Yami Ni Shizumu
[Sinking into the darkness]
By Ducky
Jessiegb@aol.com
Darkness
All around
So cold
Terrifying
Closed off
From the world
So quiet
Self-denying
Dreams dreamt
Hoped for
Shot down
Horrifying
Nightmares
Bloodshed
Desire
Intensifying
Scream and fill
The void with
Pain and
Temporarily pacify
The hatred to live
alone
why do you love me?
why is it that you care?
do you really . . . ?
then . . .
. . . why am i so scared?
She walked down the dim lit streets, the face that had been
flashed unto countless television screens and printed on
thousands of magazines and newspapers ironically accepted by
the midnight party goers merely as the shadow of another
wanderer in the night.
'come on, haruka, just this one store and then we're done'
'michiru, you said that at the last shop we were at'
'and at the one before that'
'and the one before that -'
'haruka, please?'
[sigh]
'alright . . .'
'but this is the _last_ one'
She drifted aimlessly through the city, passing the bright
lights and loud noise. All of it was a blur for her,
nothing but sights and sounds to be ignored. She finally
found refuge by the lake, watching the water play along the
shore and the silver moonlight dance upon the waves. She
stood silent on the dock, a lonely silhouette against the
moon, unseeing, unmoving. The wind arrived soon after,
always never far behind. It whispered quietly in her ear,
trying to soothe her troubled mind. She sighed.
Can you take away these dreams, my friend?
She looked up, she watchign the subtle dance in the sky, the
stars performing its nightly show for those who cared to
watch. In those stars - like everything else she saw each
day - she saw _her_, - again - as if she were right before
her eyes, an angel floating down from the heavens . . . her
soft curls unfurling in the breeze, eyes clear and deep,
her gentle hand reaching . . . inviting . . .
'haruka . . . '
- michiru -
'haruka, i '
- no -
Green eyes shut tightly and the illusion faded, but remnants
remained. Remnants that would come back and twist her mind
with dreams, then haunt her every waking moment. The wind
surrounded her immediately, attune to the sudden rush of
pain that swept through her.
Why?
Why must love be so cruel?
Tell me, my friend, what love is.
Explain to me this double-edged sword, this
affliction that strikes with impossibility and
madness. Tell me the reason behind this fear that
this feeling has created, that makes wanting
contradict so harshly with needing. That at this
time of great responsibility, temptation should
rise so strongly.
Tell me why I must fight, not only monsters and
the end of everything, but also myself.
Tell me, my friend, _why_ love is.
Then, tell me why I can't
why I don't
have love.
The wind did not know the answer.
She lowered her head, gazing into the wavering reflection
in the water. The seemingly male face, the tousled hair,
the dull eyes. The reflection that was her . . . had always
been her . . . but now . . . was not _just_ her.
Who am I really?
Tenoh Haruka?
Top F-1 racer in all Japan. Student at Mugen
Gakuen. Invincible track runner. Teenage
heartthrob.
Destined to put all that aside and become a
soldier. A heartless soldier that must murder
three people - three innocent people for the sake
of mankind.
Destined to become the impossible.
She pulled out the blue henshin pen out of her dimensional
pocket, holding it in her hand as she had done thousands of
times before.
Who am I really?
Sailor Uranus?
Protector of this world and the solar system.
Killed only to be reborn a millennia into the
future so as to carry out yet another mission.
Another cruel mission.
Destined to be a person that she barely remembered
being.
Destined to become the impossible.
She slipped the pen back into hiding, and looked back to the
sky, to the heavens that she knew she would now never be
welcomed to. It didn't matter who she was any more. The
paths placed before her both led to destinations unknown -
unknown to _her_, at least. She hated the fact that her
life was being played with, that her life wasn't really her
own, that she was only Fate's pawn. She had no control.
She had never been in control.
- but what would i do? -
- what would i do if i were in control? -
- what would i be if i could choose? -
- what is it that i want? -
What I want . . .?
What _I_ want?
'i'm glad i met you'
[i want]
'i won't let you go tonight'
[i want to be loved]
[i want to love]
- then why am i so afraid? -
Because _it_ will happen again.
It will happen all over again.
papa?
yes, haruka?
mama is gonna get better, right?
[History will repeat itself.]
right?
of course, haruka
mama is going to be just fine
papa?
yes, haruka?
why are you crying?
She'll leave me.
Like they did.
Because someday, someday you're bound to lose
everything. Everybody around you will be gone.
Then what are you left with? Nothing.
Nobody . . .
It's so miserable. And it's inevitable. It's so
hard to recover from something like that. I never
want to deal with that again. I can't.
Even if it means being alone . . .
The door opened and closed.
Then there was silence.
She just stood there, in the entrance of her apartment,
leaning back against the door, staring into the darkness.
She just stood there, staring.
Then a tear trickled down her cheek. A lonely, silent tear
that traced its way down her cheek. Her eyes slowly closed,
her body sliding to the floor.
And Tenoh Haruka
track star
racing prodigy
senshi
sat and cried.
Ducky
20 May 2001
Author's Notes: For anyone who's read any of my other
fanfics, yes, I did insert the flashback dialogue between
Haruka and her father. I'm trying to tie in all my fanfics
but still have them be independent stories within themselves.
I originally had a whole different layout for this story,
but I am actually content with how this worked out.
"Someday you're bound . . . Even if it means being alone."
That speech is actually Squall Leonhart's from Final Fantasy
VIII, Disc 2. I believe it's when he's talking to Rinoa
while the others are giving him a concert. *shrugs*
Somewhere around there. Also, the title of this story is
a title of a song from Final Fantasy VII. *I think*
- delusional