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Once upon a time, there were two sick fangirls who liked to write fanfiction. They did not like Nakago very much, even though they felt bad for him, because he was very mean to Tomo, who they loved very much. But that's not the point of this story... or is it?
CAST LIST
(Note: The names are changed accordingly, this is just so you know
who's who.)
Nakago..................................Princess Aurora
Tomo.....................................Prince Philip
Soi.........................................Maleficent
Ashitare......................Maleficent's Crow
Suboshi..................................Flora
Amiboshi................................Fauna
Miboshi..................................Meriweather
Seiryuu.........................Aurora's father
Yui......................Aurora's mother
Genbu..........................Philip's father
Once upon a time, a God and a Miko desperately wanted a Seishi. Finally their prayers were answered (Seiryuu prayed to Taiitsukun, this is not a continuity error) and they had a son, whom they named Nakago.
At the baby's christening, all the God and Miko's loyal subjects showered him with gifts and good wishes. The God of a neighboring country, Genbu, had arranged (by way of drunken card game) for Nakago to someday wed his son, Prince Tomo.
Seishi Interlude:
Soi gagged. Nakago turned white. Tomo thanked his lucky stars (no pun intended).
Back to the story:
Prince Tomo approached the baby's cradle and looked at his future bride (groom?). He turned to his father with large shimmer eyes. "You mean it, Daddy?"
Genbu nodded benevolently, pointedly ignoring the filthy glare Seiryuu was giving him. Yui, meanwhile, was giving her husband a vile look of her own. "How did you lose our son's marriage in a card game?!" she hissed through a false smile to the audience.
"I told you; I don't remember!" he growled back, not bothering to hide his scowl. "But he has it in writing!"
Suddenly, a suspicious beam of light descended from on high, ridden by the three good (well, two of 'em were good; the other was there because the authors are twisted) magical guardians of the kingdom, Floraboshi, Faunaboshi, and Meriboshi.
Seishi Interlude:
"WHAT THE--?!" the three Boshi's screamed in unison. The rest of the seishi snickered.
Story:
"Your Majesties," Floraboshi said, "we have come to bestow gifts upon the young Prince."
He stepped forward, raising his wand.
Seishi Interlude:
"I get to be the leader? COOL!" Amiboshi and Miboshi sweatdropped and glared at the sky.
Story:
"Okay, my gift is going to be the gift of Sex Appeal. You will grow to be a sexy bitch, and you will be able to bed any chick you want!"
"But, good fairy--" Yui spoke up.
"I AM NOT A FAIRY! I am a MAGICAL WINGED GUARDIAN! Get it right!"
"But, Nakago is already betrothed to--to..." She gave up and pointed at Prince Tomo, who was firmly glomped onto Floraboshi's robes, staring up at him with still shimmering eyes.
"THANK YOU SO MUCH!" the boy squealed ecstatically.
"Oh. Well, there's a waste of a good present," Floraboshi grumbled, detaching the prince from his waist and going back to the other fa--magical winged guardians. "Your turn, Aniki."
Faunaboshi approached the cradle, rolling up his sleeves and gesturing with his flute (no, he doesn't use a wand). "Prince Nakago, I give you a voice fit to summon angels from the Heavens. People will gather from the farthest reaches of the globe to hear you sing. I give you the gift of--"
That's gay! The kid's already going to have enough problems, Floraboshi thought. Leaning forward, he muttered, "Bad song."
"--bad song. NO! WAIT! STOP!!!" But, it was too late. The flute shone faint emerald, and a sickly yellow-green light settled around Nakago's throat before fading.
"Dammit!" Faunaboshi tackled his brother and proceeded to beat the crap out of him like we know he can.
Floating over the two brawling guardians, Meriboshi drifted up to the crib, fully prepared to "gift" the baby with the insane need to crossdress and manage professional creamed corn wrestling. Suddenly, the castle shook with an explosion of pink smoke.
It was Malefesoi, the wicked PMS fairy! Accompanied by a very large hunched over hairy man! She smiled at the God and Miko. "I knew you wouldn't forget to invite ME to the christening, would you? Stay, loyal hound." Her loyal hound sat down and wagged his butt, because he didn't have a tail.
Seishi Interlude:
Ashitare barked happily and wagged his butt.
Story:
Yui looked panicked. "N-no, of course not," she stammered. "Your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail!"
Malefesoi nodded happily and threw open her arms, revealing thousands upon thousands of baby toys, diapers and the like stuffed into her sleeves. Dropping them all, she hurried to the cradle and picked up baby Nakago, cooing and gibbering in baby-talk.
"Oh, you're so cute! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"
Seishi Interlude:
"Baby Nakkie-poo!" Soi squealed, shimmer eyes a' shimmerin' and shiawase bubbles a' floatin'. "So cute!"
Nakago and Tomo both glared at her and popped the bubbles when they got too close.
Story:
Nakago, happy to be held by ANYONE but him, made cute baby noises. Then, Malefesoi bounced him one too many times. Nakago turned distinctly green and ejected gooey baby vomit all over her dress (like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist.")
Malefesoi dropped the kid and stared balefully. "Big mistake, brat," she snapped. "Now you'll see why they call me the evil PMS fairy!" She gestured with her staff. "Before the sun sets on your twentieth-"
Tomo panicked. "I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!"
"Okay, FINE. Before the sun sets on your SIXTEENTH birthday, then. That'll make it that much sooner. Before the sun sets on your sixteenth birthday, you shall prick your finger on a prayer wheel and DIE!"
The crowd gasped in horror. Tomo fainted.
Seishi Interlude:
Miboshi snapped his fingers. "Damn it! I don't even get to give him his 'gift'?"
The authors appeared! "Oh, don't worry! You'll get your chance!"
Story:
Seiryuu, while not pleased with the idea that his son was going to live such a short life, was a little happy about the idea that he would not marry Tomo.
Seishi Interlude:
Tomo whimpered, "I thought you liked me, Seiryuu?"
Genbu popped up out of nowhere and gave Tomo a V-For-Victory. "Seiryuu has nothing to do with it, and relax, I'm responsible for the blanket fic, too!"
Mass sweatdropping.
Story:
Malefesoi grinned. "Loyal hound! Come!... GET OFF THAT FAIRY RIGHT THIS MINUTE! Bad, BAD hound! Bad!"
Meriboshi furiously waved his prayer wheel at the large, sex-crazed and drooling minion of Evil, hoping to poke an eye out like everyone said he would someday, trying to get him to stop trying to mate with what would have been his leg, had Meriboshi's legs been big enough for him to do so. "GO AWAY YOU PERVERT DOG!"
Seishi Interlude:
"That's just sick. What kind of low, crass humor is this?" Miboshi asked.
The authors appeared! "Our kind!"
Story:
Faunaboshi was trying none too hard to get the thing away from his fellow fai-- Magical Winged Guardian, but nobody really wants to get too close to a horny wolf-man. Floraboshi, however, was rolling around laughing until his sides hurt and then some, wings twitching helplessly.
Malefesoi was getting angry because this whole thing was ruining the drama of the moment. "HOUND! Get over here, NOW! We are leaving!"
Finally he abandoned Meriboshi's prone form with an apologetic lick on the face and leapt to perch on Malefesoi's staff, which he could not do because his bulky ass was just too big. He fell gracelessly on his face, and Malefesoi cued the cloud of angry cranberry-red smoke and both of them disappeared.
Yui-sama, who decided to get the story back on track, picked up Nakago, who was sitting, dazed, on the court floor. "Oh, my poor son!"
Faunaboshi looked at Meriboshi and pointed at the baby. "DO something. You still have to give him his birthday present!"
Seishi Interlude:
Miboshi rubbed his hands together in gleeful anticipation.
Everyone else swallowed and/or sweatdropped.
Story:
Meriboshi adjusted his dress and tipped his pointed hat in the right direction and raised his prayer wheel. Man, I hate to think I'm doing something NICE for the little punk... but.. if he LIVES...HA HA HA HA HA. "Okay, Prince Nakago. I got ya present for ya right here! On your sixteenth birthday, should you prick your finger on a prayer wheel, you will NOT die, but fall into a deep sleep. You will be awakened by your true...uhm, betrothed's kiss- and not just a peck, either, I mean a REAL kiss, lips, tongue, the whole nine yards- and live happily ever after."
Tomo looked up and cheered, "LUCKY!!"
Seishi Interlude:
Tomo looked up and cheered, "LUCKY!!"
Nakago scowled at the world in general, and Soi gagged.
Story:
The God and the Miko ordered all prayer wheels in the kingdom to be burned in a huge bonfire, which was started by an anonymous pyromaniac bandit from some mountain or another, to protect the Prince. However, the three Magical Winged Guardians knew how powerful and sneaky Malefesoi was, and met to discuss the matter.
"I know! We can turn him into a napalm cannon!"
Faunaboshi gasped at his twin's idea. "That's AWFUL! Let's turn him into something nice, like a flute!"
"I say we turn him into a rotten, festering corpse, but that's just me."
"SHUT UP, MERIBOSHI!" the twins barked.
"Well, who says we have to turn him into something? Let's just take him into the woods, find an empty cottage or something, and bring him home later!" Faunaboshi concluded. The others nodded. "But we can't let him know anything about his heritage! We'll have to stop using our magic until he's old enough to go home."
Floraboshi nodded violently. "Yep, no more of this prissy magic wand crap, give 'em here! Aniki, your flute?"
Faunaboshi sniffed and handed his twin his flute. "Okay, but be careful with it!"
Floraboshi turned to Meriboshi. "And-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A PRAYER WHEEL!? GIVE ME THAT!" and he swiped Meriboshi's prayer wheel. When he had both of the items tucked safely away in itemspace, he used his own magic wand and zapped all their wings away.
"Thank you, now I can just float like I normally do without those insipid wings!" Meriboshi declared, scratching his shoulder blades. "Those stupid things itch."
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago noticed something. "Haven't I had enough bad experiences with empty buildings?"
The authors appeared! "Not by a long shot!"
Tomo beamed.
Story:
And so, the three Magical Winged Guardians took baby Nakago and ran into the woods, where a convenient empty woodcutter's cottage awaited them.
Sixteen years later, the day of Nakago's birthday>
Malefesoi had been on a PMS rage for sixteen years, and she was not happy. The stupid curse had caused the unending flow of hormones and the only way to cure it would be to fulfill said curse, and have Nakago die. Which really sucked, Malefesoi thought, because she genuinely liked Nakago and didn't really want him to die. Of course, no man is worth sixteen years of cramps, bloating, headaches, and a craving for cookie dough ice cream (which didn't exist back then and made it all the worse).
So, she deployed her Kutou assassins every day since the christening to cure her condition sooner. But no one ever found him.
The legions of Kutou assassins came out of the shoebox under Malefesoi's bed, where she kept them until they were needed, and lined up in formation.
"Yes, Malefesoi, ma'am!"
"Why haven't you brought me the boy?!"
The leader looked around at his troops, all of them shrugging stupidly. "Boy?... What boy?"
Malefesoi began to glow menacingly, and her loyal hound started gnashing his teeth. "The boy you have been searching for the past sixteen years, idiot."
Seishi Interlude:
"Why do I have to be the bad guy? And I do NOT have PMS!"
Nakago looked at her. "Because the powers that be are sick, and yes you do."
Story:
The leader had decided that he and his men would be smarter than the goblin soldiers in the story and actually look for a grown, sixteen-year-old girl. Unfortunately, Nakago was not that lucky. "Uhm, it's "Sleeping Beauty", right? It's supposed to be a girl..."
Malefesoi's glowing turned fluorescent and began throwing eerie shadows everywhere, and a warning showed up on the wall that read "Do Not Look Directly At Malefesoi". "IDIOTS! THIS STORY IS THE SLEEPING BISHOUNEN, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR A BOY!"
And so, the Kutou assassins were smote.
She slumped down into her throne and took two Midols. She rubbed her temples and called forth her loyal hound. "Loyal hound, you are far more competent than they were, as much as that scares me."
"Arf!" barked the loyal hound.
Seishi Interlude:
"That's true, you know, Ashitare being more competent than the assassins? Ashitare killed someone and swiped the Shinzaho!"
"Arf!" barked the loyal hound.
Story:
Malefesoi patted her hound on the head as he wagged his butt. "Find me a shogun with hair of sunshine gold, and eyes as blue as.... well, they're REALLY blue. Why am I telling you this? You're colorblind."
Seishi Interlude:
Tomo and Soi drooled at the never-long-enough description of Nakago's beauty.
Ashitare licked Nakago's boots.
Nakago tried to pretend it wasn't happening.
Story:
And so, the loyal hound bounded off through the window and landed square on his face, because the window was up twelve stories.
In the aforementioned convenient woodcutter's cottage>
"Oh, New-ton! Where are you, dear?" Faunaboshi called. He had the largest hand in raising Nakago since they had brought him here, and had been the one to choose a new name for him. Meriboshi wanted to call him something like Demonspawn or Satan, and Floraboshi wanted to name him a really manly name, like Bubba.
Seishi Interlude:
"Newton? Amiboshi, come on, fess up, are you gay?"
"I AM NOT! Newton is a NICE name. It's from the guy who discovered gravity!"
"He's not gay, Yui-sama. If he was gay, I would be too, and we all know I'M not gay."
"Suuuure you're not."
"I'M NOT! Really! Come on, I'm straight! I love Yui-sama!"
Tomo quietly took Suboshi's hands and looked straight into his eyes. "It's okay, Suboshi, you're overcompensating. Don't be afraid to be who you are!"
Suboshi turned blue.
Story:
And so, "Newton" came into the room. "Yes, Uncle Faunaboshi?"
Faunaboshi smiled. He really had grown up to be a sexy bitch, just as Floraboshi promised. He had a voice that could peel paint off a building but the looks generally made up for it, if he didn't sing. Of course, Nakago LIKED to sing and that just made everything worse.
Seishi Interlude:
"Is it over yet? Can I go get something to eat?"
Tomo jumped up, Shin in hand. "NO ONE MOVES UNTIL THE STORY IS FINISHED."
Story:
"Would you be a dear and go out into the woods and pick berries for us?" Faunaboshi asked, handing him a basket.
Floraboshi, however, would hear nothing of the sort. "Berries!? You are raising this boy to be a pansy, Aniki, and I intend to do something about it. Newt, go out and find an animal. Kill it. Mutilate it. If you get hungry, you can start a fire with some sticks and roast it over an open flame. Just remember to kill it good and dead and bring it home."
Newton smiled. Hunting was so much more fun than berries! He said, "Of course, Uncle Floraboshi!" and he was on his way out.
"Wait, Newton! You forgot your bow and arrows!" Meriboshi said evilly. He had cursed them, and every arrow would fly straight into Newton's heart once it left the string.
"Oh, don't worry about it, Aunt Meriboshi! I'll just ki-blast everything I hunt! Bye-bye!"
Seishi Interlude:
"Bye-bye?"
"Don't look at ME, Aniki raised him."
"And you're both gay."
"WE ARE NOT!"
Story:
And so, Newton went to go hunt and kill something. "Good, he's gone!" Faunaboshi said happily. "Now we're going to make his birthday cake and a new dress-"
"OKAY, ANIKI," Floraboshi said. "I'm putting my foot down on this one. Newton? Okay. Berries? I can deal with berries. But you even THINK of putting a dress on that boy and I swear I will shove the business end of a ryuuseisui up your ass until you cough up feathers, you got me!?"
Faunaboshi looked hurt. "But it would look so cute..."
"BE A MAN, ANIKI, you don't DO cute! We're gonna make him something MANLY, and that's FINAL."
Seishi Interlude:
"Thank you, Suboshi."
"I told you I wasn't gay!"
Story:
"Well, FINE, you guys go and make whatever it is you're going to make, I'm going to make a cake!" Faunaboshi huffily left for the kitchen.
"You do that. Come on, Meriboshi, let's get to work. Go float up on that stool."
"What are we making?"
"Armor. It's nice and manly and he can go off into war, and maybe it'll keep Prince Tomo off him a little longer."
Seishi Interlude:
"I hope Prince Tomo has a stronger will than that," Tomo noted.
The authors appeared! "Don't worry; he does!"
Story:
And so they set to work. Faunaboshi didn't know how to cook. He had no clue how to cook, because his brother did all the cooking. Usually dinner was some form of meat and whatever vegetable managed to catch onto his clothes when he walked through the garden. So he got out the cookbook and tried to follow the instructions. We have to give him credit, it was a noble effort, but the end result wouldn't be fit to serve as dog food.
Meanwhile, Meriboshi was floating over the stool, looking highly annoyed, as Floraboshi tossed random bits of chain mail and plate armor over him. "I don't see what this is going to accomplish."
"We're making a suit of armor for him. Shut up."
"This isn't going to work, you don't know how to make armor."
"It's just a bunch of metal, how hard can it be?"
Meriboshi looked at him. "Imbecile."
Being that he was too busy going out and hunting to pick up on most vocabulary, Floraboshi asked, "What's an Imbecile?"
Miboshi rolled his three eyes. "Idiot."
"Oh... HEY!"
Seishi Interlude:
"Hey! Not fair! I'm smarter than that!"
Amiboshi rolled his eyes. "No, you're not, Suboshi. I find myself thinking some of the stupidest, most pointless things because of you, and I can tell it's you because I never understand why I thought it in the first place."
"Like what?"
"Like wondering if Yui is allergic to black olives and peanut butter."
Yui looked at Suboshi with wide eyes. "How'd you know?!"
Story:
Out in the forest>
Newton crouched behind a rock, blue eyes fixed on his target: a beautiful, meaty deer grazing mere yards before him, oblivious to all but the fresh, green grass.
"Yes!" he cheered softly, trying not to alert the deer. But he couldn't help himself and softly began to sing his favorite song. "Brue eyes, brue..."
The deer's head shot bolt upright, and it fled for its dear life, kicking up a cloud of dust and small insects as it bounded away at breakneck speed.
"No! Wait! Come back!... Damn it! That's the fifth one today!" Newton kicked at the dirt and decided to pick berries. Berries didn't run away, even though Newton liked to sing while he picked and the berries desperately wished they COULD haul ass away from him.
And so, he wandered around to find a berry bush, singing as he went.
Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Prince Tomo rode his noble steed, stopping at a lake to take a drink. He had grown into an unbelievably sexy bitch himself! He had long, flowing silvery-black hair and eyes the shade of molten gold. He was tall and slim as a statue. He was more graceful than any of the palace dancers, and his voice was soft and gentle as a dove's. His smile could make flowers bloom. He delighted all who knew him. He had a large following, not all of whom were female. Unfortunately for them, the Prince Tomo held the love of only one within his heart. Prince Nakago, his betrothed. Ever since the day of the christening, he had never forgotten his love's eyes...
Seishi Interlude:
"Would you just get on with the story already?!" Soi asked, wondering why her Nakkie-poo hadn't gotten a paragraph of description.
The authors appeared! "Because Nakago isn't as beautiful as Tomo!"
Tomo hugged the authors, whose fics he was beginning to love and anticipate.
The authors nose-bled all over Tomo's outfit.
Story:
A deer came racing past him, and Tomo wondered what had scared it so badly. He climbed down from his steed and knelt at the edge of the water to drink. Suddenly he sat up and listened.
"Brue Eyes, Brue..."
"Is that--supposed to be singing?"
Then, he remembered. On the day of a certain christening, when a baby had been gifted with Bad Song.
"Only one thing could make such an ungodly noise! It must be him!" Tomo realized. Merrily, he began to skip (his horse had run off) towards Newton.
Newton, the poor sap, had no idea what was coming.
"MY LOVE!"
Newton screamed and threw his carefully gathered berries everywhere. He beat at the arms around his chest, trying to get a good look at the face on the dark head burrowing into his back.
"MY LOVE!" the man proclaimed again, nuzzling Newton's neck.
Newton began to panic, until the words of his wise Uncle Floraboshi came back to him: "A real man has to be strong so he can protect his wom--....uhm, fellow man, I guess."
All the lessons of drunken bar brawling that he had picked up along the way (again from Uncle Floraboshi) came flooding back to his mind. Newton reached behind him, twining his fists into the back of the stranger's shirt and threw him over his head and flat onto his back.
"My love..." Tomo choked out, despite the lack of air in his lungs, "Why do you turn me away?...Don't you recognize me?"
Newton finally got a good look at his face and fell instantly in love!
Seishi Interlude:
"AW HELL NO!"
"NOOOOO! NOT MY NAKKIE-POO!"
"LUUUUUUUUUCKYYYYYYYYYYY!"
Story:
But, Newton knew from his uncles and aunt that he was betrothed to someone else, and he couldn't betray his family by running off with some mysterious, beautiful stranger.
"I'm sorry... I do love you, but I can't...I'm promised to someone else!"
"ME! You're betrothed to ME! ME! I'm RIGHT HERE! MEEE!" Tomo pointed to himself with many neon signs.
Newton smiled sadly. "Please, don't try to sway me with your sweet words! I'm sorry!" and with that, Newton turned tail and fled toward his home.
"NOOO! Wait! MATTE YO! Noo.... Come back..." Tomo whimpered, unable to keep up with his blond beloved. He finally sat down- bump- in the grass and temporarily mourned his loss. To console himself, he gathered up the berries Newton had dropped and began to eat them, convinced that any berry picked by his beloved's hands were sweeter than any other berry the forest could provide.
Seishi Interlude:
"Poor Prince Tomo," Tomo sniffed.
Nakago and Soi wept in joy, thanking the powers that be that the fic had not turned into a yaoi lemon right there in the middle of the forest.
Story:
Back at the cottage>
"This isn't working."
"Well, did you figure that out ALL BY YOURSELF or did you have HELP!? I coulda told you that!" Meriboshi screamed from under many, many layers of metal.
"He'll be home any minute, this just isn't gonna happen. Let's go see how Aniki's doing with the cake."
Floraboshi and Meriboshi, upon entering the kitchen, stared in horror at the cake ingredients and other things that in no way involved cake flying around the room, with Faunaboshi in the middle of the hurricane.
"GODDAMM FUCKING CAKE, I OUGHTA PLAY UNTIL YOU EXPLODE INTO SUGARY LITTLE CHUNKS YOU PASTRY SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T JUST ALTOGETHER OFF YOU RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKING CONFECTIONARY SHITHEAP CAKE!!"
"Aniki..."
Seishi Interlude:
"YEAH! Thank you for not making me such a WUSS!"
"YEAH! I knew he had it in him! My brother is SO COOL!"
Story:
Meriboshi's eyes widened. "I didn't know he had it in him."
Faunaboshi blushed. "I didn't hear you come in..." he mumbled, hiding the wooden spoon he'd been threatening the cake with behind his back.
"Well, no, you wouldn't have heard us over that."
Faunaboshi blushed harder.
Floraboshi shook his head. "Well, Newt's gonna be back soon, and we're never going to accomplish anything this way. I say we use magic and be done with it."
"But we're not supposed to--"
"I KNOW that, but he's going to be back soon and we need to finish!"
Meriboshi nodded. "Besides, he's going to find out soon, anyway."
"Right! I'm going to get our stuff, except for your stupid prayer wheel, Meriboshi. The last thing we need is for you to leave it lying around for the poor kid to prick his finger on. I'm gonna turn it into a regular wand."
"Dammit!" Meriboshi cursed.
So Floraboshi retrieved the two wands and the flute from Itemspace. He handed his twin the flute.
Faunaboshi cuddled it happily and cried, "It's been SIXTEEN YEARS Finally!!!" as he headed off to do the cake.
A wave of his flute sent all the cleaning supplies into a frenzy, scrubbing everything clean to the point of sterilization, while he prepared to make the cake. This cake was easily the richest, most calorie-stuffed, waist-size expanding pastry the world had ever seen. It was sixteen layers high (one for every year Faunaboshi had been without his flute), and every layer was slathered with a different color of creamy frosting. Red and blue roses swamped it, trailing wandering green icing vines. Just looking at it could give you a toothache. The smell of the cake wafted through the cracks in the door, as well as the window that Faunaboshi had left wide open.
Meanwhile, Floraboshi had decided to do the armor himself and leave Meriboshi to the cleaning. He raised his wand high and began levitating the armor pieces draped over Meriboshi off of him and into the middle of the room, where they fastened and completed themselves until Floraboshi had constructed a very nice suit of ceremonial armor.
"There we go! What do you think?"
Meriboshi scowled at it. "It's RED."
Floraboshi tilted his head. "So what? Red's a strong color! A manly color! It's the color of BLOOD, and all his enemies will fear him!"
Meriboshi rolled all his eyes. "Hmph. Red is a lipstick color, an androgynous color, it's the color of ROSES, and his enemies will fear him for his SINGING. Make it blue!" And so the armor became various shades of blue. "Blue looks better on him anyway, and it's his father's color."
Seishi Interlude:
Yui thought about it. "Actually, blue is a lipstick color too, in my world."
"Really?" Tomo asked, interested. "I didn't know people wore makeup in your world."
"Not YOUR kind of makeup," Yui amended.
Nakago gagged. "I will NOT wear red. Red is the color of Suzaku."
Soi nodded. "It would clash with your beautiful eyes!"
Nakago gagged some more.
Story:
"Blood!" Floraboshi turned the armor red again.
"Seiryuu!" Meriboshi made it blue.
"Blood!"
"Seiryuu!"
"Blood!"
They would have argued further, but Faunaboshi came out, carrying the cake, and yelled, "HE'S COMING! QUIT FUCKIN" AROUND AND GET THE STUPID ARMOR A COLOR AND HIDE!"
Since no one EVER messes with Faunaboshi when he gets like that, they hid their wands and themselves, leaving the cake and the suit of armor in plain view. Meriboshi, in the last possible second, turned it blue so that Floraboshi wouldn't get the chance to make it red.
Newton burst through the door in tears, running up the stairs without even noticing the marvelous cake and blue armor.
Seishi Interlude.
"There had better be an OOC warning on this somewhere," Soi noted.
Nakago's face turned a very nice pink. "I. DO. NOT. CRY."
Tomo wailed, "WAAAAAAAH! I MADE NAKAGO-SAMA-CHAN CRY! I'M SO SORRY NAKAGO-SAMA-CHAN!"
Story:
The three fair-- Magical Winged Guardians blinked. Floraboshi looked at Meriboshi. "What's HIS problem?" Meriboshi shrugged.
Faunaboshi, however, smacked them both in the head. "Can't you see he's UPSET!? We have to go find out what's wrong!"
"What's wrong?.. I'll tell you what's wrong, that armor's BLUE! I told you to leave it RED!"
"BLUE!"
"RED!"
"SEIRYUU!"
"BLOOOOOOD!"
Faunaboshi rolled his eyes and headed up the stairs, while his fellow Magical Winged Guardians got into a fistfight on the floor. He went to Newton's door and found him crying his eyes out on his bed. Faunaboshi sat down next to him and tenderly stroked his hair.
"What's the matter, Newton?"
Newton didn't answer at first, he just buried his head in the pillow and sobbed brokenly. Faunaboshi just waited until he calmed down a little. He decided, well, today was his birthday and the knowledge of his true past and future would cheer him up. It's not every day that one meets their insanely beautiful fiancee.
"Dear, why don't you come downstairs and have your cake? We've got a REALLY long story to tell you and MAN do you wanna hear it!"
Newton sniffed and, because he REALLY liked cake and MAN did the one downstairs smell good, followed his uncle downstairs. When the came into the living room, Floraboshi was casually dribbling Meriboshi around the room like a basketball and looking for something to do lay-ups on.
Seishi Interlude:
Miboshi narrowed his three eyes, Suboshi burst out laughing.
Nakago growled something about cake and how he never got to have any cake in real life and how his childhood would have been a lot happier if cake had been involved.
Story:
"Will you put him down! This is supposed to be a celebration!"
"I AM celebrating! This is my idea of fun!" Floraboshi protested, calmly bouncing his fellow Guardian. Meriboshi took this opportunity to give Floraboshi a good rap on the knuckles with his wand, causing him to drop a few feet to the floor.
He straightened his dress and floated back up to his usual altitude. "Happy Birthday, punk."
Now Newton saw the armor and the (drooool) cake sitting on the table. "Thank you so much, guys! This is wonderful! How'd you know blue was my favorite color?"
Meriboshi blew Floraboshi a raspberry.
So they all sat down to have cake. Floraboshi raised his glass of ginger ale (because Faunaboshi wouldn't allow anything stronger) and said, "Newt, it's about time we had a talk."
"We already had that talk, Uncle Floraboshi."
"NO! Not THAT talk, I know we had THAT talk. I mean that we have something important to tell you."
Newton took another bite of his cake, which left a huge splotch of pink and white frosting all over his face.
Seishi Interlude:
"KAWAII!" Soi and Tomo squealed.
"KOWAI!" Nakago bellowed.
Story:
"Well, you know how you're betrothed to somebody, right?"
Newton whimpered and started crying again, leaking tears into his cake.
"KNOCK THAT OFF! BE A MAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! BREAK SOMETHING IF YOU HAVE TO, DON'T CRY!" Floraboshi screamed.
And so Newton blew up a chair by looking at it. He felt better. "Well, I ran into this really good-looking guy, and I think I'm in love with him... So, I don't know if I still want to marry whoever it is I'm betrothed to.
Meriboshi had a thought, considering he knew where most of these kind of stories go. "What'd he look like?"
"Well, see previous description>."
Floraboshi blinked. "I had no idea he was so poetic."
Faunaboshi smiled and took a bow. "Well, I have good news for you then. That was Prince Tomo, and you're going to marry him tomorrow!"
Newton's eyes brightened. "LUCKY!"
Seishi Interlude:
Tomo's eyes brightened. "LUCKY!"
Nakago considered strangling Tomo, but then realized that his punishment would be a LOT more severe and a LOT more embarrassing if he did.
Story:
Meanwhile, at Genbu's Castle, Prince Tomo returned home and promptly bitched out his horse, who had abandoned him in the forest. When he was done doing that, he went to his father.
"Father, I have a problem."
Genbu smiled at his son and ruffled his hair.
"Da-ad! I spent all morning getting the entire thing into the stupid ponytail!"
Genbu just smiled. "What's on your mind, son?"
Tomo sighed. "I met Nakago out in the woods, and I told him I was his betrothed, but he didn't believe me! He ran away like a bat out of Hell!"
Seishi Interlude:
Tomo sniffed. "That's so harsh.."
Story:
Genbu frowned. "Well, you know MY motto, boy! Anywhere and everywhere! If you want him that bad, go get 'im! The kid disappeared the day after his christening, and true love must've brought you together!"
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago snorted. "True love, my ass."
Tomo nodded. "True love!"
Miboshi snorted. "More like sick fanauthors."
Story:
Upon hearing this, Tomo decided to head back to the forest and take what was his! He forgave his noble steed and swung himself up into the saddle, heading straight for the woods and his future bride (groom?).
Back at the cabin>
Nakago, as he had been told his real name was Nakago, was celebrating with his family. They were ready to head out for the castle the next morning and were just basking in the glow until it was time to leave.
Unfortunately, Malefesoi's loyal hound came scratching and whimpering at the door. Faunaboshi, the only one who wasn't on a sugar high from the cake, got up to answer the door.
Meriboshi swallowed the last of his seventh piece and floated around the room like a drunken housefly cheering "Wheee!" as he went. Floraboshi flicked icing roses at him.
Seishi Interlude:
"Okay, that's disgusting and undignified for someone like me," Miboshi said.
The authors appeared! "As far as this fic goes, Tomo gets dignity, the rest of you get jack shit. Stop complaining. It could be a lot worse."
Nakago glared at them. "How?"
The authors laughed. "Do the words, 'Rainbow Prince' mean anything to you?"
Story:
Faunaboshi looked out and squealed, "OH LOOK IT'S A WOODLAND CREATURE! It's so CUTE! You're just a cute little puppy, yes you are! You want some cake? Who's a good boy, who's a good boy?" He went to retrieve some of the frosting from the sickeningly rich cake and held a gob of it out over the bottom half of the dutch door.
"Arf!" the hound barked.
"AWWW!!! Who wants cake, come on! Sit up! Siiiiit up, that's a good boy!" Faunaboshi handed him the frosting blob, allowing the dog to lick it from his fingers, and allowing his hands to get all slobbery. He wiped them on his robes, thinking to himself how cute that was, and cooing over how absolutely adorable the 'woodland creature' was.
It jumped up suddenly, leaning over the top of the door and looking inside. His eyes landed on Nakago, who, decked out in his new armor, was balancing the cake knife on his nose and demanding everyone to lookit. The loyal hound turned tail and hauled ass back to Malefesoi.
Floraboshi grinned drunkenly. "Who wassat?"
"Just some adorable wolf-man," Faunaboshi said.
This worked better than black coffee and a cold shower to sober up Meriboshi, who nearly fell off of the rafter he was perched on sideways as he shrieked, "WOLF-MAN?! YOU MEAN MALEFESOI'S PERVERTED LOYAL HOUND!? THAT THING VIOLATED ME!"
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago, Soi, and Tomo thought to themselves that they had been violated by worse things than Ashitare.
Story:
"YOU LET THAT THING GET AWAY!?" Floraboshi roared. "Now we're ALL screwed! Malefesoi knows where to find us now!"
Nakago was confused. "Who's Malefesoi?"
"Just a really bitchy PMS fairy we know, and she just about wants you dead," Floraboshi explained.
Meriboshi was beyond pissed. "THERE'S NO 'JUST ABOUT' ABOUT IT! She wants you dead and hacked up into tiny bite size chunks so she can serve you at a cocktail party!"
Nakago eeped.
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago turned red this time, clashing badly with his glowing blue headlight. "I. DO. NOT. EEP."
Tomo giggled. "But you're so cute when you eep!"
Soi looked at him suspiciously. "How do you know?"
Tomo grinned a big, shit eating grin and said smugly, "Wouldn't YOU like to know?"
Story:
And so, the three Magical Winged Guardians and Nakago headed out towards Seiryuu's castle.
Whilst they traipsed through the forest to escape the PMS fairy's wrath, Seiryuu and Genbu were at Seiryuu's castle, waiting for Tomo to bring his beloved home. While they waited, they drank. A lot.
Genbu, eternal sex fiend, made a comment. "I bet your boy grew up real nice. Fairies' gifts work wonders. You've seen how my son looks!"
Seiryuu smacked him. "My son has enough problems, you sick perverted old turtle! Go fuck a snake!"
"But I did that twice today!"
"Well... well go do it again."
"Oh, lighten up. Here, have another drink! Besides, they've been promised to live happily ever after, right? Everything'll work out just fine," Genbu said cheerfully, refilling Seiryuu's glass as quickly as he drained it.
Seiryuu muttered something about one's interpretation of 'just fine' and kept drinking.
Seishi Interlude:
"At least Seiryuu's sort of sticking up for me," Nakago grumbled.
Genbu popped up again. "Screw him! He's a lousy neglectful parent and he can rot in hell! He's just trying to keep you from being happy! But don't worry, I have two minions who work hard to change that!"
The authors appeared! "Let's get one thing straight, God of Twisted Love and Weird Sex, we are minions of TOMO!"
Tomo beamed.
Story:
And so Tomo rode valiantly through the forest, listening for the nerve-wracking, nails-on-a-chalkboard noise of Brue Eyes, Brue echoing through the forest, but to no avail. He finally came upon a cottage in the middle of the trees, and he burst in through the door.
"Nakago, my love!... Man, what a dump...What happened here?"
Malefesoi appeared, accompanied by a large, hunched-over wolf man, in a cloud of red smoke. "My Kutou assassins happened!"
Rather than be an idiot and just let himself be captured, Tomo was smart
and drew his sword, slashing at the assassins left and right. However,
even the most wonderful of bishounen can be overpowered by sheer numbers,
and, unfortunately, Tomo was.
But Tomo, being the incredibly cool person that he is, was defiant
the entire time and spit on Malefesoi's shoes twice. And she tried to knock
him out, but Tomo would have none of that and kept dodging the staff, because
he's cool that way and everyone loved him and couldn't bear to hurt...
Author Interlude:
*metallic clang*
*thump*
Aeanagwen, a large metal pipe resting over one shoulder, stared down at Celleri, who was laying on the ground with spiral eyes. "Would you knock that off?!" she yelled. "I love the guy, too, but for Suzaku's sake, he's cool, not inhuman!"
Celleri whimpered. "But--but I don't like beating up on Tomo!"
Aeanagwen grabbed the keyboard. "Never mind that! Let's just get on with things!"
Story:
As has been previously stated, Tomo was not an idiot. He did draw his sword and fight the Kutou assassins. Sadly, even the best of anime characters can be defeated (except Goku, but Goku's a loser anyway and Vegeta's much cooler (Celleri says, "AND SO IS JUUNANAGOU-SAMA-CHAN!!) ANYWAY) and Tomo was eventually pulled down. Malefesoi was a complete bitch to him, but he remained wonderfully defiant and proud until she was forced to have him incapacitated for his "insolence". And Tomo, even being dragged away unconscious, was still a damn fine SEXY BITCH!
By now, the three Magical Winged Guardians had finally brought Nakago to his castle, where he spent an hour and a half searching desperately for Prince Tomo.
The Guardians were confused by this. "I wonder where he'd be?" Floraboshi asked no one, straightening his robes.
"Hah, I bet he's out somewhere with some other guy--OW!"
"Don't you DARE say that about my Tomo-chan!" Nakago scolded.
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago bellowed through gritted teeth (a neat trick), blue headlight a' glowin. "TOMO-CHAN!?!?"
Tomo's eyes watered. "TOMO-CHAN!!!"
Story:
Faunaboshi's eyes lit up in realization. "He must have gone back to the cottage to find Nakago! Oh, that's so sweet!" he gushed.
Floraboshi grabbed him by the collar, "YOU IDIOT, ANIKI! If he goes back to the cottage MALEFESOI will smash him into a BIG GREASY BISHONEN STAIN ON THE SIDEWALK AND WE'RE ALL GONNA STEP IN IT if we just LET HIM go back!"
Nakago's eyes began to shimmer. "We can't let that happen! We've got to go save him!"
Floraboshi shook his head. "No, you stay here. We've worked too hard to just let you go traipsing off to where that bitch can get to you. You stay here and we'll go save Tomo."
"Well... all right. I'll go take a bath or something."
"Okay. We're going to go get some decent weapons because... because well magic wands don't inspire FEAR in people like Malefesoi!"
Seishi Interlude:
Tomo and Soi said, "Oooo."
Nakago whimpered.
Story:
Nakago headed up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he drew a nice hot bath for himself, with lots of blue bubbles and a yellow rubber ducky.
Seishi Interlude:
"WHY AM I TAKING A BUBBLE BATH?!"
"But it's so cute!" Soi pointed out.
The authors appeared! "Because we hate you!"
One of the authors thought about it and said, "Treize Kushrenada can make bubble baths manly. So can you!"
Story:
He stripped down to his skin and was about to get into the water, when he noticed, out of the corner of his eye, a tall, slender frame walking past the door, followed by a long, black trail of hair.
"Tomo-chan?"
Abandoning his bath for the time being, Nakago pulled on his Sexy Silken Blue Bedrobe (TM) and ran down the hall after Tomo.
"Tomo-chan! Wait!"
Tomo stopped at a creaky wooden door at the far end of the hall. He was gloriously shirtless and looked at Nakago over his shoulder before he opened the door and disappeared up the stairs.
Nakago followed as quickly as he could, racing up the flight of stairs and hoping he didn't fall and break his neck.
Downstairs, Meriboshi suddenly froze in mid-float. "D'you guys hear that?"
"Hear what?"
Meriboshi got VERY angry. "STUPID PUNK! WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE ARE YOU GETTING INTO NOW?!"
Having learned over the years to trust Meriboshi's hearing (apparently those fucked-up ears are good for something after all), Floraboshi and Faunaboshi followed him to the third floor.
Meanwhile Nakago had finally caught up to Tomo. "Tomo-chan, I'm so happy to see you!"
In the dungeon of Malefesoi's castle>
"What are you gonna do to him!?" Tomo demanded around his swollen lower lip, staring at the projected images on the wall across from him.
Malefesoi laughed. "Watch."
In Seiryuu's castle.>
"Tomo" had his back turned to Nakago. He turned around, an ornately decorated prayer wheel in his hands. "I have a... birthday present for you, Nakago. As a token of my love for you."
Nakago blushed. "It's beautiful!"
"Here. It's for you. I hope you like it."
Seishi Interlude:
All the seishi and Yui are dying of suspense, except Miboshi who is saying "Oooo, cool! Where can I get one like that?"
Story:
In Malefesoi's castle>
Prince Tomo watched in horror as Nakago took the prayer wheel lovingly.
"NOOOOOOO!!"
In Seiryuu's castle>
Suddenly the door burst open, and Floraboshi, Faunaboshi, and Meriboshi rushed in, screaming things like "Don't!" "Stop", and "Don't touch that, you stupid little punk!"
"Look what Tomo-chan got me for my birthday! It's such a nice prayer whe--" Nakago, as foretold, pricked his finger on the needle. "Ooo... I'm sleepy....Good night..." and slumped to the floor in a dead faint.
Floraboshi stamped his feet and slammed his fist into a wall. "THAT BITCH!"
The illusionary Tomo cackled madly before dissolving into shapeless colors.
Faunaboshi had knelt down next to Nakago and was trying desperately to revive him.
Meriboshi snapped his pudgy fingers. "Darnit," he said merrily. "I guess my gift won't work after all."
Floraboshi glared at him. "You," he growled, "had to spend sixteen years in a DRESS because of Malefesoi, and you're just going to let her GET AWAY WITH IT?!"
Faunaboshi stood up slowly, "Listen to me, you stupid little DAMN FLOATING MIDGET MONK BASTARD!" he shouted, making Meriboshi feel much akin to a certain birthday cake. "I gave up my flute for SIXTEEN YEARS for Nakago, and I am NOT going to let that all be for nothing!" Reaching up and grabbing one of Meriboshi's oversized earlobes, he stalked out of the room, dragging his fellow Magical Winged Guardian behind him.
Floraboshi grinned and threw the unconscious Nakago over one shoulder. "Way to go Aniki!" he cheered, following the two into the hall.
Seishi Interlude:
"Way to go, Aniki!" Suboshi cheered to a grinning Amiboshi.
Miboshi grumbled and ripped long rents in the curtains with the prayer wheel.
Story:
The fai- Magical Winged Guardians were on their way to save Prince Tomo, when they realized that everybody was very, very happy. They were celebrating, drinking, eating, partying, the way that people do when they're some dumb reason to celebrate and the only reason anyone is doing it is because ordinary life is boring! Unfortunately, the cause for celebration was in a coma on a bed in the attic of the castle, looking very nice despite his comatose condition.
"What are they DOING!?" Floraboshi demanded.
Faunaboshi looked out at all the happy people, most of whom were drunk, and realized that they had no idea what happened. "Well, they don't know that Prince Nakago is unconsious...my poor baby..."
"Let's kill them all."
:"SHUT UP, MERIBOSHI! Nobody wants to hear you talk!" yelled Floraboshi. "If we leave them like this, sooner or later they're going to figure out what happened."
"Let's put them all to sleep. That way when he wakes up, so will they, and it will be like nothing ever happened."
And so, the three Magical Winged Guardians set out to put everyone in the castle to sleep, right where they stood...or drank, or lay on a table in a drunken stupor, or whatever frivolities they were engaged in at the time. Faunaboshi floated around playing his flute, having the time of his life.
"Guys, can we do this more often? This is fun!"
Meriboshi, who was also floating around, was clonking them in the back of the head to knock them out. "Bear in mind you're doing this because Nakago is in a coma."
Faunaboshi paused, and, near tears, continued to play. Floraboshi realized what was going to happen and smacked the flute out of his twin's hands.
"ANIKI! NO! I know you, when you get like this and play, you'll make people SO depressed they'll slit their own wrists! Play something happy!"
"But my little Newton is in a coma!..."
"DO IT, ANIKI."
And so, reluctantly, Faunaboshi played something happy. Everybody was finally asleep, including Seiryuu, Genbu, and the Miko, and the three fair-- Magical Winged Guardians set off to find Prince Tomo and kill Malefesoi.
Seishi Interlude:
Suboshi started cheering. "YEAH! BLOODSHED! BLOOD GUTS GORE AND MUTILATION INTO TINY BITE SIZE CHUNKS! NOW we're getting to the GOOD part! GO FLORABOSHI!" he waved Miaka's Genki Japan Flags (TM) and cheered himself on.
Story:
Meanwhile, Prince Tomo was chained to the wall, beaten and bloody like they couldn't do in the Disney version, because Disney is a bunch of wusses (Dreamworks is better). Malefesoi stood before him in all her raging hormonal glory. Tomo rested his head in his hands.
"Oh, come now, Prince Tomo, why so melancholy? A wondrous future lies before you!"
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago snorted. "Not for ME, it doesn't."
Story:
"You, the destined hero of a charming fairy tale come true," Malefesoi told him. She raised he staff, projecting an image of a castle. "Behold; Seiryuu's Castle. And in yonder topmost tower, dreaming of his true love, the Prince Nakago. But see, the gracious whim of fate. Why, 'tis the self-same peasant lad who won the heart of our prince but yesterday!"
Tomo spit on her shoes. "I know who he is, bitch."
"Oh, just for that, let me continue. He is indeed most wondrous fair, gold of sunshine in his hair and lips that shame the red, red rose-"
"Red lips? If that's supposed to be Nakago, somebody lied to you about his looks-"
"SHUT UP, it's all on these note cards they gave me.... great, I lost my place... oh, okay... In ageless sleep, he finds repose. The years roll by but a hundred years to a steadfast heart, are but a day! And now the gates of the dungeon part, and our prince is free to go his way. Off he rides, on his noble steed--
"Noble steed? After a hundred years? Lady, horses DON'T live that long..."
Malefesoi glared and continued, "...a valiant figure straight and tall, to wake his love with love's first kiss, and prove that true love conquers all!" She laughed evilly. Her loyal hound, ever at her side, panted happily and howled.
Tomo, who didn't like being mocked especially when it concerns Nakago, tried to jump the bitch and beat her to a mushy Heap O' PMS Fairy (TM). But, as he was chained to the wall, couldn't.
"Come, my pet," Malefesoi patted her loyal hound on the head. "Let us leave the prince to these... happy thoughts." And she went on her merry way, leaving the prince alone and assuming that no one would come to help him, which is often a villain's downfall.
Seishi Interlude:
Everybody looked at Soi. "Man, you're a bitch."
Soi pouted. "I am not! I'm just a good bad guy!"
Tomo was focused on the part where he was insolent.
Story:
The three Magical Winged Guardians had gone to Malefesoi's castle and watched the entire exchange through the convenient window in the dungeon.
"Oooooh, that BITCH, I'm gonna kill her..."
"I kinda like her."
"WHY YOU FUCKING BITCH, I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE AND ROAST IT ON AN OPEN FLAME WITH A STICK I'VE RUN THROUGH YOUR EMPTY BLACK HEART AND SERVE IT UP AS COCKTAIL WEENIES!"
"For crying out loud, Aniki..."
Seishi Interlude:
"Seiryuu, but you ARE cool, Aniki!"
Amiboshi just blushed.
Story:
And so, the guardians wrenched themselves through the window (Meriboshi's head got stuck and Tomo got a good laugh out of watching the other two squeeze him through) and greeted the Prince.
"Hello, dear Prince Tomo," Faunaboshi said graciously. "We are the three Magical Winged Guardians, and we raised Prince Nakago."
"Oh, cool! What was he like as a little kid?" Tomo asked anxiously.
Seishi Interlude:
"Tomo, you make a lousy hero," Soi commented.
"HEY! I'm not the one who's tongue Amiboshi's gonna rip up and serve as cocktail weenies."
"That's because I'm a good villain. You're a lousy hero."
The authors appeared. "He's focused on his goal, that's all! Prince Tomo couldn't give less of a rat's ass about you!"
Story:
Faunaboshi whipped out a photo album. "OH, I could tell you STORIES!.. There was that time when he saw a caterpillar for the first time, and that time he wanted to keep that peach he found as a pet because it was furry..."
Seishi Interlude:
Soi and Tomo cooed over how disgustingly cute that is, while Nakago blushed and wondered how anybody found that out about his childhood...
Story:
While Tomo and Faunaboshi were gawking over the cute baby pictures of Nakago, Meriboshi debated killing them both and Floraboshi smacked Faunaboshi casually across the side of the head.
"Come ON, Aniki! We have to get him out of here so he can rescue Nakago with that big kiss!"
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago turned white, and this is no easy task when you take into account how very pale he is.
Story:
Faunaboshi nodded and put away the album. They got to work on the chains and freed Prince Tomo from his bonds. Tomo stood up and stretched, working all the kinks out of his system before heading off to rescue his beloved Nakago.
"Wait!" Floraboshi said. "You're heading off to Seiryuu's castle, and you think Malefesoi's NOT gonna come after you? Please, let's be smarter than that. You need weapons."
Faunaboshi said, "Can't we give him some nice armor instead? That way he won't have to fight, because nothing will hurt him."
Floraboshi rolled his eyes. "And he's not going to be able to do jack shit if Malefesoi comes after him."
Faunaboshi started to get mad. "But it won't matter because she couldn't hurt him."
"And how is he supposed to fight her?"
"He doesn't HAVE to! He can just run right by her and not get hurt if we give him armor."
"Why does your masculinity come in spurts?"
Seishi Interlude:
Yui shot a look at Suboshi. "Seiryuu, Suboshi! That's harsh..."
"Nobody minded when you were all calling us gay."
Story:
"Since when is idiocy necessarily masculine!?"
Seishi Interlude:
Soi and Yui snickered.
Story:
"Idiocy?! It's bad enough you tried to turn Nakago into a pansy, don't let his husband turn into a wuss, too!"
Tomo didn't appreciate the fact that one of Nakago's 'parents' was calling him a pansy, but he kept his mouth shut because this was beginning to be funny (and they were going to continue until it really was funny).
"IF HE'S GOT GOOD ARMOR, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO FIGHT!"
"THE BEST DEFENSE IS A GOOD OFFENSE!"
"THE CURSE--"
Meriboshi slapped them both across the face. "WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS PLEASE STOP YOUR STUPID POINTLESS BICKERING!? I want to get OUT of this STUPID dress, it's so close I can TASTE it and I'm NOT going to let you morons delay it any further, is that clear!? We're giving him a sword-"
Floraboshi beamed.
"- and a shield, like we're supposed to."
Faunaboshi nodded.
Tomo said, "Okay. Can I have them now? I'd really like to go get my fiance and wake him up before they cancel the wedding or Malefesoi kills him or something."
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago screamed, "KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"
Tomo looked at Soi. "You wouldn't kill him, would you?"
Soi looked apalled. "Of course not!"
Story:
Floraboshi produced a sword from nowhere and handed it to him. "This is the sword of... sword of... Meriboshi, which sword is this?"
"I don't know. You gave it to him."
"We can't give him a sword if he doesn't know what sword it is! Aniki, do you know which one this is?"
Faunaboshi smiled. "It's the Sword of Peace and Love For All People."
Floraboshi grabbed the blade away from Tomo and threw it out the window. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!! NO Peace and Love Swords! NO! I know, I'll give him one from MY personal collection!" He reached into his extradimensional swordspace and retrieved a long, pointy, barbed weapon, whose blade was as black as any onyx, and gleamed with an unholy red glow. "This, dear Prince, is..."
Seishi Interlude:
Suboshi raved in his chair. "YEAH!!! Here it comes!"
"I get a sword!" Tomo said happily.
Story:
"...the Godawful Sonofabitching Bastard Sword of Unholy Demons Of Impending Doom And Other Things That Just Aren't Very Nice! Use it well!"
Meriboshi blinked. "Cool. I didn't know you had one of those."
Tomo took the sword and "Oooo'ed" at it. "This is a WHOLE lot cooler than any sword of Valor."
And Faunaboshi, who was not about to be upstaged, huffed and said, "Well, I guess I'll have to reach into MY private stash, too!" He reached into his shield space and said, "Prince Tomo, I give you..." he pulled out a huge shield, glowing an insanely pure white, shaped like some kind of sick, sadistic buzz saw and covered in spikes and barbs and various painful looking devices embedded into it.
Seishi Interlude:
Suboshi rubbed his temples. "Oh, here it comes..."
Amiboshi shot him a Look. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Tomo smiled. "I get a shield, too!"
Story:
"... The Heavenly Shield Of Strictly Enforced Eternal Peace, Love And Happiness... OR ELSE!"
Seishi Interlude:
Amiboshi grinned proudly at everyone around him.
Suboshi clapped.
Story:
Everyone blinked. Tomo slipped it onto his arm and checked out his new gear. "Yes, I am a badass. Cool."
Meriboshi frowned. "You're welcome."
"Oh, right! Thank you, good fairies!"
"MAGICAL WINGED GUARDIANS!"
"Thank you, good winged guardians... I'm going to save Nakago!" And
so, Tomo headed out the door and toward his love's prison.
Cue cool battle music, "Wounded Wings" works nicely>
Prince Tomo raced to the gate on his steed, and he thought he was home free, but no, fairy tales heroes are rarely that lucky.
Seishi Interlude.
Nakago said, "Damn it."
Story:
Legions of Kutou assassins, all lined up on top of the walls, started throwing boulders at him! The horse wasn't very agile and only narrowly dodged the falling rocks.
The Guardians knew that he didn't stand a chance if they didn't help him.
And Meriboshi, who was so close to getting out of the stupid dress, was so close he could taste it, finally lost his temper. "OKAY YOU DISPOSABLE, REPLACEABLE, THERE-TO-BE-KILLED WORMS! FEEL THE WRATH OF MERIBOSHI'S DARK UNHOLY POWER!"
And so, the boulders turned into happy face stickers, fluttering to the ground like black and yellow butterflies. As for the Kutou assassins, they were transformed into really ugly UFO catcher dolls.
Floraboshi scratched his head. "That's your dark unholy power?"
Faunaboshi tilted his head. "I thought it would be more.. Dark.. and Unholy..."
"SHUT UP! I didn't see either of YOU do anything!"
Tomo gestured to the gate and rode off.
Seishi Interlude:
Nakago looked at Miboshi. "Can you really do that?"
Miboshi shrugged. "Never tried."
Story:
In pursuit of his love, Tomo raced to the castle. As he went, he didn't notice that he bypassed a very sick loyal hound, who was very, very, pitifully ill from eating wayyy too much cake, which he had been given after the cottage was demolished. He was munching on the grass and feelings sorry for himself, when he realized that that was Prince Tomo haulin' ass to Seiryuu's castle!
But it wasn't this simple, because the Loyal Hound, while loyal like you wouldn't believe, was not very smart.
He saw Tomo. He thought, "I know him. Mistress has him in the room where people are in chains. Why is he here? If he is here, that means he isn't anywhere else. If he isn't anywhere else, he's not in the room where people are in chains. If he isn't in the room where people are in chains, that means he escaped! I have to go tell Mistress!" Thus is the loyal hound's train of thought. It took all of eight minutes for him to process this.
And he did tell Malefesoi, who was RAGING with PMS and her own general irritability and the knowledge of her prisoner's escape, and ran away before he got in any of his Mistress' range of destruction.
Meanwhile, Tomo continued his journey to Seiryuu's castle. When he was within sight of it, he saw that the entire place was surrounded by a thick jungle of thorns and briars, which he proceeded to slash at with the Godawful Sonofabitching Bastard Sword of Unholy Demons And Other Things That Just Aren't Very Nice.
Malefesoi, who had been dealing with her PMS for sixteen years now, finally snapped.
"OH, NO YOU DON'T, YOU LITTLE HIGH BORN PISSANT BRAT! YOU AND YOUR ANNOYING LITTLE FAIRIES, INCLUDING THAT IRRITATING FLOATING DRAG QUEEN ONE, ARE GOING TO DIE SO INDESCRIBABLY HORRIBLY THAT EVERY LAST PERSON WHO EVER LAID EYES ON YOUR SORRY CARCASS WILL WEEP UNTIL THERE ARE NO TEARS LEFT IN THEIR PATHETIC WORTHLESS BODIES! AND YOU, YOU BASTARDLY LITTLE SON OF A BITCH BLEACH BLOND MAGGOT, ARE GOING TO SUFFER TWICE AS BAD A FATE AND DON'T THINK I'M GONNA SPARE YOU ANYTHING, YOU STUPID ROYAL BRAT! I HAVE DEALT WITH SIXTEEN YEARS WORTH OF VIOLENT MOOD SWINGS, HORMONAL IMBALANCES, CRAMPS, BLOATING, HEADACHES, AND A WHOLE SHITLOAD OF OTHER THINGS THAT I AM GLADLY GOING TO TAKE OUT OF YOUR WORTHLESS HIDES!"
Seishi Interlude:
Awed silence, except for Soi, who crossed her arms and grinned.
Story:
Tomo finally sliced a decent path through the thicket, and he was about to bust in through the gate. But, before he could get close enough to even think about it, a swirling cloud of black and cranberry red came wailing through the sky, ending in a wide funnel cloud in front of the tall, iron gates.
The explosion knocked Tomo back a few yards, sending him head over heels across the pavement. When he finally righted himself, he raised his sword and took a better grip on his shield. The cloud began to take the shape of a long, lithe, HUGE dragon, black and red and spewing flames and poisonous fumes.
"Oh holy mother of shit..." Floraboshi whispered in awe. "If I had known she'd get this pissed, I'd've just let her kill Nakago."
Tomo smacked the red-robed guardian and stared at the horrifying lizard bitch from Hell that arose from the smoke. "How am I supposed to get past that thing!?"
Malefesoi-dragon laughed, which is a scary thing when you think about a dragon like that laughing, and roared, "YOU DON'T!"
She shot forth a long gout of green and black and yellow fire, laced with pungent, acrid fumes, burning the eyes, throats, and noses of everyone around. The dragon sent a line of fire straight for Tomo.
Tomo raised his shield and crouched behind it, the flames and fumes bouncing off in all directions by the Heavenly Shield of Strictly Enforced Eternal Peace, Love And Happines, OR ELSE, and he survived, unscathed.
"OKAY YOU SCALY BITCH, THAT'S HOW YOU WANNA DO IT?!" Tomo drew his arm back and chucked the Godawful...sword of...nice straight at the dragon's heart. It flew straight and true, headed flawlessly for the beast's vulnerable chest, fully prepared to gore it and kill it instantly.
Malefesoi dodged.
Seishi Interlude:
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
Nakago breathed a sigh of relief.
Soi stuck her tongue out at Tomo.
Story:
Tomo watched the blade bounce down a crevice. He debated whether or not it would matter if he were to soil himself right now.
Floraboshi, however, was just pissed. "Damn it! Damn it all to Hell! Screw this medieval weaponry sword-and-shield shit! What do you guys think?"
Meriboshi nodded. "I want that whore dead."
Faunaboshi smiled. "Let's get her."
The fairies gathered in a circle, combining their powers in a huge tricolored glowing ball of light. The dragon was temporarily blinded by the bright nimbus of energy, and shied away from it.
"Yo, Prince Tomo!" Floraboshi yelled.
The three Guardians threw something into Tomo's arms. "Consider this your dowry!"
And there, in Tomo's hands, lay a five-foot-long piece of glinting steel, complete with trigger and a sight lined up nicely across the top. "What is it?!" Tomo asked.
Faunaboshi, with a sparkling homicidal gleam in his eye, threw back his head and cried, "A NAPALM CANNON!!"
Seishi Interlude:
Amiboshi and Suboshi were standing on their chairs, urging Floraboshi and Faunaboshi on. "YEAH!! GO FLORABOSHI! GO FAUNABOSHI! FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE!!"
"Go Tomo!"
"Run, Malefesoi!"
Nakago curled into a fetal position.
Story:
Tomo located the trigger and hoisted it over one shoulder. He took a good, hard look at Malefesoi, who was still raging about being unable to see, due to the blinding light of the Guardian's combined powers of Napalm Cannon Summoning. He lined up the dragon's head in his sights and smiled serenely.
"Happy Anniversary, bitch."
He fired. A glowing red-hot burst of fire and acid and toxins shot out from the cannon, the kickback sending the disheveled prince back a few feet. The flaming projectile caught Malefesoi full in the face, burning out her eyes and down her throat, reducing the obsidian lizard into obsidian slime, which ran across the ground and down the crevice, leaving only the lower half of the dragon intact, oozing and bubbling and stinking like a marshmallow Peep microwaved, without the stench of burnt sugar.
Seishi Interlude:
"Aw, come on, I deserve a better end than that!"
The authors appeared! "You do. Malefesoi doesn't."
Tomo cheered and bounced around. "YEAH! LET'S GO! NO MORE SEISHI INTERLUDES, GET TO THE KISS SCENE! COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON!"
Nakago, still in a fetal position, whimpered.
Story:
With no more obstructions between him and his love, Tomo abandoned the cannon (which he reminded himself to get later because it was cool) and raced up into the castle. He tore up the stairs and into the highest tower, and he threw open the door with all his strength.
Warning! Warning! Excessive gross mush (thank Aeanagwen, Celleri can not do this kind of thing) ahead!>
And there, laying on a soft sheeted bed, lay his sweet Prince Nakago. His golden hair spilled like silken sunlight over the pillows, gleaming in the starlight that cast his pale face like glowing marble. Thick, heavy silence hung in the air like velvet as Prince Tomo took a slow, reverent step forward, breath bated. He approached the bed, brushing an infinitely gentle hand over his love's face. Kneeling down, he lowered his lips towards those of his prince, slightly parted in slumber...
Seishi Interlude:
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NO MORE SEISHI INTERLUDES! COME ON, THIS IS THE BEST PART!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" Tomo burst into tears, disturbing his makeup pattern.
Soi put her arms around Nakago and gently rocked him back and forth. "It's okay, Nakago-sama, it's okay, it's almost over."
Nakago whimpered and curled himself tighter into a ball.
"COME ON, GO BACK TO THE STORY! PLEASE! I BEG YOU! I BESEECH YOU, GO BACK TO THE STORY! THIS IS AGONY!"
Suboshi quirked an eyebrow. "What are we going to do after this is over?"
Amiboshi shrugged. "Let's go get dinner after."
"PLEASE! ONEGAI! GO BACK TO THE STORY! I CAN'T TAKE IT! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU, I COME TO YOU ON MY KNEES, GO BACK TO THE STORY!!"
Miboshi absently scratched Ashitare behind the ears. "Good boy," Miboshi said. Ashitare thumped his leg on the floor.
Yui looked bored.
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!??!!"
Seiryuu tried to offer Nakago divine comfort, but it wasn't working.
Genbu was getting annoyed by this incredibly long seishi interlude.
"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! PLEASE GO BACK TO THE STORY!!!"
Tasuki and Kouji raised their sake bowls in a toast.
Chiriko and Mitsukake played Tic Tac Toe.
"COME ON! PLEASE! THIS IS HORRIBLE! I'M GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!"
Chichiri and Nuriko played cards. Hotohori looked in the mirror.
Tamahome and Miaka made out for a while.
"THAT'S NOT FAIR! YOU ARE SO MEAN! STOP IT! GO BACK TO THE STORY! I PROMISE, I'LL NEVER WEAR MAKEUP AGAIN IF YOU JUST GO BACK TO THE STORY!!"
Author Interlude:
Aeanagwen tapped her foot. "Would you wrap it up? This is unforgivebly cruel." In the distance, a heartbroken 'Nooooo!" wailed from Tomo's general direction.
"BUT IT'S FUNNY!"
"IT'S TORTURE!"
"... You're making it longer..."
Nakago had a sudden flash of hope.
Story:
Tomo's lips brushed over Nakago's with no more pressure than the brush of a feather. The taste of his beloved's lips filled his mouth like the sweetest of honeys. He felt the aching of sixteen years of lonliness dissapate, vanishing soft and silently as snowfall. His head spun; he felt as though he were flying, floating, drifting in the farthest reaches of his dreams. A soft warm breath tickled at his skin, but Tomo could not bring himself to break away. He simply turned his head, feeling the warmth stoked into a passionate fire the likes of which are defiled by mere mortal words. Nakago's eyes fluttered, and their gaze met.
Crystal clear ice and chipped sapphire met sunset bronze and metallic gold. Tomo's heart skipped a beat, feeling as though any moment it might break free of the bonds of his physical form. A soft hitch sounded as Nakago drew a breath--and kissed back. Light exploded in the souls of the two lovers as their spirits entwined, branching and spreading towards the sky.
Their love's first kiss--long and sweet and with every beauty of the Heavens encompassed within, all shining bright and steadfast within the hearts of the reunited princes, banishing all fear.
Seishi Interlude:
"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!! LUUUUUUUUUUUUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!"
Nakago burst into angry, frightened, heartbroken tears. Soi held him and tried to comfort him, in turn preventing Nakago from turning into a twitching gelatinous mass of Hin Jell-O.
Suboshi desperately wanted to poke him with a stick to see if he was dead, but was afraid that he wasn't, and didn't want to risk it.
Author Interlude:
Aeanagwen collapsed on the couch in a boneless heap as Celleri approached the moniter, reading over the three paragraphs.
"That," she proclaimed, "is disgusting."
Aeanagwen didn't answer at first. "I--am--EXHAUSTED," she groaned finally. I have hereby sapped my creative juices completely. I am drained to the dregs. God, I'm not going to be able to write for a week!"
"I wish I could do that," Celleri said, with a small round of applause.
"I wish I hadn't done it now. Seems a shame to waste something that descriptive on a parody. Now I can't use it in a serious story."
Celleri shrugged. "I think we'd better get back to the story."
Story:
Prince Tomo finally rose from the bed and offered his beloved his arm. "Shall we?"
Nakago nodded, smiling, and took his Prince's arm. They walked, arm-in-arm, to the bathroom so that Nakago could put his armor back on and drain the bathtub.
Meanwhile, the three Guardians flew around waking everyone up. Seiryuu, Genbu, and Yui-sama woke up in the banquet hall, surrounded by a feast and thousands of guests, all just now being roused from deep sleep.
"What happened?" Seiryuu asked, sobered up considerably.
"I don't know."
The three Guardians appeared before the Gods and Miko. "Your Majesties, we present to you your sons, Prince Tomo and Prince Nakago."
And they appeared, dressed in their court finest, and bowed to their parents. Nakago was greeted with open arms and contratulations from his mother, and a pitiable hug from his father. After some quick last minute-preparations, Tomo and Nakago were married on the spot--
Seishi Interlude:
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
Nakago wailed incoherently.
Story:
--by a monk with blue hair, who promptly disappeared into his hat immediately afterward.
"Our little boy is all grown up!" Faunaboshi whimpered, dabbing at his eyes with the sleeves of his silk and velvet green dress robes. "Floraboshi...Are you crying?"
Floraboshi sniffed and answered quickly, "No, of course not. I don't cry." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his own red satin dress robes.
"SOMEBODY GET ME THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THIS GOD DAMN DRESS!" Meriboshi shrieked. Rather than the masculine robes his fellow Guardians were given, he wore a long, beautiful baby-blue gown, trimmed with white lace and gold tassels, with a long silk train hanging from the pointed princess cap on his head. "SOMEONE WILL DIE FOR THIS!"
"SHUT UP MERIBOSHI, NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOU TALK!"
And Meriboshi shut up and watched the happy newlyweds dance their traditional wedding waltz.
As they danced, Floraboshi could only watch and be happy for them, even if his little Newton hadn't grown up to be the man's man (or had he?) he'd wanted to raise him as, and realized that Nakago's armor was blue.
"Blood!" and it turned red.
Meriboshi was watching and saw it instantly when the color changed. "Seiryuu, goddammit!"
"Blood!"
"Seiryuu!"
"Blood!"
"Seiryuu!"
"Blooooooooood!"
Tomo and Nakago both noticed the latter's apparently psychedelic armor and began to wonder about it. "Nakago, my dear, why are your clothes on acid?"
Nakago shrugged. "I don't know, my love."
Seishi Interlude:
"MY LOVE!" Tomo swooned and melted into heap o' illusionist.
"My God..." Nakago gibbered and crumpled into heap o' shogun.
Story:
And they decided to just let it go, because they had been promised to
live happily ever after. And they did.
THE END
"SEIRYUU!"
"BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"
"SEIRYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
"BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!"