Disclaimer: The characters of Naruto are not mine. They're the property of Masashi Kishimoto. I do not, and never will, make any money from this story.
Genre: Humor/Parody
Rating: T
Characters: Kakashi and Sakura
Setting: Ninja-verse
Words: 3,005
'Ugh, what happened to me,' Kakashi wondered as he slowly returned to consciousness. His head was pounding, his vision was blurry, and the last thing that he remembered was being dragged to a bar with Guy Might. Sometime over the course of the night he had been challenged to a drinking contest, and after some hesitation, he had obliged. Now, he was lying in a bed that he desperately hoped was his own.
'Pale green walls… olive green, shuriken blanket… yup, looks I made it home,' he thought with a sigh. No sooner than he relaxed, he felt movement beside him. His first instinct was to remain perfectly still, but once soft skin brushed against his, and a delicate sigh was released, he quickly, but carefully, looked to his left. He was greeted with a lump that was completely covered by his blanket; however, the size, scent and sound of the lump assured him that it was, in fact, a woman.
'Damn, I must have been really drunk to have brought her to my apartment. Now I've got to get her to leave without getting clawed in the process,' he analyzed as he stared at his bed partner. He thought about pretending he had a long mission, and needed her to go so that he could lock up, but if it was Shizune, or dear God, the hokage herself, she would know that he was lying, and would proceed to kick his ass. He then thought of pretending he had a live-in girlfriend that was due home any second, but if it was Kurenai, she would just laugh him out of the bed, and wait around for his "girlfriend." Lastly, he got so desperate that he thought of pretending he was homosexual and had mistakenly taken home a woman, but if it was Anko, she would just suggest that he invite his "lover" as well. So, until he knew who was hogging his bed, and hiding beneath his sheets, he was trapped. The only way out of this mess was to face reality, and take a look.
'Here goes nothing,' he thought as he grabbed the blanket's edge, and slowly unveiled who was beneath. To his surprise, a forehead that stretched on for far too long came into view as a wisp of pink hair fell against a pale cheek. For several seconds he looked on in shock as his brain shutdown, then slowly rebooted. He had been expecting any and everybody, except who actually awaited him. Hell, even Koharu Utatane was higher up on the list. This was unbelievable.
"Oh shit," he muttered as he scrambled to get away, and wound up falling onto the floor. The girl appeared to be disturbed by the noise, but after a few minutes of tense silence, and Kakashi praying to any and all gods who would listen, she remained asleep.
'Thank you, whoever it was that answered. I know I don't honor you the way I should, but if you make all of this go away, I swear I will forever be in your gratitude,' Kakashi mentally conversed with the deities as he bowed his head in utter submission. He was about to begin negotiating what he would sacrifice, but was abruptly interrupted.
"Kakashi, what are you doing?" Sakura asked as she sat up, and yawned tiredly. Instantly, Kakashi's back went rigid as he looked up with wide eyes that seemed to be more fitting on a lost child. The first thing he noticed was the girl's disheveled and worn out appearance that was highlighted by his old, faded ANBU shirt she wore. Her hair was messed and sticking up in random places, and her eyes were framed with the beginnings of bags.
'Well, at least I lived up to my reputation,' he confidently internalized, before hurriedly chasing away the thought. This was not the time to be patting himself on the back for a job well done. He had to somehow salvage his professional relationship, not to mention friendship, with the girl he was about to carefully let down.
"Sakura, about last night…" he began gravely as he ran a tired hand over his face. He wanted to be as delicate, yet as firm as he possibly could be, but that was hard to do when she wouldn't let him finish his entire statement.
"Don't mention it, but next time, listen to me and take it easy, because you're quite a handful once you get out of control. In fact, I'm still amazed at how wild you were last night. I didn't think you had it in you," Sakura said with a faint smile, before lazily stretching out. Kakashi watched the display in horror as he absorbed her previous words. Apparently, he hadn't held anything back with his very young and tender ex-pupil.
"Sakura, I deeply apologize. I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked as he quickly went to her side to give her body a thorough scan. Any marks or bruises would weigh too heavily on his conscience, not to mention he already had to do some serious self-evaluating due to the prospect of being too into it. They say a drunken mind speaks a sober heart, so maybe this was some old, demented fantasy of his that he didn't know existed.
'That damn Jiraiya and his Ichya-Ichya series,' he thought as he poked and prodded the young girl. The final straw came when he began casually examining her neck for passion marks. He viewed it as his job as a concerned male, while she was getting more disgruntled by the second.
"Kakashi, stop treating me like a child, and give me some credit. You may have been a little hard to deal with at times, but nothing I couldn't handle as a trained kunoichi and medic-nin of the hidden leaf," Sakura announced as she batted away the older man's hands. She then sent him warning glare, before getting up and walking to the bathroom to somehow improve her appearance. Meanwhile, Kakashi was sitting in stunned silence as he replayed her words. As much as he tried to ignore it, he knew exactly what types of special training the kunoichi were given.
'I never thought I'd be thinking this, but Sakura is quite flexible, so I'm almost certain that they taught her advanced Kama Sutra. She also mentioned her medic-nin training. I wonder when learning the arts became a part of their curriculum?' he pondered for several minutes, before the source of his confusion reentered the room. Her hair appeared to have been brushed, and her face looked freshly washed, but besides that, very little had changed.
"Well, my clothes are ruined, so do you mind if I hang onto this a little longer?" Sakura asked as she tugged on the t-shirt to ensure he knew what she was referring to. Kakashi looked her up and down, and couldn't stop himself from thinking how cute she looked in his clothes. This unwanted thought caused a slight blush to appear on his face, which Sakura quickly noticed.
"Aww, you're so cute without your mask! I've been trying to take a peak for all of these years, but I never imagined your face being revealed under these circumstances," she said with a giggle. Kakashi hurriedly touched a hand to his face, and felt the slight stubble that decorated his chin and jawline. He was partially surprised that it was bare, because he usually had sex without uncovering his face. However, considering that it was Sakura, he should've guessed that she would have jumped at the chance to see what he had to offer.
"What, you didn't think that I'd let you cover it back up, once you revealed it to me, did you?" Sakura joked, and confirmed what he already knew to be true. She then started searching through his drawers, and began pulling out clothes that he could only assume she wanted him to wear.
'Damn, one of those kinds,' Kakashi thought as Sakura placed socks, underwear, pants and a top on his bed. She then looked approvingly at the ensemble, before nodding, and then returning her attention to him.
"Hurry up, and get dressed, so that we can get Shizune to run some tests on you. I'm confident in my own abilities, and you look to be healthy, but you can never be too careful in these cases," Sakura said as she started heading for the door. Within an instant, Kakashi grabbed a hold of her arm, and glared at the stunned face she had turned towards him at first contact.
"I know that my actions may have reduced your opinion of me, but I can guarantee you that I'm not diseased," he said in utter seriousness. Sakura looked to be briefly shocked, before she burst out laughing. She had known he would be sensitive about last night, but this just took the cake.
"Kakashi, I'm not trying to imply that you're diseased. I'm just following basic protocol, because if I'm wrong, I would never forgive myself," Sakura reasoned as her eyes danced with humor. Kakashi was still a little insulted, but he understood where she was coming from. A ninja's body was its primary weapon, so you always had to make sure that it was in perfect working condition.
"I understand," he said as he went over to his clothes, and Sakura started leaving out of the room to give him more privacy. However, the next words uttered made everything come to a complete standstill.
"You should probably get tested to see if you're pregnant; although, I'm unsure if they could tell this soon," Kakashi spoke nonchalantly as he pulled his fresh shirt over his head. There was no point in beating around the bush anymore, so he didn't bother softening his words in the slightest. However, even if he had, it would not have stopped Sakura from stiffening from head to toe as she paused on the other side of the doorframe. She had heard of people being on opposite pages, but this was equivalent to reading two completely different books.
"Kakashi, what do you think happened last night?" Sakura asked softly as the color drained from her face with each memory of their previous conversation. Naruto and Sasuke were the powerhouses of team seven, but she was the brain, so she could easily guess what the man was about to say.
"We had sex, right?" Kakashi asked casually as he fastened his pants, and carefully put on his shoes. He then put on his jounin vest, before turning around, and meeting Sakura's gaze. To his surprise, she was cherry red, and practically seething.
"You… you… you fucking pervert," Sakura stuttered, before yelling as she threw her hands into the air, clearly livid. She had known that that answer was coming, but having it affirmed disgusted, enraged and embarrassed her more than she could have imagined. The complete acceptance and dispassion on Kakashi's part didn't make it any better.
"I cannot believe that you would think, for even a second, that we did something like that," Sakura ranted on, and Kakashi looked at her oddly. He was racking his brain for an alternative, but coitus was the only thing that he could come up with, and he let Sakura know that.
"I don't understand. Are you saying that we didn't have sex?" he calmly inquired as he watched her furiously pace his bedroom floor. He was open to a different answer, but after spending several minutes convincing himself that it happened, he was a little skeptical. The conversation that they had been having all morning sure sounded like a "morning after" discussion to him.
"Kakashi, you are impossible," Sakura declared heatedly as though she had read his mind. She then stopped her repetitious walking in favor of staring at the man for a few silent moments. She had to calm herself down, before she even attempted to recall the events from the previous night.
"Okay sensei, let me make this perfectly clear to you: No, we did not have sex, or anything even close to having sex! I simply stopped you from making a complete and total ass of yourself, after you disobeyed my orders, and left the hospital a week early," Sakura informed, and Kakashi listened intently, though a little confusedly as well. He was wondering how leaving the hospital with shredded shoulder muscles explained waking up next to his former student, but apparently, she was about to give him a thorough explanation of how that occurred.
"I told you to stay not only for your injuries, but because of the medication I prescribed you as well. But, no, you disregarded my instructions, and then completely ignored the cautions that were listed on the bottle. So, by the time I was informed that you were out drinking at a bar, you were already dancing on tabletops and singing loudly in your underwear. I was tempted to let you keep going as punishment, but then you tried to take off what little clothes you had left, and I did not want to see that. So, after wrestling you off of your "stage," and then fighting with you all the way back to your apartment, I finally convinced you to stay inside," Sakura enlightened as she glared at her ex-teacher. However, there was no love lost, because Kakashi was glaring right back. He just couldn't believe the girl would come up with such an outlandish and elaborate lie to deny their accidental affair.
"Sakura, if you're going to lie to me, don't insult my intelligence with such a ridiculous story. You didn't even bother to explain why you woke up in my bed, and are still wearing my clothes," he stated sternly as he folded his arms over his chest. Not even a second later, a burnt-orange pill bottle flew across the room and struck the side of his head. Kakashi slowly looked at the little container that was wavering from side to side next to his feet, before turning to stare at his student once more. Judging by the color of her skin, and the way her eyes flickered with rage, he was sure she would have sprouted a few tails, if she were housing one of the nine demons.
"How dare you call me a liar when you're the biggest liar I know, you hypocrite? The only reason I spent the night here was because that was one your terms for staying indoors. You claimed that the walls were trying to devour your soul every time you closed your eyes, so you needed me to stay and guard you. Then you claimed to be dying of thirst every ten minutes, but were afraid that the sink was going to drink you, if you went into the kitchen, so I was forced to be your personal slave as well. On top of all of that, you thought it was funny to say you had something to tell me, only to wait until I got close enough, so you could throw up on me. If you don't believe me, go check my outfit that's still soaking in your bathroom sink," Sakura growled out, and Kakashi looked at her with amused eyes, before heading towards his lavatory with calm and even strides. He knew what game she was playing, because he had spent most of his teens and early twenties playing it as well. First, you distract the target with any and every excuse you could think of, then you run like hell once her back is turned. He had done it too many times to count, but never dreamt of the day one of his lays would do it to him.
"Sakura, I don't see an outf…" he began in a singsong voice that abruptly died in his throat. Sitting at the bottom of his sink was the girl's notorious attire, immersed in green, putrid liquid that had chunks of apple and bits of udon noodles floating through it. So, after gaping at the incriminating evidence for many minutes, Kakashi shielded his nose from the rancid stench, and quickly returned to his bedroom. The moment Sakura saw his pale and distressed face return she felt a sense of justice.
"Do you still think I'm lying, sensei?" she asked with smug humor, as Kakashi looked to be assessing whether or not he was in a dream. He had spent the early part of the morning trying to convince the gods to change his situation to anything other than having sex with his ex-student, but now he wanted it back.
"Your clothes are soaking in my sink," he stated mechanically, letting his mouth work on autopilot while his brain took a vacation. Sakura looked at him briefly, then applauded herself for a job well done.
"I had planned on telling you off first thing this morning, but when I woke up, you looked so repentant that I decided to let you off the hook. Then, I realized that you were just feeling sorry for being a pervert, and haven't learned a single thing from the fiasco that happened last night. So, listen up, Kakashi. The next time you disobey my orders, and do something crazy because of it, you're on your own unless I fear that it's fatal," she informed the catatonic man, before walking out with as much dignity as a partially dressed woman could have. Kakashi followed her movements with unseeing eyes, before turning them to the little culprit that mocked him even from its place on the floor. Within seconds, he had his hands around it as he quickly read its label for the very first time.
Warning: Do not consume alcoholic beverages with this product due to the likelihood of increased side effects. Side effects may include dehydration, hallucination, insomnia, memory loss, hyperactivity and strange or abnormal behavior. If you experience any of these symptoms, drink eight to ten glasses of water, and then promptly notify the nearest medical ninja.
~Fin~