I sit at the kitchen table, my head in my hands. I can't help the tears that fall fast on the surface, gathering like pathetic oceans. A cup of coffee waits patiently, listening, and that cup is to blame.
With no warning at all, an avalanche of memories crashed on my head, arriving uninvited, slithering into my mind; I wasn't able to shut them out this time. The cup of coffee waits patiently in front of me, with only my tears to keep it company this morning.
It's been three years, and I thought that I'd forgotten everything, but the heart never forgets. Not really. It only gets used to the absence. And I can still remember what he said that day, and I cry even harder.
"I'm trying to quit smoking, Bella," he says, tapping ashes onto the ground.
"It is a terrible vice," I answer, threading my fingers through his unkempt hair.
"No more than coffee," he replies, smiling and holding me, so close.
"That's not true." I press my lips to his. "I can give up coffee anytime I want, Edward."
It was him I couldn't give up. It makes me wonder, if each night was worth it. The uncertainty of not knowing if he'd be back. I thought about losing him and my heart pounded as if I were dying, and my head would spin and my mind tumbled into an abyss. Watching him sleep, I would trace his features with the tip of a finger, and think. I don't know what I'll do when you don't come back to me, when you tell me you've fallen in love with someone else, that this cannot go on… and it'll hurt so much, knowing I wasn't enough to keep you. That I couldn't make you mine. Because you want me, but you don't love me.
I trace the coffee cup, trying to pretend that his lips had touched the rim, that he is still real. Pretending that he had heard me when I had whispered in his ear as he slept beside me.
I don't want your kisses today if you can't promise me I'll have them tomorrow. I don't want you to make me not need you… you're the air around me, but I can't breathe.
If I close my eyes, is the world still here? I cannot forget… I can only get used to your absence.
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Okay, so this is a lot different than what I'm used to writing… tell me what you think. Chapters will be kind of on the short side, as will the whole story. This is pretty much written out already, so look for regular updates. Oh, you can look for me on twitter under Cordy_Q. If you like.