AN: Oh god... The horrors I've written. I apologize for this... It's meant to be a parody (since apparently I think of things like this.) Originally was some type of weird roleplay between me and my friend...
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but... well, this... train-wreck.
Pairing: Ganondorf/Link
In a vague setting, during an unknown timeline, there was the Hero of Hyrule (or whatever his name was at the time) in bed with the Evil King. They had been making out a moment before, but chose to go ahead and strip the other.
Once both of them lacked any articles of clothing, the blonde tried to convince his king to invade him. Instead of getting a finger inserted into his ass, the Gerudo moved away from him. Turning around, Link couldn't help but ask, "Why won't you invade me?"
Chuckling at the hero's impatience, he replied, "Well, if you must know fearless hero, it's because it's unsanitary. Why would I want to insert anything into a hole filled with fecal matter? Unless you cleaned it, which I highly doubt you did. So I will not penetrate you for these reasons."
The Gerudo's words dampened his arousal a bit, but Link wasn't going to give up. "B-But Master, how will we have hot, gay sex if you won't do that?" He also tried the puppy-dog look in hopes of swaying Ganondorf's decision.
However, it had no effect as the horrifying thought of getting feces on his body was more prominent than the adorable Hylian—he also knew it wouldn't be arousing feeling the fecal matter on his penis, despite what Link thought. "No, and that's final."
The hero couldn't help but pout—it was unfair that he wouldn't be getting any just because of something trivial as that. (It's not like it ever stopped Ganondorf from doing it in other universes, but… that was a different story.) "Fine… What do you propose we do then…?"
The Gerudo smirked, knowing exactly what he wanted to do—while Link hadn't done this before, he would become a pro if he had anything to say about it. Ordering Link to sit up with his legs hanging over the edge of the bed, Ganondorf made his way to the hero, planning on blow him.
Just as he got in between the hero's legs, planning on teaching said hero about blowjobs, he heard Link go, "No, no, no!"
Looking up, confused, Ganondorf was about to say something when Link continued on his rant. "I… it'll hurt and then I'll be pissed and we'll fight and… and…" The poor hero was on the verge of tears for reasons unknown, so Ganon did his best to comfort the hero.
"Why would you think it'll hurt," he whispered. "It'll be very pleasurable, I assure you of that." With a small smirk, he pulled himself away from Link's death grip (how that happened, he wasn't sure) and slithered his way down to Link's cock.
"I… I… You're going to bite it, right?" Sighing, Ganondorf realized that this was going to be an extremely long night. Giving up hope on ever getting blown (he also had to consider that he felt no arousal at this point), he tried to explain to his unbelievably naïve lover what a blowjob was.