"But where are you my angel now?Don't you see me crying?"
There are moments when the world feels like it has stopped moving. When the important people in a person's life leave them, by force or by choice, the world loses it's momentum. The force that kept it on it's axis and kept it spinning is no longer there and therefore everything stops. This has happened to Kate Beckett only one time before. That night in January was the only other time that Kate could remember feeling as though there was no reason for the world to still be spinning. But in this moment it felt even worse since she was standing in a different place then last time. Her heart was missing. It was burning to ash along with her partner on what should have been that happiest day of her life. They were finally going to get their happy ending, or so she thought.
"And I know that you can't do it allbut you can't say I'm not trying."
When someone else finally pulled her away from the horrific scene in front of her, she turned expecting to find Rick waiting for her like he always was. But this time when she saw blue eyes looking to her, they were filled with the tears of another girl that lost her parent. Alexis looked more like a lost little girl than the sophisticated young woman that had been playing a major role in helping with the wedding planning only days earlier. As Kate pulls Alexis into her arms both women break down and let the tears both had been holding back roll down their faces. Kate felt another person wrap her arms around the two of them and as she looked over to Martha she saw the pain of a grieving mother in place of the normally joyous and loving personality that she adored. The three women stayed close to one another even as they were moved from the location where the man they love- loved was taken from them. By the time they arrived back at the Hamptons house, the guest had left to go back to their hotels so that the family could grieve in private. Lanie, Espo, Ryan, and Jenny had offered their condolences, but retreated back to the rooms they were staying in to pack up their things and grieve on their own.
"I'm on my knees in front of himbut he doesn't seem to see me."
The three women stayed the rest of the summer in the Hamptons, with the exception of the day of the funeral. Kate didn't remember much of that day. She wanted to do right by him, but it was too soon to be saying goodbye. "Rick Castle was a father, a son, a friend to most of us here but to me he was the man I loved with my whole heart. He was my solace when I thought I had nowhere else to go, a source of laughter when cases felt like they were getting to dark, and, most importantly, the person that showed me that it was ok to let my walls down and be with someone without having an escape plan ready at all times. He showed me… he showed me…" Kate hadn't been able to even make it through the first paragraph of her eulogy before breaking down completely. Espo stood up in that moment and continued reading for her, but she didn't remember much of what else she had written because it hurt too much to think about life without him. Even with the summer pulling to the inevitable end that always occurs, Kate couldn't bring herself to go back to work or even back to the city. While Martha returned to her theatre to avoid thinking about the death of her only son and Alexis returned to the city to continue the education she knew her father wanted for her, Kate found no reason to return to the city that she could only think of him or the job that had brought him to her. So when the women said goodbye to the woman that they considered family even though the ceremony that should have made her a stepmother, daughter-in-law, and, most importantly, a wife never ended up happening, they promised they would see her soon and if she felt like returning to the city the loft would be waiting for her. Kate thanked them, but doubted she would be able to return to the place where she had spent so much of their life together.
"With all his troubles on his mindhe's looking right through me."
Weeks past and yet nothing changed for Kate. Even though it had been months since she had last felt Rick's arms around her, she still almost expected him to walk through the door at any moment. Kate felt weaker than she had in years, almost like half of her was missing. The only thing that Kate could feel was the grief that was always present. She didn't have regrets like some of the families she had talked to when they lost a loved one. Rick knew that she loved him and she had wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, but she wished they had more time; time to grow old and spend more of their life together.
"And I'm letting myself downby satisfying you"
There were times Kate imagined him being next to her or she swore she could hear his voice coming from down the hall. Although she knew it wasn't real, she sometimes let the imaginary events continue because it helped her to pretend he was here and lessen the pain that resides where her heart should be, even if it was all only in her mind. On his birthday she even bought a cupcake and lit a candle for him. "Make a wish Babe." And even though it was really the ceiling fan, she pretended that he was standing next to her and blew it out.
"And I wish that you could seethat I have my troubles too."
She hasn't been able to have coffee since he left her. It was their thing, a kiss hello in a different way, but not something that she wanted when she was alone. She tried to find solace in his words like she had when she lost her mother, but while it helped bring his voice back into her head for even the smallest amount of time, it also brought memories forward that were harder for her to deal with. She could remember his touch, his voice, and it made it hard for her to breathe. Night time was the hardest because she could almost feel his arm draped over her midsection. Most nights she didn't sleep due to the fact that when she sleeps, she dreams of him and waking from that is almost more painful than realizing that he hasn't been here in almost a year.
"And I know that in the morning I'll have to let you go"
Martha and Alexis came down to be with Kate on the one year anniversary that should have been a totally different anniversary. They talked about their favorite memories of their favorite man. Kate got the chance to hear some stories that she hadn't heard before and also shared some of the cases that had been her favorite Castle cases. Kate could almost picture Rick sitting with them ready to chime in about the little things or ready to finish the sentences that he was too impatient to let her finish. "I'm sorry," was all Kate could whisper before running out of the room to let out the tears that all three of them had when she realized that it was too real for her. That Rick wasn't going to be here for any of this ever again. The rest of the anniversary weekend was a somber event between the women as each of them tried to keep a fake smile on their face as to try and lessen the other's pain. When Martha and Alexis left to return to the city, again offering that Kate was welcome to come back with them if she wanted, Kate shook her head knowing that it was easier to be here where she wasn't hiding her pain from them.
"Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign"
It has been two years since she last felt Rick in her arms, felt his lips upon her lips. Martha and Alexis had respected her wishes when she asked to be alone this time. She knew that for them it was starting to get easier for them to continue on with their lives if they didn't focus on the pain. Alexis was in her junior year at college and planning on continuing with her master's degree after finishing her senior year while Martha had thrown herself completely into her work. Kate on the other hand hadn't gone back to work in two years and by being far away from her work family she had grown out of touch with them. Their lives were continuing while Kate's life was at a standstill. There was only one thing that she wanted to change in her life but that wasn't going to happen. Her phone ringing pulled Kate from her thoughts. Kate was betting that it was Martha or Alexis calling to check up on her. But she didn't really want to talk to them at the moment. She let it run to voice mail and when her phone alerted her there was a new message she clicked to listen.
"Katherine, call me when you have a chance. There's big news I need to tell you."
Martha sounded too cheerful for the day that she lost her son. But Kate decided she wasn't going to deal with this today. Kate reopened Heat Wave, trying to let his words comfort her on this day. It wasn't until she heard keys unlocking the front door that she was pulled from her connection to him. Kate walked slowly to the front hallway where her eyes didn't- no, couldn't believe what they were seeing.
"Honey, I'm home." His voice rang out for the first time in two years and Heat Wave fell to the floor as she ran to throw her arms around him.
"How?" She whispers. "I thought you were dead."
"I know you did." Rick explained everything that had happened in the past two years to the woman he loved. "But it was the only way to protect you, Mother, and Alexis. The FBI finally has him and his partner." He would never forgive Jerry Tyson for what he did but seeing Kate in front of him alive; he knew he made the right choice.
"I missed you so much." It's the first thing out of her mouth since he started the story of why he had left her.
"I missed you too, but I'm back for good."
"Let's go home." Kate says, finally willing to return to the place that she didn't want to be at without him. Kate was finally willing to go home because home was whenever she was with him.
Author Note: The bolded song lyrics are from "The Hill" from Once the Musical. I had to give myself some kind of closure after that episode so that I don't start crying. Therefore I chose what I believe could be a cause of why Rick is at the moment missing or gone. I'm going to be dying to find out where Andrew Marlow is taking this plot in September, but I can't say I was super happy about what happened in the finale, just saying… But I do believe that it was a well put together episode.