Zoe jumped up from her bed, panting. She had the dream again: the dream where the worst moment of her life, her husband's death, played over and over again. Zoe always tried to run to Wash's rescue, but never seemed to make it in time, and Wash died over and over again in her head.
It had been about three months since then. Zoe looked over to the empty half of her bed, wishing that her late husband was alive and well to occupy it. Instead, there was only clothes that Zoe had folded there, Wash's clothes. She still didn't know what to do with them. She wanted to keep them to remember him, but keeping them would just remind her of his death as well. There was no way to win.
Zoe slowly go out of bed and went to the kitchen for the bottle of liquor she kept hidden in the vent near the fridge. As she exited the kitchen she heard giggling in the next room over. She peeked around the corner and saw Kaylee and Simon kissing on the couch. Zoe turned away quickly and walked towards the docking bay, not wanting to watch, not wanting to see the two shipmates in love, not wanting to be reminded of what she lost.
As Serenity's first mate walked down the stairs to sit in open area of the ship, Zoe heard someone talking on the other side of the room. She looked over and saw Mal and Inara talking quietly, having a nice conversation by the looks of it. Inara had decided to stay onboard after all of the events of a few months ago, and things between her and the captain had gotten very friendly. They were nowhere near admitting to each other anything major just yet, but they didn't argue as much, which was a start. Zoe silently got up from where she was sitting, deciding to go to the main deck. She had to find some place where she could be alone, away from all of these people who reminded her of love, of something she didn't have anymore.
Zoe climbed the stairs to the deck and looked around. The coast was clear. Not that there were any other "couples" on the ship, but Zoe wanted to be alone; to get drunk and forget everything. She slowly walked into the room, and looked down at the chair in front of her: the chair Wash had died in. She had watched as he smiled at her in victory and was then pierced through with a giant stake, the life leaving him as quickly as his smile had appeared.
Tears began to fall as the memories all came rushing into Zoe's mind. She slumped into the chair as she wiped the tears away, only to have them replaced by new ones. Zoe took the cap off of the bottle that she had carried with her this whole time, and took a big gulp out of it, the liquid burning her throat. Zoe suddenly became aware of a presence in the room. She looked across the room and saw River staring at her from the co-pilot's chair.
"That doesn't take memories away," she said quietly, pointing at the bottle in Zoe's hand, "There's not much anything that can take away memories...no matter how much we all wish, but some memories are good to have."
And as quickly as River had appeared, she got up and walked out of the room quickly, probably to go interrupt Simon and Kaylee. Zoe looked at the bottle and put it down on the floor. That was the most logical thing she had ever heard from River. Zoe pinched hersle fto make sure she was awake. Maybe she had had too much to drink already...it was a very big gulp she had taken. But still, there was logic to what River had said.
Zoe sat up and looked at the toy dinosaurs that Wash had kept on deck to play with. She smiled as she held one and turned it around in her hand. She imagined him playing with them as he waited for her and Mal to get back from a mission. As she put the toy back down, other memories flashed into her head. Zoe remembered all of the great things she had enjoyed with Wash. All of the jokes he told, all of the remarks he would make, and all of the times they shared.
Zoe smiled crookedly as she remembered all the things that made her love her husband, all the things she missed about him. Suddenly, she felt a kind of peace settle over her, and she felt as if Wash was there with her, holding her. She closed her eyes, and pictured what she felt. Tears fell from her eyes again, but this time, they weren't tears of sadness.
"I'll love you forever, Hoban Washburn," Zoe whispered to her memory.
After Zoe enjoyed her moment of happiness, she picked up the bottle, put it back in it's hiding place, and went back to her room. After she laid back down and drifted off to sleep, Zoe experienced her dream again, only this time it had a different ending. This time, Wash got to enjoy his victory, got to smile big, and got to finish what he was saying: "I 'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar." Zoe smiled, knowing her husband was exactly that and more.