ClownsofKhaos presents…
…In Association with absolutely no one
…
Super Mario Sunshine: The True Story
One sunny morning, the heroic plumber Mario woke up noticing that one of his slippers was missing. So he walked up to his closet and opened it up, and out rolled Luigi covered in bumps and bruises and his slipper and a sock fell out too.
"Now, Luigi," Mario said "if you ever steal my slipper again, I'll throw your ass into the furnace!"
"Okay!" Luigi said and ran outside with a stick.
Mario grabbed the newspaper and read the boring news. Suddenly the phone rang. Mario answered to a voice that said "Congratulations! You won!"
"All right!" Mario said.
"You just have to answer this one question! What are the planets in our solar system?"
Mario tried to remember all the planets in order, but he wasn't sure if he had it right. Just then, Luigi came up and knocked Mario out and said all the planets into the phone.
"That is correct!"
"Yay!"
"Luigi, before I kill you," Mario said getting back up, "What did you win?"
"You have won…" The voice on the phone said, "A NEW VACATION!"
"OH MY GOD!" Luigi yelled. He ran out to the mailbox and got the card which was already there for some reason. He got back and Mario asked "Luigi, how did you know all the planets?"
"Well, one day in kindergarten, I was sitting in class and the teacher was saying things. Then afterwards the other kids started throwing planets at me!"
"Okay…" Mario said and opened up the letter. Mario thought, Okay, there's two tickets in here. I could take the princess and the other one's for me of course. Big Pop Daddy King Toad probably has enough drug money to pay for himself and his friends. But what can I do about Luigi? while Luigi was thinking Potatoes potatoes potatoes potatoes potatoes…
Mario looked around and saw a stick. he picked it up and waved it in front of Luigi's face. "Luigi… Fetch!"
Mario threw the stick. Luigi ran after it and yelled "POTATOES!" The door closed as Luigi went inside.
"Oh no, Luigi!" Mario said sadly. "The doors locked from the inside! Don't try to open them!"
"Okay, Mario, I'll take your word for it!"
"Peach has an extra key, I'll get it from her!" And Mario got into the car and drove off.
Mario saw the princess, who still had a black eye from last time Luigi fucked up, Big Pop Daddy King Toad, Old Pimp Daddy King Toad, and all his hoes waiting for him at the airport. Peach asked "Did the plan to get rid of Luigi for our vacation work?"
"Hell yeah!"
So Peach fluffed Mario's shaft and they both got into the pink airplane. While they waited to get there, an in-flight movie started playing. The first thing Mario noticed was a whole bunch of hideous, disgusting, deformed pineapple men (And women, don't call me sexist!) welcoming them all to the island.
"Oh my God! They're so ugly!" Mario said. He quickly reached for a barf bag and held it up to his face, but he vomited so powerfully that it shot straight through the bag and covered the screen! Peach gasped and said "Mario! That's not very nice!"
"I can't help it! They're so damn ugly!"
"I think they're kind of cute!"
Mario turned away and started to hurl again, this time covering the windows. Meanwhile, the guy on the TV was saying "And don't forget to ride all the rides at our five star amusement park!" Old Pimp Daddy King Toad was thinking about riding the roller-coaster with a bunch of hookers.
"Don't worry, son." He said. "If there's one thing I've learned in all my years, it's that tropical islands like this are great for picking up more sex slaves, and trust me, you can't have too many of those!"
The plane began to land. Everything was going smoothly. They were almost there. Oh no, they crashed. Old Pimp Daddy King Toad flew out of his seat. Mario heard him yell "AH! MY DICK!" Apparently Mario wasn't the only one who heard it, as it echoed all around the town. Mario saw that he was lying in some sort of fluid. He dipped his finger in it and put it into Peach's mouth.
"Hmm…" She said. "It tastes kind of like those white sunshine smoothies you always make."
"What! But I only made those for Luigi!"
"Yeah, he let me try one once."
"Dammit, Peach, never do that! Never do anything without my permission! Anyways, we better get this man some help." Mario lit up a cigarette. He normally didn't smoke but what the hell, he's on vacation, right? Meanwhile, Big Pop Daddy King Toad was looking at the pile of goo that caused the crash.
"The fuck is this?" he asked no one in particular. Mario walked over to it.
"Let me take care of it. I'd stand back if I were you." Mario flicked the butt of his cigarette into the goop and walked away like a badass. The goop ignited and exploded and the show-offy Mario's back got covered in the burning substance.
"My Ears! My Ears! The movies, they lied! They lied! How do the cool guys do it without getting hurt? You just can't walk away from the explosions!" Mario yelled as he stopped dropped and rolled.
Mario instantly got up and brushed off the ashes. He didn't notice that the fire burned his overalls and exposed his bare buttocks to the public. Mario walked along proudly. He picked up a star- I mean, Shine Sprite, but then suddenly the police showed up. Mario quickly covered his eyes as they tackled him.
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP! PUT 'EM UP!" they yelled.
"I can't! You don't understand!"
One officer put a gun up to Mario's head and said "Put 'em up NOW!"
"You're gonna regret it!" Mario said. As soon as he took his hands off his eyes, the hideous Pianta cops caused Mario to blow chunks; enough to extinguish the fire and, cover all the officers, and Old Pimp Daddy King Toad, who was still writhing in pain.
They cuffed Mario and threw him on a boat to the mainland. He saw something sitting next to him that looked like a robotic pump. It asked him in a voice that sounded like Stephen Hawking, "Hey, what are you in for?"
"I don't know… what about you?"
"I was Fucking Lesbians Up, you Dumb Dick. I'm FLUDD."
"Hey, we should hang out."
"Yeah, I cannot do much, but I can at least cover up that hole in your overalls if you wear me on your back."
The next day Mario was put on trial. He never got a new pair of overalls. Peach arrived with Old Pimp Daddy King Toad in a wheel chair, who had a massive cast around his you-know-what.
"Are you sure it's supposed to be that big?" Peach asked in a concerned tone.
"It didn't shrink."
A fat old pianta woman was the judge in the case. She slammed her mallet on the podium and shouted "Court is now in ses-"
"Objection!" Peach shouted as she jumped out of her chair. Mario slapped himself in the face, and everything went awkwardly silent. The judge stared at Peach. She pointed to a sign and said "Okay, now apparently someone forgot to read the rules. No pets, no food and no blonds! Get her out of here!"
Peach was escorted out. The Judge noticed that Mario had his hands over his eyes.
"And YOU! Quit crying like a pussy and look me in the eye!"
"I'm not crying, I'll throw up if I look at you!"
"I'm not playing games here. Take your hands off your eyes now!"
Mario took his hands off his eyes and looked straight at the judge. She was the most disgusting thing any mortal has ever seen. In fact, most people would have died just by looking at something this horrible. Immediately, Mario honked Smurfs all over the judge. The stream of semi-digested mushrooms and Italian food continued to coat the judge for a good seven minutes while the jury and guards and Peach peeking in the window watched in horror. When Mario finally ran out of puke, there was complete and total silence. The Judge slowly grabbed her hammer. Suddenly, she began brutally abusing the podium with it!
"GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!" She yelled. "Lock him up! GET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Mario was immediately blindfolded and escorted to the jail across the street.
Mario woke up in jail the next day. He said "At least I don't have to see those horrible looking people anymore.
"Actually, your trial was never completed." said FLUDD. A guard from outside said "But if you can prove your innocence, I guess it'll be okay to wander around the island, but you won't be able to leave.
"What's the point of jail then?" Mario asked.
"Uhh… I don't know… Uhh…I guess we better just let him go." The guard called to the other guards.
Mario walked out into the sun, avoiding every pianta in his way. On top of one of the roofs, he noticed a giant green polka dotted egg. Mario gasped and said to himself "That son of a bitch is here!" He beat the egg open with a pineapple and Yoshi rolled out. Yoshi started running away, but Mario jumped on him and started beating the dinosaur.
"Give it! Give it!" he yelled as blood flew from Yoshi's mouth. A crowd gathered to watch the madness unfold. Finally, Yoshi unhanded a big bowl of pasta, and Mario took it and said "If you EVER steal my pasta again, I WILL kill you." He let Yoshi go and started walking away. One of the sick blue dudes jumped in front of him and yelled "What have you done, you sick bastard!" Mario retched all over the guy and then ran behind a tree.
"Hey pal." Another one said. "What's your problem?"
"I can't look at you guys or else I will vomit!"
"Hang on, let me hook you up!" The guy said. He handed Mario some sunglasses!
"Whoa! I can't see you! I'll never have to hurl at you again!"
"Hey, you may want to put on this shirt too."
"Why?"
"Yours kind of smells like puke."
So Mario wandered around for a little while and didn't really find anything interesting. It might have been because the special shades distorted his vision, but he did notice that it was really cloudy when it should have been sunny like it said in the brochure. Anyways, he kept walking along bored until he came up to a huge pile of sludge in the middle of the town! He also saw the Princes, Old Pimp Daddy King Toad, who was now on a cane instead of a wheel chair, and Big Pop Daddy King Toad along with all the little toad hoes.
"Gross, what's with all this sludge?" Mario asked plugging his nose.
"This is where they put all your vomit after they cleaned the court room." said FLUDD, "Since then I hear they've all been using this area as a huge public restroom.
"Well I've gotta get to the other side and I'm sure as hell not walking across this."
"What do you suggest we do about it?"
"You can spray water, can't you?"
"Yes, but I only have a fishbowl that's half full of water. It can't clean this whole block. I mean if you had any common sense at all I wouldn't have had to tell you this."
"Okay, shut up now, dick. Maybe I can burn it."
"Well I guess I could get rid of a little bit of it now."
FLUDD sprayed some water on the raw sewage and it all washed away for some reason. Even more oddly, a giant statue emerged from totally flat ground. On top of it was a dark blue figure that looked exactly like Mario if Mario were made out of water. But he wasn't Mario. He was the exact opposite.
He was evil…
He was gay…
He was atheist…
He was…
SHADOW MARIO!
"Oh, hell no!" Mario yelled and got ready to chase the imposter. Mario chased the imposter down the street, but unlike Mario, Shadow Mario was actually in shape. He ran and stood there. He even had time to unzip his fly and took a wiz on a wall in the shape of an 'M'. Mario finally caught up and Shadow Mario tried to jump onto the roof. Unfortunately for him, Mario was good at jumping, which meant he wasn't, so he hit the wall and fell back down. Mario got ready to snap his neck.
"Wait!" said the imposter in a fruity tone. "If you let me go I'll tell you where the princess is!"
"The princess is kidnapped again? Dammit!"
Just then, Shadow Mario jumped up and ran. Since Mario couldn't jump through walls, and Shadow Mario was his opposite, then that apparently meant Shadow Mario could jump through walls because he did. Mario tried to follow him but ended up diving into the wall and looking like an idiot.
"No!" Mario said slamming his fist onto the ground. "That's it, I quit!"
So he did.
The End…
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