Take a deep breath. Everything will be okay.
No, it won't be.
I never could imagine that anything like this could happen to me. I was so sure we were happy, but then again I guess that was only in the beginning. I remember the way it used to be before all this shit. Looking back through my memories forces me to put a smile on my face, but just for that one quick second. Then in a flash those memories bring back pain, suffering, tears. No matter how hard I may try, they just keep pouring down.
The way we met, it seemed like pure fate. I knew you thought so too. The way you used to look at me sent chills down my spine. I loved it. You made me feel all these different emotions at once - I felt nervous, shy, beautiful, and so much more. I felt like I was someone special, someone who could finally find some sort of love. Every time I picture your face, I can't help but smile. Sometimes I really hate that. But right now, that's not the point.
Remember the way that we used to be so awkward with each other? So shy and timid? Hands sweating, heart beat racing faster and faster, feet shifting and shuffling, cheeks turning different shades of pink and red. We must have really liked each other back then. But what happened?
Remember: deep breaths. You can do it.
No, I can't.
The kiss. That first kiss we shared. Now that was magical. Pure bliss. I remember exactly how it went. It was raining hard. There was thunder and lightning. I was terrified and you were there to comfort me. You held me tight around my waist and held me under that dark and gloomy sky. Being in your arms made me feel secure and comfortable. Your scent was so soothing to me. Your words of endearment alone made me forget my fears. I appreciated that moment. I was grateful for having you there for me. But don't think I will ever forget that kiss; my first real kiss. I was overwhelmed. Our lips touched, so soft and supple. Just thinking of it, my lips clamber for more, not forgetting that kiss either. Not too wet, sweet, yet full of strong affection. I know that kiss was somewhat quick, but that was all that I needed. I was starting to fall in love. We both felt uplifted, and at the same time, numb.
Don't forget that you were the first to say those three little words, whose meaning combined have powerful effects on people: 'I love you.' I was speechless; didn't know what to think or what to say. Although I didn't feel that way about you at the time when you first spoke those words, I came around. I really did love you, and 'til this day, I still do. But I won't admit that to you now.
Didn't we have such fun? Being playful with each other and tickling one another all the time? I know we did. It was sickeningly cute and sweet. I miss those times. I loved to just sit on your couch in the living room with you. It felt so right to just lay there in your arms watching TV and eating chimichangas. Hearing your dorky laugh made me laugh every time. I miss holding hands, and I remember the day you stopped to grab it.
One more. Come on, inhale.
Day by day we grew more serious, stronger in our relationship, and then we started to grow apart. But before then we were always there for one another. I used to call you, just as you would call me late at night whenever we couldn't fall asleep or we had troubles and needed to talk to someone who cared. We spoke encouraging words of comfort and affection. We helped each other so much. We were a cliché: two halves of a whole. Without realizing it, we molded our personalities, perceptions, and lives…together. I remember those conversations that lasted until 2AM. We talked about nothing, and yet about just everything at the same time.
Where did our love go?
Now it's so hard for me to let go of what used to be us, and yet I'm still trying to hold on to what remains. All the fighting, the shouting, and the suffering - we both just couldn't endure it any longer. But oh, how we tried so hard to keep our relationship under control. We lost it because we became cruel and said harsh things we didn't really mean. I never will forget all that you've said to me.
Can't breathe…
When did all the bickering start? Was it when you moved away? I felt so lonely and lost in despair. I missed you so much, and I think I tried so hard to make certain that you would stay with me. Day by day I got weaker as I lay in bed and cried to myself every single damn night. I always asked myself 'why?' and up until this day I still don't know the answer I've been searching for.
And now, I still can't believe all that we've been through. I have so much to say to you that I just cannot put into words.
I miss you & I'm scared.
Just breathe…
I still love you.