The Universal Harry Potter Fanfic

By: marauderette-47

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter!

Author's Note: No one take offense to this, please! It's my first attempt at a parody;) It's just poking fun at some of the most ridikkulus (misspelling intended) things I've seen on FanFiction. Reviews are welcome & appriciated! Have fun guys - you'll laugh til you cry XD

Harry Potter was walking down a random Muggle street when he suddenly saw two people in front of him. It doesn't matter what they looked like or what the year is, these two people are definitely his parents. Harry accepts them without questions, and they all hug and cry. Lilly (I think that's how you spell it, but don't be surprised if it changes throughout the story. This is my first fanfic, so that gives me an excuse to have horrendous grammer and not know the names of the characters) and James Potter were back to life, due to an anicent, six zillion year old spell that Dumbledore found.

Harry, who we now know is 15, takes his parents to Grimmauld Place, even though he's never been there himself, and shows them to Sirius, Remus, and the Weasleys, who also accept that they are the REAL LIFE Lilliee and James Potter without question. Harry doesn't need to take time to get to know them (I mean, come on! Their his parents! He's really known them alllll along, even if they've been, lik, dead) and Harry prepares to go back to school on the hogwarts ExpresS without any more detail than that about his summer.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Neville, Lavendar, and Dean are all in a compartment together, talking about Quidditch and life as if Voldemort DIDN'T just come back to life (o, yah, Ginny and Luna are in their year now, just saying!) and everyone has changed a lot during the summer. Neville and Ginny are in love to create some angst for Harry, who also loves Ginny, and Dean is suddenly gay and has eyes for Ron. Hermione has finally discovered makeup, and has straightened her glossy brown hair so that it falls in sleek waves down her back. Her robes have also suddenly shrunk five sizes, and Ron can't take his eyes off of her gorgeous curves.

There's no need to say what else happened on the train (oh, right, there was a Death Eater attack on the train, too, but I'll bring it up later!) and everyone was back at Hogwarts. Dumbledore makes an announcement that the three Marauders and Lillieey are now the Defense Professors (they will DEFINITELY prank Snape, that's like, they're top priority now that they're back at Hogwarts!) and he also says that there's going to be a random Valentine's Day dance that everyone has to attend in a week, even though it's September.

"Who are you going to ask to the dance?" Ginny asks her BFF Hermione. The two girls are incredibly close, and kno everything bout each other.

"I don't know," says Mione, as though she knows she can get any boy she wants. "I was thinking about Harry, because I may or may not like him. I don't really know - it could just be for more tension between me and Ron."

"Hey, Hermione," says Draco Malfoy, who suddenly appears at the Gryffindor table with his best friend, Blaise. (Right, Crabbe and Goyle are at Durmstrang - I don't like them, so they're not in this story!) "I was wondering if you would go to the dance with me?"

But Hermione can't answer. She never realized how totally GORGEOUS Draco Flipping Malfoy is! You can practically see his six-pack underneath his robes - and his Dark Mark - it's needed there for more of that angst! - and she gets lost in his eyes. Nevermind the fact that Hermione is a mudblood and Malfoy would never be seen with her - Hermione says yes, and goes back to the Slytherin table with Malfoy, where she becomes best friends with Pansy Parkinson and sneaks some Firewhiskey into her goblet.

"We also have a new student," announces Dumbledore, because every new students ALWAYS gets announced in front of the whole school. "This is Maribeth James - she's joining our fifth year Gryffindors, and she's completely perfect in every way. Welcome!"

Every eye in the room is on Maribeth - she is stunning! She's half Veiilla (I tink that's how you spell it!) and she has gorgeous blonde locks that fall in ringlets from her head. Her eyes are a stunning violet, and she's wearing a gorgeous light blue dress that shows off her figure perfectly. She has on six inch stilletoes, and her smile is charming. She doesn't need to follow the school dress code - she's Maribeth James! She goes over to the Gryffindor table and sits next to Harry, who is sweating because he's so near her.

"Are you from Tennessee?" he asks, because he's always been SO good with the ladies. "Because you're the only ten I see!"

Maribeth gigles, and it is a PERFECT giggle. Harry proceeds to ask random blonde to random dance, and random blonde says yes.

Fastforward through all this 'unimportant crap' to the night of the dance, where Hermione and Draco are making out in the middle of Sexy and I Know It, because wizards DEFINITELY know that song, and Harry and Maribeth have just snuck off for some privacy. Since it's a masquerade ball, all of the Slytherins have become smitten with the Gryffindors, because not seeing their faces makes them fall in love with them. Meanwhile, Cho Chang runs into Harry and Maribeth making out in the hallway - because Hogwarts doesn't have corridors or anything - and she begins to cry.

"HARRY? HOW COULD YOU? I LOVED YOU YOU BASTARD!"

Cho proceeds to slap Harry, because she's apparently been in love with him this whole time, and walks away.

The next morning, everyone has a hangover, because there weren't TEACHERS or anything at this dance, and everyone got really super drunk and had sex in the prefect's bathroom. It's a schoolday now, and the Marauders prank all of the Slytherins at breakfast. Oh, and Dumbeldore allowed it and Lili yelled at James and slapped him. Sirius replied with a witty comment, in which he incorporated his name with the word 'serious' (HA! Serious/Sirius, get it? Get it?) and then Snape ends up staring at Lily for the entirety of breakfast.

Dobby now runs through the Great Hall, goingtoattackand hesreally upsetand(I'm sorry about the weird spacing, I had time to go back and give you this annoying A/N, but I don't have time to go back and fix it right now) and now everything is underlined, and I'm sorry about that, I noticed it, but Idon't feel like going back and changing it,and all of the sudden, Voldemort comes into the room with a sneer on his face.

"I have come to take Hogwarts!" he hisses. Everyone gasps, but no one makes a move to hide.

Before anything else could happen, four flashes of light beamed in the sky, and the four founders of Hogwarts appear in the Great Hall. Godric Gryffindor holds up a book labeled Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, and says that the Great Hall is now time-resistant and that everyone has to read the Harry Potter series out loud. Everyone turns in the wands to avoid fighting, and they all sit down to begin the book.

"Chapter One," narrates Lilyie, who has volunteered the go first. "The Boy Who Lived."

Seven books later, everyone in Hogwarts feels so bad for Harry and they all love him, so Voldemort has a change of heart and everything is all well and good in the world of Harry Potter. Harry marries Ginny, Ron and Mione get together, Dean makes passionate love to Draco, and I think I've finally learned how to spell Lily's name! But it's the end of the fic, so I'm not going to bother to go back and change anything.

Now, without a line seperation, I'm going to let u guys kno that this is the best fic ever and EVERYONE NEEDS TO REVIEW IT BECAUSE IF YOU DONT I WILL CRY! THANKS YOU SOOOS MUCH YOU GUYS! MWAH!

And that's that! May not have been as funny as I was going for, but I've been getting kind of fed up with bad fics, so I hope that this was somewhat amusing. Thanks for reading!