Author's Note: This is my first story, I hope you like it! It's a retelling of the episode, "It Came From Outer Ed," (where Ed comes up with a scam of his own), but the premise is that Ed isn't really as dumb as he acts. I tried to get the lines as close to the actual episode as I could, but I'm going all on memory, folks, so please forgive any misquotes!
Finally, I'd like to point out that I don't think the characters are really like I portray them here (i.e., I don't think Ed's all that bright, or that Eddy's quite that big a jerk), but I thought it'd be fun to give this a go. Please let me know what you think – and thanks for reading this!
~High Planes Drifter~
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Ed sat in his room, utterly engrossed in his latest Evil Tim comic. It was a thing of beauty. The lifelike drawings, the clever allusions to classic superheroes, the intricate plotlines – he'd not read a graphic novel of this caliber since Sandman's run had ended. It was so overwhelming, it was all he could do to peer at it through one half-cracked eye.
Suddenly, a pounding noise at his window tore him away. He glanced up to see Eddy, and wondered what he wanted this time: a grunt-worker to help him carry stuff, or a stooge to provide him with a little mean-spirited entertainment.
"Ed! Help! It's a monster!" Ah, "stooge" it was, then. Going up to the window, Ed tried to explain that he didn't have time right now, that he'd just gotten a new comic book and was hoping for a quiet afternoon alone, but Eddy wasn't listening as usual and dragged him outside.
Blinking in the bright morning sun, he had to admit he was impressed at Eddy's ability to round up the entire cul-de-sac despite his wholly unsavory reputation. Eddy really did have amazing powers of persuasion. If only he'd put them to better use than railroading his friends into carrying out all those farfetched scams, he'd have been able to buy the candy store by now.
"Relax, everybody!" Eddy hoisted Ed up by the shirt collar. "Ed's here, we're all saved!"
"Yup, it's me all right!" Ed put on his best "doofus" face and waved at the kids.
Eddy didn't waste any time. "Look, Ed, here it comes!" He pointed, and Ed followed his gaze…
He had to briefly hide his face in his comic to conceal an uncontrolled snort of laughter. Looking as though he were being devoured by a rampaging shrub, Double-D was shakily hobbling towards them on a pair of makeshift stilts no doubt ready to snap at any second. Ed marveled again at Eddy's powers of persuasion.
Did the other kids think he couldn't hear them laughing right behind his back? Well, if a spectacle was what they wanted, he could play along. He shook with horror and cried out, "It's an alien, guys! It has come to dissect our internal organs and feed them to the minions of Hades!" Ooh, that Hades bit was a nice touch.
Behind him, Jimmy seemed to be having trouble with his tricycle, or trouble with Eddy, or perhaps both, as he suddenly went rolling out towards the "alien". "Help! Runaway trike!!"
Ed knew what was expected of him. "I will save you, Jimmy!" Casting about for something that would make an appropriate alien eradicator, his eyes lit on a good-sized elm tree. He ripped it out of the ground and ran off after Jimmy.
"Oh my! Look at the size of that northern Dutch elm!" Ed could hear the panic in Double-D's voice from 20 feet away. Perhaps it wasn't exactly fair that Edd, not Eddy, was about to get clobbered, but Ed supposed he could do with a little lesson in the dangers of being too much a follower.
"Take that, evil space alien!" Ed ended Double-D's pitiful escape attempts by crashing the tree down on top of him. He couldn't help but chuckle a little. "The danger has passed!"
The kids were laughing openly now. "Ed-boy has fallen harder than Nano's arches, yes? No?" Rolf's native idioms were always a delight to Ed – it was so refreshing to get a glimpse into a culture so very different from his own. His mind drifted happily back to Rolf's wonderfully quaint "That's My Horse" dance, while around him everyone started wandering off, the entertainment apparently over.
Or maybe it wasn't. "Jimmy!!" Sarah's voice was tight with panic. Ed looked around, and caught sight of a mangled tricycle handle sticking out from beneath the tree. Uh-oh.
"Oh no, the alien got Jimmy!" Maybe if he played up the concerned lunkhead angle, Sarah wouldn't tell on him. "Don't worry, Jimmy, I will save you!" Thrusting one hand down beneath the tree, he grabbed hold of Jimmy and pulled him out. He was looking rather worse for wear, so Ed tried a little first aid. Locking his lips around Jimmy's, he tried not to notice the sickly-sweet scent of fluffernutter sandwiches as he administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Jimmy unfurled like a party favor – the effect was so amusing, Ed couldn't resist doing it a few more times.
"Ed, stop! Jimmy! Speak to me!" Sarah hovered worriedly about her friend.
"Some things are better left unsaid." Jimmy was looking no better, despite Ed's careful ministrations, so Ed let him go. Sarah helped him to his feet and together they staggered off.
Eddy came over, wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes. "That was great! I've gotta hand it to ya, Lumpy – you're a riot!"
Now that the excitement was over, Ed let himself feel the irritation that had been building up in him throughout this whole incident. Not that he'd let it show – Eddy seemed to thrive on getting people's dander up, and to yell at him or otherwise give voice to his ire would only encourage him. Still, there had to be a way…
As he was considering this, Edd finally came to and tried to drag himself out from under the tree. "Is this what we've been reduced to? Humiliating each other?"
Double-D would never make it out on his own. Ed was about to go help him, but then he remembered he wasn't supposed to know that Edd had been the "alien" all along. He put on his best "shocked" face. "Oh no, Double-D, not you too!" He dragged his battered friend out and prepared to try the party favor trick again.
"No first aid, Ed!!" Edd struggled to free himself as Eddy looked on in hysterics. There just had to be a way of giving Eddy a dose of his own medicine…
"I feel funny, guys…" Ed dropped Edd and thought for a moment. Suddenly – "Boing!" – he had just the plan! Perhaps a little abstract expressionism would help convey this. Scooping up a chunk of dirt, he held it over his head. His friends looked confused, so he added, "It's a light bulb!"
"Well, I'm stumped." Eddy didn't seem keen on playing along.
"I believe Ed has an idea, Eddy." Apparently his light bulb hint helped Edd out, at least.
"Boing!" He repeated. "For a scam!" Just who would be scammed…well…
Eddy laughed. "No way, Ed! Stick to counting your teeth! I come up with the scams around here!" Egotistical little gnat. It looked like Ed would have to work at getting his way. "Accidentally" flinging his dirt-bulb at Eddy, he plopped down on the ground and started sobbing.
"Boing, Eddy! Boing!"
"What's his problem?" Eddy seemed unmoved, but Ed was counting on Double-D's sensitive nature to get the best of him.
Inevitably, it worked. "Aww, look at him, Eddy!" Edd came over and gave him a hug. Ed almost felt bad about using him like this, but he really asked for it sometimes. "First you make him the butt of your jokes, and now you deny him freedom of concept!" He patted Ed on the back. "Ed could have come up with something truly unique!"
Ed knew that "unique" was just a polite way of saying "galactically bizarre," but he appreciated the support, nonetheless. "It's a good one, Eddy!" He buried his face in Edd's shoulder and redoubled his wailing.
With both his lackeys standing firm against him, it didn't take long for Eddy to cave in. "All right, fine! We'll do your stupid scam!"
Ed thought a little victory dance was in order. He hopped up and ran circles around Double-D, singing out "My scam! My scam! My scam!" Leaning in towards Edd, he added, "I learned that trick from Sarah." Double-D seemed politely confused.
As he continued his celebration, he was unsurprised to notice Eddy glaring at Double-D. "This is on YOUR head, you know!" Edd always seemed to bear the brunt of Eddy's ill moods. Ed considered again the wisdom of playing up the oblivious angle – he never gave Eddy the satisfaction of reacting negatively to the mistreatment, so Eddy naturally gravitated towards a more rewarding target.
Further gloating would probably only cause trouble for Double-D, so Ed ran off in the direction of the construction site. It would be a perfect setting for a little afternoon of "uniqueness".