Consider any fan fiction story an advertisement for the original show, movie or book. The 1998 Cupid show can be watched for the Most part at youtube. ABC still has a few episodes of the 2009 show and Itunes sells them. They are well worth it.
I do not own Cupid or Felix or Lita, but ABC doesn't own Cupid either. The ancient Greeks do. They are looking down from the Heaven Science will build and because of curved space/time already exists, laughing in glee that we are still writing about characters they invented thousands of years ago! May Star Trek and Doctor Who and Quantum Leap last as long and do as well!
It occurred to me yesterday that a being who can do what Cupid/Trevor can do is harmless ONLY because he chooses to be! What if the god of love got in a situation where he had to be violent to save the life of someone dear to him? I think we would find a being with his abilities to be a very dangerous opponent indeed!
Warning! Most of my stories are warm and fuzzy. This one has elements of that but in one place it gets violent and a bit gory!
Cupid: Not Quite THAT Harmless!
By
Elizabeth Hensley
Place. The office at Tres Equis.
Time. Friday night at 12:40; forty minutes after closing.
Trevor Pierce who was really the Greco-Roman god of love but who now worked at a Mexican Cantina and grill stuffed the last bite of a water cress on whole wheat sandwich in his mouth and added up the day's take on three different sheets of paper. The desk had piles of coins and dollar bills all neatly sorted in their proper denominations.
His boss, Felix came in the room. Trevor handed him one of the pieces of paper. He grinned broadly, "Here's the days paper and coin total, Boss, added up as you requested in English numbers!"
Felix looked at the piece of paper. His eyebrows went up, "Trevor what is this? This is worse than the Roman numerals you handed me last time! I can at least sort of read Roman numerals!"
Mischievously Cupid said, "English numbers. It's what you requested. Of course no one in the Mortal realm actually uses English numbers any more, not for centuries since the Muslims invented the zero. They were peaceful back then until the crusades riled them up. I prefer to do math in Roman numerals because that's what I grew up with. I'm used to them. But I fully admit zeros make it a whole lot easier to do math, which is why I added up tonight's take in Arabic numerals too." Grinning like a canary fed cat, Trevor handed Felix another piece of paper.
Felix sighed. He felt like he'd entered one of the more harmless parts of the Twilight Zone which was typical for having a cracker jack employee who was, despite his extreme competence, convinced he was a 3000 year old god!
With mild trepidation Felix glanced at the new piece of paper his creatively crazy employee had handed him and breathed a sigh of relief. It said after several neat, perfectly readable columns of numbers; $3457.29. "Trevor this is English. This was what I asked for! Why didn't you give this to me in the first place?"
Trevor shook his head, "No sir. This is Arabic. The whole world uses Arabic numerals now because it is a superior way to do math." He held up the other piece of paper. "This is English. Ancient Anglo actually. I doubt anyone even remembers this type of numerals other than us gods any more."
Felix sighed.
Trevor grinned, "It's not my fault you modern Mortals don't remember the difference!"
Felix shook his head in disapproving amazement. "Trevor why do you make stuff like this so much harder than it has to be?"
Trevor explained, "Because I have a mind that just has to think just like a race horse had to run and an Eagle has to fly!
Felix said sadly, looking towards a dreaded future, "Trevor you are really under challenged working here. I'll lose you someday."
Trevor smiled reassuringly and shook his head, "Name me almost any job in the Mortal realm I wouldn'tbe bored stiff at without my own personal tweaking, other than computer stuff and I can barely do that at all. I've learned to google and manage email. That's about it."
Now this is interesting! Felix asked, "Why can't you do computer work when every thing else you say you can do?"
Trevor explained, "Because the computer revolution only got good and going after I was cast down. Most every other job I watched from an omnipresent viewpoint. But just about everything I learned about personal computing I learned in Mortal-mode from 8 year old Timmy next door. Five bucks an hour is cheap for what he taught me and it was very hard for me to learn! Claire thinks I might be a multiple personality. Maybe so considering how I've had to drag myself kicking and screaming into computer literacy! I've really had to fight myself because I'd really much rather go sit under a tree and watch the stars or admire the daffodils like Wordsworth. But I know I must! Because if we gods do the easy thing and relax for merely a couple of centuries Mortal tech is evolving so rapidly we gods will soon be hopelessly behind!"
Felix nodded thoughtfully, "You are a most consistent and logical Lunatic, Trevor!"
Cupid laughed, "At least you are respectful when you call me, 'Lunatic!' That's part of the reason you won't ever lose me. You gently and respectfully accept me as I really am even if you don't believe me about it. Plus I am happy here. I may not be intellectually challenged as a Barkeep but I'm emotionally fulfilled and you put up with my 'cupiding.' The he frowned, "Plus I would have serious difficulties finding another position with my lack of work history and so called 'psychiatric problem,' even though I feel just fine! So you aren't in any danger whatsoever of losing me. In fact I plan to bring in even more business for us soon. I'm going to do a Youtube video soon as I can find someone to handle the techy part. It's time Cupid really came out of the closet!"
While Felix was still reeling at that bombshell Cupid said, "Time to get the money in its nook." He used his arms and hands to slide the piles of money into a plastic money envelope, swung around to the safe behind the desk and without looking punched in the numbers and tugged on the handle.
It didn't open.
A bit surprised at his "failure" to punch in the proper numbers Trevor did it again, watching what he was doing closely this time.
It still didn't open.
"Boss we have a problem. The safe won't open."
Felix came over and tried to open the safe too. With little surprise since he knew Trevor was perfectly competent he found his employee was right. "Well, that's a bit of a problem."
Trevor said calmly, "Hide the money under your mattress tonight and tomorrow I'll call a professional safe cracker and lock smith."
Felix nodded, took the money envelope from Trevor and turned to head to his room.
Suddenly Lita screamed!
Both men ran out the door to find Felix's Sister with a knife to her throat. The man was welding it was obviously coming down from some kind of heroin. "Give me that money!" he growled.
Without a word Felix handed him the money envelope.
The man said, "No! All of it. I know this is Friday night. Your safe is full!"
Trevor said, "we can't get it open."
"Well you WILL or she dies!"
With calculated motives Trevor turned and headed back into the office hoping the man would follow him. He did, dragging Lita with him and never once did the knife leave her throat.
Felix tried frantically and futility to try and open the safe again.
Cupid calmly sat down at the desk again. He said, "We aren't lying about being unable to open the safe."
"Open it or she dies!"
Cupid said firmly, "We can't and you don't realize who you are dealing with."
The punk stared at Trevor.
Trevor continued, "I am not really a Mortal. I am a god and you are in extreme danger right now!"
The man laughed bitterly and Felix felt his heart leap up in his throat! Of course the stress was making Trevor's psychosis worse! And it could get Lita killed! He stammered "Sir please humor my friend! He's insane! He spent 90 days in the mental hospital across the street! Please don't kill my sister because of anything he says!"
Trevor calmly said, "Interesting choice of words: 'Insane." It means 'dangerous to one's self and others. I've actually got a big. red 'harmless" stamp on the first page of my psychiatric file but maybe they will have to amend that now to 'mostly harmless." Because I've never had reason to be 'insane' before. Now I do! You see I can actually do insane when reality calls for it. I am the god of love but do not ever forget who my Father is; the god of war! And despite irreconcilable differences I am my Father's son!"
The man was not impressed, "Yeah, well if you don't get that safe open....!"
Cupid said, "You realize I have you outgunned or more accurately out pointy-objected?"
Suddenly it dawned on Felix what 'Cupid' had in mind! It made him feel even more frightened and yet there was a slight hope now Lita might live! His crazy employee just might be able to pull it off! He'd seen him throw darts!
Cupid continued, "You only have one knife. I have five pens, two pencils, a nail file and if it comes to it about two dozen paper clips that can be unfolded."
The punk shrugged, "So you have a well stocked office. So what?"
Trevor said in a very warning tone of voice, "You really dare to challenge a god? Watch it! I am taking the ink cartridges out of the pens. See how sharp they are? You still want to hold that knife to my friend's throat?"
"Sure." The punk said sarcastically. "Go for it!Throw some ink cartridges and a couple of pencils at me!"
Trevor actually laughed bitterly, "Foolish, foolish Mortal! I have actually being given permission and had specified what I can and can not throw!"
It happened so quickly Felix could hardly follow it!
The first ink cartridge hit and pierced the man's right wrist hitting his nerve in just such a way he involuntarily lost his grasp on the knife. It fell to the floor. He tried to bend down to pick it up so Trevor aimed the second ink cartridge at the other wrist in exactly the same manner. He would not be switching hands with that knife! So the punk grabbed Lita around the neck with his right arm to choke her instead.
Lita elbowed him in the crotch. But the punk was still high enough on drugs to not to be fully feeling it. He continued to squeeze her neck.
The third cartridge got him in the jugular vein. He started hollering! But he still wouldn't let go! Lita was starting to turn blue!
Cartridges four and five went to the left and right side of his right eye. Felix realized Trevor could have hit the eyes themselves if he'd wanted to! Reflexively the punk go of Lita to put his hands over his eyes. Lita finally got away and Felix grabbed the punk and wrestled him to the floor. He kept thrashing around trying to get away! Trevor came and sat on his left leg and Lita sat on his right.
It was a very long time before he quit thrashing and that was because of blood loss. Blood was gushing out his jugular vein with every heart beat!
Trevor hadn't just flung incredibly accurately. He had flung incredibility hard!
Finally the punk was weak enough they didn't have to hold him down. He lay there sobbing and bleeding. Trevor calmly got up, walked over to the desk, sat down again and picked up the office phone. He dialed 911. "Hello. This is the Tres Equis Bar. We are directly across the street from Sachs-Gordon Medical Center. Yes I know that's better than an address for finding us. We just apprehended a would be armed robber. He is injured and requires medical attention."
Lita found a paper towel and held it up to the punk's jugular vein to finally stop the bleeding.
Felix didn't dare give up his hold on the man! Still holding the punk down, just in case, Felix stared at his "harmless mentally ill" employee. He swallowed, "Did they let you have pens and pencils in the psyche ward?"
Trevor nodded, "Yes. Because I was in ward B; the harmless ward. They let us have a few more privileges there than they do in Disturbed and Violent."
Felix was terrified! "You could have...."
Trevor smiled reassuringly, "Any mystery writer will tell you opportunity and ability don't add up to motive."
"But the orderlies...!"
"Were annoying yes! I do so not enjoy being dragged to a restraining bed and strapped down at first until Dr. Greeley could determine I was harmless, and I did so not enjoy being jabbed with joy juice every hour! Those needles hurt! Even after they switched me to pills having a brain full of cotton was no fun! That stuff has its uses but it was the wrong medication for me! I wasn't and am not schizophrenic and even Claire agrees with me about that. But when I was put under her care she weaned me off those meds and just talks with me which I enjoy most of the time. And I always knew the Orderlies meant well. They never were in any danger. We became buddies."
Felix shuttered.
Trevor continued, "I do have common sense, compassion and foresight you know. Even Claire will tell you "if he can be kept off the subject of his being a god I can't tell him from normal!' I know darn well I'd never have gotten out if I'd ever hurt anyone and under any other circumstances but this kind, committing an act of violence not only would get me hauled back across the street again but Claire could lose her license for recommending my release! Do you think I would do that to her? Harmless is as harmless does.'
Felix shuttered, "I should fire you!"
Trevor was a bit hurt, "For saving your sister's life?"
Slowly and skeptically Felix said, "I guess not. But I'm going to need counseling now!"
Lita said, "Me too! But that's because of the attack not because Trevor saved me. To think I wanted him fired just for being a bit crazy! Now I say brother don't you DARE fire him!"
Trevor said, "Well if you need counseling like I do, Claire is good and I am willing to share!"
Felix nodded.
Then suddenly what he had done finally sunk in. The Olympian god gasped and said "I've always wondered about something! Olympus's Next Door Neighbor wrote a wonderful, little story about a man who paid for medical care for someone who wasn't even of his religious beliefs when the man was injured by muggers. It is obviously a plea for socialized medicine. According to our Neighbor we should all take care of each other. I agree! But I have always wondered what the fellow should have done if he'd arrived BEFORE the mugging victim's muggers were through with him instead of after his painful beating was all over. Should he have defended him with violence as I just did Lita? Is violence ever justified? My Father, Mars would say so. But is he correct?"
Felix and Lita shook their heads. "I don't know." Felix stammered. "I don't know!"
Trevor went over and hugged Lita, holding her close. Tears were running down his face. "I'm over 3000 years old now, Boss. I've shot literally billions of people with my love-bow. But those arrows were medical injections really, not too different than the joy juice they forced on me at Sachs, just more effective and a whole lot less painful. But I've never deliberately injured anybody before! My Father always said the first time is the hardest and after that first time it gets easier! But I don't WANT it to get easier! I want to it to always be really, really hard!" Trevor quit hugging Lita and sat with his hands over his face.
Felix swallowed and put his hand on Trevor's shoulder. "Trevor for you I think it will always be hard!"