Sixth fic for a Pride Month prompt challenge from tumblr. Prompt: discovery.
Sometimes, the circumstances of Yuuri's life mean that he misses out on things with others in his age group. In the past it was crazes for toys, fashion, stickers, some game or another. For the most part, while he felt a little sadness at the thought of missing out, Yuuri's parents were always able to help dissuade the feelings with long, loving talks over mugs of soothing mugs of jasmine tea. The open line of conversation, Yuuri thinks, is the reason he's made it this far as a skater. (Well, that and the excited bubble he gets in his stomach when he watches Viktor Nikiforov on the ice.)
This time when he gets back to Hasetsu for the off season, something is different, there's another new something and Yuuri doesn't realise it for a while but what the kids are into now is each other. Yuuri knows about the birds and the bees, obviously – he's fourteen, not a baby – but something feels strange. Takeshi and his friends find a dirty magazine in the trash behind the convenience store and when Yuuri passes them on the way to the library they look furtively between themselves before beckoning him over. He blushes at the sight of the bare breasts, the scant clothing and open-mouthed, vulnerable expressions on the women, but it's purely embarrassment: he feels nothing wanting inside himself for any of it. He knows his eyes don't dilate and shine like the other boys' do, knows he won't go home and think about the images when he's alone in bed in the dark like them, but he doesn't know why.
He skates and skates, tries to lose himself in it but he's distracted, and when he goes home he lies on his bed, staring at his posters of his idol with furrowed brows. He wonders if maybe he's just a late bloomer, that maybe one day the switch will click and he'll start feeling something more than friendship for girls. He watches Yuuko and Takeshi, wondering if he's meant to feel some kind of challenge, like he should be fighting for her, but Yuuko is just Yuuko and he loves her but not like that.
The following week he's approached by one of Yuuko's friends. He's getting ready to leave the rink, his skates halfway into his bag, when she comes over to give him a phone charm with a penguin on it. The present is a nice surprise, and Yuuri is halfway to accepting it when he suddenly feels the weight of expectation in it and freezes. He stammers through an apology, tells her it's nice but he's not looking for anything like that right now. She's mercifully understanding but Yuuri walks home after in a light shower, feeling cruel.
Yuuko finds him the next morning and apologises.
"I knew she wanted to ask you out," she says, cheeks pink and earnest. "I did tell her it would be a bad idea, that you were... you know?"
She trails off, expectant. Yuuri glances at her, eyes wide. What am I? But she stops, looking into his face, and smiles.
"I told her you wouldn't be interested."
Yuuri chews on the conversation for the next few weeks. When the new season starts he's still chewing and his heart aches from it. He's in Switzerland when he gets an excited email from Yuuko with a link to a video: leaked footage of Viktor Nikiforov's latest routine. Yuuri watches the video three times in a row before he can breathe normally again. Watching it made Yuuri's heart race and a light flush come to his cheeks. He feels light-headed, almost giddy, and the grin on his face is both parts awe and admiration.
It occurs to him in the shower later that this feeling is one he's read about, heard spoken about, seen films about, and the realisation stops him dead. He thinks backwards, thinks about times he's spent alone, times he's spent with girls, with boys, weird dreams and unbidden little thoughts. The shower runs as one of Yuuri's hands comes up to cover his lips. As soon as he's out of the shower, he sends a reply to Yuuko's email:
'I think I might be gay.'