No More White Snow
Disclaimer:The characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I blame them for this one shot and for SVU taking over my life.
Author's Note: This is one of the first Law and Order: SVU fics I ever wrote so it's not what I consider one of my better ones. I wrote it initially under the name BadWolfRising but this is the pen name I primarily use now so I transferred it here. Lyrics from Once Upon A December.
Olivia Benson liked snow.
Not the grungy dirty kind of snow which smelled like smoke and gasoline and mud. Not the wet sludge that New York drivers plowed through with gleeful abandon, causing multiple accidents when their tires couldn't get any traction, resulting in the air turning blue with colorful epithets. People really could be such assholes when winter hit.
She preferred the clean snow, the white, fluffy, I-want-to-make-a-snowman kind of snow. The kind that reminded her of innocence, of life before the snow got dirty and turned into the sludge on the road ways.
She missed being able to throw herself in it, legs and arms splayed in joyful abandon, all barriers and walls down. In that soft white snow, Olivia imagined a childhood (and adulthood) full of holiday baking, cinnamon hot cocoa, and the smell of home cooking in the oven. In that white snow, all the darkness was obliterated.
And she could dance freely. Like no one was watching. Like she was young and carefree again.
Someone holds me safe and warm
Horses prance through a silver storm
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory
It had been a long time since she had seen white snow.
Until Noah.
The light of her life, her joy, her sparkle.
Her reason to dance again.
Following her horrific experiences at the hands of William Lewis, Benson never thought that she would able to get past the wet sludge of dark snow that was her life. Even with Cassidy, as good as he was, she could never shake the shadow of fear and darkness that was her constant companion.
She wanted something that he was not ready to give her, that possibly he would never be able to give her. And he wanted something from her that she wasn't ready to give. There was always a piece of her that she would hold back, keeping it close and protected by walls, solid, thick and deep, years in the making.
As wonderful as Cassidy was, even he could not get through those walls. He could make a chip or two here and there, maybe even a slight gap where the structure hadn't been fully formed but they still stood tall and firm.
Unshaking.
Unyielding.
"I love you too, Brian. Always will."
The taste of those words still hung in her mouth, bittersweet and painful…the lingering flavor of a wonderful season, long since gone. Oh, Brian, how I miss you. We were good together, you and I.
"I never picture myself growing old, Liv."
She blinked against the sudden start of tears in her eyes. And rubbed her hands as if that could ward off the chill in her soul. God, how she missed his roguish smile, the way he simply knew how to calm her soul with a simple gesture. He was so kind, so solid, so there.
And she had loved him. But sometimes love…it just wasn't enough.
Where had it gone wrong? Was there something wrong with her? Was every relationship she was ever to be in doomed to failure because of the wreckage that she considered herself?
He left because I wouldn't…couldn't…let him in. I've had to be strong for so long, I've forgotten what it means to be weak. I tell survivors all the time that it is okay to let it out, to let others in. But when it comes to myself, I can't seem to walk the walk. What is wrong with me?
She reached for her phone, feeling the faint vibration through her jeans.
You ok, Liv?
She smiled faintly. Fin was checking up on her again. The big brother she never had. He must have noticed something was off when she said she was leaving early. Leaving the squad early was rare for her, even with Noah waiting for her at home.
Noah…
Her pride.
Her joy.
Her son.
Dammit, he may not have been physically born to her but the bond she had forged with that little baby so many months ago was more powerful than any link made with DNA. All the late nights and early mornings – she didn't mind those. She had been doing them for years.
It humbled her that she was now responsible for this little human being. A little boy who was so completely dependent on her for his well-being, both physical and emotional. At first, she had been so scared….she hadn't taken good care of herself, how could she care for a baby?
But she was ALL Noah had in the world, one of the very few who would bother to speak for him. And Olivia'd be damned before she'd see him back in one of those goddamned hellholes where he had existed before he came to her.
She loved him.
With all her heart, with all the undamaged pieces of her that she had left.
And, remembering the nosy social worker from the hospital, her strides turned firm as she headed towards her home. No one would ever take her son away from her. No one.
"Liv! Liv!"
A voice broke her out of her reverie.
She turned.
Only to have her heart jump into her mouth.
"Brian." She said dryly. "This isa surprise."
"Good to see you too, Liv." Cassidy's bright eyes smiled down into hers. "I heard about the kid. Congratulations. It's what you've always wanted." For a moment, his eyes looked sad (I never pictured myself growing old) and the moment quickly passed.
"I suppose it is." Benson said, noncommittally, unwilling to reveal to Cassidy how much she really had wanted it. He knew anyway…and neither of them were going to talk about it.
He had been relieved, after all…
"I know you, Liv." Brian smiled. "I'm happy for you." And there was that crinkle at his eyes that she loved so much. And she saw that he genuinely was happy for her. And somehow that hurt. She wasn't sure why.
Why couldn't you have been in this place so many months ago?
"Thanks." She said shortly, turning to go home. While she had no animosity towards Brian at all, this was not a conversation she wanted to continue. She just wanted to forget.
"Liv," he laid his hand on her arm. "I have something to tell you."
She froze, the ugly shades of Lewis mocking her from the darkness, and Cassidy removed his hand quickly, realizing his mistake.
"I'm leaving."
Benson closed her eyes, not facing him. Not wanting him to see how much this hurt even though she pretended it didn't. Because it was a lot easier to pretend than to let Brian know how much she still cared.
"IAB not quite suiting you?" She was proud of the fact that her voice did not shake.
"It's not that." Cassidy said quietly. "I'm going undercover, Liv."
She turned to face him, once again in control. "Should you be telling me this?"
He shrugged. "Probably not." And then grinned. "But you and I both know I don't always follow the rules."
Olivia couldn't help the slight smile that tipped up her lips, "Damn if you're not right about that, Brian."
He chuckled a little and then looked at her seriously. "Liv, I'm going deep undercover. I don't know when I'll be back. I wanted to say goodbye."
Goodbye.
Just another one to walk out of her life. So many people leaving.
But she kept a smile in place, praying that he wouldn't see the cracks that were spreading through her walls. Praying he wasn't astute enough to see one other piece of her heart shatter.
But she knew she had failed; she saw it in the way Cassidy scanned her face. He knows her, he's always known her. Too well.
And as he did, Benson could see the grooves of worry around his eyes and around his mouth, the flecks of grey in his hair. And now, standing there, really looking at him, Olivia hadn't truly realized just how deeply her ordeal with Lewis had touched him. But she could see it in every line on his face, in every grey hair on his head, in the shadows behind his eyes.
The shadows that reminded her of the dirty snow on the New York City streets.
Brian quirked a smile at her, "You know I love you, right, Liv?"
"Always," Benson could feel the tears welling up in her throat.
He put his hand to her face and kissed her mouth.
"Be seeing you." He smiled.
And walked away.
Three Months Later
"Liv!" Amaro's voice rang out in the stillness of the squad room. It was late evening. Most of the precinct had left, leaving just Benson, Amaro, Fin and Rollins to man the desks. They were filling out paperwork. As usual.
Sometimes life at the precinct is just full of ordinary.
"Yes?" Benson lifted her head up from the paperwork on the desk.
"Evening, sergeant." A rough voice greeted her from the doorway.
"Well, well, isn't this a pleasant surprise?" Benson commented dryly.
"Great to see you too, Sergeant Benson." Lieutenant Ed Tucker may have grinned slightly but Liv thought it was probably her imagination.
The man never smiled.
"Are you here for business or…business?" Liv smiled, more than just a little sarcastically.
"I have some rather unpleasant news." Tucker said slowly, a heavy darkness crossing his face.
And Liv felt a sudden chill run down her spine, even though the goddamn office was way too warm. Beads of sweat began to form at her hairline.
He put something on her desk.
Cassidy's badge.
"I'm sorry, Olivia."
And she read the awful truth in the lines on his face. And the eyes of this hard-faced cop with the finely tuned poker face were sad. And haunted. As if he'd done this many times before.
In the squad room….
In the stillness, a glass shattered.
Fin, Rollins and Amaro looked at each other.
And, out in the darkness, a dark snow began to fall, swirling gently through the air, hitting the ground and mixing with the shadows of the street.
And the whiteness was covered with black.