The air hung heavy around Kylo Ren in the newly re-abandoned rebel base. Crait had this acrid smell that infiltrated the sinuses and mucus membranes, adding to that infernal irritation that could tip a bad day into hellish territory. Never mind a day like today.

Yes, it was the salt stinging his eyes. You fool. The full gravity of the situation was still numbed from him, the telltale sign of fresh trauma. He had gone through the last few hours reacting blindly, badly, like a piece of debris in a shipwreck. Ricocheting off inevitable obstacles with devastating speed in its predetermined course.

The feeling was familiar, but when he got to that point on one of Snoke's routine assignments, the collateral damage worked in his favor, shoring his reputation. The enemy, bystanders and even his own lower ranks were just so much meat to grind through. It was easy to convince him that the emotion stirred in him was growing strength and power. That is until the nagging undertow would begin again, that off-key note that rang in his core.

Today was not that kind of day. He was the ground meat.

The distant groan of the AT-ATs still advancing brought him back to the present moment. He was now the Supreme Leader, fully in control of this machine. This mess was solely his to deal with. This new power didn't feel good, it felt strange and inconvenient.

Like the landscape on Crait, the gaping wound Luke had re-opened bled unchecked. Kylo swore that the remnants of his soul were smeared all over that infernal salt-pan.

"See you around kid" and the door of the Falcon had slammed shut in his face, like so many times before. But by Rey this time…

There, there's the fuel again. It would be enough to get him back to his private quarters. He launched back into the darkness, firing orders like ammunition.

"Pull out all squadrons, prepare the reports. I want them now."

"And the resistance ship?" Hux queried with thinly veiled contempt, referring to the Falcon that had now jumped into light speed.

"I suggest you don't remind me of your incompetence." Hux knew better then to argue with the obvious blame shift, stalking away fuming.

Ren silently absorbed the reports on the ride back. Only half of him listened, filling them away for future use, wordless intimidation deployed to cover for his lack of further orders. Hux's eyes bored into him when he thought he wasn't other half of him focused on just one task, to hold the raw strips of his psyche together until he was alone. Just a little longer. The truth was he had been in complete submission, on his knees before her, as she shut the door on him. There had still been desperate hope in him even then, as vulnerable as a child.

He collapsed in a heap on the floor the moment the door finally shut behind him, sobbing with a rawness he thought he was no longer capable of. The sob turned into a scream, which dragged every last breath out of him onto the cold grating beneath. He lay there for a while, entombed. Only her wide-eyed face shone like a lamp through the darkness. Sweet Rey, covered in tears. You fool. She had cracked him open like a nut and light streamed in, illuminating all the pain even more. She brought out a need in him he long sought to bury, and then left him in his pile of ashes.

He hauled himself into the shower to rinse away the Crait salt. It stung his eyes. He willed the water to wash her away too, but she may as well have been carved into his soul.

The penetrating hum of the Supremacy played with his loneliness in that ever-familiar way. The grey walls were suffocating. His bed brought no comfort. His heart twisted in a silent horrified scream he couldn't appease. The connection is gone. She's gone.

Ren tried to train it out of himself, taking the routine combat drills with the Knights of Ren to a new level of savagery. They thought it was because he had reached a greater power by becoming the Supreme Leader. He knew it was because he felt beaten like a dog. He pushed each one of them into a blind rage until they bezerked in self-defense. His muscles screamed with over-training and malnutrition. The purple under his eyes deepened to match his bruises. He was trying to mince himself up, self harm by proxy.

Military meetings only served to highlight his lack of focus. Hux pushed forward with increasingly elaborate plans, showing an ambition he never would have dared to with Snoke, chomping at the bit. Ren struggled even paying attention. His rationalizations became increasingly brittle and the nihilism began to show through. He was broken in half like the ship he was on, but with the crucial difference was the ship was being repaired.

Ren was sitting at a console, half dressed, unwashed, thousand yard stare going when the force connected them again. He was so far away he didn't notice the telltale vacuum of sound.

What was left of the resistance had sought a temporary refuge on an uninhabited moon. Rey was in the middle of taking apart a spare capacitor away from the others, relishing time alone. The landscape was a cathedral of jagged rock formations, and the thin atmosphere meant stars could always be seen during it's seven-hour rotation. It was an eerie kind beauty, it's harshness soothed her soul. She had pulled off the casing panel and was about to lift out the charge coils when suddenly Kylo Ren was in front of her. The sorry state of him made her drop the panel with a loud clang. Ren leapt to his feet activating his light saber into defense position while Rey screamed in response. He stared at her panting for a moment, slowly lowering his weapon.

"Is it Kylo Ren or is it Ben today." Rey spat, regretting the words as they left her mouth. Ren flinched but remained silent. He looked utterly defeated. He sat down and continued dressing, putting on his gloves and jacket. Rey didn't know what to make of it, tears spilling from her unwilling eyes.

Finally he looked up, but not high enough to gaze at her face. His eyes moved over her body noting the little details. Her feminine form, the design of her belt, her knuckles white from clutching a tool, a strand of hair falling across her collarbone, her lips parted slightly, some soot on her neck.

Neither could form a thing to say.

She longed to reach out to him, everything be damned but his mind remained purposefully snapped shut.

"Ben…" She stepped forward and reached for his arm and before she knew it, he grabbed her, pulled her forward and buried his face into her chest. on his knees, trembling, arms possessively around her hips. She held him close, hands in his dark hair, shocked to discover his body was warm and she could smell the intoxicating musk of his sweat mingled with his skin.

Suddenly things felt right again, everything, every last bit of it. His mind opened and such anguish and relief flowed out it almost floored her, but he didn't try to probe her, too ashamed. Rey pushed the love she felt into him like trying to save a dying animal.

"Can you see?" She asked gently.

He dissolved in her arms and she never got her answer.