All as they are

Genre: Completely Melodramatic Romantic Angst. Carter POV. Or a really long drabbling song fic without a song if you like.
Spoilers: through Heroes part duex. Lots of spoilers up to that.
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, fragment sentences or White Flag by Dido.. yes that wonderful song all those S/J shippers adore so. Very catchy.
Thanks to Mira for making me listen to the great song that inspired this and the beating.. errr betaing. See I can tooottallly write S/J fic!

The light awoke her as she sank deeper into the bed. It was odd, she thought, to not be so alone. He slept soundly, unaware of her eyes on his face trailing slowly down to his fingertips that were resting on hers. Daylight suited him, he was in place with the golden beams that highlighted his hair and rested carefully on his shoulders. It was surreal to think of what she had done. The light danced on a strand of runaway hair that was slowly moving up and down with his every breath. His hair didn't like to stay in place, but she didn't mind. It was an excuse to soothe it. To soothe her. An excuse to touch. She placed it back onto the others, which were still not cooperating with gravity and sighed. A soft sigh. A sweet one, not one to wake him or one to repress any emotion. It was angelic even. To be able to feel this relaxed, to be able to wake to this scene. To wake up to this daylight and not feel abandoned by the cosmos. Idly she wondered if she deserved it. The bed shifted as he turned ever so slightly towards her. His fingertips brushing her collarbone, sending shivers all the way down her spine. Eyelashes fluttered open and the surreal became the undeniable.

"Hey."

She couldn't help but return the smile and join him in the sunlit bliss. Lips brushed and fingertips slowly memorized her face. A small breeze blew in through the window, reminding her of the hour as she fell contentedly back into his arms.

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Sounds of footsteps awoke the reverie. The soles scraped the hard concrete as they closed the gap in their distance. She knew who it was. Knew the sound, the scent, the moment without an absolution that was to come. The price of her newfound peace and the cause of her newfound fear. The contradiction that she had created, pursued and embraced. The stillness as he stopped softened the apprehension and brought with it a cool chill of the still unknown and ignored. It lingered and she reveled in it. He would be the first to speak and break the moment. Reminding her of the briefing, of the mission, of the usefulness of short speeches regarding new technologies. Reminding her of what they were neglecting. What she was neglecting. So she stood with her back to him, waiting for him.

"Hey."

And there it was. She stood, still facing her latest gadget and sighed. What was it Daniel had said? That the fate of an entire civilization often rested in the hands of two or three people? He had spouted several references. Helen and Paris. Lancelot and Guinivere. They were mostly myth, he had said, but the moral of the stories was undeniable. Each act of weakness caused the downfall of their people. Each betraying their duties to follow that which they desired more than anything.

"Carter?"

She didn't face him and was more annoyed than amused that he had interrupted her ponderings. The device beeped as she fidgeted with the control crystal, she brushed the speck of dirt off of the crystal and began tweaking with the wiring again.

"Yes, sir."

He was fidgeting. She could tell. Shifting to his left foot, right, left. Leaning back on both. His hands sank deeply into his pockets. Awkwardness reigned. Silence was along for the ride. The shifting continued until brilliance struck and a witty remark was chosen from his usual repertory.

"Good thing that that temporary tropic failure thing doesn't work on metal."

She grinned and nodded. Temporal entropic cascade failure, but close enough. The device the SGD had come-up with was a brilliant combination of Tok'ra intelligence with some Asgard finesse. It was impressive and embarrassing. Impressive that it had been built by an alternate version of herself and embarrassing that she had not thought of it… herself. She marveled at the idea of yet another universe where she was in the Stargate program. It seemed she was doomed.

"So.."

He slowly rounded the table to stand next to her and turned to face her and the device. He looked down at it, eyebrows knit and shrugged.

"What does it do?"

The distraction of his movement made her forget the wiring, until the beeping resumed and she tended to it again. Carefully setting the crystal and the wiring down in a safe, and out of his reach, place she shrugged.

"It appears to be a device to boost the power to a stargate."

His eyes crinkled up as he studied the device.

"It's a high tech battery?"

The remark was too amusing to try and ignore and she broke out into a full grin.

"Well, in a matter of speaking, sir. Yes. But it's more like a battery that can run an entire stargate much like a DHD, only with a power source and control crystal so advanced that it should be able to run the stargate all the way out to the Asgard home world."

The silver object with it's tangled wires and slightly dirty crystals suddenly held much more respect in O'Neill's eyes. He stared at it again before pointing at it incredulously.

"Carter, that thing's smaller than my toaster."

"Yes, sir."

"And it can dial area codes?"

"Yes, sir."

He shook his head in disbelief before returning his hands to his pockets and sighing in defeat.

"So that version of us was smarter than us?"

"It appears so, sir."

It was a deafening thing. That version of them was dead. Their culture was dead. They had visited other universes for allies, knew better aliens than them. Heck, they were friends with the Furlings. Had an alliance with the Ascended. They had it going. And they were gone. Their personal logs, photos and technology was all that was left of them on their planet. Daniel had tried to rationalize it to the best of his ability, but it all seemed to come down to one thing. One difference. One seemingly insignificant fact. One Trojan horse. Two people making one decision that tore down their entire world.

"They looked happy."

It came across as a flat statement. Something thrown out to stifle the growing silence. But it was true. Photos, mission reports and their own personal logs were convincing. They'd been court-martialed and nearly convicted. He'd retired and been brought back as liaison for their allies, she'd been brought back as a civilian consultant. They'd moved in together and were debating marriage. They'd smiled a lot. They didn't survive the first wave of attacks.

She nodded and looked back at the device. Hoping for some form of distraction from their latest mission. Or rather mission within a mission. This was the reason the first mirror was destroyed, she supposed. Now the second one on P3X-894 was too and this little silver orb was the last remaining bit of that Sam Carter on this earth. She cleaned another crystal and slightly turned her face to him. He was shifting again, about the change the conversation.

"How's Pete? He back in town?"

Her eyes finally crept up to meet his. His face was blank, not accusing, half enveloped in the shadows her dark lab created. She hadn't realized how he'd aged so much in the past months. It was mostly her fault. Stuck on the Prometheus, nearly killed at the old Alpha site. She wasn't being much help in the stress department. And then there was Janet.. She bit her lip at the thought, repressing all the anger and overwhelming grief. It had been months now, but the wound would never heal. Still despite the newly formed lines and the mutiny his gray hair had won over, he was still him. Still has handsome as ever and still out of reach and off limits. For more reasons now than ever before.

"Yes, he is. He's fine."

He nodded, muttering a good and seemed to retreat into his own mind for a moment. Taking in the break in conversation, she returned to her crystal cleaning. His eyes wandered across the room, until they rested on her newest scar. It had been a small, but deep knife wound that some primitive natives had given her as a gift for being born to the fairer sex. He had been speaking to the chief when it had happening along with the rest of the men of sg-1. He had left her vulnerable. He absently swept his fingertips across the bumpy skin. In awe of its recovery and in reverence to his stupidity. He had put that mark on her.

It was a feather light touch that froze her solid as his fingers traced a small line on her collarbone. It was almost as if he knew and was tormenting her, however it was probably his guilt that prompted the action and not.. She gazed up at him again and offered him his needed forgiveness for his sin. She had thought she was tough enough too. They both did, but the temptation was pressing. Fingers wandered from the scar to her jawbone and from her jawbone to her cheek. There they rested as his hand leaning in to lie against her face. Breath mingled and it seemed for an instant that the line would be crossed.

The hand fell lightly connected by an invisible thread to his eyes, but the moment still hung. Lips brushed, hands clasped and then life returned as it once was. Eyelashes fluttered open and reality could not be denied. This was not a ship they could take down on their own. Softy mumbled half hearted apologies were shared, awkwardness attempted to return and the tiny orb beeped in need of attention. His hand that had remained throughout the apologies finally returned from her arm to hang limply at his side. Without him it was cold, she decided as she turned back to the device.

"I'll see you at the briefing."

She nodded, not looking up as he took his leave. They were happy. They must have been. She dropped her tool and looked down at the jumbled mess. Contractions became annoyances and her mind raced at the thought of what had just happened. Despite it all, it was a probable fact that they were the catalyst. Eighty percent of the conquered worlds featured them in the spotlight as the doomed couple. Still the twenty percent were for unknown or various reasons. It didn't add up and she sighed at her feeble attempt to turn a relationship into a mathematical equation. The weight of the world caught up with her and she slumped with its heaviness. In the end, she knew the fear would take over for the both of them. What they did with it was the question. Fate had placed them there, despite all attempts their feelings were never going to change, even though it was tempered with the mass of knowing the entire world could depend on them. That the all could simply be an equation how of they are.