Her knees sunk into the mud with a soft thud, her hands shortly following thereafter. They each clenched slowly and almost brokenly, the veins straining against her paper-thin skin looking as if any sudden movement could cause them to burst. She'd had gloves when she was younger but over the years of war they'd been damaged, worn and stained with blood. Her suit and goggles no matter how stained they were, were the only things that remained of a past that was soon and ever so slightly fading without notice. The suit wasn't really much of a suit anymore, the sleeves of it having to be cut off at the shoulders due to previous wounds that had left a multitude of scars that warped over her arms. Of course, they weren't the only scars she'd received but that was before she ran out of the supplies to fix her suit and the numerous number of goggles she'd had to replace her first pair.
Wally tilted her head back to the sky, the brooding dark clouds rumbling overhead and closed her eyes. She'd lost everything, the war, her men but most of all she'd lost herself. This was war, a battle of attrition, people didn't get to whine over the things they'd lost and all the things they had sacrificed. And she had sacrificed everything. You had to keep giving, keep on going because there was no other option to pause and mourn the dead. She knew that if she stopped, if she took that one second of rest, gave herself one moment to pause, she'd think about everything she'd done to survive, to keep everyone alive and she'd break. So, she didn't stop and she didn't think about the things she had done because the dead were gone and no matter how much you might have accepted that some things had to be done, they still appeared at night calling out for her blood. Some things just had to be done, no matter the consequences.
If she kept going down the route of all the could have beens and what ifs, she'd fail in her search of food, therefore failing to fill the mouths of the small children and their parents that she and her troops had promised to look after.
"Hero", she scoffed, there kneeling in the mud with the bodies of her men lying dead around her. Is that really what she was? It was what they had called her. A symbol of hope for her men and the people she had been looking after as they had welcomed her back, slapping her on her shoulders and cheering for her every time she had returned to camp. They all had known what she'd been doing out there, her suit slowly darkening with each visit outside of the camp, but they turned a blind eye towards it as long as she was keeping them safe. Wally had long since grown desensitized to the violence and the blood that she was spilling, the horrors she committed not really horrors anymore as they far outweighed the crimes that the real monsters out there were committing. She'd lost her moral code in this war. She had slaughtered people in their beds, tortured people until all their skin was gone from their body but she'd kept her people alive and she hoped that made it all worth it in the end because there was a point in which she had moved on from doing what was considered right and honourable. Now all that mattered was survival.
Hero.
Was this what made her a hero? She glanced around, the people who had trusted her, their bodies cold and hard with rigor mortis now setting in, knew this was their last battle just as she had known that this would be the end for her. It had been a long time coming and she was ready to finally move past trying to survive no matter what and accept it, her death. She'd made horrible choices to get here but in the end, she'd made them and she was ready to go.
There wasn't really much of a hero left within her anymore, not like her old friends. She'd doubt she'd see them again but maybe they knew just how sorry she was. Maybe they were watching her and maybe they understood and forgave her for what she'd had to do. But who knows, she certainly wouldn't, she's never really believed in God and the afterlife.
Heroes.
That's what she had been. A person with hope, who was just and brave. A person who refused to give in and never surrendered. She was honourable and never cruel or ruthless and she had prevailed despite whatever situation they were put in because she had believed that everything would be okay. Wally didn't have that naivety anymore. Didn't have the hope that would keep heroes going and inspire those around her. No, she'd grown past the child standing in her aunt's bedroom, a cape wrapped around her shoulders with the promise of saving everyone. She wasn't a child anymore, but she also wasn't a hero. That ship had long since sailed.
Did Wally regret it? She couldn't say yes, couldn't define what she did or did not regret because she couldn't doubt what she'd done for one second. If she regretted one thing, she would regret everything and that wasn't allowed. People were…had been relying upon her to make each decision and get it right! There were a lot of things she'd lost over the years, her lover, her friends and her family.
She'd watched as she lost her friends one by one when the war first started. They hadn't known that an ordinary mission would be the beginning of a war that would be ongoing. They hadn't realised the risk that they faced every day because there were rules that were in place to support them. If things were to go to shit, then a button would be pressed and a Justice League hero would come to their aid.
But Kaldur was the first to go of the young rag-tag team, having been recalled by his King, after the war started, to protect Atlantis. His leadership position had fallen to Dick and Dick took it on board, going above and beyond his limits to keep everyone safe. Though younger than her, he had seemed so strong, in control, like everything was going to be okay. It wasn't though and it came crashing down upon them when they pressed the button begging for support from anyone. They'd been too over their heads but they'd thought there was a safety net and there wasn't. What happens when you call for help and there's no one to help you? You die. Dick sacrificed his life for them, staying behind in enemy lines and drawing them his way in order to clear the way for us. As they'd left, she'd remember screaming his name, hands grasping her shoulders as she reached out for him and tears falling down her face. Her eyes had been so blurry but she still remembered that moment. Dick had reached down to his belt, smiled in her direction and for the last time turned to face his enemy. The flashing of his belt gradually speeding up as he allowed himself to be impaled one by one by the enemy. That was how a hero died, how Nightwing had died, and in that moment, all had seemed lost.
When she'd come back to herself, Artemis was cradling her in their bed. Her hand stroking through Wally's hair and gently rocking her. Wally had felt empty for days after Dick had died and her silence and pain was mimicked by each one of the team. They'd all gotten back to Mount Justice except one and that was their turning point, the point of no return. It was ironic really because it was that moment that they had all realised that they couldn't just go on continuing to act like the War wasn't going to affect them, because it was, and it already had. It had been subtly creeping in, first with the disappearance of Kaldur to Atlantis and then with the different type of missions they were being sent out to do. They hadn't really noticed it though, not until this moment. They'd lost one of their own never to come back again.
They'd tried hard to keep it going, but tensions and stress were rising and arguments started to occur more and more. There was no clear leader and maybe she should have tried to step up to Dick's place but she couldn't handle having that pressure directed her. Secretly though, she couldn't handle taking Dick's place as leader. It'd always been his in her mind, Kaldur had only been a place holder for when Dick was older but now both of them were gone and she still couldn't.
One by one everyone left, returning home to protect those dear to them. It was a disaster and she'd watched as it all fell down around them.
Artemis… Artemis had stayed with her only to be lost. She'd died protecting a small girl who'd been in the wrong place at the wrong time. She'd always been the more heroic one out of the two of them despite her surly attitude. When Artemis had died she been empty except for waves of anger that swept from her like a weeping wound that festered and grew. It engulfed her but it was also the only thing that kept her going. Revenge.
She had lost Artemis and with her everything that kept her in line. Throughout all of her time as a team member of Young Justice she'd been playing with the safety on. There were a lot of things to be explored with speed that she and her uncle never had the inclination nor ambition or need to explore. They were heroes, they were never cruel, they never killed and in the end, they saved the day.
She didn't know what she was now. Maybe she was a coward? A survivor? A warrior? Or a soldier? She'd never know.
Her eyes shut and a tear leaked from her eye and sat there, frozen in her last final moments.
This would be her last goodbye. Her last final moments on this earth.
Faces flashed from memory in her head and she watched. They moved on from her friends and her family, to the one's she'd protected and then finally the unknowns that she'd killed.
In this moment, there was only really one quote that Wally could remember to suit it. Especially with him approaching.
"I say love, it is a flower. And you the soul afraid of dying, who never learns to live"
Thunder sounded from above and the clouds opened, drowning the world below it and her, in its rain. She could have been crying but instead she smiled, a slight smirk at the corner of her lips and waited. A faint click behind her of a gun turned its safety off and she felt the ice-cold press of the metal gently rest against the back of her head. Her hair flat against head dripped with rain and the smears of mud slowly washed away as the rain fell on her face. Wally tilted her head back and paused, the rain her only percussion to his words.
"You never could get the lyrics correct." He said, and he sung them one last time for her. She'd didn't know if this was her friend supporting her in her last moments or if it was the monster that mocked her with his pity and knowledge of their friendship but in the end, she took comfort in his response.
"I say love, it is a flower. And you it's only seed"
Then he pulled the trigger, his blue eyes filled with an unnamed emotion.