You are standing in the pouring rain. But you don't feel anything. You don't feel the cold, the weight of your soaked coat or the raindrops which make their way down your cheeks. You only feel a burning sensation behind your eyelids as your teardrops escape one by one, rolling down your cheeks, mixing with rain. You are hurt. You feel like a knife was stabbed through your heart and you are bleeding away slowly like in some kind of movie, only this time there is no knight who comes to your rescue.
You failed. Again. But this time it hurts more because you came to the point when you realize that you will never be a mother. Maybe you always knew, just didn't want to accept the fact. 3 miscarriage and 2 failed attempts. And now you give up. Actually it is the only thing you have ever given up on. And it is so ironic because it is the last thing you want to do but you can't stand to be hurt again, you can't hope against hope anymore. It breaks you heart that there won't be tiny legs running around you, tiny fingers pulling your skirt and large eyes pleading and waiting to be picked up.
He said you would be a crappy mother. Sometimes you wonder if he was right. That life tells you that you are not meant to be a mother. For years the hospital was your life, but now you are desperate for love. You thought that maybe a child could give you what is missing from your life.
A hand lands on your shoulder. You jump at the contact and turn around slowly. You know who it is before you even set your eyes on him. You know his scent and recognise his presence anywhere. You flinch away from him. Your eyes are cold as ice as you look him in the eye. He holds your gaze for a minute before breaking eye contact. He withdraws his hand and looks down.
You were avoiding him in the past weeks. You didn't want to see him, didn't want to hear his apologize however you doubt he would have apologized. He never does, no matter how hurtful his words might be.
You are standing in front of each other. It's still raining heavily. But you don't seem to notice. He opens his mouth as if he wants to say something but then he closes it and shakes his head. Your expression is hard and you wait. You don't exactly know what for but you desperately wants him to say something, anything that might make you forget what he had said.
When he looks into your eyes he sees so much pain and sorrow that he once in his life regrets everything he had said to you. Yes he was detoxicating, it's an excuse but not a good one. He wants to apologize but doesn't know how to do it. He has never been good at this kind of things. And when you avert your eyes and step back he realises that it's too late. He screwed up. And now he can't make it any better.
You step away. You can't be close to him again. It hurts you more ways then one. You look up at him then smiles. A sad smile. And the trace of your tears make it more powerful. A smile which burns hole in his heart, a smile which he will remember till the day he dies. Then you walk away, and he doesn't go after you. He knows he can't make your pain go away and he partly caused it so he lets you go. He looks after you till he can't see your silhouette anymore...
Author notes: I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading. And please review!