Marital Problems.
Okay, this is my first Twilight Fanfiction, and it's about a massive flaw in the story.
Bella took a deep breath and stepped out onto the sand through the glass door, nervous. It was her and Edwards wedding night and she was finally about to get some action. About time.
Edward was reclining on the sand by the water, every inch of him sexy and glowing in the moonlight.
"Hey," he said, his eyes glinting in the moonlight.
Bella had a towel wrapped around her and she let it drop to the sand.
"Want to go for a swim?" asked Edward.
"Well, you know, now that were married, I think you know what I had in mind," said Bella.
Edward sighed. "Bella, you know how strong I am, I could hurt you."
Bella looked hurt. "Edward, we're married! We can be careful, we can make it work!"
Edward fidgeted. "Um, I haven't been entirely honest with you."
"W-what do you mean?"
"We can't have sex."
"Edward-"
"I'm serious," said Edward. "We can't, because…well, I can't it up."
Bella raised her eyebrows. "But you're my big strong vampire man."
Edward's shoulders slumped. "I know, but, it doesn't work anymore. I mean it used to work great, whacked off all the time when I was alive, but, um, well, vampires don't have blood."
"I don't understand…"
"Ah, my poor stupid Bella."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, um, blood circulates through the body, and when a guy get's aroused, blood rushes to his wang, and it that makes it hard, but vampires don't have blood circulating through us, so, yeeaaah. I got nothing but a limp turnip."
Bella just gaped at him. "But, I was looking forward to this."
"I'm sorry sweetie, I should have told you earlier. Sadly, my sausage is useless."
He patted his junk and a cloud of dust fell from it.
"It's been a looong time."
Bella burst into tears. "I wanted to bear your child! I wanted to have a little half vampire baby that would result in a most horrible birth and my nearly dying. And what about all the old tales of vampires mating with women!"
"Just stories," said Edward. "That's all."
Bella looked ready to explode.
A few days later, Jacob got a call.
"Um, hi, Jacob, it's me Bella, listen, Edward and I got divorced. Irreconcilable differences. So, uh, want to go on a date?"