A/N: Hey! Extremely long and annoying note at bottom if you are bored, thanks for reading! D/L Rox!!!!!!
POV alternating between Danny and Lindsay.
Song is "Who Am I", by Will Young (Not the CSI theme song). Lyrics are regular text, story is italic. Kinda messed, I know, but oh well!
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Sometimes you know you push me so hard I don't know how I feel.
You always make me doubt I feel at all.
It's not as though I don't listen but there's just so much I don't know.
Maybe I'll never be what you want.
Danny POV:
Lindsay Monroe. Lindsay Monroe. Where to start? The girl is one tough cookie. Well, one very pretty tough cookie. Montana has this thing, I'm not quite sure what it is. I mean, I've known her for what, a year? Yet still, every time I see her, I feel like she's a stranger. Sure, every once in a while she lets off details about her life before the Big Apple, like how her Dad taught her some cowpoke knitting thing when she was little, mostly only if it applies to a case. But she's so closed off sometimes. I think she's probably got a skeleton buried deep in her closet. Most CSI's do. Death ain't exactly the most exciting career. All us CSI's don't discuss them. They are more of a private thing, a secret which very few know. We avoid telling them to protect ourselves. We protect our secrets to protect our vulnerability, our greatest weakness. But really, is it normal to spend countless nights together reading reports, eating terrible chinese food, learning every single detail of someone's life, without stopping to ask first-day-of-kindergarten questions, like about her family, her schools, her pets, even her favourite colour?
Hey, I know that all you're asking for's a little place in my heart, but I don't find it easy to give.
Maybe I get a little selfish sometimes, why should'nt I?
I used to say I love you but would it make a difference this time.
Lindsay POV:
Danny. He definetely does'nt give up. How many hints does a guy need? I told him, I just can't handle a relationship right now. I got some stuff I gotta work out. I came out here to get away from it all, to be independant. He just keeps trying to break that down. I do'nt need some guy to tell my life to. I don't need some guy to rely on. I don't need some guy to well, love. But... lately I've been longing for it. Longing for a pair of strong warm arms holding me closely, making me feel utterly and completely safe. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel safe again. But I want to more than anything.
But who am I to tell you, that I would never let you down?
That no one else could love you, half as much as I do now.
And who am I to tell you, I'll always catch you when you fall.
Well I, I would'nt be myself at all.
Danny POV:
I wish I could tell her. Tell her how much I love watching her try to figure out a puzzling piece of evidence, starting with that unfaltering look of determination, then the triumphant, smug grin, ending with her exhausted small smile. Tell her how much I love her compassionate, quiet respect for the deceased. Tell her how much I love her bright, happy attitude at the start of shift, and the silent, soft sweetness at the end. I wish I could tell her so many things, but I know I won't. I'm not that brave.
I know, I always find a reason why I did'nt put you first.
It's not that complicated I know.
Lindsay POV:
I don't know why I did'nt go on that date with Danny. I got all dressed up, strappy sandals and new sky blue flowing dress bought especially for the occassion, and was almost out the door. I don't know what happened. One second, I was on top of the world, the next, I was crumpled up into a ball against the door, crying. I just could'nt go.
I really hate it when you shake your head like this ain't gonna work.
Maybe I'll never be what you saw.
Danny POV:
That day, when I asked her why she kept rejecting me, it just killed me. Her little head shaking, eyes so big. It was her eyes that gave her away. Not to blame her, someone once said the eyes were doors to your soul. Lindsay's were a mix of fear, loneliness, shame, and mostly just sadness. She was broken, and I just kept rattling her. After that day, I decided it had to end. Something was chewing her, and if she would'nt let me rip off the bandaid, she would have to endure the pain herself. So I kept myself at a distance. I never realized I was killing myslef in the process.
Did'nt want to do what everybody else does and hide the truth and never know a thing about love,
But this is real life, real love, and knowing what it comes down to, I just might be in love.
Lindsay POV:
It took a few more months for me to realize it. I thought that when Danny would finally leave me alone, I could start to live again. Start to feel again. But I just sunk lower and lower. Danny's face haunted me; his constant tired eyes, unshaven chin and matted hair. Gone were the days of gentle banter and wide grins. The empty, dull attitude he sported depressed everyone around him, and he seperated himself from all of his relationships, even with his best friends, Stella and Flack. Mac worked extra shifts so that he could have more days off, thinking a little time would clear his head. He returned from his so-called vacations even more exhausted than before. Finally, one night, as I tossed and turned, I had to stop it. I could'nt stand anymore of his ghostlike appearance. Throwing on a simple pair of sweats and runners took under 5 minutes. I ran through the dark, abandoned streets, not caring for my safety, knowing the only place I would ever actually feel safe was in the ground and with Danny. It had been him I had been longing for for months and months. Tearing up to his apartment steps, I felt the hot tears begin to fall. My vision slurred, yet my feet kept going, landing fiercly in front of his apartment. Without hesitation, I knocked gently. The door opened within seconds; he could'nt sleep either. There was a brief moment of silent staring. He stepped forward, breaking the tension and closing the door behind me. He turned, and suddenly I was enclosed by him, heat surging between us, his familiar smell enveloping me. After what seemed like forever, he stepped back, a small smile forming on his face. "I missed you." he said gently. I looked at him, smiling myself. "Me too. I can't... I can't sleep." I fumbled out. He silently agreed.
Sleep overtook them within the hour.
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A/N: OMG! Finnaly! I have finished a story. I'm getting mad at myself because I have'nt really updated any of my chappie stories in a LONG time. Well, okay, so I have a very valid excuse (my very own dark&twisty skeleton, and I'm half the CSI's age!), and well, I'm kinda failing Socials. Too damn boring. Well, I'm also kinda having trouble sleeping, which we all know Danny could solve in an instant (MAWR), but writing helps. So does my little Puddy Cat, xcept that she's trying to get me to sleep halfway through the story. I really think I would be better coming up with ideas for stories/episodes than actually writing them. I have all these genius ideas, and no fricken time. Honestly, people, if you ever need any story ideas, you know where to find me. Every time I get a new idea I want to start it, but I won't let myself until I finish some of my other stories. It's very annoying, actually. Watch out for my D/L Ipod Exchange one though, if I ever get around to it, it's gonna be my D/L pride & joy.
Sorry about the ending. I know it's so cliche, but I love it when one goes to someone else's house in the middle of the night. It's way better than the little cinderella-goes-to-nypdball-and-falls in love- with-prince-danny one. I think it's just comfortable, and well, New York is kind of an urban, depressing place full of broken people (as the CSI;NY depicts, I've never been there, don't be mad at my stereotyping) and the CSI's are not little happy-go-lucky-naive-Disney characters. ;)
Since my Ipod is like now my life (don't I sound like a typical teenage girl? like, OMG!) I have D/L stories, episodes, and my songs to inspire me. All I need now is a D/L podcast. Is there one? Someone should make one. I'm still trying to figure out where my microphone is on my computer (don't laugh, I've never had a built-in-microphone and my brother can't find it either!), so I suppose I'll have to get a micromemo. Yay. I'll stop my insanely hyper yet exhausted rambling nonsence now. Thanks for stopping by and reading. Please review!
NightyNighty all! Sleep sweet dreams of Danny!:)
Luv Yall,
M/16
Danny POV: