There was always some kind of a sadness in her pale blue eyes every time he looked at her. Other people might not have noticed it – she hid it so well with her loud, rambunctious behaviour – but as someone who had grow up with her practically since they were born, he could see it very clearly.
She would laugh, tease and joke with everyone around her, but he would noticed every time she paused and collected herself before she went along with the flow. He knew sometimes she couldn't do it, but she was very good at masking her feelings. She was an actress and they were her audience, the atmosphere was her performance and she was so damn good at it.
There was nobody in this world who could understand what was going on in her head, what she was feeling, how she was doing except maybe him. Because his loss was also her loss, her pain was his pain and her sadness was his sadness as well. He faked them damn well good, too.
He stumbled upon her drinking party one night, a pure coincidence because he didn't think she had the habit of prowling the streets of Konoha so late at night. He went out of the Hokage's office, tired, with one mission in his head but upon seeing a familiar colour tucked in one corner under the flap that night, the plan went awry.
"You shouldn't be drinking alone." He said as he pulled out a chair and sat down without her invitation.
She was halfway drunk. Her hair was down and carefree, her cheeks were blushed pink. She looked so pretty in the dimmed light. Yet, her eyes held the same sadness, deeper than he had ever seen before.
"Couldn't sleep." She replied. "You?"
"Just finished a troublesome work for the Hokage." He just realized how tired he was and found himself wanting a drink. Sleep could wait. He signalled an order.
"You are important now, Shikamaru." She said softly, lips curling at the corners and downed another cup. On and on they poured themselves drinks and drank and drank until sobriety eased and consciousness replaced.
He began to look at her from a new angle, and noticed many things he had missed before. How soft and lush her lips must have been when kissed. How delicious her throat looked if bitten. How inviting the hint of cleavage peeking from her shirt. He pulled his invasive gaze back to her face only to find her half-lidded eyes were trained on him, unreadable and smouldering blue as she regarded him the same way.
"I'm done." She slammed a couple of notes on the table and stood, a bit swaying but her training quickly corrected her balance. He did the same.
"I'll walk you home." He said and fell into step beside her. They never made it home.
In a dark alley on a deserted street, their mouths fused in a savage dance of tongue and teeth. She allowed his hands under her top and inside her skirt, her fingers clawed his shirt and clung onto him as he found her sweet spot and pleasured her until her wetness coated his fingers. It didn't take long for her to undo his fly and found him erect and ready, and with a strength of a shinobi, he lifted her up and backed her against the wall with her eagerly directing his passage inside.
It was awkward and clumsy at first but soon they found their rhythm and their bodies synchronized so well as though they were in a battle. She did not make much noise except producing gasps that made puffy clouds in the cold air. He sensed she was close and he couldn't hold it anymore so he let go inside of her, fully aware of what could have been if her cycle was spot on. She didn't care.
After the tremor had passed and their feet touched the ground again, then she questioned the what ifs. Her voice sounded as if just being woken up from a dream.
He shrugged because he honestly didn't know.
One and a half months later she dumped a black and white photo onto his paperwork. He stared at the tiny black dot, stunned.
"Sure it's mine?"
She scowled. "You think I sleep around Konoha?"
He looked at her then and acknowledged that the tiny life inside of his teammate was fully, rightfully his. How could he forget how tight she was when he entered her? He had been her first and probably the only one still.
"What are we going to do?" She looked tough but he knew she was crumbling inside.
"Nothing." He answered, taking the scan and tucked it inside his vest. "We'll keep it, of course."
"Are you going to make an honest woman out of me now, Shikamaru?" Her lips curled in amusement.
He returned her smirk and shrugged once. For the first time since the war ended he was glad that her father had gone to meet his creator.
She miscarried one week after they had the conversation.
Her eyes lost the temporary spark he'd seen in that one week and returned to their usual sadness. What she felt couldn't have possibly mirror his feelings. She had experienced life inside her and he didn't know anything about it. Sure, he was responsible for the half of it but the common ground ended there.
"Are you okay?" He asked, shamelessly putting her hand in his.
"I will be." But her breath hitched like she had a stone in her throat. "You know what's worse? I feel relieved, Shikamaru."
Then she burst into tears.
He wondered how this strong, confident, beautiful woman whom he had known since childhood could be so broken. He pulled her into his familiar territory because that was all he could do.
They must be fated for experiencing losses together over and over again. But he couldn't deny that he felt the same way. It was not a good time to bring an innocent child into chaos. They needed to rebuild their village, restore the peace and forge alliances. And perhaps maintain the order so that a fifth war would never come to light.
Then it will be a good time to have children.
They were broken, but they will pick up the pieces, one at time. They will do it together. They didn't put a name on their relationship because labels were overrated. They were both professionals so it did not interfere with their work. They did not involve emotions because ninjas weren't supposed to have one. What they had was just passion; when grief hits they just want to escape and feel good. They hid it so well that hardly anybody knew what was going on between them.
They had a general knowledge of what they were to each other but two years later, Sasuke came back and changed everything.