'Close your eyes'.
I lay back on the leather sofa, still all too conscious of my surroundings. Dr Atakijih's office was neat, even spacious. It didn't have that cold, all too clinical feeling I'd encountered with my last psychiatrist. And the fact was I needed to get over this. I needed to address my fear of sleeping away from home. I was about to join the Navy for heaven's sake. I couldn't still be crippled by panic attacks every time I was forced to stay away from home, alone.
The fear had always been there, ever since I was little. Every time I found myself in unfamiliar surroundings, alone in the dark – in a bed that wasn't mine the nightmare would begin. The first time was in summer camp, when I was six years old. I could hear the others sleeping peacefully in their own beds. Some were snoring – one of them must have had a cold because he would cough every so often. The point is, even though I knew I wasn't strictly alone per se, I still felt…abandoned. Next thing I knew, I couldn't breathe – I was lying down and still I was dizzy. I started to cough and gasp for air, but I couldn't breathe. The room spun – I must have screamed because a counsellor came in and was frantically trying to calm me down. She thought I had asthma at first, what with the way I was wheezing and coughing, but then she realised it was just an anxiety attack.
And ever since, it's been the same way every time I've had to sleep away from home. In the end I gave up. I went to college in my home town so I could live at home. Actually I'm twenty-three now, and still living at home. So I decided enough was enough.
You see, thing is – even with my night terrors, so to speak – I've always dreamed of joining the navy. I've never really understood what draws me to it. I guess something about rallying together and defending my country appeals. I guess it's a rather noble if not brave ambition for someone like myself, but that's why I decided on finally seeing a therapist. If I truly wanted to follow my dream, I had to face the nightmare first.
That's why I was in Dr Atakijih's office that day. I'd already been seeing another therapist for about six months of behavioural therapy, but with no success. Then one day a friend of mine said how he saw a hypno-therapist to help rid him of his smoking habit, and that three months later he was still smoke free. I figured why not give it a go? I'd tried everything else.
"Just relax" said Dr Atakijih, in a very soothing voice. He wasn't what I'd have described as a particularly gentle person, but there was something about him that I inherently trusted. Even when faced with his towering stature over mine when he'd answered the door, I still felt safe. Something about him - and this place - felt…safe.
"Now," he continued. "Feel all the tension draining from your body. Feel yourself sinking, deeper…and deeper…into a place of total relaxation….your are safe…and you are deeply…deeply…relaxed…"
I don't remember at what point I left my body. I only know I woke up…in another.
I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the floor, in some kind of sleeping bag. The ceiling was familiar, yet not. When I looked down at my clothes, I was intrigued – but not surprised – by the fact that I was draped in a white cotton dressing gown. Not a dressing gown, really – but that's the only way I could describe it. It wrapped around me, and fell to my feet like a dress. The sleeves fell rather long on my relatively small arms.
Arms that were again, familiar – yet arms that were not mine. They were a different colour. So was my hair, and it fell much longer than my own. And it was so dark it appeared somewhat purple in the morning sun. I ran my fingers through it, curiously. I rose, seeing a water bowl on the edge of the sparse, wooded room. There was no furniture in her, only the sleeping bag and the water bowel. I peered into the liquid reflection and was somewhat shocked to see the face that stared back at me. It was not my own, and yet it was. All the while, I had the nagging feeling of déjà vu – every moment was etched with a familiarity that pulled at the edges of my mind, begging me to remember. But I couldn't. I couldn't remember. Not yet…
The sliding door behind me made a noise. I turned around to find a tall man walking towards me. He had a stern but handsome face, his hair was black and tied back, but I could see it fell all the way down to his waist. He was powerful looking, almost fierce – yet there was a surprising gentleness in his eyes. I could hear a tenderness in his voice when he spoke to me.
"Souji?" he said. "How are you feeling today?"
Souji? Who was Souji? I tried to answer him, but my voice wouldn't obey. Now that I thought about it, my throat felt raw – painful even. I couldn't seem to muster words.
Then I coughed. The man ran toward me and helped me to the floor. He supported my back while I wretched, struggling to breathe. He held a cloth to my mouth, and when he pulled it away, it was stained red with blood. I felt dizzy and weak, and would surely have collapsed were it not for the man that held me.
He rubbed his hand in circular motions on by back, making soothing noises as I gasped for air. Apparently he was used to me in such a condition, for he did not seem surprised or panicked. He seemed…sad.
Finally, the coughing stopped. Still, my throat was too raw to speak. The man seemed to understand this. "Don't speak," he said to me, quietly. "Save your strength."
I could only nod. The man began to speak again, slowly – as though it hurt him to say the words.
"You…you mustn't stay here any longer, Souji. You need to go to a hospital. A special hospital, where they can…take care of you. I…I wish you could stay, but it isn't safe. Not for you – or the others. I…I hope you understand."
He framed my face hand and turned it towards him. His eyes were tired, and full of sadness. "I hope you understand…how much I wish things could be different. If I could, I would stay with you always. But I must finish what we have started. I must go on and lead our men…or it was all for nothing. All we are to each other…will have been for nothing."
He released my face and turned away, and as strange as it sounds, I swear I could almost hear his heart breaking. He continued to speak, his voice growing a little more desperate now.
"I would gladly commit seppuku to keep this…this cruel fate from you. I would do it this instant if it kept you from this pain. I'm sorry Souji. I'm so sorry. I tried to make you better. If only we'd had more time…"
He stood up now, and stared down at me, as I sat – confused on the floor.
"In all my life," he whispered. "I have only ever loved once."
Without another word, he lifted me in his arms and held me until I fell asleep.
The next thing I knew, I was somewhere dark, somewhere unfamiliar – yet familiar. But this time there was not the vague sense of belonging as there had been in the sparse wooden room with the man who held me. This time, there was only fear. The air smelled of blood and death. I could hear the sounds of coughing, and somewhere a little further away, someone was crying. I tried to sit up, but I was too weak. I barely had the energy to turn my head when I began to cough. Blood trickled from my mouth, my lungs were tight and heavy – my throat rawer than before.
I realised that here, in this place of death, even while surrounded by others who shared my fate – I was alone. And I felt my heart break, when I realised that the man – the man who had held me, I would never see again. Why this mattered, I didn't know. But I could feel my very soul crying out for him.
I felt my body giving way to death. I felt helpless, terrified. But more than anything, I felt useless. I didn't know why, but I was sure that simply by being here I had let that man down. He had needed me, I was sure of it. The others he had spoken of, I was certain they'd needed me too. And I'd let them all down.
I'd let him down.
What life was left in me was fading fast. The pain gripped my body, as I struggled desperately – and to no avail - to breathe. My chest throbbed as though a demon were inside it, bursting to get out. This was death, I was sure of it. These were my last moments. Spent not in the arms of the man I longed for, but in the company of suffering and darkness, surrounded by strangers and blood.
It was happening. My heart was taking its very last beat. And as it did, the man's face flashed in my mind, and a single word died upon my lips…
Hijikata
"Awaken now."
I opened my eyes and found myself – my real self – lying on the couch in Dr Atakijih's office. Another familiar ceiling.
"How are you feeling?"
I turned my head to find Dr Atakijih peering over at me somewhat nervously.
"I…I'm ok." I finally said. "What happened."
The doctor shook his head. "You drifted to a time and place I didn't anticipate. I think you drifted…"
I sat up, still a little groggy. "Drifted where?" I urged him.
He sighed. "It may sound…strange. But I think you drifted into the memory of a past life."
"I see."
A moment of silence passed between us, as neither of us knew quite what to say.
"You're sure you're ok?" he asked again.
I found myself smiling. "Yes," I laughed. "I really am."
As I left his office, amidst the distinct feeling that a great weight had been lifted from my heart, I was still smiling. I did not know it yet, but from that point on I would never again fear the darkness.
"Wait" came the doctor's voice, just as I'd reached he elevator.
"What is it?" I asked.
He came running towards me, holding out a handful of candy. "All my patients get candy!" he said, with a twinkle in his eye.
I laughed and took the offered candy, exclaiming loudly with delight. "Oh! My favourites, how did you know?" I asked, as surprised as I was pleased.
But the man didn't answer.
He only smiled.