He closed his eyes.
In that instant, everything that had haunted him since he left came back in one incapacitating moment. Every word she had ever spoken to him seemed to echo in his brain, every smile flashed across his eyes, every touch they ever shared sent a tingle from his finger tips to the back of his neck. He had had it all. And now it seemed that nights like the night they shared before Ilos were further away then they had ever been.
Ash, it's good to see you.
With those six words everything he loved was lost, seemingly forever.
What the fuck had he been thinking? Two years, a dead Commander, unspeakable grief and misery later and all he could come up with was It's good to see you.
"Where the fuck was that famous Shepard charm when I needed it the most?" Shepard said aloud as he got up and turned his back on her picture, unable to look at it anymore.
Shepard had just left Horizon and was now standing in his office still wearing his N7 armor. What had he expected when he left the Normandy for the planet's surface? To find the Collectors? No! To hear Harbinger's voice taunting him? Hell no! To see Ashley again? Fuck no!
Ever since he had woken up from his two year slumber he had thought of nothing but Ashley – and his mission of course. He had thought of this moment for a while now. But never, ever had he imagined that it would play out as it had, with anger, not grief emanating from her body. With her warm brown eyes as cold and uninviting as the depths of space that he had lost his life to. She hadn't let him get a word in edge wise – explain to her that this wasn't his choice. He was bound to Cerberus by more than just his armor, ship and genetically modified body. Humanity bound him to Cerberus. And once this mission was over, that was it. Shepard was finished with the Illusive Man and his damn tricks and spies. But no one believed that Shepard had no choice. No one believed that it was Cerberus or watch Earth and her colonies burn.
Grief over took Shepard at the moment and he threw himself at his bed – physically and mentally exhausted. He couldn't get that image of her out of his head. The one memory of her he didn't want was etched on his brain. Her turning her back on him mumbling take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Had she meant what she said? Or was she just shielding herself from more pain when she walked away? Did she feel nothing for the man she once loved – at lease he thought she loved him.
As these thoughts tumbled around in his mind like wet clothes in a dryer, Shepard closed his eyes once more and let grief and anger wrap their arms around him and pull him into a disturbing, interrupted sleep.
The next morning as a sleepy and dreary Shepard made to step off the elevator on the second floor, he found his exit blocked by Kelly Chambers.
Great, who does she want to fuck now? Shepard thought as a harsh "What?" escaped his lips.
"Oh, sorry Commander," she whispered in a frightened and concerned voice, "Miranda wants to see you in her office."
"Well then I guess I'm going down then" Shepard grunted. "And by the way, next time she wants to talk to me tell her to drag her ass up to my quarters. I run this fucking ship – not a damn Cerberus officer. Understand."
Shepard closed the doors before Kelly could wipe the shocked look off her face and compose herself enough to respond. Truthfully, he had nothing against Miranda – even identified with her in many aspects. But right now he was just too pissed off and confused to worry about anyone but himself. With that Shepard exited the elevator and walked without really noticing anything towards Miranda's office.
When Shepard entered Miranda's office he didn't immediately register her. She was uncharacteristically absent from her desk and was instead staring out of her window. Shepard stood in the doorway for a full minute before Miranda finally spoke, without turning from the window.
"Shepard..." she paused for dramatic effect, or maybe to let her disapproving tone wash over him – he didn't care. "I need to ask you for help. I know you don't trust Cerberus but this isn't about that. It's my sister. I fear she may be in danger."
Miranda kept talking but Shepard wasn't listening. Instead he was scrutinizing Miranda, for she had finally turned around to look at him. Until this moment, Shepard hadn't thought of Miranda like that, but now, today of all days he was noticing things his eyes had glanced over before. Her tall, confident posture that showed off her assets but also made it clear that she was more than just a body. She was a soldier, a soldier in command of herself and those around her. The way her hair framed her face perfectly, drawing you into – as she so amply put it – her perfectly constructed face. Out of respect for Ashley and the feelings he felt – no had felt – Shepard hadn't pursued a relationship with her.
Sure she was hot, but she didn't invite anyone in. Ashley hadn't either – but he won her over little by little Shepard reminded himself. Miranda on the other hand was an entirely new deck of cards – she opened up to him but guarded herself at the same time. Was it because she knew he didn't trust Cerberus and they were a part of her life, or was it because she wasn't interested in Shepard? Fuck. Shepard thought, why were women so complicated? He hadn't shown any interest in attempting to get to know her, but here she was, opening up to him, asking for help. Was she scared? Because he certainly was, especially after Horizon. Shepard had never felt more alone and now felt like the perfect time to do something potentially dangerous and risky – just like the old days.
"Shepard...?" Miranda's quizzical voice brought him back to the Normandy. She was glancing up at him with god knows what in her eyes.
"Ya okay. Let's go now. I'll radio Joker and tell him to plot a new course and you and Mordin can meet me at the shuttle."
"Shepard..." she repeated a little softer this time. But her gentle side died there. "I need your full attention on this mission. We…I can't afford to fail."
Shepard wanted more than anything to tell her to go fuck herself. That any mission he embarked upon was his mission and that he was through taking orders from a stuck up, cold hearted bitch like her. However Shepard held his tongue with great difficulty. He needed Miranda as much for his mission as she needed him for hers. "I'm all yours." Shepard let slip before walking out of her office.
He was kidding himself if he thought he wanted Miranda. He just wanted someone to fill the void that Ashley had left in him. But only she could fill the hole she has carved out of him. No. I can't think like that. I don't even know if she still loves me. And with that Shepard jammed his helmet onto his head – leaving behind any thoughts of love and pain for the thoughts of a soldier...and only a soldier.
The mission was a success. And that was the most that Shepard could ask for these days. Miranda had already stepped out of the shuttle and gave Shepard a sly smile as she walked towards the elevator. The two had become considerably closer on this mission; especially after he had convinced her to speak to Orianna and Shepard could sense new possibilities looming over the horizon.
"Commander Shepard you have unread messages at your private terminal." Kelly spoke in a monotone voice that suggested she was still sour over their conversation several days ago. However, something in her glance registered as a warning in Shepard's mind that he was not going to like what he found in his inbox.
As he entered his private chambers, Shepard began prying off the pieces of his armor in a methodical manor. There was something – maybe the same thing – in Miranda that he had seen in Ashley. Ashley. He sighed as her name and face danced across his mind. She plagued his waking and sleeping mind – plagued because he wasn't sure how he felt and that uncertainty was tearing him apart.
Stripped down to his boxers, Shepard walked over to his private terminal and sat down ignoring the picture of Ashley on his desk. He might as well get the unpleasantness over with sooner rather than later – after all it couldn't get much worse than the personal hell he was experiencing now…right?
As his eyes travelled further and further down the page, Shepard's brow furrowed, his heart sank, stomach knotted, and fists clenched until suddenly he felt nothing. Shepard angrily pushed himself out of his chair and trudged across the room, shaking with barley controlled rage.
What the fuck did this mean. The letter was from Ashley. Apologizing for her actions on Horizon, yet making excuses at the same time. Admitting she loved (loves?) him but at the same time stating that they weren't the same people they once were. That she wasn't the same person she was two years ago. "What the fuck." He exclaimed. Who was she to tell him he was different? He was the same person he was before Cerberus rebuilt him. Did she not know that? Did she not trust him to know that? Or did Shepard really not know who he was anymore? Shepard was barely controlling his rage and confusion. I haven't changed, he thought. The only thing that's changed is that a Cerberus logo was imprinted on his t-shirts rather than an Alliance crest. If that was what this was all about why hadn't she (Shepard couldn't bring himself to even think her name) let him explain, or even listen as he tried to? I can't lose you a second time. She had said. What was she playing at? he thought. Why couldn't she admit one way or another what she was feeling. She knew but she was content to keep him in the dark.
"I can't take this. I can't fucking take this shit." Shepard exhaled. I can't lose you a second time. Did she want him back or not?
Just as Shepard was about the lose it, he heard the familiar hiss of his door opening and he hurriedly composed himself, ready to confront this unwelcome visitor when Miranda walked in. The vision of her only brought his rage closer to the boiling point.
"Oh Shepard, I'm sorry." She stammered, glancing at his half-naked frame. "I only thought that you might want to talk after the last mission. I feel like some things were left unsaid." As she spoke, her eyes moved up his body and locked onto his bloodshot eyes. "Shepard…" she stepped forward just as he stepped back. "Are you okay?" The answer was obvious in his eyes and his body language. "What's wrong?"
Why did this have to happen now? A few days ago and he would have jumped at the chance. But now – now. Shepard turned, unable to look at the temptation burning in her eyes. "Not now" he croaked. "I can't do this now." He felt her walk towards him and felt a warm hand on his shoulder, but it did little to comfort him and in fact just added to the weight suffocating him. "For the love of god Miranda just go – go." He screamed.
"Okay I'll see you later then Commander." She spoke in a heavy voice as she left him to his desperation.
Shepard turned not to watch Miranda go but to look at Ashley's smiling face forever frozen on his desk. But again it did little to comfort him and he stormed over to the desk, grabbed the picture and hurled it across the room. The holo-picture flickered and failed as a crack in the screen appeared and Shepard collapsed on his bed once more to welcome the comforting arms of sorrow as they dragged him into a lumbering and uneasy sleep.
4 days. It had been 4 days since he had returned from Illium with Miranda and Mordin. 4 days and 100s of re-readings of Ashley's letter since he left his room. As he walked through the crew quarters, Shepard could feel various pairs of eyes, both human and alien boring into him. He was sure that his behavior had unnerved them, but sometimes you have to take care of yourself and that was why Shepard found himself walking into Miranda's office.
Miranda's eyes shot up from her terminal to stare right into Shepard's eyes as he stopped in her doorway. "Commander," she began.
"Have you got a minute Miranda?" He stopped her before she could build up steam as he had no idea how she would react to his behavior.
"Of course Commander."
"Right, well, listen, I just wanted to say, about – well you know – last time we..." Shepard cleared his throat. Damn, he thought why did the Shepard charm always have to fail him at times like this.
"I understand Commander."
"I don't think you do. I need to explain myself. I just need to talk and have someone listen and not try to find the best in me or whatever. Just listen to me – jackass and all."
"Very well, Commander."
Shepard didn't speak. He didn't know how to express his emotions to himself let alone the woman sitting across from him. Why did he come here? He must be in more pain than he thought if he was under the impression that this would help. He was about the get up and leave – slink back to his chambers – when Miranda spoke.
"Williams," she simple stated.
"Williams?" he repeated – causing a fresh wave of pain to cascade all around him.
"Ashley, Commander. I was with you on Horizon and I'd like to think that after 2 years of rebuilding you and learning about everything Shepard in this universe, that I can understand you."
"Do you?" he countered.
"It's no secret that you loved her – only love can incapacitate a man such as yourself."
Shepard was silent – was this why she was no reserved around him? Had she known all along?
"I'm not sure what I want. Or what she wants for that matter." As he spoke those words he looked into her eyes for the first time that day, and with a ferocity that he had once looked into Ashley's eyes with.
"Shepard," she spoke with hesitation, longing and disapproval all at once. "We can't. I can't in good conscious walk down this path while you are taken."
"Taken? Taken?" Shepard spoke with rageful laughter. "You can't be serious Miranda. She lost me when I died 2 years ago. And I lost her on Horizon. It's over." But even as he said the words, Shepard couldn't be sure he meant them. And apparently neither could Miranda.
"I can tell you don't mean that. Take another look at your message Commander."
The thing that pissed Shepard off the most was the duplicity of the whole situation. Shepard had been offered a position in the N7 program because he had proven that he was a soldier willing to do whatever was necessary to complete the mission. Regardless of the collateral damage. He had been made a Specter to clean up a mess that no one was willing to acknowledge even existed. He had uncovered a plan to destroy the galaxy and wipe out all organic life for the sake of some bullshit cycle. And after he had saved the lives of the ungrateful bastards on the Citadel Council, what had he been given? Nothing. He was swept under the rug he had just shaken clean. Only then to be blown to hell - literally. And still no one gave a damn about him. No one cared about the sacrifices that he made. No one believed that the threat was real. And Shepard got kicked in the balls by politicians once more. These thoughts raced through Shepard's body and mind as C-Sec hauled him off his own damn ship, and led him handcuffed into the Citadel. The Alliance was there as well, scratching their balls as usual when anything important was about to go down.
300,000 Batarians were dead. All by his hand. But Shepard knew that it was necessary, and given the chance he would do it again. That was where the problem rested. No one understood. He tried to explain it to them but no one listened. And they wouldn't know just how many lives he had saved by killing those 300,000 Batarians until it was too late. And by the time it would was too late, no one would care what one single soldier had sacrificed.
This was the situation that Shepard found himself in after surviving the 'suicide mission,' he was thrust into. He was not at a bar pounding back drinks with Garrus and the rest of the crew, no he was being escorted, like a common criminal to the gallows. No, he thought, at least there are more people here to watch his spectacular fall from grace. The Alliance and the Council at lease owed him an audience.
The journey through the Omega 4 relay had taken more out of Shepard than he cared to admit. This wasn't about the cuts, bruises or broken bones, no. Any soldier worth his weight had amassed a fair amount of those, no this was about the emotional toll that the mission had had on him. Taking down Saren, his army of indoctrinated Geth and a giant fucking sentient ship had been far easier – for one simple reason. Ashley.
The night before Ilos was more than just sex to Shepard. It was about the connection that he shared with Ashely. The fear that was present in both of them that night that made them wonder if this would be their last night alive. They both made the choice to spend what they thought would be their last night alive together and what they shared that night had pushed them closer together than any year long relationship ever could. And after the battle was all said and done, Shepard didn't care that he had been swept aside by backroom politics to deal with the Geth, all he cared about was Ashley. They got to spend 3 weeks together, as more than just Officer and Commander, before it was all lost to them.
As far as Shepard was concerned he had been unjustly judged. Not just by the Council or the Alliance, but by Ashley. And that was why he had tried to forget her, tried and failed. To the galaxy, Commander Shepard had been lost to the void of space for two years, but to him, it had felt like just a few minutes of silence before people started making demands of him again. The problem was that those two years were just starting to catch up to him now, and Shepard hadn't known what to do with himself for a while now. Ashley got to grieve him for two years. She got the chance to make her peace with things before she saw him again. For Shepard it was different. He lost Ashley twice in the span of a couple of months. Once when he woke up and she wasn't there and no one would tell him where she was, and again when she turned her back on him on Horizon.
Then there was Miranda. The loyalist. She had followed Shepard through the Omega 4 relay and when he asked her she abandoned the Illusive Man and the protection he had offered her for most of her life, all for Shepard, a man so broken that he couldn't give her what she wanted. Try as hard as he could, Shepard couldn't see Miranda for who she truly was, all he saw was what Ashley used to be to him. He hated himself for that. Hated himself because he couldn't be with Miranda, and because Ashley didn't want to see him. Shepard had spent a lot of time thinking about what he would say to Ashley given the chance. Hell he had even drafted several responses to her email, but he could never shake off the pain, rejection and humiliation of Horizon long enough to push send. Even if he could have broken his personal shackles, Shepard still had the Illusive Man dogging his every step and he didn't want to give him any more ammunition. And so Shepard spent every night lying in bed alone, thinking.
As they escorted Shepard down the harbor towards the Vancouver Alliance Headquarters, he took the time to glance at all the faces that had come to catch a glimpse of him. The reporters and average citizens alike all gawking at the first human specter and Citadel hero, the Alliance regulars trying to keep the peace. Then he saw her. She was standing back from the crowd, incognito, and she wouldn't have stood out except for the fact that Shepard felt magnetically drawn to her face. She was wearing an on-duty royal blue Alliance uniform, but her hair was down and framing her heart shaped face. Fuck she looked good. But it was a bittersweet moment for Shepard. Has she come here to make a point? To prove to Shepard that she was right about Cerberus all along. If she had this was a waste of time because Shepard was on an Alliance mission. He was finished with Cerberus. Or had she come for something else? Maybe to offer comfort, a proper explanation or even an apology. Did she know what was going to happen to him? With each step towards his uncertain fate, Shepard kept his eyes locked firmly on Ashley's, and she was staring back just as intently. Shepard hadn't expected her to, given that their last meeting was less then cordial, but she was a soldier. And fierce eye contact was sometimes all that was needed to break an out of line recruit.
At least he wasn't in prison. He was stripped of his rank, his ship and isolated from his crew, but at least he had a room with a view. Shepard had been under 'house arrest' for three days now while the Alliance and Council argued over what course of action to take with him. Did it matter that he saved all their asses three times now? Of course not. It didn't even matter that the reapers where on their way to earth and no one was prepared to withstand them. What mattered was the politics behind the situation. The batarians were demanding Shepard's head for the destruction that he caused and the Alliance…while Shepard wasn't quite sure what they planned to do with him. Admirals Hackett and Anderson stood behind Shepard, assuring him that they would do all they could to avoid a court-martial, and they alone were trying to prepare for the imminent invasion, but it was the jackasses of the galaxy like Udina and the rest of the councilors that were content to sit around and talk during what very well could be the last of their days.
Shepard was standing at the window staring down at earth, the planet he had sacrificed so much to keep safe. He was too lost in thought to hear the door open behind him. "Hey Shepard," Lieutenant Vega, Shepard's court-appointed babysitter's gruff voice called out from behind him, "there's someone here to see you. Do you want me to let them in?"
Assuming it was Anderson or Hackett, Shepard nodded in affirmation without turning from the window or his thoughts of reapers.
"Shepard." The sound of that voice stopped Shepard's heart. But only for a second, before it was replaced with anger. However, that emotion faded too as Shepard turned slowly from the window to stare at Ashley. Did she come all this way to walk out on me again? Shepard thought. What is she doing here?
"Ashley…" Was all he could think to muster as they stood at separate ends of the room. Shepard was staring intently at Ashley's face while she was doing all she could to avoid his gaze.
"I'm not really sure why I came Commander," she said, finally looking up at him. "I think I just needed to see you again."
Shepard was in disbelief…or was that anger. Here was the woman that he loved, the woman who had walked out on him when all he needed was her trust. She had made it clear that they were over, that they were different people. Yet here she was, standing before him just before his fate was decided. Shepard wasn't sure what to feel, or what she wanted but it was about damn time for some straight answers.
"Take a seat Ash." 'Ash,' despite it all he still referred to her by his pet name for her.
She made no attempt to move but rather looked into his eyes. "The reapers are coming." It wasn't a question, but a simple statement.
"Ya, they are. And we aren't ready. Not even close." Shepard crossed his arms and leaned against the wall looking at Ash. Could he open up to her about everything that happened with Dr. Kenson, or would she refuse to listen again?
"What are you going to do about it?"
"What can I do?" exclaimed Shepard, standing up straight and turning his back on Ashley. "You saw Vega standing outside, he's more than just a door man Ashley. The Alliance has me under guard, they have my ship and they've taken my crew from me. I don't have a lot of options right now."
"Your ship, or Cerberus's?"
Shepard snapped around and took several forceful steps towards Ashley. "Really, you're going to throw that in my face again?"
The force with which he spoke must have taken Ashley off guard because she took a step back before adding: "Shepard I need to know…"
"No! You don't get to make demands and you sure as hell don't get to question my motives. I stopped Saren and saved the ungrateful bastards on the council. I blew the Collector's base to hell. And I stopped the reaper invasion giving us all time to prepare. Me! And you have the audacity to question my damn allegiance." Shepard was letting it all out. Not just the injustice that the Alliance was serving him right now but the pain he had experienced on Horizon when Ashley walked away. I used Cerberus's intel and resources to save not only humanity but every species in this galaxy and if you had bothered to listen on Horizon you would know that I never abandoned the Alliance. They abandoned me!" The anger in Shepard's voice was receding to be replaced by pain and sorrow. "All I wanted was your trust, and the same loyalty that I would have shown you. But you couldn't give me that could you?"
"Two years…"
"Ya, it was two years for you. But it was only a few minutes for me. One second I was watching you run for an escape pod and the next I was waking up on an operating table. Did you think I wanted to die, had planned on it? Do you want to know what the first thing I did when I woke up was? I asked about you. You Ash. Every damn person that I could find I questioned and no one could give me any answers so don't fucking act like I left you. You walked away on Horizon, not me."
After holding it in for so long, all the emotions that he had felt towards Ashley since he woke up, it felt good to let it out. But as soon as it was all said, the guilt started to flood his system. She was here after all. She had come back, and to lose her again after this long would be unbearable. For the first time since he had meet her, Ashley was silent, no smartass remark was spewing out of her mouth, and because of that Shepard began to wonder if he had gone too far.
"Look, I'm sorry I just needed to let it out. Remember how you felt when I died? That's how I felt on Horizon. You lost me when the Collector's attacked the Normandy, and I guess I lost you on Horizon." As he said the words, Shepard felt a weight crash upon him, was this how it would end? He didn't want it to, but if she couldn't trust him where could they go?
"This isn't about you being gone for two years. This is about who you are working for."
"Worked for. The only reason we joined forces was to take down the Collectors. Once the threat was neutralized we said our goodbyes, and believe we, it was not amicable. The only reason I joined up with Cerberus was because the Alliance wasn't doing a damn thing to save the Colonists. I wasn't going to live through another Akuze. Especially not knowing that I could have stopped this one."
The pain was crippling for Shepard. All the emotions that he tried to hide, that he tried to forget were coming up in one incapacitating moment. The only safe haven that he had was Ashley's eyes. He saw the same fear and concern he felt reflected in her eyes. Had he fucked this all up with his outburst or had he finally convinced her that he was still the same man he always was. He needed to know.
"I haven't changed. You of all people should know that I could never support Cerberus's mandate. Hell, if I remember correctly, you were the one who didn't approve of my crew choices on the original Normandy."
"Shepard you died. You were dead. I saw it happen. I sat helplessly in an escape pod and watched you die. I screamed for you and I cried for you, but it didn't end there. For two years I mourned you and then you came back. You can't blame me for not knowing how to react. I didn't know if you would remember, if you would still love me, and what would I do if I found out you didn't love me. It would be like losing you all over again. I wasn't strong enough to do that once, I sure as hell couldn't do it a second time. So I had to act first. To save us both more pain."
Tears were beginning to build up in the corners of Ashley's eyes, but she wouldn't let herself cry. She was a soldier, like he was and soldiers weren't supposed to show emotion. They were supposed to get the job done. No questions, no explanations needed, just follow orders. But it was too much for Shepard to bear. He could handle his own pain. He had been forced to ever since he was 16 and his parents and whole damn colony were wiped out by batarian slavers. But to see Ashley in pain, and to know that there was nothing he could do about it, because he was the cause of it, was too much for him. After months of harboring anger towards her, and thinking about this exact moment over and over again, it had played out much differently then he could have imagined. And just like that the pain disappeared, only to be replaced by a longing. A longing that had never really gone, that had just been masked by anger and fear, the same fear that she had, that it was over for them.
"Do you remember what you said to me right before I left for Ilos? You were about to say something to me, but you stopped yourself. You said that if I wanted to hear it I would have to come back." Shepard was slowly closing the gap between them. He needed to be close to her again, he could feel himself being torn apart and the only thing that could keep him whole as her. She needed to know. And it was now or never. "Well I came back, but you didn't say it." They were close now. Much closer then they had been in a while. He could feel the heat emanating from her body, could smell her perfume and could feel himself healing. He reached out with his hand and grabbed hers. It was soft, much softer than a soldier's hand should be, but it felt like home. "Do you feel that?" He squeezed her hand to make sure she could. "That's me Ash. Shepard. The same Shepard that went down to Ilos. I had to leave again, but I came back again. And you still haven't said it. So I guess it's up to me."
With his other hand, Shepard reached up and lightly grabbed her chin and he tilted her face up to his so that they were looking in each other's eyes. "I love you Ash. I'm sorry it took so long for me to say that but I've been a little busy." He grinned his classic Shepard grin and could have sworn that for a second she was grinning back. Then she let go. She dropped his hand and backed away, no longer looking at him. Shepard made no move to stop her and as she turned from him, he was sure that she had finally dropped the soldier persona that she worked so hard to maintain and had finally succumbed to her tears.
But when she spoke, her voice was as strong as her resolve. "Shepard you can't just…I still don't know what to feel. I tried to bury everything that I felt for you, tried to turn you into the bad guy, but I can't do that anymore. I just… just don't know what to do."
Rejection. She was going to hand that to him again. It wasn't anger that he felt this time, just a crushing wave of defeat. Nothing mattered anymore. If he couldn't have her what did it matter if earth burned? "Well then I guess it's up to you to decide," he replied with steel in his voice before she walked out on him again.