Brianna Burgess

I Still Want You

Sobbing uncontrollably isn't really my thing. Even though my heart is shattered, I sit here stony faced refusing to show any emotion. I don't want the sympathy of people who don't understand. I'm over it. They won't ever be able to comprehend the guilt and rage I'm keeping behind my walls. He was going to save me, but I guess he couldn't be my hero.

"Honey, it's your turn," my dad whispered while pushing me toward the podium.

Ugh! I don't want to do this anymore! I thought as I stepped up to the mic.

"Umm… Hi, my name is Kurt Hummel," I started shakily "So… Sebastian Smythe died last Saturday in a car wreck," I take a deep breath.

"To a lot of you, Sebastian was just a punk. To you he was the kid on the motorcycle, or the kid who got into too much trouble. Which he was all of those things, but… my Sebstian, the one I knew better than anyone else, he was my protector, my best friend, my boyfriend, my… everything. He had a heart of gold and all the best intentions. He wouldn't have wanted any sympathy or tears. He would have wanted everyone to move on and be happy… just, let him go. So I'm sorry my speech is short, but I'm going to do what he would've wanted and try to say good-bye."

With that I dropped a white lily in his grave with a whispered "I love you" and took off running. I didn't know where I was going; I just knew I had to get away.

Four months, six days, seven days. That's how long it's been since Sebastian died. I know it's unhealthy to keep track, but I don't even try. That date, right down to the hour, is etched into my mind like words on a tombstone. I was touch-and-go for a couple months right after it happened. I lost a lot of weight, and even more friends. I was pushing everyone away, and I knew it. That is, until Blaine came along.

Blaine Anderson, one of my best friends for years, just showed up at my door telling me we were going out and he wasn't taking no for an answer. I wasn't exactly open to that idea, but he persisted and eventually we were together every day. We were inseparable; he became my rock, helping me through all my muddled emotions until I was somewhat okay again. Now Blaine was waiting at my door again, only this time it was for our very first date.

You see, somewhere along the way, Blaine grew up. He's got really dark brown hair, almost black, that he always wears slicked back with gel. He has a thousand watt smile and a jaw line that could cut glass. Standing at 5'11" I swallow his 5'7" frame.

None of that is why I agreed to go on this date, though. Honestly, I know it's time to move on, and Blaine is a really nice guy. I know he would take care of me. He treats me like a queen and puts up with all my issues with a smile on his face. Besides, no one can resist his big puppy eyes that are like pools of caramel, pleading with you to say yes.

I swing open the door and say "Hey Blaine." I didn't know how a nineteen year old boy can look so shy.

"Hi Kurt." Blaine said with a blush.

"I…umm…brought you flowers" he stuttered while shoving a bouquet at me.

"C'mon Blaine,"I say taking the bouquet from him. "Let's not get all awkward now, this is just another day hanging out."

"Sorry, I just really want this to go well, I've…" He cleared his throat, "I've liked you for a long time, and I just don't want you to ever be hurt again."

Brushing off that bit of awkwardness, we decide to leave. Soon, we were much more relaxed while driving down the road in his '72 Chevelle, singing off-key to his favorite Journey album. I was doing great until we pulled into a little hole-in-the-wall diner. I gasped. I'd been here before, on a cold night in October, on my very first date with Sebastian.

I remember flying into the parking lot on the back of Danny's motorcycle like it was yesterday. I was terrified because he was driving with one hand, but ecstatic because the other was holding mine. I wouldn't have let go for a million dollars. It felt like he was the only thing anchoring me to the world.

We hopped off his bike. He gave me his jacket because I was practically blue with cold. I wasn't prepared for the motorcycle and wasn't wearing a jacket at all. He threw his muscular arm over my shoulder while running a hand through his shaggy blonde hair. He was laughing and bragging about how he was a regular here and got special treatment.

"We'll have two specials, one for me and one for this pretty little thing over here" he rattled off to the waitress as we took our seats in a corner booth.

We spent the whole night talking and laughing. I couldn't explain it; I'd always hated people like him. The people who thought they were just too cool, and didn't seem to try at anything, but somehow… I was drawn to him. It didn't matter how many people told me I would get my heart broken, or said that he'd use me and leave me, I still gravitated to him like a moth to a flame. At the end of the night he let me keep his jacket even though he had to be freezing. We came to a roaring stop in front of my house.

He pulled me off his bike saying with a laugh, "I hope you know this jacket is a symbol"

"Oh yeah, for what?" I retorted, high off the adrenaline rush from the motorcycle.

"It means…" he leaned closer with a smirk, "that you're mine."

Finally he leaned in all the way. There was that moment of indescribable tension. He was going to kiss me, I knew it. So I closed my eyes and leaned in and…

"Kurt! Kurt!" Blaine was shouting, waving his hand in front of my face.

"Huh, what?" Oh no! I'm supposed to be focusing on my date. With my best friend, who looked like a kicked puppy.

"Look," Blaine mumbled. "I knew tonight would be hard for you, but I didn't think you'd spend the whole time telling me about your date with Sebastian."

Had I been saying all that out loud?

"Blaine, I'm so sorry, I'll focus on us now," I said pleading.

He picked up the check and said "It's a little late for that."

"I really am sorry," I whispered once we were back in the car. Suddenly, he pulled over on the side of the deserted road. We sat silently for a few minutes, and I watched as he processed what he wanted to say.

"It's okay… I knew this would take time, and I'm willing to put forth the effort."

He stopped and took my hand.

"I really care about you Kurt, and I'm going to keep trying…for you."

I feel like a terrible person. I know I'm hurting him, but I need my best friend too much to let him go.

Two months. That's how long it's been since the disaster that was our first date. We have resorted back to friends, since I can't shake the underlying tension that keeps me from sleeping at night. I can't decide if it's good or bad, but I guess we'll figure it out.

Blaine and I were sitting on the couch watching Harry Potter. I turned my face into his chest during the death of Snape. After a minute or so, I looked up to see if it was over, and the unimaginable happened, Blaine leaned over and kissed me. It was amazing. I could practically feel the happiness flowing out of him, but my mind then snapped back to Sebastian. I shoved him away, feeling guilty and ashamed.

"What the heck are you doing?" I said angry.

"I just thought you felt the same. You've been flirting with me for months, Kurt!" Blaine replied ears red with embarrassment.

"No Blaine, you're my best friend. But if you want to be more than that, you need to let me go at my own pace!"

"Do you even have a pace. Or are you just trying to string me along!" Blaine screamed.

Suddenly, I flashed back to somewhere else, and Sebastian is in front of me trying to kiss me. "Stop it, Bas!" I shouted "You can't just fix this with a kiss. I'm mad at you."

"What? What did I do that was so bad? I was with my friends. So what?"

"You promised me Sebastian! You promised that we would hang out tonight."

"Okay…sorry. We'll just hang out tomorrow!"

"No," I screamed back, "because this is the third time this week you've done this! You don't even cancel, and I just sit around like a loser, waiting for you."

"Whatever, Kurt. It's not my fault you're obsessed with me," He snaps rolling his eyes.

"Just…just… leave me alone!" I screamed, hurt in my eyes.

"Fine… I will!" with that he jumped on his bike and sped down the road. Looking back I really wish I would have accepted that last kiss.

"Ugh! Kurt, Sebastian is dead! Why can't you understand that?" Blaine screamed at me as I shot back to the present.

"Blaine, please. Don't talk about it," I said crying.

"No, I have to because I know you won't and…" his voice breaks "It's killing me to keep going on like this."

"I'm sorry!" I sobbed "I can't do this."

"That's it!" Blaine hissed through clenched teeth "Come with me." He grabbed my arm and pulled me out to his car.

"Where are we going?"

"Just get in the car."

I got in. I didn't know what's going on, Blaine is angry and I can see it, but there's also this look of determination in his eyes. We rolled to a stop in front of the cemetery.

"No, no, no, I can't."

"Get out of the car, Kurt." Blaine said sternly.

"No! Please!" Blaine picked me up and carried me over to Bas's grave and dropped me in front of it.

"Now start talking, talk to him, talk to me, I don't care, but I'm not going to watch you ignore this any longer." Blaine was breathing heavily and was practically steaming as the rain started to fall. I looked up at the sky and screamed.

"You don't get it!" I shoved him in the chest. "You don't understand… it was my fault, he was in that wreck because of me! If we hadn't been fighting over something so… so stupid, he wouldn't have been angry! He wouldn't have been driving too fast. He would have been paying more attention! I sat there and watched him get hit, not ten minutes after that fight! I held him in my arms while he died! Do you understand that?"

Finally, I fell to the ground exhausted after my emotional outburst. Blaine sat down next to me.

"It wasn't your fault; he got hit by that semi because he ran a red light. You couldn't have done anything about it," blaine said. I just sobbed.

"I love you, Kurt; I just want to help you, please," he whispered.

"I love you too…" He was elated, and I felt awful, "but I just can't be with you." He shoved off the ground.

"Fine Kurt, don't be with me, but you need to make up your mind. I can be your friend or I can love you the way you deserve, but I can't do this anymore. You have to make a decision." With that, he walked away.

Two weeks. That's how long it's been since I pushed my best friend over the edge. That's how long it's been since I ruined the only good thing I had left. I saw Blaine the other day. He looks awful. He didn't gel his hair and he was wearing baggy sweats. I tried to make eye contact but he wasn't having it. I know I'm hurting him, and myself, but I just can't seem to let go. Ever since Blaine took me to Bas's grave, I've gone back every day. Sometimes I talk. Occasionally I just sit, listen and hope I'll get some sign of advice. The truth is, I love Blaine with all my heart, but Bas seems to have taken a piece with him when he died. Sitting here today, though, I think I understand who I have to choose. I can't believe I never saw it before. I will always love Bas, but Blaine was meant to save me. Blaine was sent to me so I could survive and love someone again. Bas wouldn't be mad at me. He would be happy that finally everyone had moved on to happier places. Now I just need to tell Blaine.

Two days. That's how long Blaine and I have been together. I never thought, after everything that happened, that I would be this happy again. It upsets me that all of this hurt and pain I put us through could have been avoided, but honestly, it seems like I needed it. I had to go through this to understand that its okay for me to be happy. Blaine is happier than I've ever seen him in all my years of being his best friend. I remember the day I told him I loved him he was so skeptical. He accused me of using his feelings for me to keep him from leaving me. I suppose he had a right to do it. It took me awhile realize how hard this was on him to have cared about me before Sebastian even died. All that is behind us now, sitting here with him in the park is the only thing I need to make me forget all my troubles and problems.

"Kuuuuuuuuurrrrrttt!" Blaine said in a sing-songy voice while nuzzling my neck, "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing, just us, and how happy I am now," I said as I relaxed into his embrace.

"Well, it took you long enough," he said jokingly.

"Jerk!" I smacked him lightly on the arm.

"Kidding! I'm kidding; you're the best thing that's ever happened to me Kurt Hummel,"

I leaned in closer to him, right by his ear and whispered, "I love you, Blaine."

He smiled that thousand watt smile, "I love you, too!"

The End