get anywhere! We should have tried it first!>
Scrunch up your body, and then kind of elongate,> Cassie explained. I don't know, just let the Yeerk senses take over.> I sighed, but tried. After what seemed at least a couple minutes, I began moving. Not at an incredible speed, but it was enough. Where are you, Cassie?>
I don't know! I can't find you. Just...start going for the piers. You can use sonar, and scan the pool...>
This was all wrong! It seemed like a fine plan when we had come up with it, but everything wasn't going as planned...
And then, Rachel?>
Tobias! Where are you? Did you morph Yeerk?>
No, Rachel...they have us. Jake, Marco, and I. Ax is trying to fight Visser Three, but he's morphing...> His thought speak faded.
Tobias! No! Cassie!>
What?> she asked, distracted. I can't find my way around, Rachel. This is all wrong. What's happening? Can't Ax get the names?>
No...> I managed. Cassie, they...Jake, Marco, and Tobias, they...>
Rachel? Cassie?>
Jake!> Cassie yelled. What's going on? What's happening?>
Don't demorph,> he ordered. Visser Three's here, and...>
I don't care!> Cassie cried. I'm not just letting them take you!>
Cassie...>
That's it!> I yelled. I'm demorphing!>
Wait!> Cassie called. Rach, maybe if we can infest them, it'll seem like they were infested by real Yeerks and we can just leave...>
But there's four of them, two of us!>
Oh.> There was a long pause. Well what do we do?> She sounded panicked. I was panicked. What were we supposed to do?
I'm demorphing! We have to!>
Moments later, I was growing. Stretching. Feeling mucus roll off of my skin like water, my tail stretch and seperate into two legs...I was human. Human, but with no air, and trapped beneath the surface. If I took a breath, they would see me. But maybe they already knew! Maybe...they knew our secret already...
My vision was awash with red, and my head throbbed. Giving in, I rose to the surface, pushing aside the bodies of the Yeerks brushing against me. Tentatively I stuck my head above the water - just a little bit, just enough to get air. The sight that greeted my eyes was not comforting. No one was paying attention to me - all their attention was on a scene across the Yeerk pool, a scene that, until now, had only happened in my nightmares...
I almost opened my mouth to cry out, but then remembered where I was. And in what form. I had to morph...somehow...had to save them...
But I couldn't. For at that moment, my eyes were drawn to the still form that lay unmoving on the ground beside the visser. The Andalite that...the pool of dark blood pooling below his body...
At that moment, Tobias - struggling in the grip of a Hork-Bajir - sighted me. Rachel! No! No! Save yourself!>
I tried to answer. But I was human, and couldn't speak. The best I could do was shake my head, feeling the Yeerk pool liquid dripping off my hair as I slid back slightly, hidden halfway by the pier.
Two seconds later, chaos erupted. From the Yeerk pool rose a monster, a four-legged creature, covered in gray, sludgy liquid from the Yeerk pool. It snarled and leaped out, shaking itself and racing towards...
"Cassie?" I mouthed, unable to make a sound. The Hork-Bajir reacted instantly, grabbing for Dracon beams and rushing to stop her. For a moment my view was blocked, and I tried frantically to see, forgetting the danger of even showing myself. I knew, in the back of my mind, that I too should morph, but I couldn't bring myself to. My eyes were riveted upon the scene before me.
Nooooo...!>
I don't know who cried out. Tobias...Marco...maybe it was just my own silent scream echoing in my own head. But we all saw it. The Hork-Bajir were too far away, caught too much by surprise. But then the host at the infestation pier reacted. He had just been infested. He stood, and with an inhuman speed grabbed the Dracon beam from the Hork-Bajir beside him and extended his arm, his finger on the trigger.
It was at that moment that I recognized him.
Jake.
JAKE!>
He laughed. Jake laughed. And he pulled the trigger.
Cassie didn't even cry out. She didn't have a chance to. The Dracon beam had to have been set at maximum power, it was so powerful. And he never released the trigger. Just kept it pointed at her limp body and kept shooting like a man gone insane...
Irril 4922! Stop your actions this instant!> the visser cried.
The Dracon beam clattered to the floor.
I congratulate you,> Visser Three continued, his voice more calm now. You have conquered one - no, two of our imfamous "Andalite bandits." You will be promoted, to be sure.>
Jake/Irril 4922 walked forward. "I have much information for you, Visser Three."
His body gave a spasm, but he shook it off. "We know the truth. But not only that - we know more. All the secrets they have been hiding. Everything!"
Visser Three looked incredibly smug. Everything?> His voice was like poison to my ears. Hahahaha! The bandits have been caught! Earth...is...MINE!>
I slid below the surface, morphing frantically. I didn't know what - didn't care. No matter where I went, no matter what form, I could still hear his thought-speak, echoing throughout the Yeerk pool...his evil laughter resounding in my ears...and burned in my mind forever was the picture of Jake...Irril...Cassie...
NOOOOO!>
The memories, the sounds, the guilt...it all swirled through my mind, driving me insane, leaving me only half-conscious. I went half-mad, lost in my own mind, lost in the morph...
Rachel?>
Rachel? Who was Rachel?
I was...I was no one.
Rachel!>
No! Rachel! Nooo!>
I shut out the voices. All the voices. What did I care for them? And who were they, to care for me? I was no one.
I was Yeerk.
I went nowhere in particular, swimming pointlessly, my mind whirling...
Love the enemy, Rachel, a voice echoed through my head. Rachel? Was I Rachel? How could I be?
No, someone yelled. I want a sister!
Don't demorph, another person screamed. You'll die! Was it a memory? Was it now? I couldn't tell...
Rachel, someone sneered. At me? Rachel? My very favorite Animorph.
Animorph?
I tried to put my mind in order. Jake...I had been...Cassie was...
Cassie!
Noo...> I wailed, plunging back into the madness. Cassie!!>
Cassie's gone, my mind said calmly. Everyone is gone.
I swam in circles, lost in my own mind, lost in the memories that swarmed my mind, threatened to overwhelm me. For what seemed like forever, I was barely aware of where, what, I was, just lost in the past. Mistakes. Advice. Battles...people...me...
Look, bad stuff happens, a voice said. Familiar. Mine? Was it mine? Doesn't mean it's going to happen to you.
But it has,> I moaned, trying to...to talk to...a memory? What was I-
You have to put up a wall between you and the fear, the memory continued, teasing my mind with its familiarity. Who...when...I almost... You have to cut yourself off from it, tell yourself you're safe. Bad stuff only happens to people who are careless or stupid or evil.
But Cassie...she wasn't...>
Cassie?
Who was Cassie? Who was I?
Rachel. I am Rachel.
All Yeerks,> someone announced, jolting me from my trance. All Yeerks in thought-speak range!>
All Yeerks,> I heard the visser boom again. The Council of Three has been contacted. Because the Andalite bandits have been sucessfully caught and dealt with-> I felt a pain at that, -they have agreed for the full-scale invasion we've been hoping for. Already many hosts have been brought into the Pool, ready for infestation!>
He paused, then continued. All Yeerks without a host, report to the infestation pier now! We shall infest all of Earth!>
Before I could swim the other way, many of the Yeerks around me began swimming frantically towards the pier. There were so many, I was carried along in their wake, fighting to escape. I tried to demorph...my mind panicking...and nothing happened. Nothing...
Noooooo!!>
I tried again. Frantically. Nothing. I was Yeerk.
Noooo! Oh, God, I'm a nothlit! I'm a Yeerk! Somebody...I'm trapped...>
But somehow, the excitement of the other Yeerks passed to me, and the Yeerk brain took over. My own mind - still reeling and confused - was pushed back as I shoved forward towards the pier. A host! I would have a host!
What are you doing, Rachel?!
I wasn't Rachel. I was just a Yeerk. Just a Yeerk.
The Yeerk Endor 1974, or the new Visser Sixteen, will complete the invasion of Earth, as I have been...promoted,> the Visser laughed. Not Visser Two, not Visser One even...but a Councilor. A member of the Council of Thirteen!>
Well,> he amended after a moment, as if someone had spoken to him, almost. But by a week, I shall be one of the thirteen most powerful Yeerks in the entire empire!>
I stopped listening. My goal was to infest a host. I was...almost there...
No!
Another Yeerk pushed in front of me, as eager as I. Angrily I shoved it aside, thrusting forward as hard as I could.
The Yeerk took over instinctively, releasing a painkiller and squeezing inside the ear. It - no, I - moved further into the brain, stretching and stretching until I was so thin neurons could fire through me. And I connected to the brain.
What am I doing? I'm - I'm a Yeerk! Oh God, I'm a Yeerk!
I am Rachel,> I nearly yelled to reassure myself. I am Rachel, I am Rachel, I am Rachel!> But I wasn't. Not anymore. I was just a Yeerk, just another hated parasite. Just another one of the enemies my friends had fought only hours earlier...
The first thing I felt after connecting to the man's brain was panic. Panic and confusion. I felt like reassuring him, but what could I say? Don't worry. I'm supposed to be saving you, but instead I've become the evil I was fighting. Still, everything should be okay. Don't panic.
What could I do? I almost laughed. I was a Yeerk. But I was a human. I was an Animorph. But I was the enemy.
The man's panic grew when he realized he lacked control. There he knelt, on the pier, with me in his head. Controlling him. But I didn't know how to, didn't know what parts of the brain to use...didn't want to...
I felt hands on my - his - arm, pulling me up. Helping me. Frantically I finished connecting to his brain, reaching not only memories but the parts of the brain that controlled movement. Movement, and his eyes. I slowly opened one eye, then the other, as what looked like heaven unfolded before my vision. Even in the Yeerk Pool, what I saw seemed like paradise. Colors...shapes...
Stop it, Rachel! I commanded myself. You...are...not...Yeerk! You've had sight, in your own form. It should not amaze you. You've seen all of this, with disgust, before. It should not be paradise for you. You're Rachel. You're Rachel.
Wh-who are you?> the man finally asked.
I was startled. He was brave, this man. He had just lost his freedom, most likely for the rest of his life, and he was still asking questions.
Who are you?> he repeated, a little less shakily this time.
I...I'm...> I stopped. Who was I? Unable to explain, I simply opened my memories to him. He stayed silent for a long moment, witnessing our battles. Our struggles. Receiving knowledge of the Yeerks, the Andalites...us Animorphs...
Quietly, after a moment, he said, My name's Gerald.>
Just as softly, I replied simply, I was Rachel.>
Was?> he questioned.
How am I Rachel now?> I demanded, more angry than I meant. I began moving away from the pier, trying to be inconspicious. My walking, in the beginning, was a bit shaky, but I improved as we went along. I'm a Yeerk! Look at me...Gerald. You've seen. You've seen what Yeerks do - parasites, taking control of people, using the bodies of others as their own. And you've seen us - the supposed Andalites - fighting them. Why? Because...because it's wrong. And now I'm doing it! Now I'm one of them!>
Can't you resume your...other form?> he finally asked.
I had shown him, in my rush, only snatches of memory. Bits and pieces. Two hour limit,> I whispered, thinking suddenly of Tobias. Wondering, quickly, who of the others were now Controllers...were now dead... If...if you morph, like I did, and you exceed the two hour limit, you're trapped forever.>
I was beginning to realize the tightness of the bond a Yeerk and host shared. He felt a wave of sadness from me, that much for sure, if not a sudden memory of Tobias. He said nothing, understanding my sorrow. In the unusual silence, I opened various other parts of the brain, trying to familiarize myself with it. Not for too long, Rachel, I reminded myself coldly. Remember that.
His name was Gerald, Gerald Calvin. A veteran of the Vietnam War, he'd most likely seen enough battles to have as many nightmares as I...
I kept stumbling into memories, opening things I didn't mean to open, violating every rule I'd ever made for myself, invading his privacy completely and totally...
You're a Yeerk, Rachel, I told myself icily. You have no rules.
You must pass as a Yeerk,> Gerald said suddenly. You will have to transform yourself...Rachel...even more so than in form. Do you see? You'll have to become a Yeerk to survive.>
What if I don't want to survive?> I demanded tiredly.
What if we need you to?> he countered.
We?>
Yes. We. Earth.> He paused, remembering what I had shown him. Maybe even farther.>
Earth doesn't need me,> I sighed. No one does. I failed you already...>
So you're giving up.>
I hesitated.
A few of us, we...we used to have a saying, back in Vietnam. We used to say, "Give up now and lose hope, give up hope and lose life, but give up never and what'll you have to lose?">
That was...that was then,> I said finally. This is now.>
No, this is forever. You give up on us, on yourself, on your friends...on ever knowing peace...it's forever. It's well and good for you to feel guilty about your situation and your friends, but to sentence all of us...me, them, your family, your other friends...>
It's not my fault!> I yelled, my anger - more at myself than anything else - overpowering my sorrow. It's too late already!>
He was silent. I sighed. I'm...I'm sorry. But my friends are dead...or worse...and here I am, ready to become the very thing that's done this to them. I've failed Earth and its people and the Andalites and all the other free peoples in the galaxy...even those that aren't free but could be...>
It's not too late.>
Now it was my turn to be silent. He didn't understand!
No offense meant, Rachel. But I saw my best friend die in my arms, saw my year-long companions sacrifice their own lives just to save mine, just to get me home safe to my family...well what about them? What about their families? I saw the bravest men I ever knew go down fighting, and still brave to the end...saw some sights no man should ever witness, went through enough to->
He broke off. After a moment I realized he was crying - trying to, anyway. In his own mind. With cold anger at myself, I realized I held control of his tear ducts.
Haven't thought of that for years,> he managed. Was just...you saw it...you opened just a little bit of Vietnam and it all came pouring back...>
Softly, I said, I'm sorry.>
No, I'm sorry. But I do understand, and I understand your need to...to somehow solve things, to make up for what you did or didn't do...>
I clenched my - his - jaw. I->
Give me some typical Yeerk names,> he requested. I was startled, suddenly on a different subject.
What?>
Yeerk names.>
Well...> I began, uncertain, we knew Aftran and Illim...> I paused. Visser Three's Yeerk name is...is Esplin 9466.>
There was a long pause from him, as if he was thinking deeply. For once his thoughts were cut off from me, and I didn't pursue them.
Adrin.>
What?>
Adrin. That is your name now.>
Adrin?> I questioned. Testing it, perhaps. Numbers. I need numbers after it.>
He paused again, but for a shorter amount of time. Adrin...2584.>
Adrin 2584,> I repeated. Adrin 2584.>
And you will live,> he said. You will live, Adrin 2584, because you are not giving up.>
But->
You're a warrior, Rachel. Adrin. Warriors don't give in, do they?>
I'm not a warrior,> I replied angrily. I'm a coward. A weak...I ran away, Gerald! I ran away! Me! Xena! Rachel, the one "addicted to the war," ran away!>
Everyone runs sometimes,> Gerald replied calmly. Everyone has a time when they can't face up to something, and they do what they have to. It's instinctive...Adrin. When there's something you can't overcome, you retreat. And maybe later, maybe after you've figured out a way to overcome that difficulty, some way to beat it, maybe then you'll face it again, and you won't run away.>
There is no later!> I cried. They're all dead or...or worse! It's too late!>
Gerald stayed silent for a moment, then answered me quietly. Think what you'd like. But in the end, you'll come to see that that's the way it is. You did the right thing, at least in my eyes. Instead of dying - bravely, maybe, but still dying - with them, or sacrificing your freedom, you escaped. The only way you could. And now maybe you can save...save who is left. And if not, you can save us.>
I can't save anyone,> I said tiredly. I can't even save myself.>
Are you prepared? a voice taunted me. I couldn't think what it was. Are you prepared?
No! No, I wasn't. I know I wasn't. I thought I was but...
We've lost, I thought hopelessly. We've lost and the only reason I'm still alive is because I showed true...true cowardice and retreated, hid as the enemy...
I felt the unbearable urge to cry. Not only had we lost, but I had lost. My own battle with myself, my...I...the way I tried to stay between both extremes, between "Mean Rachel" and "Nice Rachel"...the way I didn't want to become too absorbed in the war, but still not be a coward...
Ra...Adrin?>
I ignored him. What did I care? I didn't know him.
He helped save you, Rachel.
Save me from what? My own conscience? I was a Yeerk, after all. Who was he? Just a host.
Shut up, Rachel.
I wasn't Rachel. For real, I wasn't Rachel. I was...I was just a Yeerk. I was Adrin 2584.
Adrin? Rachel? Are you all right?>
I pushed away, blocking out all his concerned questioning. All I needed was time alone, just...just to cry and cry and cry...
But crying was weak.
You are weak.
I ran away once. I wouldn't do it again-
What do you think this is? Not running away?
I ignored everything, buried myself within the depths of my mind, and hid away in my own sorrow. No one could bother me, not if I hid deep enough. Not if I ran far enough. Not if I cried hard enough. Not if I...if only I could forget...oh, if only I could forget.
I stood on the pier, waiting, listening patiently to Sub-Visser Nineteen. Gerald was silent, listening as well. For all the time he had been my host - nearly four years, was it? - we had rarely been bothered by others. Not until now. Not until Sub-Visser Nineteen had purposely sought me out, sought out Adrin 2584 with a reason.
"You will be transferred to a new host," he told me. "There is a problem, with our human hosts growing older and incapable of the things they were before. For this reason, we have ordered that more human children are concieved. Because of this, we need caretakers of the young until they are old enough to be infested. Your host is aging, Adrin 2584. You will infest a new, young host by the name of Kay. In her body you will become one of the caretakers of the young human children."
"Yes, Sub-Visser Nineteen," I said coolly. Inside, I was panicking.
What do I do, Gerald? I can't just...I can't just leave you! You've been my host for so long - years!>
It is all right, Rachel. My time is up.>
"What...will happen to the aging hosts?" I asked, forcefully casual, of Sub-Visser Nineteen.
"They will be killed. Now go, swim in the Yeerk pool. When you emerge, you will infest your new host. Your old host will be disposed of."
"Yes, Sub-Visser Nineteen," I responded, and knelt down on the pier obediently.
Gerald! You'll be...>
Killed. Yes, I know. I do not mind, Rachel. You will understand when you die. When it is truly your time, you will know. And you won't mind anymore.>
But->
It is for the best. If I were infested by someone else, they would know your secret. It is necessary that I am killed.>
Gerald...>
Remember this, Rachel. Remember all I have taught you, and...and that the only thing you can never escape by running is yourself.>
I was in the process of disconnecting myself from his brain, and only half heard. Thank you, Gerald,> I whispered, and slipped out of his ear, plunging into the Yeerk pool as I had done so many times before. However, this time...this time I would never see him again.
I swam in the pool for long enough to absorb enough Kandrona rays so that I could last for three days, and then my host was brought to the infestation pier. I slipped inside her ear, releasing a painkiller with the ease of practice, and slid inside, connecting to her brain. Kay, they had said her name was?
K-Kay?> I said nervously. For nearly four years, I had only had Gerald as a host. I did not know what to say, how to say it, what to do...
Walk, I told myself. Act like a Yeerk, for God's sake.
In connecting to her mind, I discovered a little more about her. Her name was Kaitlin, but she had gone by Kay her whole life. She was eighteen years old. I felt a pang of sadness at that. She should be graduating, going to her prom, choosing a college...not enduring life as a slave to alien parasites. Startled, I realized that...that I too would be doing such if we had continued our normal lives. I'm eighteen? I thought. It's been that long?
Who are you?> Kay asked, her voice icy.
Me...?>
Who else?> she snapped. Yes, you, Yeerk.>
I - I'm Adrin 2584.> I paused, hesitating. Should I tell her?
Well...Adrin 2584,> she said, her voice full of contempt, I care nothing for your pathetic life. You may have control of my body, but you're nothing but a stupid parasitic alien, a worthless slug.>
Funny,> I said. I used to hold the same view.>
What?> she said, taken aback by my comment.
Yes, Kay,> I said coolly. I used to be like you.>
Shut up,> she said, angrily. A cold anger. I don't need your crap.>
Kay, if you'll only listen...>
But no matter what I said, no matter how much I tried to explain, she did not respond, hiding within her own mind, ignoring me patiently. And what scared me the most was that she reminded me, much too much, of the way I might have become.
"This is where you will care for the human children," Sub-Visser Nineteen told me a week later, directing me down the hall. I was to start my job that day. "You will sleep in the dormitory with the other caretakers across the hall, and devote your daily hours to the human young. Do what you wish to make them mind, but if they are harmed, you will have me to face." Smirking, he walked away.
Well?> Kay demanded after a long moment of silence. Are you going to actually enter, or just stare at the room all day?>
I pushed open the heavy steel doors with prison-like windows on the top, and entered. No one was to be seen besides the children, ranging in age from babies to around what I guessed to be age eight. Looking again for another Controller with the same job as I and seeing no one, I walked over to the nearest child. She regarded me warily, her blue eyes wide and depthless. A dark curtain of hair hung down her back, and I wondered briefly if it had ever even been cut. "What's your name, sweetie?" I whispered, crouching down to her level. Her innocence drew me to her. Her eyes followed me, untrusting and yet still hopeful. Sticking her thumb in her mouth, she simply shook her head. "Haven't you got one?" I asked incredulously. She shook her head again. "How old are you, then?"
"Dunno," she mumbled from around her thumb. She seemed young, around three, but it was hard to judge.
"Are you...are you hungry or thirsty?" I asked gently. I felt a sudden need, an urge, to help the little girl. She was so helpless, so innocent. She reminded me painfully of Sara, or even the daughter I might have had someday. Thinking of Sara, my mind drifted to Jordan. Oh God...Jordan...Sara...Mom...my family... While in Gerald, I had pushed all the memories away. Pushed the painful act of remembering away from me...
The girl hesitated, watching me curiously, and then gave a slight nod. "Yeth," she added after a moment, and I reached out for her hand. She took a step back, startled and wary, but then reached back out to clutch my fingers tightly.
"C'mon, sweetie," I said, leading her gently through the room. It made me want to cry, knowing there was no hope for these children - sentenced to be born into slavery and to die in slavery. There was nothing up ahead for the poor girl, nothing but infestation and life as a host.
I'm sorry, I thought silently. To her, to all of them. We - I - failed you all. I'm sorry.
Kay was silent. Perhaps the plight of these children was enough to touch even her heart.
The girl tugged on my hand, and when I looked down, she started back at me with undisguised terror. I looked forward to see two Hork-Bajir dragging a pregnant woman down the hall. "Oh, honey," I said, smoothing her hair gently, "it's okay. Don't be afraid of the...the monsters." Her grip on my hand tightened, and her gaze was so innocent and trusting...
If you're trying to pass as a Yeerk, Rachel,> Kay finally muttered, you're not doing such a good job anymore. You think they're gonna believe that Adrin 2584 would be so...compassionate? So...caring?> I had finally been able to explain my identity to her, but she remained contemptuous and cold.
My job,> I replied in a tone cold enough to match her own, is to care for these children. And care for them I shall.>
Your job, Rachel, is to make sure they don't bother the others. That's all.>
I ignored her, and she was silent, slipping into one of her moods where she said nothing for hours. It scared me, sometimes, because now and then Kay would remind me of how I had been. How I would have become. Cold...unfeeling...hateful...
See? someone shouted at me. A memory. Jordan... You don't care, do you?
"Come on," I said, pushing my thoughts away and leading the little girl out of the room and down the hall. She followed me willingly, trustingly. The painful thought occured to me that she had most likely never had anyone as kind to her before. "Would it be...would it be okay if I called you Erica? You need a name, sweetie. My name...my name is Adrin."
"Ad-drin," she repeated. "Er'ca."
I stood at the end of the hallway, looking through the doors at the adult cafeteria. I had no idea where else I was supposed to get her food. "Stay here...Erica," I said. "I'll go get you something to eat, all right?"
She suddenly clutched my knees tightly, burying her face into my leg. "No!" she wailed. "Not come back!"
I knelt down to her level, wiping a tear from her cheek. "I'll come back," I assured her gently. "I promise. I promise I'll come back."
She shook her head, continuing to cry.
I pulled over a chair and lifted her up so she could see through the door. "Here. Now you can watch me go in there, and make sure I come back. All right?"
Still crying, she nodded slightly. I smoothed her hair back and smiled. "I won't leave you, sweetie. Don't worry." Turning, I pushed open the other door and walked into the large room, getting into the line. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Erica's face pressed against the thick glass, watching me intensely. I smiled and turned back around.
"It's not your time to collect your food," the woman serving said, narrowing her eyes at me.
"I - well you see, I'm just trying to get some food for the children-"
"Not here."
"Can I at least have some water?"
Grudgingly, the woman handed me a bottle. "Don't come back until it's your time," she called after me as I walked away. "Or I'll complain to Visser Fourteen!"
"I won't," I muttered under my breath, as I returned to Erica. Her eyes were wide as I shut the door behind me and helped her down from the chair. "See, Erica? I came back."
She nodded solemnly. I unscrewed the top and handed her the bottle. She had some difficulty with it, but managed to drink the majority. "What do you say we go back to the others?" I asked gently when she was finished. She handed the bottle back to me, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and nodded slightly, still watching me carefully as if I would leave if she turned her back for a moment. I took her by the hand and led her back down the hall once more.
"Are you Adrin 2584?" someone inquired when I walked back in the room. I quickly released Erica's hand and turned to see an older woman, probably in her thirties or forties. I nodded.
"I am Sub-Visser Ninety Two, or Eliir 5486. I am in charge of this facility of childcare. I take my orders from Sub-Visser Nineteen himself."
I stared back at the woman, the Yeerk, so full of her own self-importance. "Yes, Sub-Visser Ninety Two," I finally said.
"Good. You will follow my orders. When your shift is over, you may sleep in the dormitory across the hall. Until then, just...just care for the children." She seemed somewhat lost when it came to child care. "If it is easier, let your host take over when it comes to the children. But do not let them maintain control." She narrowed her eyes at me as if I might lose control at any moment. "You will find various other Yeerks working here during any point of the day. You will not interact with them unless ordered to do so by those higher in command...such as myself." Again, the look on her face made me want to slap her. "I will notify you when your shift is over for the day."
"Ah...yes, Sub-Visser Ninety Two," I said, and she turned and strode away. I turned to find Erica and saw her staring at Sub-Visser Ninety Two's receding figure, a look of pure fear on her face. "What's the matter, sweetie?" I asked gently. But Erica remained silent, her eyes wide and frightened. "Well...don't worry, Erica, she won't bother you. I'll make sure of it." I let her lead me away into the center of the room and thought again of the plight of these children. There was no hope for them. None at all.
"Someone!" Sub-Visser Nineteen snapped, holding a baby awkwardly in his hands. It had most likely come from the tiny hospital next to the childcare facility, just separated from it's mother, who would be sent back to work only three or four days after giving birth... "Take this...this creature from me!"
I stepped forward, taking the child into my arms. "Yes, Sub-Visser Nineteen." He squinted at me.
"Ah, Adrin 2584, is it. Well, put that somewhere and come with me."
Curious and somewhat afraid, I handed the baby to another Yeerk working there and returned to Sub-Visser Nineteen. "As you wish, Sub-Visser Nineteen," I said. "Where do you want me to go?"
"A prisoner is being tried before the Council of Thirteen." I thought of the council, and wondered briefly if the Yeerk who had once been Visser Three was still a Councilor. Though he had plenty of enemies, he had won Earth. For this, he was appointed to the Council of Thirteen. "He is Ildor 8344, and was Visser Twenty One until just lately." I could not help noticing how much the word "was" was stressed. Sub-Visser Nineteen scowled. "He was second-in-command under Visser Eight on the Illsar home planet, working on the invasion. That is, until it was discovered that he was aiding them - the Illsar, the Yeerk's enemies."
I widened my eyes, reacting with just the right amount of surprise. It was startling, but not to a great extent, as the news had been going around as rumor for months now. He nodded at me and continued. "He was arrested, and it was discovered that he was also a member of the Yeerk peace movement. These are serious charges, and it is thought that he will be punished cruelly. The Council goes into session in four days. Some of the Yeerks wish to travel there, for their own reasons, but as they must soak up Kandrona rays during that period of time, they need Yeerks to control their hosts. As two of them are children - both young, just infested - you will accompany them."
"Y-yes, Sub-Visser Nineteen."
"Visser Fifty Nine will take over from here," he said and strode away, as a tall woman approached me, her manner imperious.
"Come. We will leave as soon as the others are finished in the Pool. You will follow me to our ship, and will remain silent and follow orders. When necessary, you will care for the two young hosts, and then go back to your quarters until needed again. While off the ship, you may do as you like, seeing as it does not interrupt our own business there. We will summon you when it is time to return, and you will aid with the two young hosts once more." She walked as she instructed me, and by the time she was done, we were facing a large fighter. She entered, and I followed her hesitantly. "Go now. You will inhabit those rooms until needed." She pointed, and I quickly entered the door she was pointing at. I found myself in a small but not minute room, which had nothing more but what could be a bed, a computer set into the wall, and a long table. I went to the computer, trying to ascertain the extent it could do.
Having nothing to ask it, I typed in the name Sub-Visser Nineteen had told me - Ildor 8344. I quickly scanned the screen. It spoke of the charges against him, his host being the number...10,794? I pressed for more information, but it would not allow me to find out any more, saying that because he was under arrest and to be interrogated by the Council that nothing more could be released. Instead, I searched for Host 10,794. A screen came up and I looked through that information. First captured four years ago, in the Yeerk pool of Earth. Measured in the years of Earth, he was eighteen. Beneath the small paragraph was a list of the Yeerks that had had him as a host. I scanned them quickly, then went to close the screen. But something caught my eye. At the bottom of the list was a name - Irril 4922. I wracked my memory, trying to remember. It sounded so...familiar. I had a feeling about this host, just...a feeling. Who he was...or had been.
"I wish to see the prisoner," I said, trying not to talk too fast. Trying not to convey my unease, my nervousness. We had arrived the day before, and the Council went into session that afternoon. I had, against my own judgement and Kay's warnings, determined to see the prisoner. Host 10,794. Ildor 8344. I had to see...had to find out.
"As you wish," the guard replied, opening the door. Narrowing his eyes at me, perhaps sensing that I was somehow here for a reason no one else was. "You have five minutes."
I walked through the heavy door he held open, and stopped. Across the room, he sat, staring coldly back at me. I took a step back, then bit my lip and walked forward. Even when I had guessed...I hadn't really thought...but I had been right, it was him...yes, it was him, that much was so clear. Even now...
"Who are you?" he asked, leaning forward, a suspicious, bitter look on his familiar face. "Just another Yeerk come to laugh at my downfall?"
"I - " But I couldn't go on. Couldn't tell him. I couldn't bear for him to know. I just couldn't tell him. I didn't want him to know that I, Rachel, had ran away. Was still running. Had hid as...as...
A trickle of blood ran slowly down his arm from a long gash just below his shoulder. It dripoped onto the steel floor. I had a sudden memory of him, shooting at Cassie...laughing the whole time...Irril 4922. He had done it. He...Jake...
"I'm a friend," I finally said lamely.
A friend,> Kay mimicked. Just tell him. Your cowardice disgusts me sometimes, Rachel.>
He stared back at me, looking suspicious. "Do I - we - know you?"
I stared back at him until I was forced to look away. I couldn't tell him, couldn't...I just...
Can't admit it, Rachel. You can't admit he was...is...braver than you are and were.>
"You. Two more minutes."
I didn't even turn to see the Controller guard behind me. With a defiant look, I ripped a strip from the bottom of my/Kay's shirt and took a step forward, bandaging his arm wound. He looked up at me, his face a mixture of thanks and confusion. "My host does not recognize you," he said.
I stood looking at him, silent. Finally, I replied, "I recognize him."
"Who are you?"
I turned to see the Controller guard beckoning for me to leave. I bit my lip, needing to speak to Jake, suddenly feeling like I needed to tell him. At least to... The guard approached, ready to drag me out of the room if necessary. I couldn't let him hear...
You're in morph, idiot,> Kay said. Thought-speak? Or am I too stupid to understand why that wouldn't work?>
I was thankful to her for the first time in my life, but there was no time to give her my thanks.
May the Animorphs live on,> I whispered in thought-speak, at least in our hearts, forever.>
Before he could react, I turned away, letting the guard lead me out. The door shut heavily behind me, and that was the end. Four days later, I heard of his death...my cousin. Our leader. I never knew if he ever realized who I was.
But I have a feeling - just a feeling - that he did.
"Adrin 2584," someone said to me, as I made my connections to the brain. I was returning from my swim in the Yeerk pool, back on Earth, absorbing Kandrona rays. A necessity, if I was to survive as Adrin 2584. Something I always dreaded, as it reminded me horribly of the first time, the battle in which my fate was sealed... I pushed the memory to the back of my mind. At that moment, I realized I was not in Kay's body.
"What is going on?" I demanded, staring at the man who stood before me, attempting nervously to explain.
"Your host...she tried to escape while you were in the pool. Yisar 4590 - and you can be sure he paid for his incompetency - fired a Dracon beam after her, intending to stun her and halt her escape, but instead fired on maximum power and killed her. We will attempt to find a new host for you, but temporarily you must inhabit this body."
I said nothing. Kay had been...Kay had been different. Difficult. But still, I mourned for her. Stop it...Adrin, I told myself harshly. This host is only temporary. You must act completely and totally as a Yeerk, hiding your true identity. If you're careful, you will be able to hide it from him.
"I will get back to you as soon as I can." With that, the man turned sharply and strode off, clearly having another task that needed attended to.
"What am I supposed to do?" I called after the man. "Am I supposed to go back to my old job?"
He was too far away to hear. He never answered.
What am I supposed to do? I demanded silently of myself. Go back?
I started walking towards the childcare facility in the Pool, but Sub-Visser Ninety Two blocked my way. "You don't belong here," she said coldly. "Leave." Not knowing what else to do, I left, considering for the first time my host. His name was...Tomas.
D-don't bother me, host,> I said, trying as hard as I could to be wholly Yeerk. The way I, Adrin 2584, was supposed to be. Remain silent, or I will...I'll...kill you.> I concentrated on blocking my memories from him, as well as looking as if I knew exactly where I was going, when I was simply trying to occupy time.
Yeerk,> he spat. Resentful. Contemptuous.
I-> I began, then shut up. What was the point in engaging in a conversation, if that was what you could call it? He was...he was a host. Just a host, just a host, I repeated to myself. That's all. And I am just a Yeerk. A normal, average, superior Yeerk.
God, just shut up, Rachel, I nearly screamed at myself. I couldn't do anything. I had to act the perfect Yeerk, so that no one would suspect. Adrin 2584, completely and totally. Cold, superior, cruel... Visser Three. Kay. I paused. You, Rachel. You, as you might have been, had the war continued for years and years.
I considered my host...Tomas. He was in his early teens, and with a pang of sadness I remembered myself at that age. Xena. Rachel, the "addict" - addicted to the war. To fighting. Amazing how a few years can change you, I laughed bitterly. Never would have guessed that the perfect Yeerk Adrin 2584 was once the Yeerks' most deadly enemy.
Tomas...my host. My host. That was all. I had to be Yeerk. Yeerk.
I paused. What was I saying? That they were all the same? That the word Yeerk meant the stereotypical type, the Visser Three kind... There are the Yeerks of the peace movement, I told myself somewhat angrily. Aftran? Illim?
"Adrin 2584!" someone shouted, and I turned. Sub-Visser Nineteen stood before me, at his side were two Hork-Bajir, clutching the arms of a host, clearly with no Yeerk. He was a young man, with eyes that stared back at me coldly, emotionless. Hateful, but...uncaring. As if he had given up long ago. I studied him closely. And I knew. Somehow, over all the years...
No! No, no, no, no...>
Had I spoken aloud? No...yes...oh god, not...
"We have found you a host, Adrin 2584," Sub-Visser Nineteen said. "I trust you are ready to leave?"
Not ready for this, I thought, my mind whirling. Not...anything...oh...
"Yes, Sub-Visser Nineteen."
"Crawl out, I will take you and place you next to this host's ear."
I paused. G-goodbye. Tomas.>
I had only had him for about fifteen minutes. But...but even so, even though he had said virtually nothing to me, he had shown me something, while I was trying so hard to stay Yeerk. Or perhaps...in my mask as the perfect Yeerk, I had shown myself. Something...valuable, something I sensed that I should have realized a long time ago. Something we all should have known. Something that, perhaps, Cassie had always seen, in nearly everyone. All we had ever been doing, considering the Yeerks our foe, was being stereotypical like everyone else. Were they all like Visser Three? No. Did we treat them all like Visser Three, even Aftran at the beginning, perhaps in caution just in case they were? Yes. Something touched my mind, tempting it. Taunting. I could almost remember.
As much as the Yeerks are "our" enemy, yes?
Who...?
"ADRIN!" Sub-Visser Nineteen boomed. Startled, I quickly pushed myself out of Tomas's ear, falling into Sub-Visser Nineteen's waiting hand. The next thing I knew, I was pushing my way into a new ear, and I remembered. Remembered what I had seen in the host's eyes, remembered how he had looked so...oh so long ago...
I was silent for a long moment, just stretching around his mind, establishing connections with practiced ease. For what seemed like minutes, stretching on and on, we were both silent. Finally I spoke.
Tobias.>
Yeerk,> he returned, nothing of what I had remembered of him showing in his voice. But it was him. Yes, it was him...him, his eyes, his...his memories. And it brought back my own memories, ones I had forgotten...purposely.
A Yeerk? Search my memories, then. Who am I?>
Adrin...2584.> His voice was flat. A Yeerk, like all other Yeerks.>
I - look deeper.> I felt like my heart would break - but from happiness, sorrow...both...
He did so, shifting through my earlier memories, letting me show him. Gerald...and then before that...No!> He stopped. Said nothing more. But I could feel his horror.
Tobias->
I - God, you're not Rachel! You're not Rachel! Rachel died!>
Did I?> I asked softly. Did I really?>
I searched quickly through his memories, stumbling quickly out of them as I saw they weren't what I was looking for. It was - violating his privacy. Wrong. It's wrong now, I thought angrily to myself. When it's Tobias. But you didn't think it was wrong when you were Adrin 2584, did you, Rachel? When it was other people you didn't know?
I found it and opened it, reminding myself. Showing him. Reliving it...
Rachel! No! No! Save yourself!>
He was struggling, held by a Hork-Bajir. Watching, instead of the scene before him, a girl unseen by anyone else taking a breath, surfacing slightly near the edge of the Yeerk Pool...
And watching, silently, as she slowly slid away under the surface and became Yeerk again. Doing as he said. Saving herself. Hiding until it was safe - but it wasn't safe, was it? Not until it was too late. Leaving her friends to the enemy and running away. Running away...running away...running away...
Rachel?>
Tears were running down his face. His, maybe, and mine. Both of ours...
I thought you were dead,> I said finally, after a long moment of silence.
I knew - thought I knew - you were dead,> he replied quietly. A Yeerk, Rach? How->
He trailed off. And I didn't have the heart to answer. I didn't have an answer. Why had I stayed Yeerk? I could have killed myself, could have left one of my hosts, could have...
Give up now and lose hope, give up hope and lose life, but give up never...
Gerald's words. His encouragement, his convincing me to stay alive, to somehow wait to save...to save whoever I could...
We all have decisions to make. Not everyone would have done what you did - but not everyone is you.>
You think I made the wrong choice, don't you,> I said flatly. You - I ran away, Tobias. I ran away! And I became a Yeerk! I infested people, I took the name Adrin 2584 and became, just as you said, like all other Yeerks. Nothing special, nothing warrior-like about me anymore, is there, Tobias? Xena doesn't run away, does she?>
Everyone runs away sometime,> he said, and I thought of Gerald once more. I love you, Rachel. You know that.>
Even as...> I swallowed. Even as a Yeerk?>
His reply was surprisingly forceful. That doesn't matter. What form you take...I know that more than anyone, Rach! I was a hawk, remember?>
He - or maybe I - smiled. Yeah,> I said. I guess so.> After a long pause, I added quietly, I love you too, Tobias.>
He was silent, but I could see his thoughts. He was remembering the construction site, so long ago. When we were just kids...
They won,> I said. After all that, after Elfangor put so much hope into us, they won. Our...our enemy, right?> I laughed bitterly, but wondered. Wondered...if...maybe... Though I guess I should say we won, since I've become on of them.> If maybe...what if they weren't...
Who is the enemy?> he asked quietly, and I remembered Tomas, remembered my recent act as a Yeerk... The Yeerks? So we thought. But Aftran? Illim? You?>
We were just kids,> I said softly. Teenagers, trying to save the world. What did we know? And now, even grown up, we're...we're...>
Rachel...> he began. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault we lost.>
Yes, it was,> I insisted, now not able to resist feelings I had buried away long, long ago. Buried away with the memories. I ran away, Tobias! Do you understand? I left you, all of you. If I would've stayed, maybe we all could've escaped.>
Maybe,> he said calmly. Or maybe you would have been caught or killed, and this wouldn't have happened. We would have never been together again.>
I wish...I wish it could be like before,> I whispered. That...that the Yeerks had never come, and we could be together.>
We are together,> he reminded me gently.
Yes, as host and Yeerk! Me, as a parasite! Some things are just wrong, Tobias.>
He remained silent.
It's too ironic,> I said. Me? Yeerk? You? Human?>
Rachel...>
Awhile ago...I had a host named Kay. She was so...so cold, so alone. Unfeeling.> I paused, hesitant. She reminded me a little of what I was. Before. Sometimes. And while in her body I met a little girl named Erica.>
I took a deep breath, remembering two wide blue eyes gazing deep into mine, a tiny hand placed trustingly in mine, a tearstained face watching me intently from behind the window...
Erica?> Tobias said, if not seeing all of my memories, at least feeling a surge of pain from me.
She...she reminded me of a lot of people,> I finally said. Karen, I guess, in her innocence. Sara. Maybe...> I hesitated again. Maybe the daughter I would have had once.> Thinking of Sara, my mind turned to Jordan. "No," she had told me in anger once, "I want a sister." God, just before...just before I never saw her again.
I'm sorry, Jordan, I sobbed. You're right...I never did understand. Not until too late.
Rach...>
Erica trusted me, Tobias,> I choked out. I was her...I was her protector. Like her mother, her big sister, whatever... She was so young, she didn't even have a name. I gave her the name Erica. I gave her all the identity she had. She was scared, Tobias, and all alone...all the children are. Their parents are just used to make more hosts, and when the children grow up enough to be able host bodies, they're infested and begin their lives as hosts.>
And...what happened to Erica?> he pressed gently.
I don't know.>
You don't...well maybe we can...find her...?>
I don't know. It's just...just...> I couldn't go on. If I went back to my child-care job, I could find her...maybe... But would she recognize me? Would she understand that "Ad-drin," her protector, was just a Yeerk? Not Kay, just...in Kay's body? She was so young...what would she think, that I had died? Gone away? Left her?
"Adrin? Adrin 2584?"
I was drawn back to reality. "Y-yes, Sub-Visser Nineteen? Shall I return to my old job?"
He paused for a moment, thinking. "Ah...yes. Yes, do that."
"Yes, Sub-Visser Nineteen."
I walked the familiar path towards the facility, and this time Sub-Visser Ninety Two was not there to block my entrance. I entered the room and glanced around quickly for Erica, but she was nowhere to be seen. I knelt down next to a seven-year-old boy named Fred, and asked him where Erica had been taken. Maybe she's...at the child cafeteria?> I said to Tobias.
"Erica's gone," Fred said, looking up at me.
"Gone?" I echoed. "Gone...gone where?"
Fred shrugged.
"Is she...is she...dead?" I asked, tentatively. Afraid of the answer. Sub-Visser Ninety Two never hesitated to give out the orders to kill one of them. Not if they're a threat to us, she had announced once, when one child had become sick. He must be eliminated! "Fred, is Erica...did she die?"
"No," he said after a long moment. "I don't think so."
At that moment, Sub-Visser Ninety Two entered the room and spotted me. "Adrin! Four children have come down with some sort of human sickness. It cannot be cured. They will have to be killed."
Killed?> Tobias questioned.
"Killed?" I echoed aloud.
"Come along. No one else is on duty now but Essar, and she is in the cafeteria."
I followed her wordlessly, knowing even before I entered the small hospital room what I would find. Knowing what I would have to do. Knowing...
No! Oh God, no...not Erica...
Even though I knew, the sight of her pale face lying upon the white sheet startled me.
Erica?> Tobias questioned, though he probably already knew the answer. I ignored him for the time being, all of me wrapped up in the sight of the little girl. Walking forward, I inspected the four.
"This...Sub-Visser!" I protested, trying desperately to somehow...somehow save her... "This does not...I mean, from the information I have gathered from various hosts, I do not think that this...disease is..."
"Adrin 2584," Sub-Visser Ninety Two said sharply, "I have been given orders to kill them. I follow my orders. Now take that bottle, pour it onto the cloth, and put it over their mouths. I will start from this end, you from that." When I made no move, she narrowed her eyes. "I shall tell Sub-Visser Nineteen...you will be punished quite cruelly."
You can tell the Council for all I care, I felt like screaming. You can punish me all you like! I will not be made to kill helpless children!
Mechanically, I moved towards the table, soaking a strip of white cloth with the liquid. Sub-Visser Ninety Two busied herself with the boy at the end of the row. I turned towards Erica, and felt my heart break. I can't! I cried. I...I can't do it!
Rachel.> Tobias spoke calmly, slowly. Do you see that knife there? Take it. The woman is not looking. You may...you may have need of it later.> Feeling the truth of his words, I slowly slipped it off the counter, feeling the smooth steel in the grip of my fingers. It was strangely comforting. A weapon...any weapon. Though I wasn't sure what I was supposed to use it for. I could picture, of course, several scenarios, but didn't want to think to hard of them.
"Well?" Sub-Visser Ninety Two demanded, seeing that I hadn't moved. "Do it!"
I moved towards Erica, slowly. Horrified.
"Ahdrin!" she cried out. She tossed back and forth, crying out my name over and over. Maybe half-delirious.
Maybe smarter than everyone else.
Sub-Visser Ninety Two looked up, her eyes narrowed and suspicious. "Well? Are you going to do it?"
Silently I shook my head. I couldn't. I couldn't.
Within a moment, she was out the door, and then two Hork-Bajir were at my side, roughly dragging me out of the room.
"Adrin!" Erica cried. I looked back at her and her eyes stared into mine, completely comprehending. A tear slowly wove its way down her face, slipping down her flushed cheek. I turned away. No one could help her now. And no one could help me.
We sat waiting in a small room. Waiting...I supposed for someone to come and sentence me to death. Tell me that I had done wrong, that I was to be put to death. Do you...do you remember...the beginning?> I finally whispered, forcing my mind away from what was before me. Forcing myself, finally, to face the memories I'd been hiding from for so long.
The beginning,> he repeated, just as quietly. Which of us doesn't remember it?>
If it was only then, if we could only somehow...undo...>
Would you?> he asked. Paused. Would I? If we were really given the chance, would we...truly give up the fight?>
I hesitated, then sighed. No.>
We were strangers starting out on a journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you
No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected, what you did to my heart
When I lost hope, you were there to remind me
This is the start
We were just kids, then,> I managed. Just trying to stay alive.>
We are alive, aren't we?>
Not for long.> I was silent, thinking. I just wish we had another chance, Tobias. Another chance to be...us. Another chance to succeed, to not fail, to...>
To be the heroes we were supposed to be,> he continued quietly. Right, Rachel? Another chance to save everyone.>
Yes.> I paused. No. Just another chance to do it all over again. To be there, and not here, to have my whole life ahead of me again, and to have Earth to be...to be...>
What it was. What we all were.>
And life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
Memories suddenly rushed me, overwhelming my mind. Memories I hadn't called up for years and years. Memories I had pushed away, buried under my Yeerk cover.
Tobias, attacking a giant squid...deep in the ocean. Me, swimming frantically towards the surface. Running, I whispered to myself. Always running, Rachel.
And then...two of me? I searched, and sure enough I remembered being...split in half. Mean Rachel and Nice Rachel, I remembered. And then, bitterly, What am I now? Just...Wimp Rachel. Weak Rachel. Rachel who ran away.
The memories came faster now, rushing, crowding my senses. Flying...soaring over the people far below us...just flying and flying...
No, now I was swimming. What...dolphin?
I'm not the one threatening to kill anyone's parents, you crazy witch,> someone yelled at me.
Rachel, what are you doing?> came another voice. Tobias...? But from the past...
"She's out of control," someone commented. Someone...Cassie? Cassie...
I pushed the memories, the voices from the past, out of my mind. That was...it was all...
Rachel?> It was Tobias. Now. In the present.
It was crazy,> I sobbed. But...>
But it was...> He trailed off. I know, Rach. I know.>
It was. Our lives...back then...insane, really. More than we could have ever imagined... Yet still I could remember that one memory. Tobias...and I...just flying and flying, soaring on the thermals for what seemed like forever.
We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand, unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you
It...I'm still glad we're...we're here,> I finally said slowly. Together. Even if it is the end.>
Tobias sighed. Yeah.>
I sometimes wonder...could it have even happened another way? How could it have? I mean, maybe it depended on some small little thing, if we would have won or lost, but...but it seems this was meant to happen like this.>
Maybe, Rachel,> he said. Maybe it was.>
And life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end, I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
Even if I die,> I began.
We,> he insisted.
But->
We. I'm with you now, Rachel. We're...I just can't...>
I smiled slightly. Sorrowfully. There's still hope, right? I mean...think about it. If we were the only six that could have ever kept the galaxies free...that's not right. There has to be others.>
Yeah,> he agreed slowly. Yeah...maybe someday...>
I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me, alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart
Someday,> I echoed. Someday.>
Even if it's not us,> Tobias continued. Even if we're gone and...well, there will still be...>
What good is patience and wisdom and morals and peace and love if the people spouting these ideals end up dead?
The memory taunted me, drifting so near to my mind. I knew...was it I that had said that?
Still be hope,> I finished for him. Still be wisdom...morals...peace. And...and love.>
And life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end, I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
Rachel,> Tobias said softly. I glanced up to see a man standing in the doorway, staring in appraisingly. I looked back down to a spot on the floor.
Every end is a new beginning,> he said. Isn't that a quote or something?>
Maybe,> I answered, looking back up to meet the man's eyes. Was he the one who would sentence me to death?
Then this end is just...just another beginning,> he managed, sensing my unease.
I know,> I said quietly, somewhat calm. It was the end, but... Isn't everything?>
Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing...on
Starting out on a journey
"Well, well," the man said, approaching slowly. "Adrin 2584, is it?"
I refused to give him the satisfaction of nodding. He narrowed his eyes ever so slightly. "Irril 4922, otherwise known as Visser Six." He smirked at me. I searched my memory frantically. The name, so familiar...
Jake's first Yeerk, Rach,> Tobias said gently.
Someone laughed contemptuously. Jake. He held a Dracon beam, pointed unwaveringly at the snarling wolf leaping by him. He pulled the trigger, the look on his face matching Visser Three's...
The wolf...Cassie...had no chance to cry out, no chance to do anything. A stream of light shot towards her, never stopping, even after she fell to the ground and...
Irril 4922!> Visser Three cried. Stop your actions this instant!>
I stared back at the man before me with new hatred. Ironic, perhaps, but what did that matter now? Marco, I thought. Marco could appreciate this irony.
"You are accused of feeling sympathy towards a host, as well as refusing to follow orders. Both are penalized by death."
I stared back at him, matching his look of contempt. "Yes." Irril 4922. He had...in a strange way...helped me to speak to Jake. He'd showed me...I'd seen his name and began to remember...
"Your sentence," he said slowly, and I swear he was secretly rejoicing, "is Kandrona starvation. As you have just fed today, it officially begins now."
I stared back at him, but my hatred evaporated. A sudden calm seized me as two Hork-Bajir took my arms and led me into a white room. There was nothing in it, just...white. They left, and the door was so fine I couldn't find where it was after it was shut. It wouldn't have helped anyway, for they locked it, but the room was almost a marvel, it was so perfectly made. I could have sworn it was a perfect cube.
Kind of reminds you of a hospital,> Tobias said slowly. Cautiously. All white and clean...but you know, really, the couple times I was in a hospital, it wasn't really white. I guess it's just kind of a...stereotype...huh?>
A hospital,> I echoed, cutting him off. He was talking about...about nothing, really, distracting me. Just babbling...ignoring the fact that... People die in hospitals, yes?>
Rachel...I'm sorry...>
I laughed, surprising myself and surely surprising him. What? I don't mind. I don't even...I'm not even sad. I escaped death once, Tobias, I ran away. The wrong thing maybe, some say it was the right thing...I don't know. I ran away and lived. This time...this time I know I did what was right, even if Erica is killed. I did the right thing, and I'm dying, but...well, it kind of feels like it makes up for what I did before.>
You will understand when you die. When it is truly your time, you will know. And you won't mind anymore.
Gerald's voice echoed in my mind. And I understood.
Maybe not everyone was that lucky. Maybe not everyone, when they died, were supposed to. Or didn't realize it. But Gerald had told me, shown me, and...I understood. Even though, at that point, I hadn't...but now I knew. I knew why he didn't mind that he had to die, why I didn't mind that now I had to die... Why, maybe, I had morphed Yeerk and ran away. I wasn't supposed to die then. Wasn't supposed to become a host and die captive, in the control of a Yeerk. Now...
An angry voice echoed in my head. You don't understand, do you. You never will. I'm not three anymore. I've learned, okay, Rachel? With you, there never is a later! My heart ached suddenly. Jordan. Sara...Mom... As bad as it was, as hard as it was for me to accept that I was Yeerk...at least in part...I had been lucky. I could have been killed, could have been taken as a host... I could only wonder what happened to the others. Only wonder...and hope...
Rachel...>
I know.> I paused. Do you ever wonder, sometimes, what happened? I mean, to the others? Cassie...> I swallowed hard. Cassie was killed. I know that. And Jake...in the end, he died too. And I guess Ax...>
Was killed.>
His tone was flat, and I guessed he hadn't talked about it for...well, since it happened. His shorm. His uncle. But I mean...everyone. Were they as lucky as us? Were they...>
I don't know, Rachel. But we...we were lucky, weren't we?>
I sighed. Yeah. We were.> From the folds of his shirt, I pulled the knife we'd just confiscated. Tobias. For you, it...I mean, if you just let me get out, you can just...>
Now he laughed. Sadly. Sorrowfully. No. No. I've had enough. You know that. Why would I want to live? You understand, don't you? No one's left. I found you - we were lucky, right? And why would I ever want to end that?>
I sighed. I had thought as much. There was no need to wait for Kandrona starvation. And that wouldn't kill him...only me. Slowly.
Only you know the answers to your questions, Rachel. The answers lie in you.
For the first time, I remembered my dream. Or was it? Remembered the Ellimist's words, remembered his advice, his...
Love the enemy, Rachel. Love the enemy and you shall love yourself.
No,> I whispered, and knew. There is no enemy.>
What?> Tobias asked.
Nothing. Never mind. I - never mind.>
I smiled slightly. I wondered if he was watching, even now. The Ellimist - watching, planning...
Tobias...?>
He said nothing. But I knew he was thinking the same as I.
Five of us stood, staring hypnotized at a circle of light in a ship. A spaceship...the spaceship. And then the Andalite stepped out.
"Hello," Tobias said quietly, in awe. But unafraid. I could still remember the gentle feeling that Elfangor conveyed to us that night. Could still recall it enough to almost feel it, almost bring back the feeling...
Hello,> he replied.
"Hi."
He staggered suddenly, falling from his ship to the ground. We all rushed towards him, Cassie searching worriedly for injuries. "Look," she said, pointing. "He's hurt."
Yes,> Elfangor replied, calmly. I am dying.>
Marco offered help, and Cassie tried to bandage his wound with Jake's shirt. However, the Andalite insisted it was no use.
"No!" Jake cried, somehow saddened and angry all at once. "You can't die! You're the first alien ever to come to Earth. You can't die."
I am not the first. There are many, many others.> And the cold fear that had touched me then at his words touched me once again, now.
"Other aliens?" Tobias asked. "Like you?"
Not like me.>
He cried out, obviously in pain, but recovered enough to speak again. Not like me,> he repeated. They are different.>
"Different? How?" Jake demanded, perhaps even then sensing a threat.
Elfangor looked at all of us, and his words rang in our minds. His answer was truly the beginning. The beginning of our knowledge, our fight, everything.
They have come to destroy you.>
They are called Yeerks,> Elfangor said. And my hatred for them began with his first word about them, his tone, his warning. His own hatred, for the species that were the doom of him, of countless others. The species that would be my enemy for a long, long time. The species that I would, eventually, become.
I slowly lifted my arm, staring as the light glinted off the steel blade. Tobias...> I put the knife to my neck. His. Are you sure you want to do this? I can->
I'm sure.>
Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing
In the end, I wanna be standing
At the beginning...
In the end, I wasn't sure who actually did it - he or I. I/he lay down slowly, feeling the world slowly fade. The glaring white of the room slowly faded to a softer, glowing light...but even so we were still connected, in the end - in the beginning, still...together...
With you...
A/N: The song used in this fic was At The Beginning, from the movie Anastasia, performed by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis. I hope you enjoyed this, and...thanks again. ;)