A/N: I'm currently trying to finish up a bunch of unfinished one shots, that have been saved to my computer for...well...ever. This one, was started AGES ago. And only today did I finish it, and edit it and what not. So here it is. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: One Tree Hill...well I can't kill off Brooke in this disclaimer, because she's in the story...but still. The point is, One Tree Hill belongs to some other lucky duck. NOT ME. :)
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry
Everyone sees me as some cheery, bubbly, happy person. And I hate it. I hate that I always feel like I'm hiding myself from everyone else. I guess that's why Peyton and I are such good friends, because on the inside, we're exactly the same. Sometimes I think, that Peyton is happier than I am. And who could blame her? Sure she's had her share of sorrow and grief, what with both her moms dying, almost losing her dad, her cocaine use, the whole Jake and Jenny ordeal, and obviously the infamous Brooke, Lucas, Peyton love triangle.
If I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
But she always seems to win in the end. Her dad didn't die, and he still cares about her. I could jump off a skyscraper and mine wouldn't even notice. She tried cocaine, but she had people there, that cared enough to stop her. If I were to do drugs, I would just fall and fall, until there was nothing left of me to save. Jake got to keep Jenny, and even though Jake and Peyton didn't work out, it was only because she was still in love with Lucas, and in the end, she won him too.
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows, no
I'm sick of crying over lost time, lost loves, being lost in general. I lost my parents when they moved away to California and I made the choice to stay behind so I wouldn't lose everything else. I lost my first love to my best friend, because I couldn't hold on tight enough for the myself and him. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've got Chase, but he's thousands of miles away right now. The only comfort I have out here in California is Peyton, and all she talks about these days is how much she misses Lucas, which doesn't make her much help.
Nobody likes
Nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life
Made a choice
I just put up these walls around me, and won't let anyone in. Kind of like Peyton always used to. Said she was only protecting herself, but I realize now she lied to me. She put up those walls to protect everyone else from becoming a wreck like she was. But I broke down those walls, I was there to comfort her, and look how that turned out for me. I ended up just like she was in high school. Alone, hurting and afraid.
But I think nobody knows
No, no
Nobody knows
No
Afraid to let anyone back in. I've screwed up one thing after the other this year, and nothing seemed to be going right. I let Lucas back in, only to have my heart broken for the second time. I spent my birthday alone because I shut everyone else out. I stole a calculus test because I was too dumb to just study hard like a normal person. A sex tape from my past came back to haunt me and ruined the only relationships I had left. I lost Chase because everything around me was crashing down. My senior year was filled with secrets and lies, and I don't blame Chase for leaving. It wasn't fair to him.
Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
I don't know why I did all these things. It was like someone else was inhabiting my body, and I wasn't so sure I liked it, but I couldn't stop it. I could no longer control what I was doing. Everything from, my love life to school, hit me all at once, and I was suffocated. I was looking for an easy way out. But there wasn't one. It was just dead ends every way I turned. Nothing was going my way, and it was basically me against the world.
And baby, don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's going to be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
But I finally got Chase back, I was trying to fix things, and believe you me, it wasn't easy. But my life was beginning to look like it might work out. I got a chance to come home, live with my parents for a while. And I took it. Peyton was coming out to California for an internship, and I just needed some time away, some time to figure things out. To breathe. But the only thing I've figured out, is that life sucks.
I think nobody knows, no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares
I know that sounds childish, but whatever. It does. It just sucks. At least mine does. I'm all alone out here. Peyton's in her own little world, and my parents couldn't care less about me. So I sit here alone, wishing I was back in Chase's arms. But I'm not. It's hard not being there with him, because he's the only one that cares anymore. But he doesn't really know me. He sees me just like everyone else does, because I don't let anyone in. Not even him.
It's win or lose not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
I want to let him in, but I don't want to get hurt again. I can't get hurt again. Because I might not find my way back this time. I might lose myself completely, not to mention everyone that I care about, even if they don't care about me. My heart is broken enough as it is, and hearts like mine don't fix themselves magically. I never knew what it was like to be loved, my parents never loved me. The guys I was with, all they saw was a girl with a hot body, and a pretty face. My heart just wasn't used to being so...fragile.
But I think nobody knows
No, no
Nobody knows no, no, no, no
But when Lucas came along, I found myself feeling something different, something I'd never felt before. I was in love with him, and that was weird for me. But he was always in love with Peyton, and that'll never change. So I found Chase and he's everything I never thought I'd want. A 'Clean Teen', loved to skateboard. But even though he was different, he was exactly like me. Because he too had his heart broken when his girlfriend cheated.
Baby
Oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And I understand what that's like. After all, it happened to me twice. Same guy, same girl. But unlike Chase, I never really moved on. I took him back, I forgave them. I let myself be stuck there, waiting for things to change. But I knew they never would. I always knew it in my heart that they loved each other more than they loved me, but I refused to admit it. Kind of like I refused to admit that I was a lot like a certain best friend of mine. I had spent so much time hiding behind that cheery, happy face that I'd forgotten about how I really was underneath it all.
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's going to be there after the last angel has flown
And I've lost my way back home
I don't know what I'd do if I lost Chase again. Because he's all I've got left. The only thing keeping me here. And it's thinking of this that helps me make my decision. When I get home, I'm going to let him in, going to show him the real me. Because he deserves to know. I can't hide myself forever. Even if he ends up breaking my heart, I know I have to do it. I love him, and he doesn't love me, no matter who I am, then he's not the guy I thought he was.
And oh no, no, no, no
Nobody knows
And he sure isn't a guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. So I'm going to tell him, I'm going to risk it all, knowing that this is win or lose for me. And I don't know how much more losing one broken heart can take. But I'm not going to lose this time. Win or lose, I've learned my lesson. I'm moving on and loving whoever I want, even if they don't love me back because there's no point in holding back. The only person I'm hurting is myself, and I'm done with that. I'm done with being alone.
Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No, no, no
I don't want to wait anymore. I'm sick of sitting here all day, with nothing to do and no one talk to. Tomorrow, I'm going home and I'm going to change my life, change everything. I'm going to be a brand new person. I'm going home to Chase, because he loves me and I love him, and we're going to be happy together, and no friend of mine is standing in the way this time. I'm doing it my way, and no one's about to stop me.
I'm not going to hide, not from Chase, not from anybody. I open my laptop, and buy the ticket on that plane. Because I know here isn't where I'm supposed to be. Tree Hill is my home, and nothing's going to change that. So I'm going back home, and I'm going to stop being so closed off. I'm going to let people in. I'm going to really forgive Peyton and Lucas, because I think in a way I'm still holding on to that. I'm clinging to the past, but when I wake up tomorrow, the past is gone. The only thing that matters is the present. Right now. I'm going to take things one day at a time.
I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me
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