Author's Note: This is (probably) the first fanfiction I've ever written. I apologize in advance for any typos I may have made, as well if the pacing is awkward. Also, I do not own the Lord of the Rings franchise. There. I said it. Even though it should be obvious. It's not like I'm secretly Mr. Tolkien back from the dead and making a joke out of my- I mean his own books. ahem Let's get to it then.

Chapter 1: Bilbo's Birthday Party

Mr. Bilbo Baggins was a hobbit. Oh, you don't know what a hobbit is? Well, they're short, gluttonous, and they frequently have smoking and drinking problems. That pretty much sums them up.
Bilbo was also very old. And wealthy. And had a lot of relatives who wanted him to just die already so that they could move into his home. His adopted nephew Frodo was one of the few relatives who didn't want him dead. Perhaps it was because he was already living in the house.
Today was Bilbo's hundred and somethingeth birthday, and he was throwing a party. He invited half the Shire to it, but most of them came only for the free food. For entertainment, Mr. Bilbo had hired Gandalf the wizard to come and dazzle the guests with his magic.
Frodo decided to go to the road and wait for Gandalf to arrive. An hour went by as he sat there. And then another hour. And another. And then, without warning, another hour. Just as Frodo had realized he'd wasted half the day sitting by the roadside, he finally saw the wizard's cart approaching. He crossed his arms as the cart reached him.
"You're late," he told Gandalf.
"I am never late," Gandalf replied. "I arrive precisely when I mean to."
"So... You meant to be late?"
Gandalf frowned, blinked, and urged the horse to get moving again, muttering to himself about respect.
He reached Bilbo's hole and knocked on the door.
"Bilbooooooooo! Open Uuuuuuuuup!"
Bilbo opened the door and frowned up at the tall wizard. "You're late."
"Yes, yes, I know," Gandalf said. "I had a lecture on that from your nephew."
"Well, come in," Bilbo turned away. "But do watch out for the tripwire grenade."
"What?" Gandalf said, looking down. "Goodness Sakes, Bilbo! Why in the blazes do you have a tripwire grenade in your doorway?!"
"Oh, it's just something my relatives put there a few weeks ago. They've been doing this sort of thing for years."
Gandalf carefully stepped inside, hitching up his long robes so that they wouldn't touch the wire.
"So," Bilbo began as he fetched two bottles of Coke from his pantry, "will you need any materials to use for your tricks this evening?"
"They are not tricks," Gandalf jabbed a finger in Bilbo's face. "And I will need flour."
"Flour?"
"Yes, just flour. Nothing more. A great wizard only uses flour. It's all I need."
The party began that evening. All the guests showed up, as well as a few hired assassins.
"This is a nice party!" Frodo shouted at his uncle to be heard above the music and noise.
"What's that about a rice patty?" Bilbo shouted back.
"NICE! PARTY!"
"Oh! Yes, it is," Bilbo nodded, then ducked to avoid a shuriken. "I have a present for you, Frodo!"
"You're running for President?"
"A PRESENT FOR YOU!"
Frodo nodded and they ducked inside a nearby tent.
"This, my lad," said Bilbo, "is my lucky ring."
"Why is it lucky?"
"Just go with it," Bilbo pleaded. "I want you to have this."
"Oh. Alright," Frodo shrugged. He waited. Bilbo made no move to give him the ring. "Um... Are you going to give it to me?"
"What?" Bilbo asked as if startled. "Oh, um... yes. I uh... I'll do that. Later." He pocketed the ring and they left the tent. A server handed them some drinks. Bilbo poured his on the ground, where it instantly killed a patch of the lawn.
"One thing that would make it a better party," Bilbo observed, "would be if Gandalf did some... well... actual magic."
A group of small children stood around the wizard a short distance away. He repeatedly tossed flour in their faces, shouted "POOF", and insisted that the child had disappeared.
When it got late, everyone gathered at the tables for dinner. Bilbo climbed onto a stage to make his birthday speech. He bowed to his audience, narrowly avoiding an arrow aimed at his head.
"Ladies and Gentlehobbits," he began, "Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!" Some clapping followed, as well as several shouts of "Boo!". "Now," Bilbo continued, "before we eat, I would like to say-,"

KA-BOOM!

The stage exploded in an enormous ball of fire! The blast tossed several of the nearest hobbits into the air. Frodo was hit in the face by Bilbo's ring. Gandalf decided to take advantage of the situation and shouted "TA-DA!". A crowd of Bilbo's relatives cheered and stampeded to his home.
"Uuuugh," Frodo groaned as he sat up. "What happened?"
"I performed my magic finale," Gandalf replied briskly.
"Where's Bilbo?" Frodo asked, looking around.
"Sadly, he is dead. But I must say, that was quite spectacular, wasn't it? Not to brag of course. A wizard never brags."

That does it for Chapter 1! I'll get started on Chapter 2 right away. Thanks for reading!