Thor used to be a fool.
Indeed, Thor used to be a self-absorbed, violent, thoughtless moron who had many times put his companions and himself in danger, and his brother had never neglected his duty to remark on the foolishness of his actions. Thor never interpreted it as an insult, mainly because he did not think himself a fool and he supposed that Loki didn't truly think so lowly of him either.
It took Thor many years to realise just how much of a fool he was.
Loki gets strangled by the Mad Titan. It is an agonising and terrifying moment for both of them. Thor feels a burning need to defend his younger brother, something he had thought himself unable of feeling after so many years of betrayal and abuse. It is still there. When Loki is lifted off the ground, resisting feebly, not in use of his best weapon, his tongue, forced to spit his words out to Thanos, Thor wants to protect him, as he did when he was a child afraid of Frost Giants. There is a low, cracking sound, and Loki's neck seems to deform. There is panic. Thor loses it for a second, Thanos throws his brother's lifeless body right in front of him and the body looks so-
Real. Loki's corpse is right there in front of him and Thanos says 'no resurrections this time', as if a resurrection was ever even needed. No, no need for resurrections. Thor has convinced himself he will no longer be a fool. It felt real to see Loki throw himself into the darkness of the void, it felt even more real to hold his spasming body in Svartheim and it is only natural to feel real to touch Loki's bruised corpse. Thor panics for a few moments, but afterwards, he laughs at himself. The only thing that has died there is Asgard.
Thanos wins. The Infinity Stones kill half of the population of the Universe and leave Thor in the middle of a forest in a foreign realm, feeling more lost than ever.
The sun shines so brightly Thor cannot keep his eye open. Wakanda is a beautiful land of prosperity, even after the tragedy that has ensued, and it reminds Thor very strongly of the fields of Asgard where he used to play as a kid. Most of the world's defenders have now gathered in Wakanda. Earth rages against them. They have failed them. Whenever Thor is not busy apologising and screaming of guilt for his mistake, he spends his evenings walking on these lush fields.
Something moves through the bushes. Thor turns around and sees the slick figure of a snake coming out of there. It is a greenish snake with bright skin. It moves graciously toward another tree. Thor follows it with his gaze, half expecting it to become human-sized and run at him with a knife. He would laugh so hard at that. He would laugh for years, he would die with a smile on his face. Loki liked to go for his ribs. He can almost feel a sting where he had been stabbed last time. He almost longs for the sensation.
Nothing happens. The snake disappears into the forest. He is not at all disappointed. Rather, he would 've been disappointed had his brother made such a humble and undeserving of his reputation comeback.
The Avengers wither away slowly. Captain and Black Widow take turns in engaging with politics again, eager to deal with the chaos that has ensued on their planet. The Hulk, the Rabbit and Barton barely even leave the Wakandian palace. The only one Thor almost never sees is Stark. It is until he receives an invitation to his wedding.
Midgardian weddings seem colourless and dull. The Avengers stand quietly in a room while Stark and the ginger-haired maiden, Pepper, sign a paper. They stand up and exchange a brief kiss and there is a mediocre row of clapping. Back in Asgard, the entire Realm would echo with songs and laughter, the dance and drinking would last until the last guest had exhausted himself. Loki didn't use to attend weddings. He did complain about the terrible noisy savages ruining his evening though.
There is none of that in Midgard. Everyone goes to congratulate the couple. Stark looks unexplainably older. He has lost a great amount of weight, leaving his face colourless and strained, his eyes fogged and blank. Midgardians do age fast, but Thor had never thought they could change so dramatically in such a short period of time.
"Lady Stark, I see you have been blessed already!" Thor exclaims at the sight of the maiden's large belly.
"Yeah, we have," Stark replies absently and points towards Pepper's belly. "Thor, meet Peter."
"A son, then! I wish that he may become a fierce and daring warrior!"
Stark's face deforms at that. He laughs tastelessly. "Yeah, okay." he replies and places his hand on Thor's shoulder momentarily, before Captain moves close to him and says something and Tony replies "Alright, Cap. Sure." with a strange, unfamiliar tone of resignation which sounds wrong in the sharp voice of Anthony Stark.
"I think we gotta go," he says to his wife after barely an hour, leading her outside and into their jet. They all stand there and greet them goodbye. Stark doesn't even turn to greet them. The jet flies away and no one knows where to. The Avengers never reunite. Thor doesn't learn if Peter, son of Stark, did become a fierce and daring warrior. He never sees Stark alive again.
Ages and ages go by. Midgard has grown quiet once more. Thor is so used to the Midgardian life that, had his face not been on the 'news' for almost half a century, no one would be able to tell he was not a resident. One particular day, as he walks down a New York street, he spots a familiar face on a bus. Wrinkled skin gathered around warm brown eyes which stare at him with amazement. The bus stops abruptly and the woman walks out. She is hunched, a thin frame with loose skin holding onto a stick to support herself, small, reduced, not her, but something like her.
"Jane," he whispers. Warmth spreads through him despite his discomfort at the sight of her frail appearance.
"Thor?" she murmurs. That voice is nothing like her old voice. It sounds like someone polishing a rusted sword. "My God, Thor, It's been….54 years. You have not changed at all."
It is true. Thor's face has the vitality of youth, his hair hasn't greyed in the slightest and he looks almost the same as the day they met. If this feels strange to Jane, she does not remark on it. "Would you offer this old lady your company? I live right around the corner."
Thor takes the coffee she offers him and sits next to her on the sofa. She brings her cup to her lips with a trembling hand. She seems to have difficulty controlling her limbs. "My son and husband are in town. They went to Yale to have my son admitted. He wants to be an engineer, you know. I think he got that from Erik. What about your family, Thor?"
"I have not taken a wife, and I do not have any sons either. My father died. His protection upon Asgard was lost and that caused Ragnarok. So, all of Asgard is gone, except for a short group of refugees scattered across the Realms. Loki was attacked by Thanos shortly afterwards-"
"Lo-Loki?!" Jane interrupts him and almost spits out her tea.
"Oh, yes, that is quite funny," he explains with a wide smile. "It appears that the whole situation with the Kurse was but a trick. Loki faked his own death to take the place of my father as King and ruled in Asgard for a few years. I discovered him though, and he chose to pledge his loyalty to me. We had just escaped Ragnarok when we came across Thanos' ship. Loki had secretly taken the Tesseract with him. Thanos strangled him and snapped his neck after he gave it to him in exchange for my life-"
"Oh my God, Thor." Jane's veined hand clasps her mouth.
"I know. Old habits die hard, as you Midgardians say. I was not surprised to see the Stone. I told him he is a terrible brother, and he...Oh, you should've seen it. It was quite a spectacle. Loki even made a speech, he attacked Thanos with a dagger, he mocked him to his dying breath."
"Thor, I am so sorry," she says and there's horror in her voice.
He hurries to take hold of her hands. They are shaking and shagged, it feels unlikely that Thor used to long for the touch of these hands. "Oh, no, Jane. You should not concern yourself. Here, come closer." he looks around carefully and bends to her ear. "I know this to be a fraud. Loki would never so desperately try to confront Thanos, not for my sake. He is clearly alive and hiding. I don't want to openly discuss it, he wants to see me mourn, to honour his memory. Perhaps this time I can play the role of the trickster."
Jane doesn't seem to be following him. She sits back on the cushion. Jane's eyes, the only thing that reminds him of the woman she used to be, stare at the wall and Thor suddenly feels the weight of melancholy holding him down and he regrets meeting her again. Jane's voice quivers, yet it has no emotion. "That evening, Darcy went to the kitchen to make us coffee. I heard a crash and I ran inside and found a broken pot and boiled water all over the floor. I started cursing her for making a mess and I searched for her in the other rooms and then I searched to the balcony and I saw people turning into ashes. Just like that. I went through the entire block calling out for her. I called the police and Erik and her mother. I returned home a few hours later, after searching everywhere possible, but I didn't go into the kitchen because I knew what had happened and I'd get a terrible coughing crisis because I-" she pressed her eyes shut. "I am allergic to dust."
Midgardian funerals, much like Midgardian weddings, have a quiet and resigning aura in them. Captain America's funeral is visited by thousands, while Black Widow's goes unnoticed. Stark has been dead for years, Bruce casually mentions one day over breakfast that Tony drank himself to death. After Captain's death, it is announced that all alien residents of Earth are to leave. Midgard has officially closed its borders. They do not say 'you are not welcome here' or 'this is all your fault', but Thor feels it to his bones. He visits the graveyard. Thor visits each of their graves, along with Hawkeye's, Visions, Wanda's, Pietro's, he runs his hands over Jane's grave. He finds himself staring at the stones with letters on them, at the holes dug into the dirt, and he laughs at these stupid Midgardian traditions. There is no fire, no release. There are bodies trapped under these grounds. The dead stay with them.
Saying goodbye to Bruce is one of the most challenging tasks Thor has ever taken upon himself. There are tears Thor will never talk about, in a hard embrace that would have been no less strong had Bruce been on Hulk mode. His friend looks away and runs his hands through his hair, straightens his glasses and clears his throat.
"I don't think I ever thanked you for taking me away from Sakar. I sincerely don't know what would've happened if you had not come, I probably would've lost myself for good." he sighs and there is a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Do you remember the Battle of New York? How uncomplicated things seemed? A hoard of aliens, Barton with a temper, lead by Loki on a particularly bad mood."
Thor laughs at that, despite his insides turning like snakes. He has not heard his brother's name spoken by anyone in years. So, he is not forgotten. Thor is not the only one who remembers.
"I often think about what happened with Loki." Bruce continues. "I mean, after getting to know him better, it just occurred to me that he was too damn smart to put himself in such a position. I sincerely cannot think of a single reason why he would go with Thanos to attack Earth. I feel as if I am missing something."
These words keep Thor busy for the next few centuries. When he had returned Loki to Asgard after the Battle of New York, parading him chained through the streets to the palace out of maliciousness and anger, he had many times noticed his brother stumbling, dragging himself, shuddering, yet he does not once bother to ask 'dear brother, what is wrong?' and Loki does not once bother to try to tell him that something is wrong. What actually kills Thor is that, even if his brother had bothered to tell him the truth, he wouldn't have believed him.
Thor cannot find a home. He wanders aimlessly into empty space, from planet to planet, occasionally meeting someone familiar, and then continuing alone. The void is unbearably still and quiet. It has an aura of decay. Thor imagines what it would feel like to be...there. On a free fall.
It is then that it truly strikes him first. Loki must have found the Chitauri entirely by accident. He fell to his death. He could not have known he would live to travel through the void or that he would encounter Thanos. Thor stares at the void and can almost imagine the pressure, the helplessness and the suffocation. Loki went through that. Loki is tough, must tougher than he looked. No one would've told that when he was young, a thin figure, graceful as a woman and not at all equated with hand to hand combat. Loki was blindingly fast and agile and he could easily deduce his opponents' movements, yet he had no skill whatsoever with, say, an axe. In sparrings, when given an axe he would shake his head and ask for something else. He would not take a sword either, or a hammer.
"Perhaps the Princess would prefer a butter knife? Behold, the Defender of our Realm!" the trainer remarks mockingly, giving Loki his dagger with a bow. It causes a row of thunderous laughter by the warriors around them, including Thor. Loki turns at him in confusion. Thor is quick to suppress his laughter, yet the harm is done. Loki seems genuinely disgusted. His face flushes and he tightens his pale hands into fists, turning his back on them and walking away.
"As you wish, my Prince!" the teacher calls behind him. "Just know you will not be able to do that in battle."
Why was that funny? Was it funny that Loki did not have the build to wield an axe or a hammer? Or that he preferred and was excellent at another style of fighting that most Asgardians couldn't achieve? It seems entirely humourless to Thor now. He sees Loki looking around at people laughing at him and then searching for Thor and finding him doing the same. How did Thor allow that? How did he allow those insentient oafs to laugh at his own brother, at the person he used to love more than himself, and, furthermore, how could he allow himself to agree to them?
Thor thinks of friends he never got to say goodbye to. He thinks of Fandral's corpse rotting in Asgard, of Sif disappearing silently. At least he got to say goodbye to Loki. He got to tell him that he is a terrible brother. Stupid of him, truly. He is going to apologise for it when he sees Loki again, but it is not exactly that moment which haunts him the most. It is that of the fall. Loki is so young at his fall, his face is so pained, his eyes are filled with tears, and all it takes is Thor saying 'It is alright, brother. Everything is fine', but all Loki gets is a 'No.'. Loki's face changes, he seems to have made a sudden realisation. Perhaps that he chose Odin over his real father and this is his price. Perhaps he is curious to see if Thor and Odin will throw a feast once he is gone. He lets go with ease.
Thor can recall all the tails that Father used to tell during the feasts. Tales of how he slaughtered the Jotuns and brought Laufey to his knees and his impure race close to extinction. Thor jumping up and down. "When I am King, I will hunt the monsters down and slay them all." And many years later, Thor visiting Jotunheim with Loki. Loki's haunted eyes when they return. Thor screaming "The Jotuns must learn to fear me, just as they once feared you. " Loki flinching ever so slightly. In fear.
Thor clears his throat. "Loki, I never found the courage in me to say it, but I-" his voice rises, his breath comes in fast. "I do not mind that you are Jotun. A grim heritage and blood red eyes, those things hold no horror for me. I don't care that you are Jotun! I wouldn't care if you were any other race!" he is practically screaming at the moment. "You will always be my brother!"
He imagines Loki hearing that and sighing in relief. That must have taken a huge burden off him, Thor, though, cannot find peace for himself. He is haunted by images of the past. Memories of him snapping at Loki to know his place, of Father almost forgetting to introduce Loki as his son during the feasts, of Fandral throwing venomous remarks on Loki and Thor laughing at that, of Loki yelling "All I ever wanted was to be your equal!" and Thor thinking "What is he up to again?". Thor foolishly enough thinking it is all part of a great trick.
He wants for this trick to end. It is the only thing he wants. He does not mind the centuries of sorrow that he has gone through, right now, at this very moment, he wants Loki to appear and spit at him. To call him a fool and slash him with his dagger. Thor would fall to his knees and kiss Loki's feet, he would build Asgard from the ashes for Loki to rule, he would find Thanos, if he even is alive, and bring him chained to Loki, he would kill Father, kill the Asgardians and kill himself to hear Loki's laughter.
But Thor is making empty promises because all of these people are dead.
Loki is dead.
"Please," he falls to his knees and looks up to the blinding sun. "Please, end this. I am sorry. I never should've treated you like you were not enough. Perhaps Father did not deem you worthy, perhaps all of Asgard thought you a traitor, but to me, you are the brighter man who has ever lived, you are the sun that shines through the Nine Realms. Your heritage does not change my feelings, even your crimes do not change my feelings, I love you for who you are and I need you. Do you hear me? I need you! I want you here, by my side, not beneath me, not under my command! As brothers, not as princes, or Asgardians, or even sons of Odin. I need to speak to you, brother, I need...I-I need to tell you. I have learned my lesson and I no longer am the fool you remember. We have all the time in the world, all you have to do is end this trick. I am here, Loki. Where are you?"
He is answered by silence. Space has grown deadly quiet. Half of the Universe is gone.
Half of Thor is gone.