Title: Used
Author: Fox Muffin (RedDeathErik)
Pairing(s): Mulder/Krycek and Krycek/Skinner and Mulder/Skinner
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Angst, language, slash, M/M sex, rape…the usual…
Summary: A bunch of angst. 'Nuff said…
Authors Note: A challenge by my friend to listen to one song on repeat and write a fan fic using the song…the song used is My True Self by Kaito
Disclaimer: Not mine sadly; I've just abducted Krycek and Mulder for the weekend, but Krycek's neglected so I might just keep him forever and return Mulder to Chris Carter… *hugs Krycek*
Feedback: Yes, or Krycek will cry even more. You don't want that do you?
I feel so used, so fucked and dumped. You used me, fucked me, fucked with my head, my heart, my everything. Then you just dumped me, abandoned me, forgot me on the side of the road…. I can't even think straight because of you, I gave you everything! I gave you my body, my mind, my soul and my heart…I gave you everything I had, be it not much, and it may have been damaged almost beyond repair but I gave it to you! I entrusted it to you! And you said you'd love me forever…forever and ever. When we died you would still love me you said. You said-no you promised you would love me forever…and you didn't…just one day…you came out with it…I remember it so clearly…even though it was months ago…almost a year.
…
"I'm leaving you…" you say, pulling your shirt on.
I stare, open mouthed at you.
"Did you hear me?" you ask, not looking at me.
"I…I did but…"
"Good, don't expect to see me again, unless we have to work together."
"I…but…"
"Understand?" you still won't look at me.
"But you…"
"Understand?" you repeat, more forcefully.
"Yes…" I whisper, I knew this day was coming. I knew one day you would stop loving me…even though I shoved it into the corner of my mind it was still there. Like a rat gnawing on a wire, causing me to get even more obsessive. I know I smothered you…but you have to understand…I'm a very insecure person…. I've been betrayed so many times that I just don't know who to trust anymore. And I trusted you…I trusted you when I would curl up in your arms every night. I trusted that you loved me and would never leave me…I trusted all of that, and here you were, breaking that trust. Shattering it beyond repair…I will never trust you again…I mean…maybe I would…but never fully like I did. You can fix a broken mirror, but the crack will always be there.
"Are you okay?" you ask.
I look at you, shocked, "am I okay?"
"Yeah…looked a bit pale there…"
"Am I fucking okay!" I scream.
"Calm down…"
"No I will not fucking calm down! Jesus fucking Christ! What the Hell makes you think that I'm okay in any way, shape or form? Fuck! I trusted you with my heart and what did you do? Throw it on the ground and grind it into a fine powder! Fuck you too! I fucking love you, but that doesn't mean jack shit to you does it!"
You try to say something, but I'm not going to let you, "you said you fucking loved me! You said it to me over and over! You said you would never leave me! You promised to never to stop loving me!" I sob, clenching my hands in my hair, and pulling my knees to my chest. I'm cold now, all I have on are a pair of boxer shorts and now that the blanket has fallen off I'm freezing. Please get back in bed…hold me and keep me warm…because I know, even if I have the blanket over me, and it's the middle of summer, and its 101 degrees outside I'll still be cold. Because I won't be feeling your smothering warmth next to me. Because I won't have your arms wrapped tightly around me. I know that I'll just be freezing.
"Look…" you begin.
"Please don't leave me…" I interrupt.
You sigh, "This is what I was worried about…"
"That I would not want you to leave me? I fucking love you, why the Hell would I just let you leave me?"
"Because, I want to leave."
"Why!" I sob, "I'm sorry, I'm obsessive and jealous and needy and clingy but it's all because I love you and I don't want to lose you!"
"Because…I don't love you."
I've been waiting for it, but the words still hurt, "please…" I whisper, tears threatening to fall, "don't-"
"I'm not going to come back; maybe we'll see each other in work."
"But…we're supposed to hate each other."
"Well, won't that be difficult for you," you sneer, turning.
I let out a choked sob, you turn, "don't make this more difficult than it has to be."
"Please don't leave me!" I sob harder.
You sigh and pull on your jacket, a jacket I remember wearing so often, "I can't stay with you, I don't love you and I'm not going to keep lying to you and myself."
I grip tightly to the blanket, "please don't go…"
You glare at me, "stop saying that, stop sitting there and crying like a little baby."
I try to stop crying, I really do, but it's hard, all I can do is succumb and keep sobbing.
You storm over to me and grip me by my shoulders, jerking me up onto my knees, I never realize how tall and strong you are until you're above me and glaring at me, until you're angry…
"I said stop…" you hiss.
I try to stop, I really do try…but I can't. Angrily you slap me, enough to sting but not enough to actually hurt, "stop or I'll hurt you worse," you whisper.
I know better than to talk, but I still do, "I can't stop! I don't want you to leave me!" I sob.
"You want me? You want me here with you?" you shove me so that I sprawl on my back. I know what's coming next and I try to scramble away to safety, this happened so many times before. I don't know why I still try to get away, you just make me hurt worse…
You grab me, "I thought you wanted me," you hiss, "why are you running away bitch? I thought you fucking wanted me!" you yell the last part. I'm trembling and whimpering now, I want you to let me go, but you just jerk me up onto my hands and knees. I clench the blanket in my hands as you jerk my boxers down to my knees and grab me from behind. I clench my teeth, knowing you're about to shove into me. It hurts so much when you do this to me…I didn't understand why you did the first time…I still don't really understand. You shove into me, hard. Much harder than you usually do and a sob of pain escapes me. You angrily slam your fist into my ribs, "shut up bitch! You said you wanted me! So fucking take it you little whore!" I think you've broken some of my ribs, but I'm not sure. There's a white hot pain building up in me, and my vision is tinted with red. It hurts so much…I can't breathe, it hurts so badly.
I trusted you…
You finish and pull out, letting me fall, pained and exhausted on the bed. I tremble and lay there, you always like to look at me afterwards, know you've broken me even more than I already was, I guess. With a satisfied grunt you turn from me, usually I would scramble up to make you something to eat or something like that…but I just keep laying there. I can't move. I mean, I can…but I just can't bring myself to…so I just lay there, immobile. You realize something is different and turn to look at me.
"Well bitch?" you ask.
I don't respond, my tongue is dead in my mouth.
"Bitch!" you yell, rolling me onto my back and slamming your fist into my jaw. My head snaps to the side and I feel blood running down my chin, but I also have blood, my blood, running down my legs. You're about to hit me again when there is a knock on the door. Salvation.
You glare at me, "bitch," and walk to answer it.
I hear his voice, usually would rouse myself to get dressed and leave, but I can't. I slowly sit up, pull my boxers back up and limp into the kitchen. My body is on fire, I hurt so much. I hear her voice too, great they're both here. I hear you and them walking towards the kitchen, I don't attempt to leave. Hurt like this there's no way I could make it out. You and they step in.
I can feel him staring at my back, she is too. You're glaring at me.
"I was just leaving…" I rasp, turning slowly, not meeting your or her eyes, but looking into his. Briefly, just ever so briefly. And then I'm gone. Trying so hard not to limp, but limping slightly. Right before I close the door I hear her speak, I just get a snippet though…
"God what happened…face?"
I hobble to the mirror and look at the rapidly darkening bruise on the left side of my face, it's alright. I've had worse. I have worse right now, I look back down at my now blood streaked boxers. I don't want to bleed all over your bed, so I curl up on the floor. You hurt me again today, this isn't the first or second or even third time. Not even the tenth. This has happened so much that I'd be shocked if we went a week without it. I don't care that you hurt me, you're staying right?
Wrong.
You tell me to leave and never come back the next morning. I do. I leave. I go home and curl up on the couch. It's where I always am. The couch. I sleep here, eat here…screw the bedroom…I like my couch just fine.
…
I'm sitting on the exact same couch right now thinking about all of this. I'm also thinking about him…I feel so unfaithful to you…sometimes I see you, sometimes I see him too! Whenever I see you I get nervous, hopeful…but you're cold and hating towards me…its okay…I still love you. I know it pisses him off…but he has no right. We had so much together you and me, and he ruined it. It's his fault you wanted me to leave…he seduced me…it really wasn't…wasn't an option…he…
…
I'm standing at the sink in my home, washing dishes and thinking about you. I wonder when you'll be back from assignment so I can see you again. Suddenly there's a knock on my door, I walk to it and answer it. He's standing there, smiling sweetly.
"Oh…" I say, my heart sinking, I had hoped it would be you.
He raises an eyebrow, "thought we were friends now."
"Yeah we are…I just hoped-"
He cuts me off "yeah, I know," he doesn't look to happy about it either.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"Can we go into the living room and talk?" he asks.
I shrug and nod, "come in."
We go into the living room and we sit on the couch, "so what's wrong?" I ask.
"You," he replies, "you and him."
"What about us?" I ask, warily.
He leans forward, "you drive me crazy…you deserve so much better than him…" he whispers.
"No!" I say angrily, "I love him! He's everything I could ever want and more!"
"No, he's not. I was with him once, before you…he's a terrible lover…"
"Maybe to you! Maybe you've been with other men, but I haven't and I love him! He's perfect to me!"
"You haven't been with other men?" he asks.
"Never." I reply coldly.
"Well we can't have that." The next thing I know he's got me pinned down and he's tugged my shirt off, I see the pain in his eyes as he sees the bruises on my chest.
"Fuck…" he whispers, "what did he do to you?"
"It's not his fault!" I cry, and it's not! "I was being a smart ass and-"
He crushes his lips against mine, gently rubbing his hands over my body.
"Stop…nnn…stop!" I beg, trying to push him off, but I'm suddenly so weak.
"You're mouth says one thing and you're body says another," he teases, stroking my half hard cock.
"Aah…" I moan softly, "nnn…s…s-stop!" I snap out of it, pushing harder against him, "Get off!"
"Do you really want me to?" he purrs, starting to pinch and pull my nipples.
I arch up from the couch, moaning loudly.
"I don't think you do…" he grins.
"I do…I do…" I pant out, "get…aah…God that feels…no…no! Get off! I can't do this!"
"Oh yes you can," he smirks, tugging my pants off and rubbing my hard on.
"No, no, no…" I pant, "This is wrong, this is bad…"
"Be a bad boy," he purrs in my ear, "I like it when you're a bad boy…" he laps his tongue over my neck and I moan even louder.
"And I love this earring," he bites down and tugs gently on the little silver hoop in my ear. I moan again, wrapping my arms around him and clinging to him.
He begins nuzzling my neck, "oh I want to fuck you so bad…" he whispers; his breath ghosting over my bare skin and making me shiver.
I moan loudly again and pull him down to claim his lips once more. He pushes his tongue into my mouth, while pulling my boxers down to my knees. I squirm and eventually get them off, sucking softly on his tongue and tugging his shirt off. He moans happily as I rub my hands up and down the smooth muscular plains of his chest and stomach. He's much more muscular than you…I like muscle. I whine happily and begin rubbing myself against him, not caring how much of a slut he thinks I am. His body is perfect and I want to appreciate it to its fullest. After a few minutes of this he unbuckles his belt, and gets his jeans off. I am practically delirious with anticipation. After getting his pants off he begins pinching and pulling on my nipples again. I moan loudly, arching up to his touch and begging for more. He keeps teasing me for a few more minutes, and then pulls his boxers off. He is so much bigger than you are. I'm almost afraid to let him fuck me. Afraid that he's going to seriously hurt me. He must see my reluctance because he begins stroking my cock.
"It's okay," he purrs softly, "this will hurt a bit, but then it's going to feel like heaven."
I look at him with worry.
"Don't worry…" he murmurs, placing his finger on my bottom lip gently. I hungrily take it into my mouth and begin sucking. He lets me then pulls his finger from my mouth and slips it into me. I whine in pleasure a push myself down onto his finger. He smiles at me, "don't think you're ready yet."
I whine again, and he slips another finger into me, God I don't need this much prep! But then I think of how big he is and I'm grateful for it. Then he slips in another finger, okay…this is starting to hurt a little bit…and I let him know.
He stops and waits until I tell him I'm okay, and then he starts slipping his fingers in and out, making me moan softly.
"Think you're ready?" he asks.
"I…uhm…yes…" I whimper back fearfully.
He pulls his fingers from me and then nudges my legs further apart. I wrap my arms tightly around him.
"Don't worry." He repeats, "Just tell me if it hurts too much…and I'll stop."
He slowly begins pushing into me, fuck it hurts like hell. I feel like I'm being torn apart and I let out a tiny whimper. He immediately freezes, "you okay?"
"You…you're much…bigger than-"
"I know," he smirks.
I blink, "keep going."
He does so, pausing every few seconds to let me get used to it. After a few minutes he is all the way inside me.
"Just relax…loosen up, calm down…" he murmurs in my ear.
"You're not the one being fucking impaled!" I snarl, "So shut the Hell up!"
He laughs softly and kisses from my ear to my lips, pushing his tongue in my mouth and beginning to slowly thrust his hips. After a few moments it's starting to feel good, then great, then wonderful, then fucking euphoric. I'm moaning loudly and he's going faster, he pushes his tongue back into my mouth, which muffles my moans but I'm still moaning loudly. He's all I can think about. Suddenly he pants out, "fuck I'm gonna come…"
I whimper and grab myself, starting to pump; he swats my hand out of the way and continues where he made me stop. I moan loudly, so very responsive to his touch. Soon I come with a loud cry of pleasure, he thrusts once, twice, again then he finishes and collapses on top of me. I let him lay there for a moment before squirming out from underneath him. Now that it's all over I feel horrible. I've cheated on you…I love you, and I trust you and now I've betrayed you. I glance back at him, he is asleep. I've cheated on you…and God I want to do it again.
…
I remember, one time after you ended it and I had stopped seeing him all three of us were working together. I really didn't like the idea at all. But one time I had left the room and come back to find you both on the desk, him pinning you down and both of you kissing like the world was ending, like no one else mattered and I guess no one did…
…
I turned and walked from the office, from the building, and to my car. I got in and curled up in the seat. I had never felt so vulnerable. I pulled my knees to my chest and began crying softly. You and him now was it? Oh fuck this shit. I started up my car, sliding my legs down to the ground and began to pull out; suddenly you were in front of my car.
"Hey!" you yelled, "where the fuck do you think you're going?"
"Home!" I yell back, hoping the tears on my face don't show.
You come around and jerk me out of the car, shoving me roughly against the car, "listen bitch," you begin.
I see him behind you, watching. My eyes meet his, and I let him know, without words that I saw. He walks to us and pulls you away from me, "come on…" he says.
Both you and he walk inside and leave me standing there, feeling even more despondent and depressed then I usually do. I get in the car and drive home. No point in caring anymore…no point in ever thinking I'll get you back. Or him. You have each other now.
…
So now here I sit, curled up in the little space of a window. It has a ledge and I love to sit on it and gaze out the window. Especially in the winter when I can see the snow flurries trying to make their way to the ground. Some don't make it, some do. I feel especially bad for the ones who don't, maybe they were too weak, and maybe they had just given up. Maybe they had nothing to give and nothing left in the world to hang on to. Maybe they were…like me.
I pull my gun from its holster and stare at it, "hello old friend." I whisper softly.
It glints in the pale moonlight filtering in.
"I love you still…and I love him still. I love you, even though you abused me and raped me and betrayed me, I still love you. And even though he seduced me and used me I still love him. I still love him. And I am damned to be alone for all eternity. So be it, this is your last job my old friend," I press my gun to my temple. I never did anything for anybody; if I could gain nothing then it didn't matter to me. And I can gain so much by doing this. My heart is so tired from crying, I hate myself so, so much…and I love you, and I love him. Goodbye, I know you won't miss me. With a soft sigh I gently pull the trigger, no Russian roulette here. BANG.
THE END