Prompt: (From LiveJournal "Writer's Block" questions.) "Jam a bunch of people together in a tight space like a bus or the subway and something crazy is bound to happen. What's the most memorable thing you've seen on mass transit?"

A/N: I should point out now that all these tidbits are highly unlikely and/or completely and utterly ridiculous.

"Do you ever suppose, Watson, that Dante got it wrong?"

"I beg your pardon, Holmes?"

"It's just that I can't help but feel that Hell has only one circle, and this is it."

I often try to look on the bright side of any circumstance I find myself in, but at the moment I confess I was inclined to agree with him. We were, shall we say, less than comfortable.

We were, the pair of us, squeezed into a seemingly abnormally small train compartment with Inspectors Lestrade and Gregson, neither of whom would allow us to leave them behind, in addition to two police constables, who Gregson had insisted accompany us in our attempt to apprehend a vicious murderer, and our somewhat distressed client, Mr. McCleese, who was similarly disinclined to remain behind, though so far he had proved to be of very little help in any situation ranging from fistfights to pouring tea. Gregson and McCleese were arguing, the two constables, who did not have the best of friendships, were trying to sit as far from each other as possible, and Lestrade had not stopped coughing for twenty minutes straight. He'd caught a frightful cold the other night and I'd advised him to remain in bed for the day, but word of our criminal's probable escape by train had reached him, and he was not the least bit inclined to allow Gregson to steal all the glory. Consequently, the rest of us were leaning every which way in an intricate dance to find uninfected air to breathe.

"Think of the case, Holmes," I muttered, in an effort to cheer him up. "This will all be over soon enough, thanks to your sound bit of deduction--I never would have dreamed of checking the chimney, myself."

"Well, of course you wouldn't have, Watson. No fault of yours, my dear fellow; you merely lack the proper training in these matters. Having trained myself, I found it to be quite a simple matter."

I did my best to hide my annoyance. Holmes' habit of making even the most truly difficult cases seem commonplace to him and him alone could be extremely trying. Upon glancing back at him, however, I could tell that I had pleased him by the barest hint of a smile flitting across his face. I settled back, assured that I had managed to lift his spirits at least a little. Hopefully it would make the journey more pleasant for all of us.

I would be the first to confess that I too was more than ready to be off the train.

Our objective was to apprehend the man who murdered McCleese's father-in-law. Holmes had reason to believe that he would be boarding this very train. When we reached a certain statioin we would leave the compartment and begin walking up and down the train, remaining on the lookout for the killer. The problem was that we had no way of knowing when the man would leave the train, and it was possible that he would board from several different stations. Consequently, we had decided that our best bet was to apprehend him on the train itself.

Suddnely my friend stiffened beside me, seizing my wrist. I turned to him in surprise and he pointed, wordlessly. Outside the compartment, holding a newspaper close to his face, our criminal was walking past.

"I thought the first possible station he could board from was next," I whispered, careful to keep McCleese from hearing.

"Apparently I was misinformed, Watson," Holmes whispered back. "But if we move quickly--"

He was cut short, however, when McCleese caught sight of the killer.

There are several courses of action one may take when one spots a dangerous criminal who you are attempting to apprehend. Jumping up and shouting, in an extremely high-pitched voice, "There he is!" is most certainly, according to Holmes, the very worst.

The criminal dropped his paper and bolted. Lestrade and Gregson were on their feet in seconds, and both charged for the door of the compartment, only to become wedged in as each tried to exit before the other. Holmes said a word I shall not reproduce and, apparently discarding all hopes of extracting the policemen, simply clambered over them and took off down the train after our killer. After disentangling Lestrade and Gregson I raced after Holmes, the four policemen close at my heels.

I found Holmes sitting with his knee in the killer's back, struggling to keep him on the ground. Lestrade hurried up with handcuffs at the ready. "Well done, Mr. Holmes," he exclaimed, pulling the prisoner to his feet. "Though I notice he got on a bit earlier than you said he would. None of us is perfect though. And here comes Mr. McCleese himself. Yes, sir, we have the fellow." He broke off, dissolving into another fit of coughing.

McCleese swelled like a balloon and marched up to the killer, shaking his finger at him. "And that'll teach you, sir! You thought you could get away with stealing from me, did you? Oh no! As you see, my jewels are safe, and this is what you get for going after them!"

"Do not forget, sir, that this man also murdered your father-in-law," I could not help but point out sternly.

McCleese barely glanced in my direction. "And that too, I suppose."

I rolled my eyes and turned to Holmes. "All's well that ends well, anyhow, old fellow," I said, clapping him on the shoulder. "Another case solved."

Holmes' expression of annoyance as he looked at the two detectives subsided as he turned to me, nodding. "I suppose it was a satisfactory conclusion. However, this is the last time I try to combine the capture of a criminal and public transportation."

"Are you absolutely certain, Holmes? I thought you handled that quite well. Perhpas you should make it a habit to conclude all cases on trains."

"Very funny, Watson."

"Sorry, Holmes." I hid my grin as we headed back down the train.

A/N: If you don't know what one of those old train compartments looks like, see if you can find a picture. It adds to the scene of the Inspectors becoming entangled :)