She-who-shall-not-be-named for fear of summoning her mischevious presence challenged me to write a story about Fang and Lightning having a drinking competition. This is the result. Let's see if she regrets it.

Rating: No smut – all talk no action so rated M just to be safe.

Warnings: Femslash and lots of naughty words. Adult themes.

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Square Enix.

The morning after the night before...

Vanille was a morning person. While most of the populace awoke with a scowl and hid from the morning for as long as possible, she was one of those annoying people who welcomed the day with joy in heart and a song on her lips. But today she was feeling particularly chipper as she skipped down the stairs. It was because this morning was going to be a lot of fun: she could guarantee it.

She danced into the kitchen and poured herself a big bowl of her favourite chocolate covered cereal and tall glass of strawberry milkshake. This high sugared breakfast was a treat she indulged in every Sunday sprawled out on the living room sofa and watching her favourite TV shows. But today she left the TV off because on this particular day reality was going to be far more entertaining.

She sat down on the sofa with her breakfast and waited….

Two loud screams suddenly rang through the quiet house.

Vanille giggled into her cereal. This morning was going to be so much fun.

XXXOXXX

The night before...

Serah pushed her way through Lebreau's crowded bar until she found Vanille sitting alone at the bar. "Sorry I'm late," Serah apologised as she reached her friend. "Snow was being a giving me another speech about washing dishes or something and…," she trailed off as Vanille's looked up at her with a very unusually bored expression. "What's wrong with you? And where are the other two?" She said when she realised Vanille was sitting alone.

Vanille's dull eyes glanced at her friend. "They're flirting again," she replied.

Vanille waved towards the table next to the bar where Lightning and Fang where in the midst of a drinking game. Serah responded with an aggravated sigh. "You know you shouldn't put them into any situations where they can compete."

"It's not my fault!" Vanille squeaked defensively. "Lightning came in when we were playing a friendly game of table rugby so Fang challenged her to a match, which Lightning won. Being as competitive as always Fang then suggests an arm wrestle which she wins. Then Lightning suggests best of three, Fang proposes a drinking contest and they buy a bottle of Rice Wine and there they are," Vanille ranted in a huff. She leaned her head on her elbow. "They've been at it for a while. At first it attracted quite a crowd until everyone got bored of their banter and wandered off."

"Oh no not their banter," Serah groaned, their attempts at flirtatious back-and-forth was so boring.

With an empathetic huff Serah sat down at the bar with her friend and the two women listened in to the warriors' 'banter'.

"...why are you always so interested in my personal life," Lightning sighed.

"I'm intrigued. I mean you're so aloof and sex is generally considered a team effort," Fang laughed. "It makes me wonder if you even have 'sex' or do you consider it just an irritating bodily necessity? I mean is it just something that you feel you have to do to satisfy a need? Cause all the years I've know ya you've never had a boyfriend which makes me think your more about the gratification than the relationship." She sloppily poured them both another drink."

"Just because, unlike you, I choose not to sleep with everyone over the age of consent doesn't mean I don't have partners." Lightning said picking up her shot glass. "I just choose not to blabber about my private life with the rest of Bodhum."

Lightning took a shot so Fang took a shot.

Fang slammed her glass down and shook her head. "I don't know where you get this idea that I'm slutty? I mean sure I like a flirt, who doesn't, but just because I flirt with them doesn't mean I sleep with 'em. Do you want to hear my theory on why you think I'm a hussy?"

"Noooo," Lightning groaned feeling bored.

"My theory is that you can't even conceive that flirting can just be a bit of fun and nonsense because like sex you see flirting as just as a means to an end, an irritating prelude to what you want. In bed you're probably like an emotional robot trying to get yourself off as quickly as possible," Fang laughed refilling their glasses. "And barking instructions as you go; twist here, bite there, kiss here and repeat."

"Well just because I don't flirt doesn't mean I'm frigid. I'll have you know I'm a very affectic-," Lightning hiccupped, "affectionate and inventive lover. Whereas I imagine with all your 'playfulness' you'd be like a puppy; bounding around with endless energy but never really getting anywhere. Isn't that right pup?"

Lightning took a shot so Fang took a shot.

Fang sneered at the soldier. "Well if I am I've never had any complaints. Bet I'm better than you are Ice Queen."

Lightning thoughtfully leaned back in her seat and watched Fang sullenly play with her empty shot glass. "You realise that there's one way you can prove it," she proposed.

Fang blinked. "What like cop off with someone and get them to tell you about it? I don't like the sound of that, sounds kinda creepy." She frowned topping up their glasses.

"No. I mean take me back to your bed and prove it."

"WHAT? Shit!" Fang yelled as distracted she missed the glasses and poured alcohol over the table and into her lap. She placed the bottle back onto the table and cursing wiped the alcohol from her dress. "I can't do that you're drunk!"

"You're drunk too; drink for drink in fact. What's the big deal it's just sex?" Lightning shrugged.

"Just sex! Since when are you so blasé about anything?" Fang said shocked by the sudden role reversal. "We can't because...," Fang frowned as she tried to think of a reason. "We jus' can't that's all."

"Ohhhh I seeee, you're worried I'll be the better lover," Lightning goaded as she leaned towards the brunette. "I never thought I'd see the day when Oerba yun Fang backed out of a challenge. Or should I say Oerba yun Fowl."

"That was so lame it made my ears' sad," Fang glowered. "We shouldn't because I think the drink is affecting your inhib…inhibidibib…the drink is making you slutty and you're not thinking straight." Her eyes widened as Lightning quietly began to make the customary noises associated with cowardice. "Don't you dare make chicken noises! Don't you dare!" the proud huntress threatened through her teeth, leaning across the table towards the solider. "Oerba yun Fang is not chicken."

"Prove it pup," Lightning said simply, now nose to nose with the brunette.

"Fine," Fang snapped. "I'll show you." she promised standing up and unbalancing herself slightly as she threw her handbag over her shoulder. "I'm gonna sex you so good."

Lightning stood up. "Nooo," she prodded Fang's shoulder. "I'm gonna sex you so good," she countered poorly as the alcohol rushed to her head and affected her reasoning abilities.

They both kept eye contact as they took their last shot together. And then as one, on weak and drunken legs they stood up, left the table and stumbled towards the exit.

"Should we stop them?" Vanille asked Serah as they watched Fang link arms with Lightning.

"..what are you doing that for?"

"I'm stopping you from falling over Captain Drunky."

"How is that gonna help if your drunk too Oerba Yun Woozy floozy?"

"Seriously Lightning? If you have a problem with this level of intimacy, I'm definitely going to win at sex."

"Fucccck yoooou!"

"Hey Miss Potty mouth, wait 'til we get back to mine. Who knew that Lightning Farron was such an exhibitionist…"

"Nah," Serah decided with a grin. "I'm sick of all their sexual tension. let them get it out of their system so we can get on with our lives. Come on," she giggled grabbing Vanille's hands and dragging her towards the dance floor, "I'm here to have fun so let's throw some shapes."

XXXOXXX

The morning after the night before...

The two friends stood on opposite sides of Fang's bed staring at each other in horror as they clutched onto large pillows to cover their modesty.

"What the bloody hell are you screaming for?" Fang complained holding her head with one hand. "My head is fucking killing me!"

"You screamed too!" Lightning countered holding onto her pillow for dear life.

"Because I woke up to a crazy person yelling in my face!"

"Oh my god," Lightning exclaimed as a thought suddenly occurred to her and brought with it a far more pressing matter. She was naked, Fang was naked. She'd been naked in Fangs bed with a naked Fang. Does that mean ..."Oh god we didn't did we? Did we, did we…do…it?"

"Do what?" Fang squinted questioningly at Lightning. "Have sex you mean?" Lightning flinched and nodded her head. "Can't you remember?" Fang said surprised that anyone could forget a wild night like last night. Lightning frantically shook her head, she couldn't remember a thing. "Oh. Errrrrrrmm well you're naked and I'm naked. And I got bite marks in places I can't reach," she said glancing over her own shoulder, "sooooo..." Fang let her sentence hang in the air. She didn't need to finish it.

"Oh god, oh god, ohgod, ohgod, ohgodohgodohgodohgod." Lightning lamented as she squeezed her pillow tighter. "Not you, not you, anyone but you. Lebreau, even Szah but not you."

"Heyyyy," Fang complained, "what the hell is wrong with me?" She felt wounded. If her hands had been free she would have had them on her hips to magnify the affronted expression on her face.

"I've got to get out of here. Where the hell are my clothes?" Lightning quickly began searching for her dress and underwear in Fang's untidy bedroom (a very difficult task when you're trying not to show any naked flesh using some canny posing and a pillow).

"I said what the hell is wrong with me?" Fang yelled and stamped her foot to get Lightning's attention.

"Look, you may be used to this...kind of predicament but I tend to choose partners who are a little more suited to my tastes."

"More suited to your tastes? Ohhh, you mean boring. Well I'm so sorry I don't meet your mediocre standards. I also have a reputation to maintain, one of being fun and outgoing so I'm not exactly thrilled that I've slept with the ice queen of New Bodhum,"

"Like I give a rat's ass what you think," Lightning lied. She took a deep breath to compose herself. "Obviously we both regret it so let's just pretend that it never happened," she suggested and missed the hurt expression on Fang's face as she kneaded down to look under the bed. "Ah-ha," Lightning cheered pulling out her clothes. She looked at her clothes in one hand and the pillow that was hiding her from Fang in the other. She rolled her eyes. "Could you please turn around?"

"Fine," Fang snapped as she turned around moving her pillow so it covered her back. This is ridiculous, Fang thought. Even after spending the night together they still couldn't go more than one minute without arguing. But if Lightning wanted an argument, she'd give her an argument and she knew just how to really infuriate the prudish introvert.

"I don't know why you're bothering to hide yourself from me," Fang smiled roguishly. "Your memory may be suspiciously absent but I remember every detail, and all from very different, and very interesting angles."

Scowling, Lightning pulled her dress down and threw her pillow at the back of the irritating huntress' head.

Fang turned and smiled tauntingly. "In fact it so embedded into my brain I can see you naked whenever I want." Fang closed her eyes, "naked Lightning," then opened her eyes to look directly at the soldier, "dressed Lightning. Naked. Dressed. Naked. Dressed." she said, demonstrated her good memory while opening and closing her eyes.

"Why do you have to be so obnoxious?" Lightning screamed in frustration until her face turned a deep red to conceal the underlying blush.

"Well you're the only one who has ever called me that. So if I am obnoxious towards you I guess it's just because you bring out the worst in me!"

"I don't know why I tolerate you!" Lightning yelled feeling all hot and bothered (by the argument of course). "And will you put on some damn clothes!"

"No." Fang roared. "I have nothing to be ashamed of," she realised and threw down the pillow covering her body.

Lightning's eyes twitched as she forced them to stay above Fang's neckline. She quickly stormed towards the door to avoid any temptations and escape the memories that suddenly began to poke into her consciousness. "At least that makes one of us. I just want to forget last night ever happened," she screamed slamming the door shut behind her but Fang quickly followed her tearing the door back open a second later.

Lightning marched down the stairs and into the living room. "Good morning Vanille," an annoyed Lightning greeted. And without looking at the red head she picked up her shoes and handbag scattered across the floor and continued her march of shame towards the front door.

"Morning", Vanille chirped trying not to smile at the soldier's messy and flustered appearance. She squeaked in surprise when Fang quickly followed, nearly falling off the sofa as she physically tried to create some distance between her and the sight of her naked foster-sister.

"Hi Vanille." Fang said, verbally acknowledging the woman scrambling away from her but her narrowed eyes never left the soldier. "You wanna forget about last night, well that's just fine with me darlin'. But when you do regain your memories of last night and remember that I was, according to you 'the best you've ever had," she paraphrased with air quotes, "don't come sniffing round me for another go with the goods." and explained which goods she meant by waving a hand up and down in front of her own body.

Lightning put on her shoes and pointed a threatening finger at the huntress. "Fuck you Fang." Then she turned, opened the front door, rushed outside trying to slam the door behind her.

Fang ran forward to stop the door from closing and standing on the threshold in all her glory shouted at the escaping soldiers back, "you already did that sweetheart, well and truly. Or is your memory still being selective about that!" And then she showed the soldier how to really slam a door. She slammed the door shut so hard it made every door frame in the house shudder in sympathy.

Vanille couldn't stop herself from giggling.

Fang finished glowering at the closed door and turned towards her amused friend. "And what exactly do you find so funny missy?" she asked with her hands on her hips.

"You suck at romance," Vanille laughed.

"What she started it! And besides she'll be back," Fang shrugged, folding her arms across her chest.

Vanille wondered who exactly her sister was trying to convince because nonchalant people aren't supposed to look so anxious.

"Fang."

"Yep?"

"Put some clothes on."

Unperturbed Fang looked down at her body. "Oh yeah!" She said causally, she'd forgotten she was naked.

Fang wandered back to her room grumbling to herself. "...she'll be back. She didn't think I saw but I did, there was indisputable eye twitchyness and a sneaky gander. She'll definitely be back: I guarantee it..."

Vanille rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. I can't believe I used to follow those two. What a pair of idiots.

This is definitely the last time I write a story that involves either Fang or Lightning being drunk…okay probably the last time…okay maybe.

So I hope you liked my oneshot. I quite like the open ending so I'll probably leave it there.

Oh là là please R and R. Thanks for reading.

P.S. Chinese rice wine is evil. When something burns you lips it's not meant for consumption – I learnt the hard way.