Everybody's got the Wand
To the tune of "Everybody's got the Right" from Assassins.
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN is sitting next to a restaurant in Knockturne alley. He has a bunch of wands sitting next to him and is watching the passers by. Among them is LUCIUS MALFOY, who is dragging his son and looks very annoyed. SALAZAR stands up and beckons to him.
SALAZAR
Hey, pal
Feeling pissed?
That kid won't desist?
Hey, pal,
I insist...
That you come kill a muggle-born!
MALFOY turns around, intrigued by these last words. SALAZAR continues.
SALAZAR
Think Fudge
is a pill?
Mudbloods passing bills?
Their blood you should
spill!
You wanna kill a muggle-born?
Come here and kill a muggle-born!
They say
Pure
blood's in the past, sir.
AK
Can destroy those
stupid bastards!
MALFOY (spoken)
Whadda
ya mean?
SALAZAR (spoken, pulls out a wand)
Use this. 17
inches, unicorn hair, good for curses.
MALFOY
(spoken)
Alright, I'll buy it. (pays SALAZAR for the
wand)
CROUCH JR. enters. SALAZAR calls him over
too.
SALAZAR
Hey, kid,
What's the prob?
Daddy
Being
a snob?
Make him
Lose his
job!
If you can kill a muggle-born...
You'll clean up our
race
And cause great disgrace.
Dad'll be replaced
You'll
cause great disgrace!
Everybody's got the wand
To cause
havoc
As you see, it's rather easy to tell
That if you just
use your head
You can zap those muggles dead.
Everybody's got
the wand to wreak hell!
PETTIGREW enters, looking sheepishly around.
SALAZAR
Hey,
buddy
Feeling overshadowed
Think you've got it bad? No-
Body thinks you're
cool?
Hey, buddy
Feel like you're a fool?
Come here and
kill a muggleborn!
PETTIGREW (spoken)
Yes, sir!
UMBRIDGE
enters, looking highly pissed.
UMBRIDGE
(spoken)
Friggin' Potter!
SALAZAR
What's the
problem?
Is your temper
blazing?
Kids driving you crazy?
This'll repay all their
scorn.
(gives her a wand)
Here, make them wish they weren't
born!
Everybody's got the wand
To get power!
Even if it comes from the darkest spells!
Make a splash and cause
some strife!
Take control and take a life!
Everybody's got
the wand to wreak hell!
BELLATRIX enters and crosses to SALAZAR.
SALAZAR
M'lady...
Shopping for some
stuff?
The clothing store is that way...
(BELLATRIX reaches for
one of the wands)
No, lady
This can get too rough.
(She
gives him money)
Okay, you want some pain, go ahead!
NARCISSA MALFOY now steps up and SALAZAR looks highly unimpressed.
SALAZAR
Jeez, honey
I don't sell to
blondes.
Your husband has been by here.
(NARCISSA picks up a
wand and points it at him)
Please, honey
You can hurt someone
with that wand!
(NARCISSA leaves and slowly the music changes as LORD VOLDEMORT enters and approaches SALAZAR)
SALAZAR
Lookout,
everyone!
It's my great grandson!
(Hands VOLDEMORT a wand)
Here, kid.
Kill,
don't stun!
VOLDEMORT
Everybody's got the wand
To
cause havoc!
Become great,
Don't
let your hatred be quelled!
Muggle-borns will not be missed,
Kill
them and all who resist!
Everybody's got the wand to wreak hell!
Be
bloody!
SALAZAR
Cause them horrible pain!
VOLDEMORT
Get
more power!
SALAZAR
Make 'em cower!
BOTH
Be
bloody!
VOLDEMORT
Get the muggle-borns
praying!
SALAZAR
Laugh and glower!
VOLDEMORT
Pluck
'em like a flower!
BOTH
Be
bloody!
VOLDEMORT
Don't leave muggles in
peace!
SALAZAR
At least
Make their children's lives
cease!
ALL
Everybody's got the wand
To cast curses!
Everybody!
Not AK, but something equally fell! (Equally
fell!)
When wizards muggles have spawned
Send them to the great
beyond!
Everybody's got the wand to wreak hell!
Everybody's
got the wand to wreak hell!