So, I have been chosen to mentor Lionpaw…

Strange, but then again, some thought I was strange. Everyone was surprised, but none more than myself. Lionpaw, one of the three kits born of Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight. The son of my former love, and the warrior who she left me for. He stole her from me, and she had stolen my heart.

Oh how wrong I would soon find that out to be, and boy would it cost me, cost me the ultimate price and the ultimate pain, from knowing the ultimate truth.

Yes, Firestar announced that I would mentor one of his three grandkits. I was shocked, needless to say. Others were too, but for a different reason. Especially after the whole Hawkfrost incident, I didn't know where I stood with our leader. But, Firestar said to move on and leave the past behind us. So we had done that, Birchpaw became Birchfall, and I resumed my warrior duties. Firestar said I had mentored my nephew well and that I would be a fine mentor for Lionpaw.

Had I?
Would I?
What about the fact that I had nearly become the mate of his daughter, the fact that I could've been that apprentice's father.

Lionpaw in fact was a very fine apprentice, he learned quickly, had the heart of a lion, much like his grandfather, our clan leader. But unfortunately, also of another grandfather.

Yes, Firestar had said to put the past behind us, but, Tigerstar… father of Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight's mate. The very cat who killed my mother, and ultimately caused the demise of my own father. But, no, I could put it behind me. Not everyone ends up like their ancestors, right?

Lionpaw was a very smart cat, and uncommonly strong for his age, he was also full of energy and loved to fight. He had the desire to be as strong as he could be and become a great warrior. Sounds familiar? Yeah, it did to me too. Especially when he became feisty and told me he didn't want to train with claws sheathed anymore. So, I obliged. And hey, if I 'accidentally' nicked him in the process, it'd all be training, right? Besides, I had too many emotions boiling up inside of me for too many moons to start carrying now. It's in the past, it's all in the past.

I would compliment him, 'You fight like a real warrior.'

'You're not tough enough for me!' Lionpaw would always try to push me further, and that was something I liked in him, he never said die, he wouldn't give up, not ever. It was like he didn't care what happened to him, as long as he fought, tooth and claw, and won. And if he did lose, he would get even stronger.

But somebody did care, his father, clan deputy Brambleclaw. Sparring matches did often become hostile between us toms, he had seen us training in a hollow while he was on border patrol. He was horrified to see us fighting claw to claw. At least, that's what I had first thought. Brambleclaw had actually been horrified to see the battle moves and fighting techniques Lionpaw was using. Frankly I thought he was amazing, far better than his parents. Little did I know where and how he'd learned them though, and why Brambleclaw recognized them. I guess I never paid too much care or attention to Lionpaw's 'self invented' moves, but it was hard too, knowing who spawned him.

Ghostly apparitions of a fallen warrior were the least of my problems with Lionpaw though, although he did continue his nightly dream training. I didn't know this at the time, but he was secretly seeing Heatherpaw, a cat not from ThunderClan! Half-clan relationships are forbidden for a reason, fox brain. Well, at least that friendship sailed, I can only hope. I don't know why he stopped so abruptly, I remember he awoke in a frenzy one night, perhaps after a bad dream, and he stopped not too long after that. Perhaps StarClan had sent him a warning? Well, they say that you can sometimes be taught in a dream, and so I hope now that he can continue to hone his fighting skills.

Lionblaze, a very appropriate name. My apprentice was incredibly courageous, but perhaps he learned heroism out of my foolishness, and took after my stubbornness, at least that's what Cloudtail would often joke with me. I didn't get to enjoy the fruits of my training of him for very long though. Sure, battle, illness, injury, intrusion, and mother nature always take a toll, even on a warriors body such as my own, but the greatest injury of my life was about to be re-opened, and that was my injured heart.

I'd had many seasons left alone to think by myself, but I guess solitude comes with not having a mate. I spent hours, day and night, thinking about my lost relationship with Squirrelflight, my resentment towards Brambleclaw, and of course the events with Hawkfrost and Birchfall. I had so many emotions swirl inside of me. Love, angst, anger, betrayal, confusion, sorrow, regret, but all of those powerful and conflicting emotions were about to be replaced by one overpowering feeling, a feeling that I came to realize upon a terrible epiphany. I had gone all this time hating Brambleclaw for stealing Squirrelflight away from me. But no, that was not the case.

Squirrelflight had left me, she didn't love me as much, she said.
Or was that even true?
Did she ever love me at all?
Did she ever realize how much she hurt me?
Had she used me?
No, Birchfall said he didn't think she was so cruel as to do something like that to me, after all I had done… but, what if she was?
These questions would haunt my every moment, the anticipation piercing me like claws of ice cold sleet.

I would lay awake at night thinking.
I would half eat fresh kill as I thought.
On guard duty a clumsy badger could've broken through the brambles and I wouldn't have noticed because I was so lost in my thoughts.
On patrols I didn't pay much attention because all I could do was think.
Think about Squirrelflight.
Think about Brambleclaw.
Think about… everything.
Think about…
Hate.

Hate was the new emotion, hate, not for Brambleclaw, he was innocent, his only fault was being the one more sought after by Squirrelflight. I never truly hated him, it was her I hated! I hated Squirrelflight! This new emotion was fueling everything in my clan life, and I hated it myself. I hated myself for being so blind and resenting Brambleclaw. I began to hate myself, for everyting. I hated myself for loving her, for falling for her… yes, falling, that's what I did, I fell for it. I fell for her hard alright. Everyone was right, I am a fool. Birchfall was wrong, she didn't understand the pain, perhaps she didn't do it on purpose, but out of ignorance. Either way, it was still intentional, harm with intent.

I had to make her hurt.
I had to share this pain!

A terrible storm amid a greencough outbreak, how much harder could this life be? Nine lives must come in handy. I was tired, I hadn't eaten, barely slept after patrols, and yet now I had to be the hero again. Lightning struck, causing a fire near the camp. Easy enough, evacuate right? Wrong. Why? Kits. Squirrelflight had tried to be the savior herself, dragging a stick through the flames. But no, she was weak… Weak. Faced with the flames, the kids were cornered against a cliff that would lead to the same fate, death. Squirrelflight couldn't do it, no not alone, no, she knew she wasn't strong enough, she needed help.

I made my amazing heroic leap through the flames to come to the rescue! Not her rescue though, frankly I could no longer care less. What had I seen in her in the first place anyway? No, my motive was to get the kits to safety. I dragged the stick all the way, by myself, solitude seemed to be my new angle in life. It hurt, the pain in my heart made it hard to breath, and of course the heat of the flames and thick smoke didn't help either. This pain… I had to share it. And I finally saw my chance!

My former apprentice, Lionblaze, leaped onto the stick first in order to get across. At that instant I blocked his path. He didn't understand, his eyes gazed to me, glazed over with fear and misunderstanding. I didn't want to hurt him, it was never my intention. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault he was born by two blind fools, it wasn't his fault, that Squirrelflight was his mother.

His mother. Yes, she looked at me with confusion as well. But I had needed a target to prove my point. She begged me, "Please, let them through!"

"No." I told her. "I never forgave you after you left me for Brambleclaw."

She was speechless, but I could tell in her eyes that she had already known. She had forgotten, forgotten everything in the past, just like Firestar had said to me. I was foolish to believe him, and Squirrelflight was desperate enough to shut her eyes towards history.

I needed to hurt her, I needed to share this pain, to let her feel what I felt. So what I said now, would be forever known to her as 'the truth'. I wasn't thinking, I didn't know what would happen after that, if she would tell her father, tell the clan. I didn't know what would happen to me, but in the heat of the moment in the heat of the fire, I wasn't thinking, so I didn't think to care. It would do what I had originally planned, it would protect my nephew Birchfall, and it would, as a bonus, hurt Squirrelflight like she had hurt me.

"It was I who told your father!" I falsely confessed. "I was the one who helped Hawkfrost set the trap for your father, Firestar." I growled deeply as my pale blue eyes grew dark as I showed her my hatred, as they radiated with my pain. "Because I wanted to show you pain…" I stood tall, the flames giving me a strong silhouette to enforce my emotions. "To show you the pain of losing a loved one, just like I have faced, time and time again and again!"

"But, he's your leader! How could you… why would you…" She was baffled, naturally, she did not understand.

"How dare he!" Lionblaze hissed. Try to kill your leader, you must be mad!

I could tell from the corner of my eye that he was ready to attack me, his former mentor. But I was in the mode, I couldn't stop myself even if I had tried, but my heart had hardened from her past treatment of me, I couldn't go soft now, not for her, or for Lionblaze, or his kin. There was no point of return, no backing down, so I had to continue, "He has nine lives, but you scarred my one life nine times over! You have no idea how much you heart me, so I had to hurt you, by hurting someone you loved, someone you admired and looked up to. If it meant betraying my leader than so be it, but more importantly than that, he is your daddy!"

Her eyes went wide.
Yes, I had her now.

I couldn't stand myself, in that moment of silence in the flames of our confrontation, I realized something of myself. I hated myself more than anything. Yes I had gone through the seasons foolishly hating an innocent cat of Brambleclaw, and now I was hurting Squirrelflight with this lie, but I needed my revenge, and I needed more importantly to hurt Squirrelflight. I had lived my whole life in pain, but I never let it get to me, I never let it harm others. Until now. Everyone would hate me once word of this got out. I had trapped myself with my back against the proverbial wall. But, I had promised, and I needed to share this pain.

I hated myself most of all, and my self loathing would only grow.

"I can't believe it's been this long, and you still hate Brambleclaw." Squirrelflight's whisper was almost said to herself, but my ears twitched at the sound of her voice.

"No, I never hated him, it was you I hated. Everyone thought it was him who I had this inner feud with, but they were wrong, all wrong." And that's when it happened, as I announced, "Now I will kill Hollyleaf, Lionblaze and Jayfeather in another attempt to hurt you!"

The three froze with shock and terror, frankly I have no idea where those words came from, but I had to run with it, maybe I could improvise and not kill them, after all, they were innocent, the victim of a terrible mother, the chance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. No, I didn't want to kill them, but I couldn't back down on my words now. The words were my weapons, and they were hurting her.

"You cannot hurt me like that!"

"What…?" I didn't understand, even her three kids were watching with confusion.

Squirrelflight looked up to me, her eyes dark, but not with rage, with… I had to squint… guilt…? What did she resent? "They are not my kits…"

The four of us could only gasp.
Was she serious?

I had to whirl around and face the trio with my own eyes, my own eyes that shook with confusion, who met their eyes of utter sorrow and angst.

She was not their mother?

That's when I realized what I had really done. I had done what I feared most of all. I'd let the pain in my life engulf those innocent around me. I felt my heart melt and sink in the pain of my soul, I pitied those kits beyond belief, for Squirrelflight had finally hurt somebody more than she had hurt me… she had hurt her own kits, kits who love her, who she raised, kits who, weren't actually hers. I hate what I had just done!

"I kept the secret from Brambleclaw and all of ThunderClan." She confessed to us.

I couldn't let this pain continue, I had to stop, it was sickening me. I had to let them go. I had never honestly wanted to hurt them, I wanted to hurt their mother, but, since she wasn't in fact their mother… No, my chance had come in a painful way, so I had to let them pass. I slumped my shoulders as I watched them cross, as they stood glancing at their 'mother' with confusion lost in their poor young faces of sorrow.

I couldn't take their pain anymore, I had to stand up and say something, "I will tell them!" Idiot... not thinking again, I hate that too.

"Huh?" They looked up at me, but I was directing that threat to Squirrelflight.

I twitched my whiskers, feeling my tail fur bristle, "I'll tell them your secret, everyone."

Squirrelflight gasped, she was horribly shocked, she obviously forgot that I no longer loved her. She looked to her kits for guidance and help, but Hollyleaf and Lionblaze refused to speak to her, turning away. I don't know what Jayfeather was thinking, but, most cats don't I'm afraid.

She tried desperately to plead with them, "I couldn't have loved kits of my own any more than I love you. Just because I didn't give birth to you, doesn't mean I'm not your mother. I raised you, I was there for you, I watched you grow and helped you every step of the way. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"So, that doesn't mean you'll tell us who our real parents are?" Lionblaze snorts. Hollypaws glance reflected her brother's question.

Squirrelflight paused for only a moment before hanging her head, "No, I will not." Jayfeather groaned, flattening his ears.

The fire itself had faded away, but the fire between the five of us would not be put out so easily. The camp was fixed easily, but hearts would not heal.

Finally, three days before the next Gathering, I asked Firestar if I could go. I knew that Squirrelflight hadn't told her father about 'my truth' because she knew that I would reveal 'her lie' to all four clans, and what perfect time than a Gathering? But I had to think carefully, how much would it hurt Brambleclaw and the kits themselves? I began to feel for their so called 'father' because he had been hurt just as bad as I had been, if not even more.

My pain no longer mattered.

I knew Squirrelflight and the kits worried that I would reveal the secret at the Gathering, because they warned me that I'll regret it if I reveal the secret. I'm afraid, no doubt, it would be four on one, with one of those four being someone who I trained. But I'm not afraid of pain anymore, no, in fact I think I've become quite immune. But their pain was just beginning, so how could I tell? I pretended not to listen to Squirrelflight and continue to play the act I had started.

I was starting to grow to resent myself more and more.

Finally the Gathering had arrived, but this is where it starts to get fuzzy. I remember a patrol had gone out and had noticed that Squirrelflight and I were missing. But just before the patrol leaves camp, she arrived, so with her appearance they leave without me. They're about to turn back to camp when they saw my body lying in the water, like I had drowned. They took me back to camp to set me up for a vigil but would go on to the Gathering like normal. Naturally, Dustpelt, Ferncloud and Birchfall held vigil for me and mourned my death. They were mortified and shocked beyond belief. I had no idea my death would hurt them so badly, and I will always feel terribly about it, but, truthfully, I was glad to finally be free. Free of that life.

Leafpool was the one who noticed it. The slit in my neck. It told the story of my death, a death that was in fact, a murder. At the Gathering I don't think anything was told, too many questions would've been asked. Afterwards, Firestar announced that my death was unknown. But his grandkits think differently. They notice how scared their 'mother' looked as she held her breath that night. Could they have speculated her involvement with my death? Did they suspect that the killed me? Do you know if this is true? Well then, this is the truth, this is, my truth.

I lied to protect Birchfall, saying that I was the one to help Hawkfrost kill Firestar. I lied because I wanted to show her what pain really was. I tried it again by trying to kill her kits in the forest fire, granted that would've made me a cruel, cold blooded murderer, like that Tigerstar. But it was never my inention to kill, and I had to release them with Squirrelflight said that they weren't her kits. I felt so sorry for her false family, and I vowed to tell everyone at the Gathering, I wanted to do it to destroy Squirrelflight, not to hurt the kits or her mate. I knew she would lose the kits after all was revealed, and more so, that Brambleclaw would want nothing to do with her then and leave her, hurting her even more afterwards. No cat in any clan would respect her, she would finally hurt just as much as she had hurt all of us. But what would happen to her family, what pain would they feel as a result of that truth? No, my 'mysterious' death, my killing and discovery of my body floating in the stream. Isn't it obvious who the murderer is? Sure, Firestar could persuade his clan to think it was a WindClan partrol, it's easy, the river ran near the territory border. But doesn't the fact that Firestar didn't mention my death, even at the Gathering not strike you as significant? What does he know...

Of my last moments of life, I can't tell you much that I can recall.

I was walking, fresh kill was low and I wanted a quick bite before going to the Gathering. My stomach had been in knots for days. That's when I saw her. I came upon Squirrelflight by the stream getting a drink. This was my chance, my ultimate opportunity to hurt her. She was by herself, I could hurt her and not get anyone else involved. I had to end this hate. I would attack her alright, attack her with the most painful weapon of all. My words.

I can't tell you much of what transpired between us because it all turns into a shade of silvery frames of my life. Attacking the dog pack with my sister, being trained by my mentor, training my apprentices, going on hunts, patrols, enjoying Gatherings, the great journey, our old home, my dead parents, it was all switching back and forward with my current reality.

But at least I could die protecting Birchfall, taking the blame and taking the truth to StarClan with me. I don't care how the clanmates or any forest cat felt about me, no matter what was told. They couldn't hurt me now, But, how would I be judged in StarClan, what would my fate be in their wise paws? What did they know of, the truth? What will I learn in the signs of the starry night sky.

And then my eyes opened, and I saw it. I saw, her, Squirrelflight. The fun and joy and love I thought we had together, the pain it caused me when she left me for him, for Brambleclaw. No, I had to forget it. The lies and resentment for such tom. All of my regrets. Forget the memories, forget the possibilities… what she was changing me into, take all this faithlessness with you… just give me myself back! I had become what I hated, and it was only too late that I had realized that. The pain I never wanted to inflict on anyone, they now felt like I had felt. No. I couldn't stay.

Was that what it is like to die?
To realize it all too late?
To see what you will miss?
To regret what you can't do?

It hurt, it hurt worse than any pain I had experienced in life. Injury, illness, the scar on my heart from said she-cat. But more importantly, it hurt worse than the sting of life that flowed out of my neck as I was slashed across my throat. I fell onto the ground, I was dead. To cover her tracks, she threw me into the water.

Had she always been so cold hearted?
I can't remember… did she kill me…?
Or, did she have help…

I mean, she did hurt me… and Brambleclaw…
And 'her' kits, how much did they hurt now?

Was that my fault too…?
Or was that my final act of attempted kindness…
I guess I didn't really mean to hurt them, it just, happened.

But…
The truth is…
MY truth, is…
I don't know…
All I know is…

That this pain is gone.
This hate,
This life,
…and that, I'm sorry.

Sorry I couldn't do more.
Sorry it had to stop here.
Sorry if I ever hurt you.
Sorry, for everything…
StarClan knows, that I'm so sorry.