Rain. I watched it hit the window and drip down to the chipped paint on window sill. It was the perfect accessory to the day's occasion. I felt numb and wasn't sure why. I should have been in pain, I should have been distraught. I should have some form of devastation, but yet there was nothing. It was confusing and frustrating.
In a few hours I would be surrounded by people who would pity me, they would bombard me with sentiment and condolences, and yet all I could think about was numb I was.
The sound of the rain outside and the stillness in the house was soothing. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what the next few hours and the rest of the day would bring me. I silently said a prayer that the emotion would kick in.
I looked at the little black dress laid out on the bed, and wished I would have packed something more appropriate, but when I got the call, I grabbed only a few things and headed to the airport. I knew there was nothing inappropriate about the one laying on the bed, but right now, nothing was good enough…not even me.
And it begins….
I sat there, with my father laying in a wooden box before me, beautiful flowers draped over it, I watched as everyone took their spots and still there was nothing…until I hear the familiar roar of engines fill the air, and suddenly I felt alive.
I didn't have to turn around to know they were there, I knew they would be, but honestly, I wasn't sure if they would come. I knew my father was important to them, but it had been a while since he had been apart of the club actively for a couple of years. But in my time away had forgotten that once you are family, you are always family.
The service ended, and people dropped their flowers on the coffin, gave me their speeches of condolences and headed off for the free food and drinks at dad's favorite bar. I knew they wouldn't come to me at the funeral; they were private like that, set in their ways. Which I respected, I was brought up the same way. But I knew that was not the last time I would see them.
After hours of trying to be pleasing and then helping to clean up the place, I headed back to my father's house. The house was surrounded with all of the flower arrangements that had been sent in from everywhere, chapters all over the us sent their thoughts and prayers. It was touching to see how much they loved him still, after all these years.
I couldn't bare to turn the lights on, I knew it would only make the feeling of solitude of the house would intensify. I walked carefully into the bedroom to change, I suddenly got knots in my stomach and a chill went down my back as faced the closet.
"How long have you been waiting?" I asked in a very monotone voice. I knew they would come.
"Not long, you okay?" He asked. His voice was warm and for the first time since I got back it made me feel like I was home.
"I honestly don't know." I said as I sat down on the bed, my back still facing him. After being numb and not feeling anything, there was this rush of emotion that hit me and to say it was overwhelming is an understatement.
"You need anything?" He asked sweetly, he always did have a big heart. Even when we were kids, he always looked out for me and Opie before himself.
"You know all day, I have been waiting to feel something, been waiting to realize that it's just me…" And for whatever reason, I broke down as I saw him come in front of me and kneel down and looked at me with those warm blue eyes. "You know when mom died, things were really hard, and being shipped off because dad was inside, but it was like in the back of my mind, or at least what I told myself was that 'I still had my dad..' but Jax, now I don't have my mom, I don't have my dad, I don't have anyone, I am alone." I tried to stop the tears, but they had their own agenda as they fell freely from my eyes down my cheeks and off my face, it wasn't until I felt him embrace me that I truly lost and let go and openly cried. And what made it worse was the smell of him. Oil, exhaust, and leather…just like my dad.
"Hey, look at me." He said as I pulled away and wiped away at my eyes. I was hesitant at first but eventually did. "You are not alone, and you never will be. We are here for you." He said with more conviction then I had seen in a while from anyone.
I had no words, I wanted to believe him, I wanted to fall into the comfort of the club and know that no matter what I would be taken care of, but something stopped me. I had been gone from Charming for so long; I had no way of being confident that with the death of my father I would still be taken care of.
"Come on, get changes and we'll head over, everyone's waiting for you." He said smiling at me, I wanted to smile back but suddenly I was feeling everything all at once and I couldn't muster a smile in that moment if it was drawn across my face. I nodded and got up and tried to unzip my dress by myself, I was about to call out and ask for some help, when I felt his warm hands on the exposed skin on my back and it sliding down the zipper to my dress.
"Thanks," I said unsure of what to think at that moment.
"No problem, I'll be out here." He said smiling and then walking to the door. I was pulling off the dress when he came back in. I should have scurried to find something to cover myself, just being in a bra and underwear, but I didn't have the strength and part of me knew it was just Jacks, there was no reason to.
"Ronnie," He paused and I just started at him, the longer I stayed under his gaze the more I started to feel uncomfortable.
"Jax?" I muttered quietly.
"It's good to have you home…you look…real good." He said almost blushing and that threw me off. I had known Jackson Teller since we were 5 years old, and never in my life had I seen him blush.
"Thanks Jax." I said trying to smile, but failed. I quickly put on a pair of jeans and one of dad's old SAMCRO t-shirts and headed out to the living room where Jax was looking at old photos.
"You ready?" He asked and put the photo album down.
"As ready as I am gonna be." I said taking a deep breath; I was nervous and feeling sick to my stomach about walking back into the club house. I hadn't been there in almost 20 years. I locked up and walked down to Jacks bike. He handed me the helmet and I put it on. I hopped on the bike on the seat behind him.
"Hold on." He said over the motor and over his shoulder to me.
"I'll be fine." I yelled back, and before I could fight with him, he grabbed my arms and wrapped them around his torso.
"Move your hands off me before we get there, and I will tell Clay and Opie about the time you snuck out of the house to meet up with Drew Mcallister and went swimming at the lake for 4 hours." Jax said with a wide grin.
"You do know they call that black mail, don't you?" I asked as I hated how good his memory was, and probably always would be.
"Is there any other kind?" He asked and then kicked up his stand and we headed off for the club, I found my self holding on tighter and tighter to Jax as we got closer and closer, not knowing how to handle what was about to happen.